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Well, I don't really know how or where to begin, this is a first for me. I suppose this is a good a place as any.

 

A month ago my girlfriend of 5 years moved to another city (quite a distance from where we were living). Our relationship was never incredibly strong & she said she needed to focus her energies on her own goals, her life. We agreed to maintain our relationship however in the "long-distance" fashion.

 

Two days ago, coincidentally also two days before my first planned visit, she calls & tells me that it is over, that I should still come to visit (to tie up loose ends), & that she would not be changing her mind about her decision to end our relationship. She told me that she wishes only to be alone, that she does not want the "obligation" of a boyfriend, that she could not put aside her anger & resentment over our tumultous past & that she no longer wishes to share a future together (we were discussing marriage in the months before she decided to move). Since this conversation she has insisted that that her mind is set & that she is certain that she has made the best decision. However, in the course of our conversations she has also indicated a willingness to remain friends. In talking to her it sounds as if there is a chance to salvage our relationship because she speaks of setting new boundaries & redefining things between us. I desparately want to remain together. I feel she is my soul mate.

 

I am of course incredibly hurt by her decision & confused as to what she means by redefining our relationship. In one breath she says I will not change my mind & in the next she is saying how she is looking forward to seeing me & asking for my help in settling into her new life. I simply do not know what to do: should I continue to hope that we can work things out? Should I just let go & walk away? Should I accept the new role (as she will define it) on the chance that in time she & I will reform as a couple?

 

I thank you for any insight you may provide.

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1. "In one breath she says I will not change my mind & in the next she is saying how she is looking forward to seeing me & asking for my help in settling into her new life."

 

She feels guilty and she's trying to let you down easy. But she is NOT confused and NOT wishy washy. She wants her relationship with you to end...and YOUR words of what she said to you make that abundantly clear. She wants to walk away feeling as good about this as possible.

 

2. "I simply do not know what to do: should I continue to hope that we can work things out?"

 

You can hope for what you want. But you need to respect her decision. She doesn't want this relationship. It's very likely that what she's looking for is the freedom to see others where she is. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she's got somebody in mind already.

 

Of course, there is always the possiblity she will change her mind but her words are very emphatic and I wouldn't count on that happening. The more you annoy her about getting back together, the more emphatic she will be. If you want any chance with her at all, walk away totally and drive her nuts with curiosity.

 

3. "Should I just let go & walk away?"

 

Did you hear what she said??? Yes, absolutely. This is over for now. If you cease all contact with her, you might get a rise out of her.

 

I wouldn't go see her if I were you, it's a waste of time. Send a buddy to get your things or have her mail them to you. Of course, you don't have that kind of self discipline and you're dying to see her and show her you are the man for her. Just don't make a fool out of yourself. Again, the more you beg, the more intent she will be in getting away from you.

 

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I've been in the same place and it's not pleasant...except usually for me they aren't long distance...they are just minutes away.

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Thank you. I have a couple things to add. Our experience together has shown that she does change her mind & that she (and I) often make these types of decisions without fully thinking through the consequences. Moreover, like her, I want some time on my own not to see other people but to get my head together after 4 years with her on a roller coaster. But I don't see the need of ending the relationship. I think that as time passes the negative feelings we share for one another will diminish.

 

Of course, we have been trying for years to make this thing work & nothing seems to help. We argue constanly over mundane things like what jeans I decide to wear. Too, I have a very full schedule with working full-time & going to school at night & she does not feel that I have the time or energy to make the effort to show her that I care.

 

The relationship between us started at a very difficult time for me. I was drinking heavily, heck I was pretty much a drunk. With her help & understanding I stoped drinking. That in itself caused a lot of problems, breaking a dependency is never simple & my emotions were all over the map for about a year. Since then we just cannot seem to get along consistently. I know stopping the drinking changed my personality greatly - I became more complusive, less able to laugh, more grave & completely unspontaneous. I also now live pretty much to make up for lost time always beating myself for my mistakes & looking to the future (which I plan, plan, plan) rather than living in the present. My schedule leaves me tired & drained of all feeling (law school does that I guess) & I am becoming more & more conservative.

