I did a very bad thing

[steffany]

Okay this should stunn a few of you if you have been foloowing my posts. I did something very out of character and need to know how to fix or at least heal what I've done.

 

Okay last weekend my grandmother passed away. I was to go to Detroit for the funeral...just a day or two. Well my parents called me and told me they couldn't afford for me to go. I couldn't pay it myself and we are going there next month for a wedding. Well I lied. I know mistake # 1. I thought me and my guy were spending so much time together that he must be getting tired of me. I thought a short break wouldn't hurt. So I parked my car in the back of my friends apartment and pretended to be out of town. Well an old flame called and asked to hang out. I agreed. (mistake #2) I knew I shouldn't and that my heart would be broke if my guy did this to me. But I did. I went hung out we exchanged a kiss. That night and the following I stayed at my girlfriends apartment. Anyhow I pretended to come back in town. That night my guy and I went to a local bar for some drinks. The old flame was there. We said fiendly hello but nothing to cause alarm. But my girl that came out her man didn't like something and decided to find out what. Well last night I was invited by old flame to go to a chrarity party at a local bar. Me and my girl friend went. I told my old flame that I never told him but I was involved with someone and I didn't want to hurt him so we couldn't persue anything and we shouldn't talk anymore. So I get home and my guy is accusing me of spending the weekend with the old flame and that he knows everything. And that my abortion was probably not even his to pay for. And many hurtful things. And he had every right to be upset. It all boils down to I lied. I have never done anything like this and don't know my next step. He stayed the night on the couch and told me he would not be staying over anymore and that if we continue to have sex he would wear two condoms. And that I have crushed him. He said he admired me for my high standards and values and I have completely betrayed him. Now he doesn't know what to beleive. HE doesn't know who I am. He said he could not give me an answer last night about where we stood because he was still mad and hurt and if I pressured him to make a disission to stay or leave he was mad enough to end it. He said he needs time to straighten this all out. What do I do to prove I am truley sorry and I don't want to loose him? I never have done a thing like this and am horrified I did it to this guy. I think I love him. I made mistakes but I'm only human and I will never not with anyone make them again. I am truely sad and distraught and need help.

 

Please don't tell me how wrong I was....I know.

 

I am looking for advice on what to do next. I don't want to loose him.

[Tony T]

You've done what you can do, now back off. The ball is in your boyfriend's court. The more you try to do in any form, the more he will perceive you as feeling guilty and wrong and therefore the more he will be pissed off. Just go on, business as usual. No more discussion, no more apologies.

 

It may take a very long time for him to get over this. If he throws it in your face again, you will have to terminate the relationship because you can't have a healthy relationship with your partner throwing past betrayals in your face all the time.

 

It will take a long time for him to trust you again, if ever. But there is nothing you can do now except start at the bottom and try building that trust all over again.

 

Trust is an odd thing. It takes a long time to build but it can go down the tubes overnight.

 

If he can't get over this, it could mean he is not the right person for you. People who love and care about others are understanding, forgiving and try to look beyond misdeeds...especially if they are explained and discussed fully and are isolated cases. Unfortunately, cheating is the hardest to forget.

 

You have some friends with really big mouths.

[yes]

First off, I'm sorry about the passing of your grandmother.

 

Second, I'm no expert but i think that you may also want to think about why you made this 'mistake'. Perhaps it says something about how you feel about this r/s... Like you said, this is something "very out of character" for you, so there must've been smth that caused you to do it ...

 

-yes

[steffany]

Tony-

 

Well my Mom said her and my father had a simular upstir in the beginning of their relationship and she told me to invite him over for dinner to discuss this since last night we both had a few drinks. And to explain what happened and show remorse and then back off. If in a month he hasn't called me to give him a call and get ready to pucker up. Take him to dinner out for drinks whatever he wants to do.

 

Yes-

 

I made the 'mistake' because of lack of better judgment. I knew I didn't want the old flame or any other man because I never stopped thinking of my guy. That is why I went last night to tell the other guy we shouldn't talk or be friends anymore. I even explained to him I was seeing someone I care about and don't want to hurt. Too late huh?

 

Tony and Yes-

 

One thing I didn't mention two weeks ago I asked where we stood in our relationship and he told me that he couldn't put as much attention to our relationship as he would like. A business he started last year just went down the tubes leaving him in financial ruines and with no job. HE said he needs to get his head and life straight before he could expect us to continue a relationship. I asked did that mean he wants to see other people he said know just that he is very stressed and needs to get things in order and that needs to come first. He asked me to tell him if I had plans on seeing any one else. Well after one date with old flame I knew I didn't want to date him. So I didn't think it was important I tell my guy.

 

 

Dag Nab It! I screwed up!! Oh the tangled webs we weave! I really am a good person...I better repeat that 100 times a day in the mirror.

[steffany]

I posted this morining @

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=83833#post83833

 

But I was wondering from someone who has recently been in a simular circumstance what I should do now.

 

I can't stand this. I haven't dated anyone seriously in so long but I was always the one cheated on but I can't think back clear enough to know what I should do to fix it.

[Tony T]

You can wait until hell freezes over and NOBODY is going to tell you how to fix this situation. If you think you can go through life royally screwing up and then have it fixed overnight, you have learned from the wrong people. Maybe when you're little, it happens that way. But when we are adults and we screw up, we have to face the consequences of our actions. We can't just undo things nor can we magically cause the people we have hurt to quickly forgive and forget.

 

Stop knocking yourself about this. Life is a set of lessons and you learned a real good here. If you want to feel better, I will tell you there are LOTS of men out their who have girlfriends who they cheated on with a strange lady ONLY once...15 minutes in the sack...the girl got pregnant....took them to court...and for 15 minutes of strange sex they are ordered to pay $9,000 per year child support for 18 years, adjusted yearly for inflation and increases in their income. Plus they lose their relationship.

