chocos Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I have been together with my bf for coming to 3 years now. This is both our first relationship. For the first 2 years of the relationship, we lived and met almost everyday in the hostel. envisioned our future together and beyond. Right now, he is still studying there while i have graduated and returned home. He would be due to come home by the end of the year... we are both of the same nationality but met each other there while pursuing our studies(ie: long distance relationship for 1 year) we had planned to try to travel to see one another at least half a year. I could not do so as my parents are rather strict with me. About 2 months later after i met him over where he was, things have changed. These problems have always been lingering but took a turn for the worse when we are both in our first relationship and worse still long distance relationship. I took my insecurities out on him, and we argued a lot over the phone. I drove him away with nagging and he said he no longer enjoyed calling me and found it hard to confide in me. He was always busy with work and his activities, but i didn't understand why he couldn't even make the time to spend time talking on the phone to me. He could spend the whole afternoon watching tv and when he called me usually at night, would say that he needed to do his work as he didn't do so the whole day. A couple weeks ago, we had an argument and out of anger I said we should break up. He was upset and said he was disappointed. He said he was confused if i was the one for him. he didn't seem to know anything he wanted. I called him to see if we could sort things out and he answered with a very distant voice like I was an aquaintance. This made me extremely depressed. I asked him if he still loved me and if he wanted to work things out and that things would be much better if we lived near each other again. He said he needed to think about it and told me to give him a time out for 2 weeks. I told him that i really wanted to work things out. I tried everything I could think of to please him everytime. Tried to find enjoyment in his activities so that we could have something to share about and tried to find out what made him happy. And for him to want to do things for me was like a chore to him. Even in the beginning of our relationship. He has changed in some ways along the years and i really appreciated it. Now, he tells me that he finds it difficult to confide in me, as i usually become unreasonable due to my insecurities. Now he says that he does not see our future anymore. Please tell me what to do.. i really miss him a lot during this time.. we have not spoken for 5 days. Another 9 days more before the 2 weeks is up. What does he really want? is it his way of saying goodbye? Or is he just trying on a reverse psychology to make me do what he wants me to? Will he call after the 2 weeks as promised? He called me the other day but did not say a single word. i could hear the country's news at the background, so i knew it was him. But i placed the phone down. I was scared to talk to him as the last time he said he wanted a time out and didn't want me to call, icq or to text message him. When i did so, he was irritated, agitated and just slammed down the phone on me or would just brush me off by saying i got work to do *slam phone* or just *go offline* or just *not reply the text messages* But yet he told me that he loved me and cared for me and that if we were not meant for each other, he didn't want to waste my time as i was still young. I do hope that he is still thinking of me.. he still called me "dear" the last time we icqed and still called me "dear" before the 5 days. Does he still love me? is there anything i can do to salvage the relationship. I really care and love alot for this guy and really want things to work out between us. Is it that "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" or would it just be "out of sight is out of mind?" Please advice. I really don't know what to do I have called him today.. and we talk for a while. He asks me to give him more time but he says he wants to work things out. Asks me to give him until the 25th of june.... and he says he is confused... he said he didn't want any communication at all for the next 3 weeks. why? is he delaying things or does he really want to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I know some better advice than mine is coming... But I just wanted to say, please don't blame yourself. And please don't spend the next 3 weeks in agony and suffering. Enjoy YOUR life, and he can take all the time in the world to decide. Plus, in the meantime, you might just find someone that wants to enjoy your companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocos Posted June 5, 2003 Author Share Posted June 5, 2003 I really don't know what to do... is it because of work? is it because of me? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 Only he knows the answers to those questions. Is he willing to talk to you? Is he willing to meet somewhere neutral and talk about what happened to your relationship? Don't blame yourself, if you did the best you could at the time. And it is not good to argue. I don't think arguing solves problems, neither does anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocos Posted June 5, 2003 Author Share Posted June 5, 2003 yes... he is only willing to talk 3 weeks later... He does not want to talk for the moment... but i really miss him... not seeing him is already so miserable... all the more not being able to hear his voice... SHould i call him ? should i disturb him? am i a pest? why doesn't he want to talk for 3 weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 slamming the phone? telling you he doesn't enjoy calling you anymore? can't confide in you? wants a break now? it sounds to me like he's is not into you anymore, but it's hard for him to let go because the relationship was his first one & it was so long. and chances are, that's also why you miss him and still want to work it out. if i were you, i'd tell him that the time off gave you time to think, and that you don't think there's a future for you two. Then, try dating where you live. best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocos Posted June 5, 2003 Author Share Posted June 5, 2003 I guess its just me.. and yes you are right.. i am reluctant to let it go probably because it was my first. Is it because i am useless? or is it because i am too scared to let go? I am not that strong a person to just tell him i want to let go.. its not me. Probably i should grow up a little. I called him again (sighz..i think i am begining to be a pest). He didn't answer. He said he was in the shower. But he called me back and we had a talk. I asked him if he still have feelings for me and he still loves me and cares for me. He says that he is like this because all these while in the relationship, he has not be sparing a thought for his own feelings (?). Anyone care to enlighten me on what this means? He says that i have spared a thought for his feelings and he has spared a thought for my feelings. But he realised he has not spared a thought for his own feelings. He said that he is also suffering the time where we don't talk. But he really wants the time out and says that it would be better if we talked about things face to face. I agreed with that. But i just don't understand. Will this relationship be one just based on his own feelings and thoughts? Will he ever spare a thought for me in the future if we were to continue on? I really don't know Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 it's just hard cuz it was the first one, and you're attached... been there! and yes, it's hard to break up, but that's the only way to move on to something better! as for his sparing thoughts - gimme a break; if he's not sure about the r/s years into it, when is he gonna be sure? right, never. it's also tough for him to let go... which is why i say - spare both of you the hurt, and cut it clean. that's what i did several years ago, after months of talking about 'no future' or 'yes future', etc... believe me, when it gets down to silly things like who spared thought to what, it's time to move oooooon best of luck, -yes PS what's with the "i am useless" question? do you think your only "use" is being this dude's gf?? plz tell me no =) Link to post Share on other sites
Yukon8e2 Posted June 6, 2003 Share Posted June 6, 2003 I shall say this...relationships always have troubles, but if it is in fact true love, then you can work through it. Love is everlasting, you better believe it can survive a few doubts and insecurities near the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocos Posted June 6, 2003 Author Share Posted June 6, 2003 yes... i know what you all have been telling me (i think) I think that it is just me. In a relationship, i clearly know what is wrong and what is what i want. But somehow or rather, i get lost in it. I look at the other unimportant and insignificant details and then *boom* quarrels set in. I guess all i could do is just wait up for the 3 weeks and see how things go when we meet face to face. I am unsure if i am able to take the break up face to face. I am unsure if i am able to continue on even when we place what we want in this relationship in front of each other. Sometimes i think that compromise and communication is the key to a good relationship but sometimes, now and then, these key factors seem to slip off my mind and things like flowers, calls and attention all rush into the picture as well and cloud out my attention. We would be talking out on the 25th, 2 days before my birthday. This year, it would either be a birthday i am happiest or a birthday that i wished i never celebrated. It would also be our 3 year anniversary that day. Link to post Share on other sites
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