brighteyes Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 hello everyone. I'm new here. I need some advice/help. I'm a 23 year old female from new york. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years-the love of my life. Its a long story, so I'll start where I think best. We met 2 years ago. We worked together and I always had a huge crush on him(he has the most beautiful freckles and sparkling hazel eyes!) I never thought anything would come of my crush since he was my manager and inter-workplace relationships were forbidden. But then he was transferred to another store in the chain and I broke down and told him, "I have a huge crush on you, we have to hang out". So we did. and from there we built this amazing relationship. We found out we had alot in common-we both love horror movies. We like alot of the same music-hes in a hardcore band and I sang for a punk band at the time. Its weird because I'd always heard of his band in highschool from friends-i used to know their old drummer, and it felt like our paths could've crossed at anytime before it finally did. As our realtionship progressed I came to find out he had mental issues. I understood very well. When I was in highschool and junior high up until 2 years ago I was constantly mentally ill. I was depressed alot, had trouble with eating disorders and was in and out of the hospital-my last time being when i was 21. I have since gotten alot better. I have held down jobs, finished school and even have a part in a horror film coming out soon-my dream! But i had been sad before and understood mental illness well enough to try and help. His father left when he was young, with another woman he had cheated on his mother with. He had to take care of his mother because she became dependent on drugs and alcohol. He had a tough life and was depressed alot and never got much help. I was his shoulder to cry on. I tried to give advice, anything I could. Then after awhile I started school and couldn't stay up late with him when he'd have a cry-fest. I wasn't there for him as much. I couldn't be there all the time. And I started to get scared that by being around a person so mentally ill and whom I love so much and it hurts me to see him hurt-might drag me back down into depression again. I didn't enjoy being around him anymore, as horrible as that sounds. I broke it off a few weeks ago. I felt maybe he needed to have time to himself, that I should be alone. We left on great terms, still friends after having been through so much togther. Maybe a week went by and I could never stop thinking about him since I had broken up with him. I couldn't deal with it anymore and called to tell him how I feel. This has actually made me feel sicker than I have in ages-I can't eat, sleep. We've had numerous cry-fests on the phone and in person, but we both don't want to ruin our friendship. Its so hard though. And now he says he just wants to be friends, although he knows I ultimately hope we can eventually be toegther again. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't want to be hurt anymore. That he needs to get his **** together. I realized I had made a huge mistake by dumping him-that it was selfish of me to leave him hanging when he needs me most-especially since I've been on that side of the fence before. And he's never been dumped before-he was always the dumpee. He always said I had "the most amazing eyes he'd ever seen", that "he loved me more than anything forever>" we even used to wear pendants with eachothers blood in them around our necks like Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob! We always said we were each other's "one"-that we're forever. I still feel that way even though I screwed up big time. I tried to talk to him and explain but it becomes even more of a mess. I didn't make enough time for him then and I know that was a mistake. I even made him a big art collage-something he always said he'd wanted me to make him-for Easter-to try and show him that no matter what from now on I'll make time for him. I've become nuts-I called him constantly, which upset him, amde him mad even-so I've stopped. Its so hard though. His best friend told me to "stay cool"-be friends-not get into anymore cry-fests and stuff, and I'm trying so hard but it's driving me insane. He says he loves me-as a friend-but he's not "in love" with me-not anymore-not now. I need to fix this. I know I have to give him space and time to heal-to help his wounds that I inflicted. I've been doing this horror film(I'm off set today), but I was so excited about it-and I should be. But I can't get excited about it like I should. He said for me to do this film-he knows it's my dream-his too-and that it will make him proud-so I am. Also for myself, but also to make him proud. After the film wraps though, I don't know what to do. Stay cool, be friends. I'm trying. I just need some help, some advice. An outsiders perspective. I dated someone before him for 3 years who treated me bad and was an alcholic-very bad when I was so mentally messed up. But it doesn't com[are in any fraction to what me and my ex now had. I'm so deathly afraid if I give him TOO MUCH space he'll replace me-and that'll drive me to the grave. I don't think he would-he's hurt. Doesn't want anything to do with the opposite sex in that way at this time. I just want him back so badly. I've never met someone who's had so much in common with me, could understand me and me understand him back. I really feel like he is my "one"-my "forver person"-my soulmate. Any thoughts? Thanks everyone. This means the world to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 You broke up with him for an excellent reason. While I understand you may feel very guilty and you may still care for him a great deal, you broke up with him in order not to be dragged into his dark world. No reason to feel bad about doing that. I think you made the right decision and you ought to stick to it. You only live once. Just because you love the guy and you both like horror films is not nearly enough of a reason to date him forever...or marry him. Remain friends with him if you can. See if he gets medical help for his problems and that the positive results of treatment are long lasting. Meanwhile, if you meet other people you'd like to get to know better you should go for it. I hate to add an additional burden to you, but if you have some spare time take an English course where they can teach you sentence and paragraph structure so you won't write big blobs of gray type with no breaks...that have the potential for blinding readers or giving them debilitating migraine headaches. Good luck to you and never look back or regret the decision you made. Never, ever let any person who is going to detract from your life suck you into theirs...and don't do it to yourself with guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 And he's never been dumped before-he was always the dumpee. Lucky for him. You have taken the blame for his pain, and this is simply not right. While i'm sure you care for him, he has already stated that he is not in love with you. Don't you believe that if he was in love with you at one time he would still be now? Let's say I can relate... no tears... just blood. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 YOU WRITE: "And he's never been dumped before-he was always the dumpee." A dumper is the one who does the dumping...or initiates the break up. A dumpee is the one who is dumped...or the one who is broken up with. So if he has never been dumped before...he was always the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brighteyes Posted April 22, 2003 Author Share Posted April 22, 2003 well to respond to both of your replies, its not just horror movies of course that we have in common-i love him becuase I love him. he means alot to me and regardless of his mental state always treated me well. I know he is currently seeing doctors and on alot of medication to try and help him. I guess the best thing I could do right now is be there for him, be his friend and aid him in any way I can to help him out-not bring up the "us" subject so as to upset him all the more. Also, he always loved me and says he loves me-as a friend, but isn't in love with me anymore. which in response to Bill's post, yeah, why doesn't he love me now? I don't understand. How could a year and a half of loving me go away in a matter of weeks? I don't understand. I even asked if this is the case now, did he ever really love me to begin with? he said yes. So I don't know. And yeah, sorry about the long paragraphs and stuff and for the migraines:( I did my best. I just typed away trying to get it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brighteyes Posted April 22, 2003 Author Share Posted April 22, 2003 and on that dumpee thing-I made an error. He was always the person who dumped, he was never dumped himself before me. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 Love isn't a switch that you can turn off. In fact, it isn't a switch at all. If he truly loved you before, he would still now. That has nothing to do with mental problems Link to post Share on other sites
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