collinp Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Okay, hi you all. I am completely new to this online forum thing, whatever this is exactly. But I am completely torn over the loss of my girlfriend of 7 months. And I need some advice from all you experts out there. About 2 months ago, I lost the woman of my dreams. When I first met her I was very cautious of her. I had just ended a 2 1/2 year relationship with a girl because I was not happy or fufilled. The new girl I met was totatlly unexpected. I may not have been ready to date again yet, but I was not about to turn away someone like her. I am beginning to get a little older, almost 27, and I am ready for a relationship that is both fullfilling and balanced. She was independent, strong, beautiful, funny, smart, etc.. Everything a guy could possibly ask for. I felt like I had struck gold and began to see her. I could tell that she was a touchy girl though, very private and protective of her feelings not wanting to open or commit too quickly. I fell for her right away and became totatlly consumed with her. But I did well to hide it and give her as much space as she needed so I did not scare her away. Well after several months of seeing her I pressed the issue if we were a thing, or not. And she reluctantly agreed to say that we were. She gave me no reason to believe that we weren't. She called me every night, if not stayed at my place every night. We were together, yet seperate. She woudl not include me in her life very often. She had many friends, had 2 jobs and seemed to always be squeezing in time for me when she could find it. But it began to appear as more of a chore then a anything. I could feel that she was stressed out, but every effort I made to help her to feel more comfortable seemed to backfire on me. I began to feel resentment towards her, being jealous that she had more time to spend with her friends then me. Every major holiday, her birthday, even valentines day, would always be spent without me. She would not let me get too close. I know that she had not had a major boyfriend in many years before me. She loved her independence. She does not sleep around and I doubt she has had 1/3 of the amount of partners I have had. We agreed to take a break because I was not getting what I needed from her. I could not figure out what I was doing, or not doing. I just could not get her to fall in love with me. It seemed like the moment she began to actually feel something for me, she pulled back. Well several times throughout this "break" I tried to talk to her and get us back to gether. But the more pressure I applied, the farther away she would go. I am confused, hurt, depressed. And the worst part about all this, is that I Work with her. So I see her every day. And it is torture. She walks around smiling all day like her life is just dandy while mine was ripped apart because of her. I had the perfect girl. I played all the cards right, I was sensitive, loving, strong. We talk at work sometimes taking breaks together and what not, but I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to let her go. And I should let her go, how do I do that when I work with her. How can I get her to see in me whatever she saw when she first met me? Is it really over, is there no chance. I have met other women, and have dated some since. Even though I should not have. But I was approached by some women and I vulnerable and in need of some sort of pick me up. But so far, no girl compares to her. Not even close. I know I could make her happy if she gave me a chance. What can I do to turn her on to me again? If I did it once, I keep thinking maybe I can do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 [color=olive] I just could not get her to fall in love with me.[/color] sounds like you're living in a world of hurt right now, but you need to look past what you've lost and concentrate on what works for the BOTH of you, not just you alone. You cannot make someone care for you the way you care for them, and i think this girl realizes it. If she hadn't made you a part of her world by spending birthdays or holidays or vacations with you, it's pretty obvious that her feelings for you were not a fraction as deep as yours were for her. maybe she thought she was being kind by letting things develop slowly (in her way of thinking), and not realizing she was leading you on, even if unintentionally. you say you want to turn her on again, that you can make her happy ... maybe she IS happy not being in a relationship with you, because frankly, it sounds what you have to offer is pretty smothering, not nurturing. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 I'm sorry you feel your love was not returned. You'll agree, you can't make it happen, even though you wished it would. Magic happens frequently, not often. You've seen that as you date other people, when you state, they don't do it for you. Keep doing your own thing. Become strong, not needy. It's ok to WANT a relationship, but another thing to NEED a relationship. That's why she looks so damn good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author collinp Posted May 21, 2003 Author Share Posted May 21, 2003 I do not doubt the possibility that I may have been a little smotheing at times. Well at least from her point of view. But I always gave her free roam to do as she pleased, within reason of course. I never told her I loved her or bought her gifts, because I knew that would make her feel uncomfortable. I respected her privacy and her independence. But after a while she began to treat me coldly, with little or no sensitivity. Do things that hurt my feelings. I tried my best to ignore them but after I had had enough, I confronted her. And I had to do this several times asking her to come clean with me and tell me what she wanted from me. And she was vague every time I confronted her. But I thought if I played my cards right, and did not come on too strong, I could build the most successful relationship to date. And in the beginning, she was putting in as much if not more effort then I was putting in. But something about our relationship, or something I did caused her to feel clausterphobic and/or uncomfortable. So she pulled away and never seemed to have time for me. So I ended it, in hopes of opening her eyes about me and maybe trying a little harder. Maybe it is over, with no hopes of reconciliation. But her efforts to be buddy-buddy with me at work, really hurt and confuse me. I am not sure how to respond. I'm pretty pissed off most of the time and do my best to hide it. But some days I just feel like I just want to tell her off. But I have to see her every day. And the tension is already hard enough to deal with as they are. If were at war with each other, that would only makes things much worse. I can't quit, because I need this job, and so does she. I don't know how to act, or behave around her anymore. I am still terribly attracted to her, and I can sometimes still see a little mutual attraction in her eyes. She told me that she just really likes being single, with nobody to answer to. And I may have got too close. But I am not sure how to give up on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybug313 Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Hey. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You sound like a nice guy doing his best, but it just seems that either this lady is afraid to get closer to you for some reason, or she just doesn't feel the same about you as you do about her, and one does feel smothered when they get tons of affection from someone they are not that interested in... The fact that she started treating you coldly and hurting your feelings seems like her way of trying to push you away and send out signals that she just wants her space. At this point I think it would best to let her be, and treat her like the "buddy" she is treating you. Either she truly wants to keep it that way, or over time, if she really cares for you, I am sure she will make an effort again to show that. But for now, I don't think that is happening. You need someone who will love all your expressions of affection and return them just as naturally. Once that click happens, it feels pretty great. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author collinp Posted May 21, 2003 Author Share Posted May 21, 2003 It's funny, usually I am the one giving the advice! I guess this girl really took me for a ride. I will do my best to be her "friend". After all we did start out that way. It won't be easy though. I am not normally a needy person. Usually the opposite. Sometimes when I meet someone I really like, I can get that way. It happens to all of us now and then. I just hope she respects me and what I am going through and does not over-step the new boundries I have had to create. Relationships can be fun. But they are not meant to be the end-all-be all about what life is all about. You can't get yourself into a place of co-dependency. That's not a healthy place to be. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 You're right. It's isn't a healthy place to be, and it doesn't feel good. Actually it hurts pretty much, I'm sure, especially to see her every day. I dated someone at work once. I promised myself after that, never again... Link to post Share on other sites
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