Stunned and heartbroken....what went wrong??

[nat28]

i dont know exactly what to say but here goes.....

the "love of my life"(of two years) dumped me six days ago completely out of the blue (started off as a conversation about my birthday and snowballed) . prior to this we had been talking about building a home together and getting engaged this year. The day before he dumped me he still made a mention of something to do with our future house... so, yes i feel like he couldnt have hurt me more if he had shot me at point blank range.

 

 

He was amazingly affectionate, sensitive, caring, compatible, supportive, loving, smart and treated me like a princess all the time.....but then took it all away in one foul swoop and decided that he loved me lots but "didnt love me enough" to give me what i needed and that "i loved him more than he loved me", the initial rush had gone etc etc...also told me he didnt think he would ever get married or have kids and didnt care if he ever bought a house...geez

 

 

i was shocked - i thought we were on the same page - obviously not.....

 

 

i am very vocal about my feelings (i wear my heart on my sleeve - which can be good and bad) and even though he is a generally quiet person i would have never thought this was going through his mind.. as my dad has now said - "its not the dogs that bark you gotta be worried about - its the ones that dont..." - he obviiously had been telling me what i "wanted" to hear.

 

my friends are in shock too...they thought he adored the ground i walked on - they have been amazing..absolute lifesavers...never underestimate the power of platonic friends.....and family......

just weeks ago i asked him how he knew that i was the one for him and he said "i just know" and told me that i make him feel things he has never felt before and i make him want to do things he has never wanted to do before.."

 

i think im still in shock........im 28 - he is 31.

 

what the hell went wrong? what did i do? i gave 100% to this man.

 

thanks for letting me ramble out some of these feelings.......

xxxxxnat

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "what the hell went wrong? what did i do? i gave 100% to this man."

 

There is simply no way to speculate on what went wrong. However, based on what you have written, the number one reason men break off relationships when they are going the best is because of fear and committment phobia and I think that was the case here. The more you talked about marriage, settling down, home, etc., the more he got scared.

 

These phobics will engage in conversation about these things...even try to fool themselves and plan for all of it...but as the time nears to make a decision and committment, fear will overtake their soul and they will flee the scene rather than deal with it.

 

This fear takes many forms. Some simply fear being tied down forevermore to one person. Some fear the financial responsibilities. Some fear having another person engulf their entire being. Some fear the awesome responsiblities of having and raising children....and the list goes on.

 

Some of these people grow out of it and ultimately marry and make the best of it. Others get into serial relationships and take it as far as they can until the fear sets in.

 

That's my guess and it seems one of the few viable explanations. I may be wrong. But in any case, you have learned that he's not the right person for you...and it's a hell of a lot better learning now...than once you may have gotten married with a few kids.

 

It's hurtful enough breaking up with somebody after a relationship has started going into the dump....but it's totally bizarre to have somebody break up with you when things are going great. I think I would prefer the former. Your guy is just plain crazy and that's something you don't need in your life. Your pain will go away. His insanity probably won't.

[nat28]

Thanks Tony

 

Im guessing that is what his deal is - committment.

and yes, it would have made it easier if there was some "decay" apparent in the relationship. That is what is making it so hard to comprehend

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

 

xxxxnat28

[miss-gemeni]

I am so sorry to hear what u r going through, it's never easy

but i'll ty to give u the best advice i can... First of all who does

he think he is dropping a bomb on you like that?? Did he even

think about how harsh that would be? It also sounds to me like

he might be scared of his feelings for you. Whe he said those

hurtful things such as "I don't love u as much as u love me" it

sounds like he was trying to hurt u enough to make u mad, in

return he thought u would be easier for u to leave him if u were

mad. It's a horrible thing to do and there is noooo excuse for him to end things the way he did. Does he still call u??? does he still

try to spend time w/ you? If not this is harsh but could there be somebody else??? Again i'm sorry and if you ever need to talk about it feel free to contact me ok... Good Luck! and keep ur head up girl.

[nat28]

thanks for your reply.

Its been nearly four weeks and no, i havent heard anything from him.

i did send him a letter after about 5 days. Nothing aggressive about my letter. just my feelings. I dont know if he got it or not. I did not get a reply.

i dont think that i would have liked to read a reply letter from him anyway - it would not have been what i wanted to hear - and if he IS a commitment phobe then i doubt he would seriously write about it. He more likely thought of a couple of things about me that irritated him, blew them up in his head and used this as a reason to GET OUT of the relationship. ( i think i recall him saying that his feelings started changing only a few weeks before the breakup). He obviously is a emotional moron.

im hoping to get ANGRY with him soon. It would be much better than the loving feelings i have at the moment. I guess it will come in time.

But im being good to myself, eating properly, getting through the day, going out with friends. Sleeping is hard though.

 

Thanks again, i appreciate the replies.

 

xxxnat

[Ally Boo]

Well, at least he was honest and direct with you. You've gotta give him credit for that.

