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Can't quite do it


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i've decided to break-up with my live-in girlfriend of two years. i've come close to doing it twice already, but each time i think i'm going to do it, i chicken-out. what can i do to resolve myself to actually follow-through and just do it? thx...

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First, you have to decide if that's REALLY what you want to do. It's actually very hard to imagine yourself without someone in your imagination. You often don't realize how much somebody means to you until they are gone. A lot of people change their mind after a break up and your indecisiveness indicates you have some doubt.

 

Once you have made your decision to break up...that you are sure that's what you want to do...sit your lady down in conversation and tell her very gently that you feel it's time for you to move on. Let her know that you care for her, it's been nice, and you want to give her a chance to find a guy who will be more dedicated than you. That's really all you need to say. Of course, if there's more...say it, but don't be cruel. If your lady loves you a lot, this will be a very difficult time for her.

 

Don't ever stay in a relationship for any reason if you aren't happy with it.

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I don't think this is the ideal way to do it, but if you have thought long and hard about it and you're quite sure it's the right choice, but you just can't bring yourself to say the words to her directly (or in person), you could broach the subject in an email or on the telephone. That's how my ex broke up with me. it was a ldr, we'd just spent a week together and I'd met his mom for the first time, things were supposedly all right but I could tell he was tense. 36 hours after we parted I got an email initiating the break-up. He couldn't bring himself to do it in person.

 

Now if you choose that route you really must subsequently make yourself available, in person, to talk about it. You can reasonably expect her to be more upset and angry because you started the break-up in an email or over the phone. That's just how it goes. But if you're sure breaking up is the right thing, perhaps it's the best way for you to accomplish that.

 

Last thing, based on my getting dumped experience: be consistent and clear in the signals you send her. Showing a lot of inner conflict and doubt isn't fair to her, especially if she has a hard time coming to terms with the break-up. Be nice, be considerate, don't burn any bridges ... but don't confuse her because it'll only make things worse. If you're conflicted then either you're not ready to make the decision at all, or you're just one of those people who has to live with angst. Don't put it on her.

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jessicakicksbut

One thing you should consider is living arrangements after you break up with her since you are still living together. Where will she live, as well as yourself? Do you have a back-up plan and some where else to live for a short while if she kicks you out? Or, do you own your place? It's something you may want to consider, because you don't want to live out in the streets.

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The impression I got from your original post was that you were wanting to break up but couldn't quite get up the nerve. I thought maybe it was because deep down you weren't sure that's what you wanted to do. Even if you are "sure" now, you could regret it later but we'll handle that if it happens.

 

If you want to break up with a lady, BE A MAN...NOT A WIMP. Don't go the email or telephone route. That's about as chicken shxt as you can get. Now, if that's the very best you can do I think your lady will be lucky to be rid of you.

 

Sometimes we have to do things in life that really suck. But part of having respect for each other as human beings is treating each other with the same dignity and humanity that we would want to be treated with ourselves. Personal matters of this type are meant to be handled face to face, in person. It makes emotional expression for both parties so much easier. It's the dignity a relationship deserves to be closed with.

 

If the person lives a great distance from you, by all means hit the keyboard or phone up and have at it. But any self respecting male who would dump someone they've had a relationship with FOR TWO YEARS via phone or email doesn't have a ball on his body. That's right, no cojones...no testicles!

 

And I am very sorry for what midori had to go through as she described. If I ever run into the guy who busted up with her via email, I will kick his butt...if he's even got one.

 

Don't date anymore if you haven't got the courage to dispense your dirty work face to face.

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Ditto, ditto, ditto to Tony's response to telling someone directly as opposed to using email or phone.

 

Indirect means of communicating difficult messages deprive yourself and the other person of the human integrity that the situation deserves. You need to go through the exerience -- and not duck underneath it -- before you can move on.

 

This person has every right to express her grief, shock, anger, relief, whatever to the person dealing the blow. You have every obligation to yourself and to her to fully experience her response -- however unpleasant that may be.

 

Also, you seem unsure as to why you are wanting to break up. By having the big tallk with her, you may find out some answers. She probabaly has a lot more insight to the relationship problems than you are giving her credit for.

 

Practical hints: Start with appropriate body talk (PLEASE don't start by holding her hand or anything that will conflict with the message you are giving.

 

Then give a one sentence lead-in, like "We have to talk about our realtionship, and where it's going."

 

Than talk about yourself (not her), somehting like: "I've been giving a lot of thougth to this, and it's difficult to say,"

 

Then you just gotta bight the bullet and bring it home:

 

"But I can't see living the rest of my life with you."

 

Then STOP. It's her turn to speak. Or not. Good luck.

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sweetnovember

hi i think it is better if you think first...it seems that you are not 100% sure of what you feel...take some time alone to assess yourself...take a vacation alone...meditate...ask yourself if thats what you really wanted...so that someday you will not regret your decision...their are only two questions which you must know to yourself...1. do you still love her? 2. are you still happy?...if one of them is a big NO...then go...dont be unfair to her and to yourself...she deserves someone who will love her more than you do...

 

ciao

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