Signs that he is an abuser or has missing links

[muse08]

just a thought...

 

how do we end up dating these guys who end up showing their true colors as being less than favorable...?

 

i really want to proceed wisely with healthy relationships. i've just ended one that had potential for serious drama. please someone...WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS THAT A GUY IS ABUSIVE(in any way)? please guys, feedback is needed here.

[PinkToes]

One of the most difficult things in this situation is that not only does a potentially abusive person often not show signs early on, but the opposite is true. He often begins a relationship by sweeping you off your feet, coming on as the most charming, devoted guy in the world. He just can't get enough of you!

 

And that's something we all want, right? And fortunately, most of the time, that behavior isn't -- and shouldn't be -- a red flag. The next step can be though.

 

Abusers often turn that devotion into very isolating behavior. Suddenly he doesn't want you to spend as much time with your friends, and it becomes a problem in the relationship. What started out as flattering starts to feel like control. He tells you he only wants to see you all the time because he loves you so much. But he behaves as if he can't trust you. He wants to know who you're talking to on the phone, and why you weren't in your office when he tried to call.

 

He might try to convince you that your friends are a problem; that they just don't understand him, or your relationship. Maybe they're just jealous that the two of you have something special. But underneath it all, his words are intended to isolate you from your support system, so that you will rely on him.

 

And to make it even more difficult, he can be absolutely charming to everyone else, so if you ever do try to confide in your family and friends that there might be a problem, they will downplay your feelings, because they just can't imagine that such a nice guy would ever hurt you. So you start to question yourself. This is exactly what he wants.

 

Over time, he may try to convince you that he's the only one who will ever understand you, and that no one else will ever love you the way he loves you. If you argue with him, he will blame you for overreacting, until you feel you need to walk on eggshells around him. Everything challenge between you becomes your fault.

 

From the outside, this doesn't really look like abuse. But it is very often the beginning. And it only escalates from there, and you often don't even realize how bad it has become, because it starts so slowly, and it feels so good at the beginning.

 

So the first thing to look out for is the point at which that flattering can't-get-enough-of-you feeling starts to feel more like isolation. You may feel that he isn't encouraging and supporting your other friendships, but trying to cut you off from them. A man (or woman) who loves you in a healthy way won't feel threatened by the other people in your life, and won't try to convince you that they're all bad for you.

 

I've never been in an abusive relationship, but only because I've never fallen in love with someone who later became abusive. No one is immune, and more often than not, the reds flags don't show up immediately. The only thing I would suggest is that you try to look for isolating or controlling behavior that doesn't sit right in your gut, and perhaps talk about it with him. Look for messages like, "I only act this way because I love you...." Because as you know, love should never hurt.

[muse08]

One of the most difficult things in this situation is that not only does a potentially abusive person often not show signs early on, but the opposite is true. He often begins a relationship by sweeping you off your feet, coming on as the most charming, devoted guy in the world. He just can't get enough of you!

 

And that's something we all want, right? And fortunately, most of the time, that behavior isn't -- and shouldn't be -- a red flag. The next step can be though.

 

Abusers often turn that devotion into very isolating behavior. Suddenly he doesn't want you to spend as much time with your friends, and it becomes a problem in the relationship. What started out as flattering starts to feel like control. He tells you he only wants to see you all the time because he loves you so much. But he behaves as if he can't trust you. He wants to know who you're talking to on the phone, and why you weren't in your office when he tried to call.

 

He might try to convince you that your friends are a problem; that they just don't understand him, or your relationship. Maybe they're just jealous that the two of you have something special. But underneath it all, his words are intended to isolate you from your support system, so that you will rely on him.

 

And to make it even more difficult, he can be absolutely charming to everyone else, so if you ever do try to confide in your family and friends that there might be a problem, they will downplay your feelings, because they just can't imagine that such a nice guy would ever hurt you. So you start to question yourself. This is exactly what he wants.

 

Over time, he may try to convince you that he's the only one who will ever understand you, and that no one else will ever love you the way he loves you. If you argue with him, he will blame you for overreacting, until you feel you need to walk on eggshells around him. Everything challenge between you becomes your fault.

 

From the outside, this doesn't really look like abuse. But it is very often the beginning. And it only escalates from there, and you often don't even realize how bad it has become, because it starts so slowly, and it feels so good at the beginning.

 

So the first thing to look out for is the point at which that flattering can't-get-enough-of-you feeling starts to feel more like isolation. You may feel that he isn't encouraging and supporting your other friendships, but trying to cut you off from them. A man (or woman) who loves you in a healthy way won't feel threatened by the other people in your life, and won't try to convince you that they're all bad for you.

