What have I done?

[twister]

I really need some advice. My boyfried and I have been dating for about 5 years. We have talked about marriage, children, etc. We do not live together and we have recently discussed this option (within the last couple months).

 

About 8 months ago I started to feel differently about things. I thought that I loved him but I wasn't "in" love with him. Does that make sense?

 

Anyways, the other night on the phone he asked me if I wanted to go to Yosemite or Tahoe in a couple weekends because we haven't had that much alone time lately. I told him that I couldn't go because I had to work. And I do have to work but I could ask for it off. He accused me of not wanting to go. He said he sensed my feelings (see above paragraph).

 

Basically, this conversation broke us up. We are best friends and now I regret ever making an excuse for not going. I think it is what we needed to spark things back up again. But he says I can't take back what I said.

 

Have you ever said something you wish you could take back as soon as you say it? I think we need something like that and now its ruined. We have had a couple conversations since Wednesday night. We are both confused and upset.

 

I don't know what to do because I broke my own heart breaking his. I want to be with him again! I made the worst mistake of my life. How do I change this situation around??

[Tony T]

First of all, I think your excitement about wanting to get him back now is because of the challenge and not because he is REALLY Mr. Right. Now, to your questions:

 

1. "Have you ever said something you wish you could take back as soon as you say it?"

 

Never. I say what I feel and am willing to face the consequences. What you told him was NOT spur of the moment. You had given a lot of thought into how you felt about him. If you were passionately in love with this guy, you would have QUIT your job to go with him on that trip. You told him you had to work because you just didn't want to go with him.

 

You're sorry now only because it led to a break up...but, once the dust is settled, you will be quite relieved. You really liked this guy...but there was not the passionate love required of a long term relationship.

 

2. "I think we need something like that and now its ruined. We have had a couple conversations since Wednesday night. We are both confused and upset."

 

If it took a trip to Yosemite National Park or Lake Tahoe for people to become passionately in love, the park would be saturated with homo sapien from around the world each day. You don't need a trip like that to sort out your feelings. Life is conducted in everyday settings...not at Yosimite or Tahoe.

 

3. "I don't know what to do because I broke my own heart breaking his. I want to be with him again!"

 

You think you want to be with him again, but only because of the situation. You feel some guilt, you miss him. Yes, there was fondness and love there but according to your post it did not reach the level necessary for a lifetime relationship...and I still don't think a trip would have taken it to that level.

 

4. "I made the worst mistake of my life. How do I change this situation around??"

 

No, you did the best thing you could have done in your life. If you were meant to be with this guy, it'll happen. But I think our inner guide leads us to do the right thing. Wait a week or two. You will feel a lot differently. You are making a mistake now, confusing your feelings because of what happened with how you really and truly feel about this guy. You love him but you are not in love with him. You even said in your post that he sensed your feelings...and he was correct to pull out to save his own heart.

 

I think this is the best thing that could have happened. Again, I urge you to wait this out. What you are feeling now is dissonance. When all settles out, you will find that you aren't as crazy about this guy as you think you are right now.

[twister]

Thanks for the reply Tony. I have so many emotions going on in my head right now, I don't know which ones are true or which ones to believe. I do believe things happen for a reason and maybe my inner guide is right. But right now it doesn't feel like it.

 

***Is it normal to feel regret like this??

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Is it normal to feel regret like this??"

 

Oh, yes. People second guess their actions and decisions all the time. But, as I said in my earlier post, given some time you'll understand why you are feeling the way you are now...and that it is only ariticial regret.

 

I just don't think you were into that relationship like you needed to be. Otherwise, you would not have reacted the way you did.

[twister]

What is the best way to wait things out? I tried going out with friends last night and I'm going to try again tonight but I kind of bring them down with me because I'm upset. And when you are used to spending almost every minute of everyday with someone besides being at work, its hard to just stop doing that.

 

I know it takes time, but how much time and how do I deal with it?? I haven't stopped crying in 2 days since it happened. I wish I knew I was doing the right thing. Your advice has helped me put things into perspective and think about it from a different angle, but I keep thinking, why did this have to happen? Maybe for the better? I don't know.

[Tony T]

It takes time.

 

You gave yourself away in the above post. This is a guy you're just used to being with...not all that mad about. You can miss almost anything or anybody. That doesn't mean your life was meant to be spent with that particular thing or person. It just means life is a little different...and ultimately you'll get used to things being different.

 

You don't have to go out with a lot of people to drown out your sadness. Why not take this opportunity to spend some time alone...getting to know yourself a bit better? Or is that maybe what you fear the most...being alone??? People who are afraid of being alone will go for almost anything that moves to keep from experiencing solitude. But it's only in solitude that the music of life can be heard the loudest.