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bf of 9 months wants a sudden break?


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my boyfriend and i have been dating for around 9 months now and things between us were great.

before he left for a family trip to montana for christmas i spent two nights over at his house and while he was gone, one of his best guy friends and i devised a plan to surprise him and his brother at the airport.

he was nevertheless happy to see us and things after that were even better for us.

 

i know that i've been a needy and clingy girlfriend, but at the time he was too. we both shared the desire to want to talk all day whether it was through texting, calls or video chats. i was his first love and first person he had sex with... basically his first experience of a real relationship where we were ultimately caught up with our passion.

 

he was the most caring, understanding, mature and motivated person that i've met and i've always felt that my drive couldn't compare. he's always tried to push me in the right direction with school but i never had it in me to make the big change in myself to i guess "meet his expectations". he's never said this to me but i've always felt that i was holding him down. and i guess when he told me he wanted a month break i finally found it in me to pull myself out of the black hole i was in.

 

i'm still confused about our break.

it took us three days of talking about it for the break to be finalized.

the last time i saw him was 2 days ago and we had sex (i started crying and he had tears in his eyes) and we sat there gazing into each other's eyes for 10 minutes straight, no words or actions aside from us holding each other's hands.

when he dropped me off and we were saying our goodbyes i told him that i was always his and he told me he was mine and that he loved me.

 

over the three days of talking about the no contact break before it actually happened i gathered a lot of his thoughts which made the final decision easier for me to cope with.

he told me that it wasn't because he loved me less but that something inside of him changed and he needed time to think and reconnect with his friends (while we were going out he naturally lost the strong bond between him and his friends).

he said he really had nothing to say and no solid reasoning why he felt the need to be alone but that he needed to do it for himself.

he mentioned how he felt like he lost himself while he was giving too much of himself to me but that he didn't regret it. he's a bookworm and he was upset after realizing how he never found time to read anymore as well.

he said that this break wasn't to see other people and that he was just lost and wanted to find out what he needed.

he made it cleat that he didn't want to hurt me (too late) and that i should do whatever is best to make it as painless as possible.

 

in the past we actually did try to take a break (while i was off at my first year of college and he was a senior at high school) and it didn't work out for us because we didn't take it seriously and ended the break after a week of "trying". i think the reason why this break came back around was because we pushed it aside in the past.

 

i know that he's a very logical thinker and that it's easy for him to turn off his emotions and base decisions off of pure practicality.

he's heading off to college this year and i feel like he doesn't want to be tied down. we had plans for me to transfer over to where he was headed, move in and even had talks about marriage (i know at an early age but he was the one who mentioned it first).

 

i feel like he's under too much stress over where he's going to be accepted and how it will affect our relationship and just all the other logistical areas that he's slowly shutting himself off to me in order to THINK properly. he's told me that he doesn't want to give me false hope and that he's leaning towards breaking up but he just doesn't know what is going through his mind.

 

i told him that relationships are ultimately based off of emotion/connection and that would be the determining factor as to whether or not our relationship will make it through the tough times ahead of us.

 

i sent him a long email honestly expressing my feelings and my opinions about this matter and told him to take his time to reply.

 

it's been 2 days since our break and he sent this reply to my email :

 

"Over these past few days of solitude I've had a lot to think about. Here's what I have come up with.

 

You have changed me more than I ever thought possible. We both didn't think that I'd change as much as i did, and thank you for showing me that there's more to life than just shutting my emotions off (although i dont know why you were attracted to me when they were shut off in the beginning).

 

I hope that as each day goes buy, the simple act of existence become less pained for you. Personally, i hate being alone right now, but i know in my heart of hearts that it is the right thing to do. The hardest thing for me has been that i can't give you a solid reason or reasons as to why i am doing what i'm doing. I realize things were only going to get better, but for some reason i just didn't have enough in me to keep pushing on. I think that's what i mean when we opened up at the wrong time. If we had both opened up at the same time, then maybe the momentum we shared would have been enough to carry me through, but enough of IF's and MAYBE's.

 

I am at a loss of words right now, as i have been for a while. It's as if you have stolen them from me. I know how much it sucks to pour your heart out, putting every ounce of your soul into the words coming out of your mouth, only to be returned by what might as well be silence. But, know that i have heard you, that i listen to you, that your words are not lost on me.

 

I think it's safe to say that love has made me do some weird things. (that's an understatement) And i everything that i've went through has been worth it. When i think of you, i get filled with a warmth, and i want to always have it be like that.

 

I know that you weren't using talking to other people about this as a way to get me jealous or anything like that sweetie. No need to clarify.