 

Now you can move on and find what it is that YOU want...and someone who shares YOUR goals, not goes along with them.

[loca]

Good luck to you and I think you will be mad at him with time when you realize how much time and effort you put into the relationship and for him to just end it like he did. It is like Tony said, at least you found out now BEFORE the marriage, house, and kids. Sometimes I feel "behind" because I have never been married (I am 27), but I look at my friends who have been married and are now divorced. Just hang in there, go out with your friends, go to the gym, write in a journal, do things that you never found time for before. Take care of you and now that you have put the ball in his court if he comes back then you can see if things can work out (now you may not trust him for fear of being hurt again). If he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be. Remember the quote "If you love something set it free, if it returns to you then it is yours to keep, if it doesn't then it never was." Good luck.

[2clueless]

Oh my - I know what you are going through !!

 

Me 27 ex-bf 32 we have been dating for about 4 years and living together for 1.

 

Anyway we never fight, get along great, my friends always say that he adores me and you can see the love etc etc.

 

Easter weekend he told a friend that I was the one and told him we were going to get married etc we also talked about engagement around my birthday in a few months or so and then 3 weeks ago he came up to my parents house for dinner, I was already there and call me inside and said to come talk to him outside.

 

Well that was it.. it was over he loved me and he is happy but just not sure if that is all it takes ..same as your ex he all of a sudden didn't know if he want's marriage, kids etc...

 

I have done alot of reading recently and bought a great book called "He's Scared She's Scared" it is all about the commitment phobic and it reallt helped me to understand a bit more. They have done what they referer to as the "Houdini Act" that once a realtionship is at it's best they all of a sudden disappear !! I haven't heard anything in three weeks form him and don't assume I willl any time soon, but this book may help you with finding some answers, I know my friends and family and I have been over everything a 100 times and no one could figure it out, so I went to books and this one definately helped.

 

It also has a section on getting over the commitment phobic as well, pretty helpful !!

 

Hope this helps !!!

2clueless

[Baubles]

wow, this sounds very familiar. For those that aren't already famaliar w/ my ex of 4 months- he broke up w/ me on valentine's day under the guise of me getting upset he hadnt said he loved me yet (when he was supposedly planning to that night...that I hurt him by blowing up, etc, etc...which is funny considering the week before he was comfortable telling me about the family heirloom engagement ring...and talking imaginary children, etc).

 

he called tonight, as he has for the past 5 days (we saw each other fri and sat) and in a strange twist, he now says we are taking things "slow" vs. of course, that dreadful "friends" description before...and that it's important for me not to pressure him (which of course I don't b/c I typically am out doing things and he's calling 3-5 times while I'm out not leaving messages). He called me last night trying to reach me and ultimately from a restaurant he wanted me to join him at, saying he had a perfect table right at the water- and it was very romantic....ummm..ok.

 

So...being an optimist of sorts now- perhaps it's easier for me to latch on to the fact he simply fears committment (why he's almost 36 and never married) vs. not having had true feelings for me, after all- he calls practically every day. Sure, maybe he's leaving options open, then again maybe he really is just very scared- if so, that's a lot of issues to overcome at 36.

 

Who knows...go on w/ life and see what happens...maybe in time he'll realize what he had- if not, then it wasn't meant to be I guess b/t the 2 of you.

 

what was the argument about- you mentioned a birthday?

[Just A Girl2]

He called me last night trying to reach me and ultimately from a restaurant he wanted me to join him at, saying he had a perfect table right at the water- and it was very romantic....ummm..ok

 

Okay, so let me guess. He called, and you went?

 

Color me silly but I think it's incredibly rude, tacky and presumptuous for him to have called you up 'last minute' like that (a guy couldn't BE more last minute), wanting you to join him for dinner......tempting (read: ?manipulating) you with this sh*t about the location of the table, bla bla bla. A DECENT, respectful guy makes plans with his gal, particularly for a romantic dinner, in ADVANCE, not at the table when he's 5 minute away from ordering. That strikes me as someone who knows you'll never say no to him....and he's got you by such a thread that he can arrogantly call you up at the very last minute and invite you out. If that ain't a real pr*ck, I don't know what is. Face it, Baubles, you're his puppet....and he knows it....and it likely boosts his ego enormously to know all he has to do is tell you to jump and you say "how high?"

[Baubles]

sorry i wasn't clear...I had been out and he called 5 times from 5 until 7 trying to reach me to join him and finally went alone (he was supposed to be on call that night, but ended up not being- why it was last minute). I didn't call him til 8- when he was finishing up at meal.

 

yeh, he might be controlling but not THAT rude

[Baubles]

we both work odd long hours and thurs. he called around 7:30 wanting me to meet him for dinner- I said I picked up food at the grocery store and was tired/it was late had to get up early...he then tried to sway me by saying if I went out it would be less work for me- that would be more relaxing! so yeh, I have learned to say no and not jump. He did seem surprised.