 

I've never been in an abusive relationship, but only because I've never fallen in love with someone who later became abusive. No one is immune, and more often than not, the reds flags don't show up immediately. The only thing I would suggest is that you try to look for isolating or controlling behavior that doesn't sit right in your gut, and perhaps talk about it with him. Look for messages like, "I only act this way because I love you...." Because as you know, love should never hurt.

 

hmmm.you hit on some interesting points. my ex started off too fast and too charming. i asked him why he didn't try to set up time for us to go out more with friends.

 

once when around my family and friends he acted the part.but as soon as we were about to leave and all go somewhere else together he kept trying to convince me to leave everyone so we could go back to his place just the two of us. i wasn't trying to hear that. so we stayed but once we got in his car,he acts strange.i asked him what was wrong. he says, "i guess i'm just not used to you being around other guys.it's uncomfortable." mind you the guys were friends of the family. attractive guys though...i'll say and we were all talking when my ex walked outside and came in to see me talking with them he had a funny look on his face. that night when a relative stayed with me,he didn't even go to work the next day and ended up coming back to my place as soon as my family left.yet he used that as an excuse while we were all out...i'm just thinking about that now.he manipulated that situation to be alone with me.

[GrayClouds]

just a thought...

 

how do we end up dating these guys who end up showing their true colors as being less than favorable...?

 

i really want to proceed wisely with healthy relationships. i've just ended one that had potential for serious drama. please someone...WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS THAT A GUY IS ABUSIVE(in any way)? please guys, feedback is needed here.

 

First, go sloooooow. It sounds old fashion but it can help. Secondly watch action, not just toward you but to strangers, friends and family. Do not assume his actions towards them will be different toward you when he become comfortable about the relationship.

 

And the hardest, but most beneficial, is to understand what it is about yourself that is drawn to that type of personality; insecurity, mirroring parents relationship, need for false intensity, ect. Doing this work successfully will make you less receptive to these types.

[ajj]

just a thought...

 

how do we end up dating these guys who end up showing their true colors as being less than favorable...?

 

i really want to proceed wisely with healthy relationships. i've just ended one that had potential for serious drama. please someone...WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS THAT A GUY IS ABUSIVE(in any way)? please guys, feedback is needed here.

 

I'm not a guy but unfortunately I have been in an abusive relationship. I learned a lot. I also learned that no one is immune. Sure, you can have a screwed up childhood which may make your more vulnerable to these types but it can happen to anyone.

 

The best analogy I have read about abusers and their victims is the frog in the water. If you take a frog and put it in a dish of hot water the frog will jump out immediately. If you take a frog and put in a dish of water that is comfortable and slowly over a period of time increase the heat of the water the frog will stay in the dish until it literally cooks. Having said that... here are some common warning signs:

 

1. QUICK INVOLVEMENT Wants a serious commitment way too early in the relationship. Starts talking about serious topics such as living together, marriage, starting a family after knowing you a short time. Convinces you they are so in love with you that this is natural. Really? Do you want to be planning a life together with someone you've only known two months?

 

2. ISOLATION FROM SUPPORT SYSTEM

Some abusers are quite subtle in their attempts to isolate you. Some won't make outright disparaging remarks (Your friends/family don't understand what we're about! They don't want you to be happy and they're trying to break us up!) or even their own friends in the begining. They are the masters of the backhanded compliment. "I want you to spend more time with your friends honey. You don't see enough of them." After a night out with your friends then it is "Wow, you and your must have had a great time. Everyone seemed to drink a lot. How much did you spend?" Your co-workers are not off limits either. A phone call during non-business hours about a minor matter turns into "I can't believe how your co-workers/boss/job take advantage of you." Eventually, you start to adopt these beliefs as your own and never remember that you didn't believe that until those seeds were planted by the abuser. Minor disagreements with family/friends/co-workers become major rifts when you causually mention any interactions to your abuser.

 

It's not uncommon for abusers to suddenly see much less of their friends and begin to assasinate their friends/family character to you as the relationship progresses. You'll start to think their friends/family can't be trusted. This way, if they ever try to warn you about him/her or tell you your bf/gf is cheating you won't believe them. **They make their Mom/Dad out to be horrible and claim they want nothing to do with them and later you find out they talk to them almost daily and confide details (especially unflattering ones) about you! Double red flag is they disparage Mom/Dad yet still accept financial support.**

 

3. FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND/OR DEPENDENT

Does your bf/gf live on their own? Are they being supported by friends or family members? You might not know this right away. But if you notice utility bills that are for the residence your bf/gf lives in but not their name is is a big/red flag. Abusers have a certain sense of entitlement. People should support them! They'll tell you things such as "Well, I'm on my parents cell phone plan because we have a family plan and it is only $15 per month for me to have a cell phone." It's when you later find out their parents are paying for the monthly plan, the phone, the car insurance, and other bills red flags should go up. If they are an adult and haven't been laid off of their job due to the economy and are living at home with the parents be wary. This may be a sign not only of financial but emotional dependence and immaturity. Abusers often have poor credit ratings.

