Arabella Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) So it's over - again. And I think this time it's for real. I don't think either of us has any more fight left in us. We got back together about a month ago, and a couple weeks later I found out about him sending some emails to his ex back in the beginning of our relationship, where he was telling her he loved her and they were obviously not broken up. But he was going through some rough stuff and he couldn't cope with everything, so I gave him time to get his head straight before we talked about it. Yesterday I got tired of waiting. I sent him a bunch of texts (which sucks, but it was a LD and he won't talk on the phone) telling him I was done. When he woke up and saw them, he begged me not to end things. I pressed the issue of the conversation we had pending. I told him I couldn't just let go something like that without discussing it because I felt like he'd played me. After the whole afternoon texting back and forth during which time he told me he loved me no less than four times, and he admitted to being afraid of talking about the subject, he finally cracked. He told me this wasn't what he wanted out of a relationship, that I was amazing, and I'd find someone perfect for me. I agreed. And just like that... it ended. I feel so empty, so sad. I know he isn't with his ex, but it hurts that despite everything he didn't love me enough to talk things out. He chose to just run away instead of overcoming his fear and talking. Arabella Edited November 22, 2009 by Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
NoneoftheAbove Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 I warned you dear see what happened? exactly as i said. You gotta take care of yourself, forget about him that is all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 I know. I was warned by so many people, and deep down I knew they were right. But I wanted to believe he could do better... that he was willing to. I still can't believe he walked away because he was too afraid to talk about what he had done. It's just... amazing. He spent two weeks promising that we would talk about it soon, that he -wanted- to. I don't really understand why he's done this Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
name witheld Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Sorry to hear about all this. At least now you know and can really move on. Might not sound like the sort of thing you want to hear right now, but it will become important as you go through NC and the 'what if' pops into your head. Wishing you speedy healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 Thanks for the responses, you guys. Here's an update on our little drama... I sent him a couple texts a few minutes ago just expressing my disbelief about what happened last night and saying that I hoped he was alright. He's been through a lot lately (to the point he's threatened suicide) and I was genuinely concerned about his state of mind. He texts me back almost right away saying that he was drunk and high on pills last night and doesn't remember anything we talked about. I forwarded a couple of the texts he sent me last night back to him and he acted like they were news to him, then apologized. I asked him if he meant them and he said "I don't think so". What the heck? Honestly, I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or he just had a change of heart and he's using this as an excuse. At this point, I'm not sure either is a good thing. I have half a mind to look up his parent's phone number and give them a call... Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
j_cali_man Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Sounds like you have gotten something that myself and many have not...a second chance AND closure. Not sure how many chances your heart can handle after break-up #2 but good luck to you and do keep us posted. J Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I am just shocked at how many people attempt reunions with their exes. Just shocked. Second chances are almost never a good idea. They almost never work out, cause lots of pain, and sometimes waste years of their lives going back and forth with someone they clearly are all wrong for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 I'm not really sure if I've gotten closure. As of right now, he's acting like that conversation never happened. It felt kind of tense though... so I believe he's lying about having been drunk & high and he was just using it as an excuse. It's not like he wouldn't have seen the million of texts we sent back and forth that afternoon... lol. At this point, since I get a do-over, I don't know if I want to go through with the break up or give him some more time. He knows I don't forgive & forget easily and he'll eventually have to talk if he wants to fix things... Thoughts? Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Reunions can work if you are right for each other, if you haven't grown apart too far, aren't incompatible, I took my ex back twice and we had 9 more happy years. I am just shocked at how many people attempt reunions with their exes. Just shocked. Second chances are almost never a good idea. They almost never work out, cause lots of pain, and sometimes waste years of their lives going back and forth with someone they clearly are all wrong for. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I took my ex back twice and we had 9 more happy years. I would say that's the exact point ADF's making about "waisting years going back and fourth" Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 sorry to hear this happened arabella. i know i went thru it w my ex like that also -the getting back together only to fall apart again. over, and over, and over.rrr hmm my thoughts are if only after a month! and this is going on, how goods it going to get. is he going to magically smarten up over night? doubt it no offense. what you got is more or less what you can prob expect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 The only reason why I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt is that he is mentally ill and I know that he has been through some rough stuff lately. However, I am beginning to think that it's hopeless to wait. He doesn't seem to want to get better and every time we speak, he tells me of his newest (and usually life-threatening) exploit. It's very difficult for me to watch him self-destruct. I love him, but I'm not sure there's any point in waiting anymore...? Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Arabella, A good book might be "Co Dependent No More". the reason I mention it is because 1. I am reading it and 2. It will help you realize that you CAN NOT fix him. His illness can be for many more years or for a lifetime and it is one of the hardest struggles you can be on. Finding happiness in him being better and ultimately loving you is a dead end emotionally. Just do a lot of reading and understand your need to fix and be loved. We ALL want to be loved. But we have to pick ones who are capable of loving us back just the same as we love them. Not this out of balance thing. Hang in there. J Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 The 18 years I was with him don't feel wasted to me, I'm glad we had 18 years together I would say that's the exact point ADF's making about "waisting years going back and fourth" Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 The 18 years I was with him don't feel wasted to me, I'm glad we had 18 years together Many relationships/marriages don't last anywhere near that long, I've only seen about 4 other posts on this site with very long relationships/marriages Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 Here's an update. I guess it's really over after all. Since the last time we spoke where he told me he couldn't remember what we talked about and apologized for saying that he wanted to break things off, he basically went NC on me without notice. Yesterday, after three days without hearing from him, I texted him once more telling him I was worried and that if I didn't hear from him by monday, I'd take it upon myself to figure out if something happened to him. He texted right away, being incredibly hostile for no reason at all. He told me to leave him alone indefinitely and that I should feel free to move on permanently, that he's better off without me, to stop harassing him and that he didn't need to explain anything to me. Uhm, what the heck happened here? To recap... One night he tells me he almost OD'd on pills, he breaks things off, he changes his mind the morning after and denies wanting that, then he goes NC on me and responds like that when I am understandably worried and try to find out if he's alright. Did I do something wrong here? It hurt that he spoke to me like that. I don't think I deserved that Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 i guess you were right when you said mentally ill. you express concern and in return you get? what? punished? you did nothing wrong here! & you are right you do not deserve to be spoken to like that. im sorry girl, sucks!! i think it would be cool if you could be happy knowing that you have a new someone to meet still in your life (and you will!!) that is going to make a much better companion for you. that feels lucky they met you. because this one doesn't deserve ya. happy turkey day Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Thanks for your response, trueblue. I guess it just hurts that after everything we've been thru together, that he would behave like that towards me. I waited for him for two months, and just when I began to let go... he wanted me back. It barely lasted a month before he did this. Frankly, I realized weeks ago that it was never going to work. I just had a really hard time letting go, because he was still telling me he cared about me. I wanted to see where things went... but I was just deluding myself and I knew that. I'm hurting like hell right now... and it's not because it's over between us. It's the thought of never speaking to him again that makes my heart hurt. Sigh... Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
fofiffs Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I know exactly how you feel. It sounds like he is mentally unstable after reading your post. Its kinda weird how he talks to you then all of a sudden just becomes hostile towards you. I say just go NC and find something else better. Your worth more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Thank you fofiffs. He is Bipolar, among other things... it's the reason why we went on a break back in August and eventually I broke it off. He was treating me like this already back then... I thought it was going to be different this time around but I was clearly wrong. It only got worse. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
fofiffs Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I know it hurts now but don't make the same mistake a third time. You don't want to strike out. Like you said, you were starting to do fine the first time you broke up with him. So this second time around should make it somewhat a little easier. Just learn from this and don't let it happen again. Don't let him suck you back in to his unstable behaviors. By the way hows upstate NY? I lived upstate for two years. It was the first time I've ever seen or felt snow in real life..lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 No, there's definitely no third chances for this guy. He had me the first time, he had me the second time... and he wasted our shot at being happy both times. He made his choice and there's no going back. I still would like to be able to keep in touch with him, be casual friends. But he's made his position clear on this matter, too. He wants me out of his life completely. I am not originally from upstate NY either! It was the first time seeing this much snow for me as well when I moved here a few years back It was fun the first couple of winters, but then the novelty wore off fast...lol. Not looking forward to this year's snow. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
fofiffs Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Well that's good then because your one step ahead of moving on. But honestly in my opinion do you think it's worth being "friends" with someone you have feelings for? With me the only time I would ever be friends with an ex if there are no more feelings on my part. It would just bring more pain if there was. But since he has made his decision, just let him be. Just focus on you. It's just not worth all the hurt and pain. Yeah your right about the snow. It does get old really quick. It was good at first but after a while it just gets so annoying. I remember the first time I saw snow, I was all excited and happy but after 2 months I was like I hate snow. lol..I was like an hour north of Syracuse. I also hated the town I was at. There was never anything to do except drive up to Canada on weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabella Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 My feelings for him changed over time. I love him, yes, but it's not like it used to be. Over the past few weeks I started to realize that he just isn't the right person for me. He has put me through so much with no regard whatsoever for my needs and feelings. That took its toll. But I still think he and I had a lot in common and got along great (when things were good). That's why I was hesitant to let go for so long. I didn't want to lose that. I'm about 90 min west from Syracuse, and it's not much better here. Boring as heck. I can't wait to move somewhere warmer, or at least by the coast! Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
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