 

She tells me that I am not the same person & that she cannot relate to me & with all the problems we have had she just doesn't have the heart to continue to try. Strangely, I agree with her on just about every level - we worked for years for a relationship we never really had & we have both changed a lot. I recognize the problems - the total shut down of communication between us, the inattention, the absence of intimacy and yet, I cannot help but hope. I live in a very narrow world with few real friends & of them she is the best. So I am frightened of being on my own after so long & wondering if I have anything to give anyone - not a very comforting thing to think about.

 

I know I have to respect her decision & I do. I do not want to talk her out of it. I just want her & I to remain close without all the baggage our relationship carries. Do you think it is silly to want to remain friends with her? Am I just setting myself up for a harder fall? It is really difficult for me to cogently narrate the story of my experience with her & in life in general, any advice on how to make myself clearer?

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1. "Do you think it is silly to want to remain friends with her?"

 

What would be the purpose of that? So you can be there to advise her when she starts dating other people??? So you can be there when she starts to totally neglect the friendship when she gets serious with somebody else??? Or are you hoping that if you are close to her that some decade in the future she might change her mind?

 

No, I don't think it's silly to remain friends with her...I think it's insane.

 

2. "Am I just setting myself up for a harder fall?"

 

Well, you can either accept my emphatic "YES" for an answer or you can just stick around and see for yourself. Remember, it only took this girl you thought you had a great and strong relationship with a month, (or less) to decide she didn't want to have anything more to do with you. Doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me. Maybe it seemed that way on your end...but not on hers.

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Speaking from experience, i was once in the situation of your girlfriend of 5 years. i acted and treated my boyfriend of 4 years much the same way she is acting toward you. here are my reasons for which i felt at the time:

 

1. i was very much in love with him BUT i wanted to see what was out there. i had a lot of schooling ahead of me (i was 20-21 at the time and i am 40 years now) and i knew that living in a different town 2 hours away would bring lots of opportunity date wise. in short i was shopping for someone better even though what i had (a great guy-all around)was enviable to most women. now in hindsight i realize i may have been very content in life had i stayed with him.

 

2. i wanted to let him down easy so i purposely set out to pick fights and get him to "fall out of love with me" this was now i realize very immature and cowardly. i should have as she should just lay the truth on the line instead of making you think that part of the problem is your fault.

 

3. i changed so much from the beginning of the relationship to the end. he never left home and i did. i felt that i was more "worldly" if you will. i also felt that i wanted to experience more out of life--- the grass is greener syndrome.

 

Although i still love my old boyfriend to this day and am very happily married with children i am very content that he is married and successful. i often wonder what life would have been like living back in my hometown, is he really happily married and happy? what i came to realize and you should too is that there are many "true loves" for us in this world. dont fixate on one person what you should look for is the relationship you want and your girlfriend is not the only end to that means.

 

she is both immature and cruel as i was and am very sorry for now. i have sons and would never want a girl treating them the way i did. your love is genuine and she does love you but is more selfish(as i was) and puts herself ahead of your feelings. don't hold it against her but you have to cut all ties from her and date someone new. maybe then she may realize as i did many many years later that i gave up a wonderful guy.

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I am not hoping that "some decade in the future" she might change her mind & I recognize the risk (on both ends) that in time & with new others in our lives the friendship will wither. I accept those risks not with some "When Harry Met Sally" notion in my head, but with a sincere desire to simply be kind to her & myself. She is not demon & is not cruel or selfish. She has been & remains a very understanding & gving person. I harbor no ill will toward her at all.

 

I do not recall having said that the relationship was strong & great. It was not. It was a constant journey from one problem to another. Totaled we probably had 1 good year out of 5. I think we both knew it was over long ago but out of sheer stubborness or misguided hope we trudged on miserably: content to be alone together. What it comes down to is that she & I spent nearly 5 years fighting for a relationship we never had. She & I rushed headlong into "love" completely igonring the fact that we had been developing a positive friendship before getting "romantically" involved. Of course, that friendship got all muddled up & the love we had for one another as friends became this twisted battlefield when we tried to make it as a couple.