 

It's interesting that you said that your mom and other people don't know our connection. I think that's a very true statement. Our connection really has been just kept between ourselves, and i think that this has created some benefits as well as problems. Because we kept our love a secret, we were really able to grow together. On the other hand, people could not understand, and so they tried to pull us apart.

 

I'm obsessed with "making memories" as you know, and i hope you also know that our memories are the ones i hold closest to my heart.

 

Im rereading my email for the 3rd time right now, and i've found that i have no ****ing idea what it is that i'm saying. So i will just leave you with this:

 

I love you, and i will only be yours <3"

 

SO after reading this email i instantly jumped to conclusions and thought that he was breaking up with me. i called him and was ready to settle the break up and asked him what he wanted to do. he asked "about what? the break?" and said he was in the same place as he was before and i was totally thrown off because i thought he was breaking up with me. i told him that i only called because i thought that was the deal and he said no he wasn't breaking up with me but that he was leaning towards it. he told he me would call me tomorrow to talk about it (tomorrow is my birthday and he decided it would be best if we didn't celebrate together). he was still calling me sweetie and at the end of the call he told me he loved me.

 

now i'm left with this email that i don't know if i should reply back to or not and the horrible uneasy feeling in my gut.

i made it clear to him that i was understanding of this break and that i would use this time to really re-evaluate and "find myself" again, to make myself stronger as an individual so that if we were to get back together we would be a stronger couple.

 

was it a mistake to call him today?? i don't want to be the one asking him to come back because i don't want to push him away any further.

i've been contemplating whether or not i should reply back and say it would be best for us to break up because i am getting signs that he wants to ultimately break up with me without hurting me too much at the end. i told him before that if he ever felt like he was certain that he wanted to break up he should call me before the one month span. i told him i would do the same.

 

i'm worried that once he'll get back into the swing of things without me that he'll just bury the pain of missing me and move on.

 

i know i can find a balance for myself and that out of this i can overcome being needy or clingy but i just need the chance to prove it to him.

 

what should i do at this point? let it ride out and see how he feels after a week or two of absolute no contact and continue to rediscover myself or put at end to it and let myself get over the pain??

i love him more than anyone i've been with before. he was the one who got me to leave the unhealthy relationship i had with my ex for three years.

i can see a future for us if he and i both make changes but i don't know if he feels the same way.

 

i hate waking up in the morning to the thought of him and heavy heartbeats. i know this break can make or break us but it's tough to think positively when you hear that he's leaning towards breaking up with me.

 

if he can tell me that now after only several days, will it not be long before he tells me he wants to move on for good?

 

please help! any insight is appreciated.

i don't know what to do now or what to do when he calls me tomorrow.

i want him back.

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Well if it is his first real relationship, the 9 month mark is going to be his first gut-check time as well. You know, when the Honeymoon stages wear off and you really start to learn about the other person. Where the relationship actually survives on it's own and the work put in by BOTH people. More than likely, he's just trying to figure things out. The more you push him, the more you'll cause him to back off. You've got to give him some slack here.

 

Yet, this phrase really stood out to me.

 

"Because we kept our love a secret, we were really able to grow together. On the other hand, people could not understand, and so they tried to pull us apart."

 

Roughly translated in my head, this means that there is someone else. Someone he's not sure about, just as he's not sure about you. Again, him being in the guy-check stage, he might be wondering if this is going anywhere and if the grass may be greener.

 

If he has asked for 2 weeks of no contact, you have no choice but to give it to him. If you break that, then all you become is the needy/clingy girlfriend. Knit, do jumping jacks, run around the house naked, anything to get your mind off of him for these next weeks. Let him come to you, but prepare to hear that there may be someone new.

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i guess i was just taken back by how sudden everything was. i would have never been able to put my foot down so i respect him for having the courage to do that.

i just don't want it to be him "letting me down easy", giving me this one month span to pick myself up so that when he does actually break up with me i can handle it "better". i'd almost rather him just tell me earlier if he's sure so i can take this time to mend myself. :/

i've been trying real hard not to contact him... i've caught myself on facebook chat clicking his name and staring at the chat box and closing it repeatedly..

i feel like giving in so bad. i just miss him so much.

i want to be strong so that he will look at the changes and realize that i have it in me to push forward with this relationship.

 

in that quote he was actually referring straight to his guardian figure

(he lost both of his parents at a young age which kind of leads me to believe he might have an issue with accepting love/commitment?)

his guardian firmly believes that girlfriends are a waste of time and that he should be devoting his time into studying. his twin brother also feels that i've "stolen" him and that he should be single and pursuing other girls.

 

it's going to be a LONG month break so thank you for the feedback/advice!!

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