She can't give me the love she thinks I deserve.. ?

[Winger6]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking on this site for the past week because I've recently found myself alone and hurting. I've read some stories and learned about the troubles that others have been through, past and present. The stories I have read have helped me cope with my loss to the point of borderline acceptance. I've found out that a lot of people have been through their share of heart ache and that my own isn't by any means the hardest situation out there.

 

Because of that... I would Firstly like to applaud this community for their determination, will, and desire to move forward in the troubles they have endured, hurt they have sustained, and heartbreak they have grown to accept. A support group and community such as this has surely touched the lives of many in their dire time of need and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say thank you for the continued help.

 

I decided to register on this forum b/c not any one story is the same. I would like to get some advice on perhaps what went wrong, why, and where to go from here in my own situation.

 

Me and my ex are 23 and 19 (3.5 years difference). We were together for 1yr and 3 months in a long distance relationship. I know its not the longest and hell it isn't even my longest (that being ~4 yrs) but I have never felt a connection with anyone like the one we shared. From the moment I met her I felt that she was the girl I've been looking for and she truly fit the mold of everything I ever wanted.

 

We ended up breaking up on Jan 10th. She told me earlier that day. "I just need a day to myself, don't worry babe. I'll talk to you tomorrow." So I trusted her for it happen just like that. I went out that night with some friends and I tried texting her a couple times just to see how her day/night was going. She never replied. I knew she was going to hang out with her friends back home (away from college) but I was ok with that aside from one thing. There was one of her friends that I didnt trust b/c of who and what he has done in his past, but he was her friend and they were that way for 5 years so I couldn't keep her from him and had to just try and bite the bullet. According to her they never had any intimate relations despite numerous opportunities so I trusted her but never trusted him.

 

So while I was out me and my friends went to the bar and were drinking. Lets be frank, I was drunk. By 2am I finally get a text from her saying, "I don't know what I want anymore." I immediately freak b/c I feel this guy was influencing her in some way against me. So i make the rash decision to drive to see her right then, 100 miles away. To make matters worse, I took my two friends with me subjecting them to injury, or death from my dumb decision. (I wasnt detaining them against their will, they were both up for the drive being drunk themselves but thats besides the point) I never drink and drive but I felt I had no choice b/c she was my girl and I couldn't stand being away from her if **** was going down so I felt I had to protect what I felt we both had together. So I pinned the blame on that guy I dont trust and told her I was coming to kick some a**. I've never been in a fight in my life and this was basically a hollow threat to let her know i was serious.

 

By the time I got halfway there, my thinking had settled down. She had called one of my friends who had then contacted me and talked me into turning around. By this time I was sobering up and started thinking more rationally, so I figured I would just keep going to just see her to let her know I care. By this time it was 4am and she said that if I came his parents were going to call the cops. Obviously.. the involvement of law enforcement was the deal breaker for me, so we turned around 10 miles away from destination. On the way home I knew this wasnt going to be good tomorrow.

 

When I woke up the next day, instantly, I felt like a fool. My ex would hardly talk to me saying we are done. For days I pleaded for forgiveness. I hardly ate/drank/moved for 3 days. She told me she cant go through this anymore so shes fed up. She's done. I finally got her to agree to a meeting when she went back to college that next sunday. I told her I needed her to tell me we were over to my face for it to fully set in. I knew I needed that or I could never let her go. That was a very long week. I went home to my parents house and just laid on the couch. I was recently laid off so that is why I was able to just sit and sulk. After I went home I tried a partial NC. I wasn't talking to her unless she said something to me first. She had work all week back home and I knew I'd get to see her and talk about everything that coming sunday, so I didnt really press anything. If I did press she would just tell me shes "not talking about this now"

 

So when the day came that I was supposed to go talk to her, I noticed she didn't make any effort to say anything to me the day before at all as opposed to the rest of the week where she had remained in at least some contact. I began to question, and finally got out of her that she was with another guy the night before. She was drunk with her friends and this guy that had been talking to her all week at her parents bar had come to pick her up and take her back to his place. She said they didnt have sex but they fooled around and whatever so that made me feel like I was going to die. She was upset about how she made me upset, she told me she didnt want to hurt me. Ends up she canceled our meet that day b/c she apparently had a hang over and was going to go back to school the next morning.