 

Truth be told I am very much to blame. I am not always a wonderful guy. I get very moody & often inattentive - getting so wrapped up in work or school that I don't even recognize others. I mean for two years, every weekend I would leave the apartment to study at 7am & return at 2pm. When I got home I would simply zone out hardly speaking. Why would anyone want to live with that?

 

Y'all are saying to "break all contact" with her, to start dating someone else, & that I a going to take a hard fall. I appreciate the advice & think it valid, yet I am not certain it applies in this situation. I don't feel trod upon or mal-treated. I simply feel frightened & alone. My intial shock, I think, was based on wanting to fight (to convince her that I am the man for her) not on the quality of our relationship but on a selfish need to simply not be alone - I was not fighting for her nor even for "us" but for me.

 

I do love her very much & think her a wonderful woman. As you say there are many "true loves" out there & it does not mean that this one has to devolve into marriage. The times she & I got on well were those times when we dropped the pretense of trying to be a couple & approached each other as friends. Perhaps on this point we will have to agree to disagree.

 

Presently, my concerns are really directed toward moving on. As I said I live in a narrow world & don't really know a lot of people. My schedule is insane between work & school & I have a checkered past (i.e. drinking problem, financial problems). I do not really know how to get out there, to move on, to find & build new relationships. I have always had problems recognizing my self-worth & I think the really terrifying part of all this is the thoughts that run through my head, telling me I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Can you point me in a direction or offer your insight upon these or any other matters you think important?

 

Thank you

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"I have always had problems recognizing my self-worth & I think the really terrifying part of all this is the thoughts that run through my head, telling me I am going to be alone for the rest of my life."

 

I know how you feel!

 

In order to meet new people:

-Join clubs at school.

-Play sports at school or elsewhere.

-Go to a gym, and don't hesitate to chat (a bit!) with people around you.

-Take an extra fun class, if you can.

-Ask a good gal-friend to introduce you to someone.

-Pay attention - I'm sure there're ltos of people in your classes you could start talking to.

 

Oh, and don't mention your checkered past to people you meet. Talk about the present. Once you're much closer with them, you can tell them about what problems you've overcome, if you want to.

 

That's my view!

 

Good luck,

-yes

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Thank you. The relationship I am exiting was to say the least all consuming in that I focused all of my energies it (and work & school) to the complete destruction of my social life. I really feel like I just moved to this city & know no one. You adivce is well taken & I just hope that I can get over my self-deprication & get out there and do some of those things. That of course is the challenge.

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Let her go for good. Ive been right where you aren less than a year ago. The more you go after her the less she will want you. To this day I dont talk to my ex and she constantly tries to contact me. She screwed me over and in return she gets a life time of silence from someone that cared about her.

 

She is not the one for you. I say this b/c anyone who really loves another tries everything to be with that person. If she is wishy washy why would you want someone like that. Talk about mentally weak and full of bs that you will have to deal with later. There is a reason why your relationship was a roller coaster.

 

Listen to Tony, he really knows what he is talking about. He helped me and I have finally realized what I put myself through. I still care for my ex but that does not mean I have any kind of future with her.

 

Find a chick that will stand by your side no matter what. If you cant find one, then enjoy a single mans life. Its better than spending your days with someone who sorta cares about you.

 

The best thing you can do is to get involved in a hobby. 1 it will let you come down from what happened. 2. It will allow you to meet people with similar interests.

 

I would not look for a new gf in a club. Not all women in clubs are trouble but most are in my exp. I usually date close friends b/c the friendship is what attracts me the most.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

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Thanks for yor insight. As the days drag by I am coming more & more to the realization that much of what you say is true. There is a reason the relatioship was a roller coaster & the mental weakness, lack of dedication to love & wishy washy bs that you point to were large reasons.