 

4. NOTHING IS EVER THE ABUSER'S FAULT

Abusers/Emotionally Dependent and Otherwise Toxic people always have excuses for everything! It's not their fault they are chronically late there was traffic, the boss is picking on them, lost track of time, something unexpected is always coming up. Again, this goes back to the general sense of entitlement abusers have. They do what they want, when they want, how they want, and only when it benefits them. In the begining you will feel sorry for someone who just seems to have bad luck but after a while the chronic unreliability will become infuriating. Of course it will be your fault for being mad.

 

5. A GENERAL SENSE OF UNEASE YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR FINGER ON

You don't know why but conflicts never seemed to get resolved. You do your best to communicate your point of view but what you said gets twisted and used against you. Stating "I'm starting to feel taken for granted. I've done everything you have asked to help you out and yet I feel you're so angry at me and I don't understand why" becomes "You're always throwing things in my face!" or "I'm not mad. Why are you always accusing me?" especially when everything about their body language and tone of voice states they are in fact furious. You feel "bugged" just by being in the same room as the person but you don't know why.

 

6. YOUR FAVORITE POSSESSIONS ARE "ACCIDENTALLY" BROKEN, MISPLACED, or BORROWED AND NEVER RETURNED.

Targeting your possesions is another favorite tactic of abusers. Did he "accidentally" spill a bottle of red wine on your favorite dress? Did she use your computer once and doesn't understand how she managed to delete an important file? How can you be mad when it was an accident, really. They promise to replace the item if possible and don't.

 

7. NOTHING IS SACRED TO AN ABUSER, NOT EVEN YOUR PETS

Even abusers that have pets of their own that appear well cared for and taken care of doesn't mean your pets are safe. You're both cat lovers and owners? Just because he claims he loves cats doesn't mean he won't see your cat (or any other pet) as a threat to him and won't try to injure or harm them. The love and attention you give your pet is a threat to him because that is love and attention that should be going to them!

 

8. YOU HAVE BEEN DATING LESS THAN A YEAR AND THEY WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN OR THEY WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THEIR CHILDREN

Spending time with kids with someone you have known less than a year is to try to create feelings of a "family" When you try to leave you'll hear "What about the children? What are you/am I suppossed to say to the children?" The feeling of being a family will keep you tied by guilt/obligation. Worse, pedophiles are also known for targeting single parents who are masters at courting them to gain access to the children. Parents of both genders need to be very aware of this.

 

This is by no means to be a complete list but I hope this answers your general question. You don't need to label a relationship abusive for it to be unhealthy enough for you to want to leave. Staying with someone you don't want to be with is cheating- you're cheating yourself out of the chance to be with someone you truly want to be with instead of just settling for.

[muse08]

First, go sloooooow. It sounds old fashion but it can help. Secondly watch action, not just toward you but to strangers, friends and family. Do not assume his actions towards them will be different toward you when he become comfortable about the relationship.

 

And the hardest, but most beneficial, is to understand what it is about yourself that is drawn to that type of personality; insecurity, mirroring parents relationship, need for false intensity, ect. Doing this work successfully will make you less receptive to these types.

 

very insightful.thank you! reason for me being drawn to this type of personality is possibly b/c my father was neglectful since i was 4yrs-old.he says all the nice things that you say to a daughter but he didn't help my mother take care of me, financially or otherwise...i resent him for it.my father was/is/was(don't really know him well) very controlling.

 

did things to my mother like...mess with the wires in her car so that she couldnt leave or take me anywhere.crazy!!!

 

...so basically when i wanted and needed his attention all those years he wasn't there.my relationships take a toll on me when they don't work out.

 

however, in this situation i'm able to deal better b/c he's acting insane.so perhaps i'm attracted to what seems perfect but subcontiously maybe i know it will be easier to let him go b/c he may not work out anyway...?just a thought.

Edited October 21, 2009 by muse08

[muse08]

excellent analogy here...

 

The best analogy I have read about abusers and their victims is the frog in the water. If you take a frog and put it in a dish of hot water the frog will jump out immediately. If you take a frog and put in a dish of water that is comfortable and slowly over a period of time increase the heat of the water the frog will stay in the dish until it literally cooks. Having said that... here are some common warning signs:

 

1. QUICK INVOLVEMENT Wants a serious commitment way too early in the relationship. Starts talking about serious topics such as living together, marriage, starting a family after knowing you a short time. Convinces you they are so in love with you that this is natural. Really? Do you want to be planning a life together with someone you've only known two months?

matches him to a T! tried getting me prego several times early on and apologized for doing it then did it again.no success though, thankfully.

