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EX broke NC and now wants to be friends!


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So my ex and I broke up mutually around 4 months ago and tried to be friends. When we hung out he couldn't handle the "friend" aspect ie no kissing, no cuddling, etc and after many rejections from me he LOST it and said some pretty awful things to me over text before saying he was going NC. Wow, okay. I left him alone.

 

Two months later he tries to talk to me at work but I'm still mad lol. So I just stare at him until he walks away.

 

Fast forward to now, four months since we last really spoke and I get a text very late at night where he basically says he's sorry. I didn't respond to this figuring he was just trying to ease his guilt. Then he text me again the next day apologizing for a second time and then called several times, as well. At this point I figured he must be in this for more than just easing his guilt, right? Otherwise he would have just left it at the first apology. I have been ignoring all of his attempts at contact and have not said a word.

 

So he had an emergency last night and I was pretty much forced to call his mother to get him some help. Later that night he text me 'that was cool of you. thank you.' I called him to make sure he was okay and we talked for about 3 minutes where he basically he said "I'm dying over here" and that he "desperately wants to be my friend". I told him that I was just giving him what he asked for and he said "I don't want this for us." Now he is speaking to me at work for the first time and is saying he will beg me if he has to.

 

I miss him and would like to be his friend but a part of me is afraid that he still has feelings and that this is all just an attempt to be my boyfriend, again. I don't want him back and I don't want him feeling rejected if he tries to take it to the next level once we're friends, again.

 

So, guys, what do you think? Does he just want to be friends? Do men ever want to be friends with their exes without some other motive? Or should I just leave it alone?

 

Any advice welcome. :) Thanks.

Edited by Daja
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if he still has feelings for you and you have no intention of being more than friends then you cant be friends until he has got over you. You really should cut all contact as you are not being fair on him and you are messing with his head. It wil be torture for him.

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Thing is I don't know if he still has feelings or if he truly just wants to be friends. I haven't dated many guys and I still don't quite understand how they work. I would love to have him as a friend because he's the kind of guy that I know will always be there for me and vise versa. Should I just ask him what he really wants? I don't know if I could that would feel a little awkward lol.

Edited by Daja
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I am in the exact reverse of your situation. In other words I am your ex.

 

I contacted my ex gf after 35 days NC but all I desire now is to keep her as a friend. I realise that I cannot get my hopes up or I will be crushed again. (we spilt up several times with the just friends theme ) until I went NC because like your ex could not deal with no sex although I was getting kisses and cuddles but always having to fight for it

 

You should verify that all he wants is friendship but all you have to do is see what he asks for. If he starts making plans like a date. I don't plan to have any romantic outings with her anymore, luckily she also lives 90 min away.

 

I say Let him be your friend but insist that he understand that you will be having your own life and there will be no dates.

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im in sort of the reverse situation aswell...my ex broke it off with me 2 months ago..and we went on to date other people but were single again now,and we have been talkin for awhile.after we ended up being single again,we started talking and one night we even had sex...and since that time where she came to me ,i cant get her out of my head,i miss her like crazy everyday...but she told me she doesnt love me like that any more,but i still love her so much...and everytime we talk i TRY to play it cool,but i end up saying somting about loving her etc...its just so cunfussing as to what i should do,she wants to be friends she said w/benefits,which is all good,but its so freakin hard cause i love her so much and jst want to be with her...

 

i think you should just NC with him and not torture and screw around with his head,cause let me tell you,it freakin sucks when you love some one so much,and they give you a little somthing but not everything.i would rather have my ex just put herself out of my life,then just give me these false hopes and put me through mind torture everyday....and yet i still go back to talking to her everyday.

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It sounds like your ex should be on here posting and spilling his guts out getting advice, not you.

 

I'd tell him to forget about being friends with you, stop contacting you in every way, and do his best to move on and become stronger as a person. You two working together would make it harder, because the low amount of contact would hurt him slightly, but he'd move on eventually.

