Broke Up w/Girlfriend...confused and don't know why

[wildboaral]

Well, my g/f and I have been together for 4+ years. We met in college, I was 22, she was 18 at the time. I got my first degree and left her in the college town, the relationship continued and flourished. I worked for about a year and then got accepted to graduate school there and moved back. Everything was perfect, we were now together and no more long distance relationship. After about a year and a half of living together during the school year, she ended up graduating and landed a job in a town about 1.5 hrs from where I continued to go to school.

 

This past January was when the big move took place and I would try my best to come and see her every weekend that I could (dictated by my studies). The first couple of months, she was thrilled to see me. But a few weeks ago, she started acting weird on the phone. Acting as if she did not have much respect for me or something, it just did not feel like her.

 

I got her to come and see me on March 30, it is so hard since she works on weekends and tends to be working a whole lot at her new job (50-60 hrs a week). She came to see me, we spent quality time together and everything was perfect again, or so I thought.

 

Later that weekend I went up to see her and we had a good time. Fri and Sat went well and it was only until Sun night that I casually brought up about how she treated me differently from before and it must have hit a nerve. We talked about it for a couple of hours, and she came up with the fact that she "feels differently" she says that she is not "in love" with me anymore. I just left and could not take it.

 

We tried to go without talking for a while, but I could not, it bothered me too much. She said she needed time to think and I said okay so I let her think. The next week went by and I called her, especially since she told me to. Each night of that week was weird because one night she would flat out say "I love you" and others there would not be anything.

 

I came to see her finally this past Friday since she said she does not need any more time to think about us and I felt that whatever happened needed to be done face to face. I got there to receive the one-handed hug and the most indifferent face I have ever seen on her.

 

We talked about it for hours but she did tell me face to face that she does not feel the same way, that she is not in love with me anymore and of course, that she wants to be friends. I was dumbfounded once again. She never gives me a reason, something I did or anything. And on top of that, there was no warning from before at all. I questioned about working on it and saying that I will try my hardest for a second chance and she did not even consider it, she flat out said no.

 

I was so upset I just left that night but I did say that please call me if ever you need me for anything. I actualy ended up calling her again on Easter and telling her that I have been thinking about it and I understand more about how she feels. Did I make a big mistake? I do LOVE his woman I had plans on marriage as soon as school was over. Is there anything I can do now to get her back or get her to "fall back in love" with me? Oh, as far as I know, there is no other man, I asked her numerous times and honestly believe that she would have told me. What should be my next step if it is at all possible to get her back?

[midori]

Originally posted by wildboaral

I actualy ended up calling her again on Easter and telling her that I have been thinking about it and I understand more about how she feels. Did I make a big mistake? I do LOVE his woman I had plans on marriage as soon as school was over. Is there anything I can do now to get her back or get her to "fall back in love" with me? Oh, as far as I know, there is no other man, I asked her numerous times and honestly believe that she would have told me. What should be my next step if it is at all possible to get her back?

 

Why did you tell her that you understand where she's coming from, when clearly you don't understand? Because you want to keep talking to her?

 

She has been clear, but not explicit. Do you need her to get explicit in order to understand her message? She doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. In fact, she has exited.

 

People do just fall out of love. And it's often not something that they do with relish, it can even happen when they wish it wouldn't. Sometimes they try to stave off the inevitable by compensating for withdrawls by saying things like "I love you" even when it's no longer true. They might wish it were true. They might be trying to recapture the feeling by speaking the words. They're not trying to mislead anyone, they're trying to talk themselves back into being in love because they don't want to break up.

 

But at the same time, they don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

 

And that kind of mixed message sucks for the dumpee, doesn't it? As you say, you didn't see it coming. But even from the one-sided (as it must be) description you gave, it does sound like this had been coming on for a while, and yes, she means it. Which means that you don't stand a chance of winning her back. Not in the immediate future anyway.

 

You can force her to be more explicit, to tell you WHY she felt the need to break up with you. It might seem like a good idea; if she sees that she actually has no reasons for breaking up, then she might realize that it was a big mistake. But what is more likely to happen is that she will be able to come up with reasons why she needed to end things. The more times she has to explain it to you the more firm it will be in her mind. She will become more and more annoyed with you ("why doesn't he get it?" "how many times do I have to say it?").

 

I've been on both sides of this problem. I was wild with grief and anger and bewilderment when the guy I'd been with for a few years broke up with me without any reasons. Even more difficult for me was the fact that he was so torn up about the break-up. I kept pressing him for reasons why, and he eventually cobbled together some bullsh*t reasons that amounted to rather insulting and inaccurate assessments about who I was and what my priorities were. Those reasons made me even more upset. But I'd asked for reasons, and I got them.

 

More recently I ended things with a guy I'd been involved with for about six weeks. When I broke up with him I did have some specific reasons, but he disagreed and couldn't see where I was coming from. I tried to give him as much time as he needed to come to terms with the break-up; I was willing to have multiple conversations. But after the third conversation (and each one ended with him telling me that he understood where I was coming from and respected my feelings and decision) I was getting really annoyed with him. Each time I was more explicit about why we weren't going to work out. And we had to have yet ANOTHER discussion. He said he wanted to understand, but really he was campaigning to get me to change my mind. He only succeeded in convincing me that I'd made the right choice in breaking up with him.

 

So: my advice is to accept the break-up as final. If you have specific questions to ask her, by all means ask. But don't tell her you understand, when you don't. Don't try to keep open the lines of communication in the name of friendship or needing to understand her reasons or anything else, if your real agenda is to win her back.

 

If you are absolutely determined to try to win her back, be bold and obvious. Don't try to convince her by showing her how flawed her reasons are. Don't skulk around waiting for her to change her mind. Convince her by showing her the depth and intensity of your own feelings and your own conviction and determination. I don't know what specific course of action that should be: depends on you and on her. And you still might get shot down, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you pulled out all the stops.

 

But really it sounds like you just need to accept the break-up. Whatever the reasons are, it's over. Sorry ...