I'm so devastated

[heartsobroken]

To anyone who will listen, I am in so much pain right now.

 

In May 2008, I was deployed and met a man. I got pregnant, and since this guy was married I decided to have an abortion. I figured I'd never see him again. Well, we did see each other; he came back home and actually left his wife for me. He packed her and the kids up and sent them back to Texas. We were together and living in my apartment for 2 months, happy. Then he deployed in October 2008, we had some issues (mostly me being jealous of his wife and kids). We broke up, he brought his wife back. I was seriously depressed, so seriously depressed, for months. In January he came and found me, slept with me once, called a few times, gave me some hope...then nothing.

 

I was deploying in April and in late March, he found me again. Said he wanted to be together. Said he would wait and he loved me. He was having problems with his wife and she didn't compare to me. He told his wife he was getting a divorce, then sent her home. He told his family (huge extended family) that he was divorcing her for me. He lived at my apartment with me until I deployed and then after I was gone until August, and things were wonderful. We Skyped everyday and we were doing well. We planned to move to Austin so we were still close to his kids and away from his wife.

 

In August, he got out of the military and moved back to Texas. He wanted to be with his kids. I knew that by moving, he had just abandoned the world we shared...I freaked out, wouldn't let him take my stuff to Texas. Had him leave it at my mom's. Over the last 2 months, our relationship slowly deteriorated. I was worried about the wife situation, and he was changing his mind about leaving Houston. I brought him down to see me (I'm in South America) and he left on 2 September. That was the last time I got to see him.

 

Basically he tried to break it off with me twice, half-heartedly, in the last 3 weeks, but we couldn't stay away from each other. I ended up saying I would move to Houston with him and make a life there, even though in the past I always said no (because I didn't want a love triangle with his wife). I broke it off last Tuesday, almost out of the blue I guess it seemed to him...his wife had found pictures of us and they fought, then he was super nice to me for the next two days. This made me think he was upset about his safety net being mad at him, so I got mad and broke it off. Wrote him an email saying how much I loved him but I had to go. Took him off Skype and IM.

 

Well, I started freaking out and missing him. This guy is the love of my life. 6 days after dumping him, on Monday, I started sending texts at 2am. Then it escalated, and from 930 to 3pm, I called his phone every 10 minutes. I know, that's psycho. I wrote him a message saying as much, but I was desperate to talk to him. He didn't shut the phone off though, and he finally picked up.

 

He let me cry, and I asked him if I still had a chance. I asked several times, but he wouldn't answer at first. He said the third day after I left him was the worst day of his life. He said he'd wanted to write me an email telling me how much he loved me, but he hadn't. I started crying and asked why not and he said we were better off this way. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. I have a month of deployment left and then 3 months until I get out of the Army. I understand this, and we've been having problems...but I told him I was begging for another chance. I said if I don't have a chance, if you don't love me anymore, can you just tell me you want to be left alone and give me closure?

 

So he said "I want to be left alone...not really though." This was maddening. I'm here losing my mind, all my self control, and he wouldn't or couldn't tell me straight up. I guess he did, but it wasn't very decisive, you know? So I had this hope. He mentioned that he still loved me but he'd already told everyone we broke up (this big huge family he has who all knew he'd left his wife for me...embarrassing for him to have to tell them now we broke up). He asked if I could call him back tomorrow, I figured so he could think. I asked if he was going to pick up the phone, and he said yes. He said yes, we're cool right? And I said yes.

 

He had changed his phone number when I called last night.

 

So I know this story sounds really watered down and cheap, in writing. I know this guy loved me, I think we'd have made it if I hadn't deployed. Stupid circumstances...I don't know why I thought we'd make it but I did, and he did...we loved each other very much. Him changing his number...I've never, ever got hurt like this before. I guess he gave me his answer, but so messed up Why not just tell me when I was asking??? I wrote him an email saying that was cruel, I won't bother him again, and I love him.

 

Please, anyone who can help me cope with this, any insight...I would appreciate it. We were very much in love, I guess I ultimately ruined it by dumping him and waiting 6 days to come back I know he'll work things out with the wife now...and that's good for him. But I'm devastated. Absolutely devastated. I was going to spend my life with this man.