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The End. Again.


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In 1997, I was in a long term relationship with what I thought would be my partner for life. Circumstances interveined and we went our seperate ways.

 

I was in college at the time (I had returned to school later in life) and relatively quickly rebounded with a classmate. She was also on the rebound from a long term relationship. We moved away together after college and started to live happily ever after.

 

After only 7 months in our new location we decided to return home for our holidays. When it was time to end our vacation and head back to our new lives, she hesitated. I had no problem with her staying. She had a terminally sick friend at home and felt obliged to stick around through her friend's hard times. I offered her all the time she needed, but I had to return to my new job.

 

It was less than 2 weeks later when I heard (from 1400 miles away) that she was back with her ex, whom I had never met. I was devastated. We went through numerous heart wrenching phone conversations and basically uncovered that she still loved him. But she kept telling me she loved me too. Eventually, she decided on me and returned. She claimed that she just had to know that it was over between her and her ex. She told me nothing happened and it was a big mistake on her part.

 

Upon her return, she confessed that things did happen between them and she almost stayed. She claimed that she came back to me because I was a man and he was a boy and there was no future back there. But she did love him.

 

That was in 1999. We have never been the same since then.

But we're still together.

 

We have good weeks and bad weeks, generally more bad than good lately. I think in the back of my mind, I do hold a grudge. She claims that I don't treat her like I used to. She has spent long periods of time feeling sorry for her mistake and thinking that I don't love her. I doubted it myself and hesitated for a while. When I did finally tell her I loved her again, she laughed in my face. It's been almost 2 and a half years since then. It's been almost 2 and a half years since I told her I loved her.

 

She's always been a social animal and has recently (in the last year or so) taken up staying out till 5-6AM twice a week. I am completely bored with the bar scene and the whole circle where every social event has to be accompanied by copious amounts of liquor consumption. I generally bow out and go home and let her have her fun.

It's not like she's regularly unfaithful, she's just a party animal and had a weak moment a year ago that I never forgave her for.

 

Now she just turned 30 (I'm coming up on 35) and, the night of her birthday dinner she's having a crisis. She announces that "It's just not working. We have to find a way for one of us to move out". After this latest announcement, I have to go to dinner with a group of friends and play nice like nothing happened.

Of course, last night, neither of us really slept. She tossed and turned. I was back and forth between the couch and the bed.

 

So my question is, what now? This is not the first time she has made such an announcement. I myself suggested a seperation years ago, back when I thought it would be good to step back and "date" since we got into our relationship relatively quickly with both of us on the rebound. It seems that our regular routine has become a fueding relationship in which neither of us are happy with each other for more than a day or 2 at a time. She has suggested a breakup a few times before but we never follow through. I think we still love each other but no longer think there is a reason to go forward with such a continuously painful relationship. I think we are both afraid to go forward with a real seperation because we are afraid to lose each other for good, even though it may be for the best.

 

Aaah, I guess I know the answers, all several dozen of them. I think I just wanted to get it out of my system and see what some objective strangers thought.

 

Thanks.

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sounds like you guys are hanging on to the relationship because it's something familiar, not because it's doing anything for you. If you look at breaking up as leaving with your dignity and her dignity intact, it's much much better than hating each other's guts for staying in it too long ...

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Originally posted by screemer

 

So my question is, what now? This is not the first time she has made such an announcement. I myself suggested a seperation years ago, back when I thought it would be good to step back and "date" since we got into our relationship relatively quickly with both of us on the rebound. It seems that our regular routine has become a fueding relationship in which neither of us are happy with each other for more than a day or 2 at a time. She has suggested a breakup a few times before but we never follow through. I think we still love each other but no longer think there is a reason to go forward with such a continuously painful relationship. I think we are both afraid to go forward with a real seperation because we are afraid to lose each other for good, even though it may be for the best.

 

Aaah, I guess I know the answers, all several dozen of them. I think I just wanted to get it out of my system and see what some objective strangers thought.

 

Thanks.

 

I think you do know the answer. It sounds like you dove into the relationship because you needed to escape from the pain of your previous break-up. And the new relationship followed you through some of the more recent developments in your life, a move, etc. and so it was convenient to maintain. But that can't change the fact that it's not a good thing. You both seem to know it's not good.

 

So why are you clinging it? You've already figured out that maybe it's just hard to let go and face being alone. Might also force you to finally rethink some of the things in your past, perhaps things you ignored or rationalized since you were in a (new) relationship.

 

It sounds like it's dead. The sooner you face up to that, the sooner you can put both of you out of your misery.

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