 

Don't worry Daja, I'm sure he'll be over your ass and ontop of another girl in a few months or so ;)

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I would be his friend in a second if I knew he was with another girl but I get the feeling that if he was with another girl he would not be asking me to be his friend, at all.

 

The thing I'm most afraid of is that we will hang out as friends and he will try to make a move, be hurt when I say no and write me another horrible text. The text he sent me when he went no contact was so cruel and attacked every weak spot he knew of and I cried myself to sleep for a long time. I don't want to go through that again.

 

I say him at work and told him it wasn't a good idea for us to talk right now. He seemed very hurt but I just don't know what else to do. I'm thinking about giving him my email and saying we can talk that way?

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I think its possible to be friends but only when there are no romantic feelings between each other. And I think that only happens after a long time. not 4 months. He says he is dying. I think he wants more than just friends. But maybe he just feels badly for saying mean things. Maybe he just wants to know that you don’t hate him.

 

I think your best bet would be to tell him you are only interested in friends. I think it sounds like you will need to re-peat that several times before it sinks in. which is why I think it may be difficult to have a friendship right now. but who knows. i dont get the whole friendship with your ex thing anyway. if you really dont care hook him up with one of your single friends.

Edited by trueblue72ny
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As a man... I can honestly say that this guy still wants you (romantically).

 

When I was in this situation, I wanted my ex gf to be my friend too (very badly)! However, It wasnt because I wanted to sing songs and share dating secrets with her. My objective was to try and rekindle her emotions for me. I wanted her back!!

 

As for friends:

Maybe after a long time, when he has completely put you out of his mind and moved on would there be a possibility of friendship. Honestly though- by that time, he probably wont care for you AND/OR you won't for him.

 

Thats just the way it goes. :lmao:

 

My personal remark:

I get the feeling you still harbour 'real' feelings for this guy. I suggest you be 'real honest' with yourself about that. If you do care- 'take a chance' again. Lifes short and you'll find regret can be a very sad companion to live with. Men often realize way too late when something good is gone. Guys are just stupid like that sometimes! Hell, I know I am. :o

 

Good luck!

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I also want to mention that we were friends before we got together, so I already know that he is a wonderful friend. Unlike when we were a couple, he never raised his voice or said one cruel thing to me when we were friends and he was so much fun.

 

Onda thanks for the great advice! I admit I do care about him and I feel like I always will. The thought of him not even caring about me as a FRIEND really hurts because I feel like I will always be there for him. I was hoping that by helping him out of this recent emergency he would understand that even though I don't think it's a good idea for us to be friends right now that I will always be there when he really needs me.

 

I do care about him and I admit when he finds another girl I will be a little jealous but I will still want him to be happy and I would be willing to be his friend and give him advice on his love life and the whole nine! We are just not right for each other romantically, not at all. We were a wreck, in fact lol. But we CLICK on so many other levels. I will always care and I hope he will too. :(

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I was very best friends with my ex for several years before we dated for three years. When she broke up with me, said we could still be friends when I was ready. I lied, said I was ready but it was only to stay in contact with her to try and get back together. Unfortunately, I think this is common.

 

I tried for months to do the friend thing but I couldn't. I wanted her in my life as she was formerly my best friend and lover for so long I couldn't imagine her not being a part of my life.

 

That ended abruptly when I recently told her I can't just be friends and wanted to get back together or I needed to move on. She went ballastic and won't talk or even look at me when she sees me now.

 

Its a rare set of exes that can be friends after being intimate and I think it really can't be done. So, don't befriend him unless you want to get back together. You both will just end up upset.

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This is the cold hard truth.

 

Ex bf's want only one of two things: sex or reconciliation.

 

I would be his friend in a second if I knew he was with another girl but I get the feeling that if he was with another girl he would not be asking me to be his friend, at all.

 

I completely agree. Friendship is not his end goal here. He wants you back, either in a relationship or the bedroom.

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My recommendation is that you don't have any contact with each other for at least six months. A year would be better. Don't see each other, don't talk on the phone, no email, no texting. THEN try to be friends.