 

It's all relative. I think you learned your lesson and got by pretty easily compared to others. You still have a chance if you will stop looking for a shortcut out of this. Forgive yourself and let things happen. The more you try to manage this situation, the more you will screw it up. Just leave it alone.

[steffany]

Okay live without him...I'm sure I'll manage. Don't want ya'll to take it literally

[steffany]

I thought I should try jotting down my thought and reasons at the moments that are causing so much tormoil. Once I get these down and off my chest I think I will be able to leave the ball in his court and hope he realizes I am sorry and would never hurt him again. I did learn my lesson. And thank God not like the situation you explained!

 

 

 

Stayed in town because:

*Wanted time to myself to just sort through my feelings

*Was excited to be going for the thrill of the return back to you so I just kept the ball rolling after I knew I wasn’t going

*I felt I was falling in love with you and I panicked

 

How I felt:

*Bad about not telling you I was in town

*Scared to tell you the truth that you wouldn’t accept it

*Nervous I would get caught and you would be distraught

 

 

Went out w/ Christian Friday after work:

*Thought it would be harmless fun

*Didn’t think it was as big of a deal as it was

 

How I felt afterwards:

*Excited to realize there isn’t a guy who can take my mind off you

*impatient I wanted to call you and tell how I felt about you

*Scared how you would feel if you found out

 

Went to 7:

*Have some drinks

*Talk with Christians roommate about helping him with some web sites

*Tell Christian I don’t think we should be assosiate anymore

 

How I felt:

*Relieved I told Christian I had feelings for you before anything bad happened

*Antsy to get home to you

 

Found out you got a ‘version’ of what happened and how I felt:

 

*Horrible: that you found out from other people so the story was all twisted and it was tearing you apart all night

*Hurt: I know how it feels to be hurt by someone you care about and I was hurt that I hurt you and I was hurt that this may be the end of something that could’ve been great

*Angry: That you think that I’m a hoe or my values are not as high as they are and that the baby wasn’t yours (outraged by that)

*Sad: That I have to lay next to you and not be able to comfort you or have your trust enough from you to at least listen to the real story and take a chance it is truth

*Broken: I just realized I was falling in love with you and I ruined something great and you are laying beside me broken too and I am the culprit

*The end of the world: How can you trust me again? How are you going to be able to get your life straight when I throw a curve like this?

[moimeme]

Steffany -

 

You are doing the right thing. You are analyzing yourself to figure out what you did and why. The next step is to be completely truthful with your BF about your discoveries about yourself. Show him exactly how bad you feel and how remorseful you are.

 

You began by not wanting to tell him that you thought you should have a wee break - that is where you went wrong; you didn't trust that he could handle that information. Tell him that and tell him why you feared telling him you wanted a little break.

 

Unfortunately, people can make up their minds about whether or not you are honest and sometimes nothing you can do can change their minds. However, it's worth a try. The only way to repair lies is with the absolute, complete, unvarnished truth. If he's worth it to you, you will expose your most vulnerable feelings to him knowing that you could get hurt. He will either be so unhappy at the thought of losing you that he will be willing to believe you, or he will already have shut his heart against you.

 

I've been in both positions and the latter really stinks. I hope it works out for you.

[moimeme]

Oh, Tony, don't be silly. People make stupid mistakes and are entitled to forgiveness if they are sorry and don't repeat their errors.

 

Steffany should at least give it the ol' college try; 'fess up, ask for forgiveness, and ABSOLUTELY NEVER do such a foolish thing again. IF the BF believes and accepts her explanation, then she owes it to him to be sure to never make this kind of 'mistake' again. That is how she will prove herself to him.

 

Geez you are a grump sometimes!

[steffany]

But I'm going to procede with caution.

 

Well, I called him when I got home and asked him to come over for dinner because I would like a chance to let him hear the true story and tell him why I did it and why I won't do it again. Well he came over and he listened. But he still goes back to believing his story about me staying the weekend alone with this guy and all kinds of stuff. I asked him to take a leap of faith and trust me. He said he was going to try. And that he wants to get over this but it is going to take time. I told him to think back to the person he was when I met him...I told him he discusted me when he was at the club and how many different women he would take home. He agreed he was a big womaniser. I asked him did he ever stop then to think of how he shouldn't do that when I was then? He said no. I then told him I looked past all this and saw the person he was inside and I'm now asking him to do the same for me. Then I reminded him that two weeks ago I asked him for our relationship to move to the next level and he brushed me off. Then I sat there silently looking at my hands thinking. Did I want to be with a guy who doesn't trust me? Will it ever be about love again or only about untrusting thoughts. Then I started to cry because the answer was no I didn't. He was watching me and came over and hugged me and said we are going to get passed this and that he is sorry he knows good people sometimes make mistakes. And he just held me and hugged me for about 5 minutes. Then he asked me what's he goin to do with me and asked me to smile for him. And then he left. But then he came back and asked if he could stay the night because his roommate was entertaining someone. So I let him and it was still strange to be in the same bed since now we sleep so far apart. I don't want to push my luck and try to cuddle close. I guess there is light at the end of my tunnle after all.

[moimeme]

It sounds like you got over this bump, girl. You were honestly remorseful and he hadn't shut himself off to believing that. Good for you both. Now be VERY truthful with him from now on.

 

Getting through problems like this can be good for a relationship because life is not trouble-free and you need to be on the same 'team' with your partner when trouble comes. It is a very good sign that he chose to believe you