2. ISOLATION FROM SUPPORT SYSTEM

 

It's not uncommon for abusers to suddenly see much less of their friends and begin to assasinate their friends/family character to you as the relationship progresses. You'll start to think their friends/family can't be trusted. This way, if they ever try to warn you about him/her or tell you your bf/gf is cheating you won't believe them.

ive met only one of his friends and he seemed really weird.but he says the rest of his friends are kind of negative and hang in the streets(so to speak). none of this makes sense to me. he was telling them we were about to get married when he proposed to me(i gave the ring back after a day mind you), but i haven't even met half of them.his brother is a clinically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic,btw.

 

3. FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE AND/OR DEPENDENT

Does your bf/gf live on their own? Are they being supported by friends or family members? You might not know this right away. But if you notice utility bills that are for the residence your bf/gf lives in but not their name is is a big/red flag. Abusers have a certain sense of entitlement. People should support them! They'll tell you things such as "Well, I'm on my parents cell phone plan because we have a family plan and it is only $15 per month for me to have a cell phone." It's when you later find out their parents are paying for the monthly plan, the phone, the car insurance, and other bills red flags should go up.

he depends on his mother emotionally and tells her almost everything about our relationship. she and his aunt tell him what to do quite often.

 

also he says he's about to put his mother on his cell phone plan since she doesn't have a cell phone.ok that sounds cool to me, but he looked at me for a while to get my response...not sure what that was about.

 

4. NOTHING IS EVER THE ABUSER'S FAULT

Abusers/Emotionally Dependent and Otherwise Toxic people always have excuses for everything! It's not their fault they are chronically late there was traffic, the boss is picking on them, lost track of time, something unexpected is always coming up. Again, this goes back to the general sense of entitlement abusers have. They do what they want, when they want, how they want, and only when it benefits them. In the begining you will feel sorry for someone who just seems to have bad luck but after a while the chronic unreliability will become infuriating. Of course it will be your fault for being mad.

yep...that's him. this whole break period is b/c ----i'm selfish,mean,destructive,emotional,i wanna stab him in the back,etc----yet he still keeps chasing me.calling and texting like he's lost his mind!

 

6. YOUR FAVORITE POSSESSIONS ARE "ACCIDENTALLY" BROKEN, MISPLACED, or BORROWED AND NEVER RETURNED.

Targeting your possesions is another favorite tactic of abusers. Did he "accidentally" spill a bottle of red wine on your favorite dress? Did she use your computer once and doesn't understand how she managed to delete an important file? How can you be mad when it was an accident, really. They promise to replace the item if possible and don't.

he always wants to wash my car.in order to do so he has to drive it to work.he's even tried to do it since we broke up...is he crazy!i don't trust him anymore.he told me that one of his previous ex's blamed him b/c he'd left her truck unlocked and it got broken into and stripped down!mind you this was around their breakup time... after that does he really think i'm trusting him with my car.he always asks me if i checked my tires...hmmm.

 

7. NOTHING IS SACRED TO AN ABUSER, NOT EVEN YOUR PETS

Even abusers that have pets of their own that appear well cared for and taken care of doesn't mean your pets are safe. You're both cat lovers and owners? Just because he claims he loves cats doesn't mean he won't see your cat (or any other pet) as a threat to him and won't try to injure or harm them. The love and attention you give your pet is a threat to him because that is love and attention that should be going to them!

gave his dogs away shortly after we got together and kept trying to defend his reason for doing so.i kept thinking it was weird how he kept defending himself...i loved the dogs and would hug them every time i saw them. so instead he got some FISH and a TURTLE. i'm not about to try(really i couldn't) and hug no dag on turtle!...and a fish....well you figure that one out.

 

8. YOU HAVE BEEN DATING LESS THAN A YEAR AND THEY WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN OR THEY WANT YOU TO SPEND TIME WITH THEIR CHILDREN

Spending time with kids with someone you have known less than a year is to try to create feelings of a "family" When you try to leave you'll hear "What about the children? What are you/am I suppossed to say to the children?" The feeling of being a family will keep you tied by guilt/obligation. Worse, pedophiles are also known for targeting single parents who are masters at courting them to gain access to the children. Parents of both genders need to be very aware of this.

brought his son here one night when his baby's mother gave him to him and just closed to door in his face.he brought the son here alone with me while he went to the store.(no biggie) but they stayed here and didn't go to his own place when he used to live very close by...

Edited October 22, 2009 by muse08