 

She would often point to my lack of consistency in such things as failing to show my affection or maintain an even keel (I am admittedly quite moody). But in thinking over things she too failed to be consistent: she would ask for attention & affection but when I tried to do that she would say to leave her alone; she would ask me to share my feelings but whenever I started going there she would tell me that she didn't want to hear about my stupid problems or my law school anxieties.

 

I am not blaming her, I am just dumping a bit of anger. Certainly the street runs both ways - I was there being inconsistent too. I think she is a great person & I love her, always will but I think we just wore each other out.

 

I find your strength in not having any contact with your ex both admirable & troubling. It is admirable because it indicates your strength of character in sticking to a course of action that you feel is best for you & that is really a testament to your will.

 

Yet, it is troubling to me because I value her friendship. Our relationship began in friendship & even though we cannot make it as a couple, I would like to maintain that out of respect for the friendship itself. You & Tony (& others) here simply say cut off all contact, dump her remaining things from my apartment in the alley & run like the wind into some mad new life that I do not even have a notion of how to create. However, I do not find in these assertions a rationale nor any examples of those who have tried to transition from "lovers" to friends rather than just slam the door.

 

Part of me would like very much to do just that. But I feel that in doing so I would be acting merley out of vindictiveness - a base desire to get back at her for hurting me. We hurt each other.

 

Maybe I am hanging on to a hope. I know I will get crushed when that hope fails & I know that it is going to hurt like crazy hearing about certain aspects of her life (i.e. new guys, hook-ups etc...). Yet, I feel very strongly that she & I have something to offer one another: something we cannot or will not offer within a "relationship" but can & do offer when the baggage of being "boyfriend" & "girlfriend" is left at the door & we face each other as two people who care about one another, want the best for one another & truly love, respect & cherish one another.

 

I am grateful for the advice & I will seriously consider it (she left a message last nite & I am debating on calling back). I remain torn between hanging on & letting go & this site is a real savior.

 

Thank you all & Peace

Velos142

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You should value your friendship with her if one still exisits. However dont be blind to what she might do to you. There is usually a great deal of anger that people love to dump on you when they break up. So if you really think a friendship can exist then by all means go for it. I personally think it depends on the relationship and breakup between the two people. Not all breakups are bad but mine so far have been.

 

I have leared since my ex that there is no pleasing someone else. Dont worry about what you did or didnt do. Live your life to the fullest and people will follow. If you spend your time worrying about your "inconsistencies" your going to miss life. I came to the same realizations that you did about inconsistencies. Basically I summed it up to one thing aftermath B.S.

 

The reason I dont talk to my ex is b/c I know nothing good can come of it. If you still think that rationally something good can come out of talking to her then go for it. But you are going to have to set aside your feelings and analyze the facts to determine this. My ex destroyed me on purpose, then wanted me back when she "realized" how "special" I was. Thats why I dont talk to her. You have to make your own choice and I will admit silence is not an easy one.

 

Hanging on to hope is fine. I did and I still do. It will just take an undertermined amount of time for you to get over it. When she starts hooking up with other guys it will hurt but it will also be your release. You will then understand why she was not the one for you if she can move on with someone else. It will make you feel like your relationship was for nothing and there is no reason to wait.

 

I will say one thing that I disagree with tony on. I believe in true love. If you really love her, dont worry about what you look like. If you want to caller her, then do so. But realize it may not get her back. Infact it probably wont. If she is rolling away like you explain, its just a matter of time. Here is one good saying that I will leave with you:

 

Never chase busses or women, you always get left behind.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

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I never chase buses another one always comes along. And, while it's more complex with women (tendency to chase), I guess the same is true - another love will come along even if one has to wait.

 

Thank you for your support & insight. Sometimes one simply wants to hear what one wants to hear, even if that means getting hurt. So thanks for the support, it is deeply appreciated.

 

I agree with you: I believe in true love. I also believe one may have many true loves throughout life.

 

I am sorry to hear that your ex treated you so shabbily, it sounds like she took a lot of pleasure in manipulating you & your feelings for her. Yet, it sounds like you are doing well & have gotten on with your life to which I say well done!

 

Peace

velos142

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