 

People who break up--especially when the break up is mutual--think being friends is the mature thing to do, that cutting off all contact would be cruel and needless. Actually, the opposite is true. Being around someone you've recently broken up with can be a torment. It is like picking and picking at a wound and not letting it heal.

 

In a year's time, you both will have gained some distance from the break up. Maybe you'll even have met other people. That will make it much easier to carry on as friends.

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Thanks you all for the wonderful advice even though it makes me a little sad. I was a virgin in the relationship and still am so I don't think he's coming back for sex. He's only had one other girlfriend (he's 26 and she was his high school sweetheart) and they don't speak anymore. I wish he had more exs so I could weigh it all out.

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I wish he had more exs so I could weigh it all out.

 

Let me just tell you this, I've been dumped several times. I dont want to be friends with any ex, period. As far as Im concerned, its pointless. We arent friends, and even if we were, those days are long gone.

 

We wanted different things when we split, and chances are, we've only grown farther apart. At the absolute most, I'd be friendly, but wouldnt keep up dialogue going, or meet with them at all.

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I totally understand your feelings regarding him. It's very natural to feel like you do towards him.

 

Now comes the toughest thing: You must realize he's not ready to be a 'true' friend. He will tell you otherwise, but I suggest you go with your heart on this. If you believe (like I do) that he still desires you tremendously then you need to conceed the end of the relationship and cease contact. To prolong this will really hurt him! And trust me- It will BIGTIME!

 

When I went through this with an ex- I kept holding to every little thing she did and said and it sucked the happiness right out of me (especially when she moved on to another man). That hurt like a sumbitch!!

 

Years later- looking back, I know now (though she was a good woman to me) I wouldnt care to know her again. Lifes strange like. Perhaps if I didnt really care much about her from the begining, I might have been able to be just friends. In hindsight, my heart was just to attached to her to see her as anything other than my 'girlfriend'. :(

 

I wish you could have a 'real' friendship with him (I honestly do) but experience has taught me relationship endings are usually a very bitter pill to swallow. Seldom does a relationship end on a REAL amicable level. :(

 

Nevertheless, go with your heart on this.

 

And good luck!

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To prolong this will really hurt him! And trust me- It will BIGTIME

 

I kept holding to every little thing she did and said and it sucked the happiness right out of me (especially when she moved on to another man). That hurt like a sumbitch!!

 

my heart was just to attached to her to see her as anything other than my 'girlfriend'. :(

 

 

And good luck!

 

I am going through this right now :S i have a friends with benefits goin on with my ex ..but i cant think of her as a friend at all,and i miss her like mad everyday.im misreble everyday,just hoping things will change...i talk to her almost everyday ,check her fb,think about her..but she doesnt love me like she used to,so she says...is this even worth putting myself through??? i keep hoping i cn change things around and she will come back,but i want it now.

 

looks like you know what youre talking about Ondachin...your pic is F-in funny too hahahah

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So I told him last night that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to talk anymore. He said he would try but probably wouldn't be able to control himself from not calling me. I thanked him and said it was for the best.

 

But he just called me (I didn't answer) and text me asking me to momentarily forgive him so we could go to lunch to catch up. I hate ignoring him but what else can I do?

 

Should I say something or just let it be?

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Be cruel to be kind. It is for the best in the long run. Do not respond at all no matter what. If you have to respond just say you can not be friends and he should nto wait for you. By responding you will just prolong his pain and take longer to heal. It feels bad but best in the long run. If you respond then he will reply again. you need to break the circle

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admant here one for you lol, my ex and i had a mutural break up then i decided i wanted to work things out but he didnt want to. I said ok then we should break up and have no contact, he didnt want that, he would still text and everthing. So one night i asked him if i should move on, and he said hestiantly "just move on" then about half hour later i told him i loved him he said he loved me too. the next day we text he said he wanted to be freinds for now and wasnt opposed to getting back together but wasnt rushing into anthing. why does he as the one who doesnt wanna work things out wanna have contact and i the one who does want to work things not want contact, its kind of reverse?

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