 

I ended up going over to her college day before to chill with my one buddy who was home from the military. He's a big vikings fan so he got a keg and we watched the games and he had some people over. I was drunk and we know emotions run wild when you drink, and she was trying to contact me b/c she says she felt bad for hurting me but doesnt think she made any mistakes. I became angry and started saying a bunch of things I didnt mean.

 

From that point I realized I needed out. I needed away from the normal and familiar. I made plans to come to my buddys place across state for a week and then move to my other buddies place 100 miles from there and then to my other buddies place 4 states away if I still felt I needed to be away from familiarity. Its what i felt I had to do if I was going to learn to forget the hurt.

 

The next day though I spoke with my ex again to see when she was coming to her apartment so we could talk. She told me I blew my chance on talking b/c of how I acted. I instantly readjusted my tone and demeanor telling her I just need to talk to her face to face to tie up loose ends. She finally let me come over.

 

She was frantically unpacking, hardly looking at me and crying all the same time. I was calm and collected talking to her with an open mind. I tried to calm her down and told her to please just sit with me and look in my eyes and talk. She finally started to talk. Some of the key points were that she hasn't felt the same about me fore a while. She told me she wanted to break up with me for the passed few months. She never made any effort to relay to me that she was feeling this way so I can't help be feel strung along. She said things just aren't the same anymore. I went to Asia for work the whole month of October so I would like to blame that, but she says things were going downhill before that. I think she may just be saying that.

 

Now here is what she has told me:

- She told me she wishes she wanted to be with me. But she just cant. What does that even mean?

- She also said that she does loves me and shes never meant it to anyone like she did with me and that it never felt so right to say it, but she can't give me the love I need or deserve based off of and in comparison to the love I give her. That feels like a cop out.

- She also says that she doesn't know what she wants, but she can't be with me right now. She told me she doesn't want to give me any hope for something in the future but she wants to continue to be friends.

- She told me she would let herself down if she gives in and comes back to me so easily, like as if I talk her into another shot.

- She said its killing her to see how hurt I am because of all this and that it killed her to come to the decision she made to break up with me.

- She said she tried for long time to love me like I love her, but she couldnt and we both deserve to be with someone that we cant live without.

- She said I dont even want her anymore b/c of what she has done to me.

 

I told her I want her in my life, and that I have already forgiven her for what has happened. Technically she didnt cheat on me. So that makes it a little easier, but the reminder that she went to someone else for comfort/pleasure, whatever, just still kills me.

 

Quite frankly, this whole mess isnt even about the current discontent of what happened that night I drove drunk to see her. I mean sure, I am sorry about that and its inexcusable, but its come down to how I feel about her, and how she feels about me.

 

Two days ago I laid it all out over skype. I told her that I love her, I want to be with her, she is everything I ever wanted in a girl and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, but if we want two totally different things, it hurts me to talk to her and keep teasing myself. I told her that if this is the route we are going, that I need time to heal and that I can't be talking to her. She doesn't want to NC. But she was left with no choice b/c its not all about her, and I told her that. (I didn't blatantly say, "I am starting NC" and I also never told her I don't want to talk to her anymore..)

 

So right now its been almost 2 days and we haven't spoke. I've instituted NC. I basically just need to know if I did the right thing when it comes to handling the relationship from here on out. I'm not the best at explaining things and I know my descriptions are a little vague at points.

 

Also, just a general question.. Are you supposed to discuss NC and let her know you cant keep talking? or just do it?

 

Sorry about the long read folks, and I hope to help one of you some day like I know you'll help me.

 

Just remember that me and this girl loved each other. We fit together like no one else. It used to be mutual. I just dont know what she is thinking.

 

Please feel free to ask any questions.

[J_89]

So, she loves you but she's not in love with you.

 

The way she handled the breakup was very poor, just texting to say: "I don't know what I want anymore" isn't great.

 

However, she did show some remorse/emotion and she didn't want to hurt you.

 

If you want any chance of getting her back - STOP trying - and move on.

 

Try to go no contact.

 

Hope this helps.

[Winger6]

So, she loves you but she's not in love with you.

 

The way she handled the breakup was very poor, just texting to say: "I don't know what I want anymore" isn't great.

 

However, she did show some remorse/emotion and she didn't want to hurt you.

 

If you want any chance of getting her back - STOP trying - and move on.

 

Try to go no contact.

 

Hope this helps.

 

At the point where she said that she doesnt know what she wants anymore, we were still together. She didnt break it off until the day after saying i made up her mind because of how I reacted. She doesnt understand why I reacted the way I did.

 

I am no contact, and it sucks..