4 1/2 yr relationship ended

[RaiderFan]

My gf, or rather ex gf, jus recently (a week ago) ended the relationship (4 1/2yrs; we both are 22yrs old). These might be some of the reasons why it ended--what do u think?:

 

1) Romance died out; we got too comfortable; no longer exciting--hence " I need some space."

 

2) I had a major depression because of some health issue that i was going through. this probably contributed mostly towards the breakup; however, she stayed by my side through all of this and even paid for the surgery. This condition that I had literally stole 1yr 1/2 of our relationship; I didn't feel confident taking her out anywhere-- I was a prisoner in my own home. I had big time confidence before this happen, and now since the surgery, its slowly coming back. (Depression lasted from last year Jan, 2002 and started to end just recently on May of 2003). My self-esteem is about 75 % now and improving.

 

3) because of the health issue, I didn't feel comfortable working back then. I also stop going to school for a 1yr; my goals were put on hold, and now she may be thinking if I'm going to make something of myself. keep in mind that she has been totally unselfish. She helped out a lot in trying to help me recover; and trying to help me get my confidence and traits back which attracted her to me in the first place.

 

4) She is going through big time family issues. Her parents have been divorced for quite a long time but they were all still living together; however, all this is going to change in mid June. Her mother, brother, and her little sister, are moving to another house about 4 hrs away from where they live now. She's the only one staying with her father. She can't move with them because of her school, work, attachment to her father, and I don't think the mom even asked her to go with her--just the older brother.

 

 

5) She has big time stress with work and school; and to make it worse, she has finals next week.

 

She told me she was tired of the relationship and that she still loves me like a "family member." I told her I have been doing research as to why we broke up and I mentioned some of the reasons. She told me that she had wished I had recover more quickly and that everything I was going through would be over. We have so much history together and attachments which makes it that much harder. 2 yrs ago she became pregnant and we both decided it was best for her to have the abortion. She is a very emotional girl and this topic really hurts her when talked about. We virtually know all of our secrets and our family’s secrets. Supposedly she said she went out for drinks with a male friend from school--even though she doesn't drink. I think this guy (if there is a guy) likes her; but she told him and me that she is not looking for a relationship. She told me she just wants to be single and go out with friends. My ex is scared of casual intimacy, she would only be intimate ( I hope) if she was in a relationship; she also had told me this before. I also wanted to say why there might or not be a guy is because, when we initially broke up she gave me that vague reason as to why it ended. she told me she needed space and needed to find herself etc. well, I didn't buy it and I kept insisting and insisting to tell me if there was this guy. she kept swearing there wasn't. Well after so many times telling her I didn't believe her, she told me okay that she was talking to a friend from school and that they would talk about class and how much in common they had; But its 50/50 chance that I feel there is a guy who is trying to get her on the rebound. I find it hard to believe that she's going out with a guy after we have broken up for a week--but I could be wrong. I would like any feed back as to what any of you think about my situation. Would our history together somehow give us a second chance? How long before I hear from her again? We have a lot of history together. Oh and She is also my niece's Godmother (we have so many attachments). Thank you for your time.

 

--RaiderFan

[devinmusicman]

Hey man,

 

I'm sorry, your story sounds so complex and interwoven. I must say based on what you've written it looks like you're handling the situation quite well. My now ex broke it off with me about 5 days ago for reasons not at all unlike the ones you were describing. I know exactly what you mean about being unsure if she is getting involved in another relationship. My ex swears she simply fell out of love with me and I do believe her. The fact that I still love her and feel this relationship was "the one" really hurts, but the fact that we are seperated by 400 miles for the summer (we are both university students on break) has gotta make me wonder if something else she's not telling me. I'm sorry that there's no way to know for sure what is going on in our ex's heads or, as much as I hate to say it, in our ex's bed.

As for your chances of getting back together based on your long history: yes, it does in my opinion seem like a relationship as long and complex as yours has a better chance of mending itself than one that only lasted 2 or 3 months. From what you described with your medical conditions and your abortion situation, you two have stuck together through some tough times, and I don't think your foolish in believing that getting back together is out of the question. HOWEVER, I also think that it is important to fully let go. It is impossible to let go of someone 100% and at the same time hope for sparks to fly again. Take some time apart, but try at all costs not to lose a friendly relationship based on conversation. Physical seperation is good, my ex and I are currently seperated by a long distance anyway which I believe will really help in the long run healing process, but we still talk via AOL, email, and even phone. In short: yes, I do think a reunion between you too may happen, but don't get your hopes up. You'll be setting yourself for anothe round of soild hearbreak if you don't brace yourself for the worst.

I hope this helped, we're going through the same thing right now. Please take care,

 

Devin

[RaiderFan]

Thanks for your reply Devin. It really does help when someone is there to listen to your problems. Its amazing how we don't even know eachother personaly, but yet we feel comfortable talking about our situation in this forum--I like the internet. Thanks for your advice man. I hope your situation, as well as everyone in here, gets better. Thank You.

 

--RaiderFan

[RaiderNation]

I would like to know what other people on this board thinks about my current situation. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I do agree with Devin in the sense that you do have to let go. But I don't think you should do that with the objective of getting her back. If you let go, that means you let go hope too. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to get back with her, but if you just physically let go and you don't let go emotionally, you may find yourself devastated if you found out she's found someone else that she's in a serious relationship with.

 

Since she's in her early 20's, she's going through a period where she's going through a lot of changes, on top of the fact that she's been through a lot of changes with you. So her saying that she needs space does not seem illogical. Since both of you have been together since your teens, maybe this separation would prove good for both of you to take time away from one another, grow from one another, and when you're more mature and more stable and more definite of what you want in life, your paths will cross again and you'll realize that you were meant to be together. Sometimes people need to separate and test the waters before they realize that.