Just some guy sounding off about a lost love

[runthroughfire]

Just over two months ago I broke up with my partner, after three years - I left, by mutual consent. I continue to be in contact with her, it's all very respectul and caring, which is more than I can say for alot of the time we were together. But, in another sense, it's all so false. I look at her lovingly, all I can think about is how much I love her, how much I miss her. I try to make our time together as pleasant as possible, and try to subjugate my needs and desires and concentrate on demonstrating, in word and deed, love and care. She tells me she loves me, but that it'll be a long time before she opens her heart to anyone again, much less lives with anyone. She's made it clear that IF (and that's a very big IF) we do get back together it would be in a very long time from now. Not that long ago she seemed to be softening her stance, she said she now viewed it as a "time-out" rather than a break-up ("a few months", which would "fly by") But now she says she doesn't remember saying that - and it's true that whereas I never stop thinking about this break-up and how to repair and regain, she, by her own admission, has neither the time nor the inclination to be quite so reflective. She has a son from her previous marriage, with whom I had a very positive relationship for the first year or so (he has a number of issues with his own father (whom he dotes on, but who's a real let-down for him)) and she has said that she needs to protect him from further hurt - caused by being witness to and being caught in the middle of 'parental' rows and niggles - themselves caused by anger and frustration which I bitterly regret and which I have since expelled from my psyche. I don't know, but I feel she's hiding behind him. We talk about him endlessly, and seeks my advice - in some ways it's though we never broke up! She seems content to be 'alone', though she does say that it's hard for her, financially (and I continue to contribute, unlike her ex-husband) and emotionally - but she says that if we get back together, it'll have to be for the right reasons, i.e not because she's broke and alone. That's all fine, I understand, hard as it is to take.

 

Our meetings, of which there have been many, in a variety of forms, are in secret. She doesn't want her family (who feel let down by me) knowing that I'm seeing her, if "seeing" is the right word. Not sure if any of her friends are aware of us having anything other than a 'business-like' relationship. There have been times when we have been intimate, not sexually, but lovingly, and and comfortably. She's slowly getting on with her life, and I with mine, but we support each other, and she is in no doubt whatsoever that I love her, as I give her all the time, space and respect she deserves. She has work commitments, she's doing very well, which is great and, only yesterday we were talking about a holiday that she might go on with her sister and her family (minus me, of course) I try to be as supportive as I can be in everything, I want nothing but her happinness. But inside I'm becoming more and more desperate about losing her.

 

I know that our souring relationship towards it's final(?!) six months or so caused her son a lot of hurt. He's nearly twelve and, while in some ways very resilent and grown-up, he's actually quite immature - he now sleeps in his mother's bed and won't spend a night away from his Mum (she and I went out on a "date" to the cinema a few of nights ago, while he was sports training. He phoned his Mum on her cellphone, got no reply and got very upset that she was out - like she's not allowed a life :-) - she pretended she was at a girlfriend's house and didn't hear the phone) - not sure if he's thinks of himself as 'protecting' her, taking my place, or just very insecure. I feel the need to be able to have contact with him at some point, if only to prove to him that I love him and his mum, to prove that all that anger has gone, and to say sorry for hurting him. His mother says no, not for a while, she wants to get him back on an even keel. It's his birthday soon, It's Easter next week, then her birthday, then summer...It's all getting too much.

 

I love her, completely, and respect her views, and abide by her rules. Sometimes though I think I should just disappear. She says "if it was meant to be, then it will happen" I feel, though, that things don't happen unless we make them happen. So I walk this fine line between not pressurising, not extorting, and being sad and lonely, and trying to repair a broken love bond.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Sometimes though I think I should just disappear."

 

I thought that throughout your whole post and still do. You don't stand a chance in hell with this gal. She's trying to let you down easy...but you have to understand her son is number one, two , three, four and five in her life. You are hardly on the list.

 

If you still have your wits about you, back off like she really wants you to and go find you a gal who is ready for a relationship with a nice guy like you.

 

Love is such a terrible thing to waste on somebody who's not receptive on the same level you are.

 

So how long is it going to take you to get jerked around (in a nice way) before you get the drift? Go look for a woman who will put you number one in her life. You deserve to experience that, at least until the children come along.

[runthroughfire]

You seem to think that I want to replace her son in her affections. You seem to ignore the fact that we lived together for three years as a family, and though the family was somewhat dysfunctional for the last six months or so, I was, to all intents and purposes, a loving father to him. Her mother recognises that as well. I welcome your comments, though your thougts are not new to me - as you quoted me mentioning. But I don't see any evidence for your views, rather they seem to uncover some pent-up feelings of frustration and bitterness of your own.

 

There's the challenge, why do you think what you do? Support your argument, don't just rant cliches at me.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "There's the challenge, why do you think what you do? Support your argument, don't just rant cliches at me."

 

First, let's get it straight that I am under no obligation whatsoever to reply to any post here or to support my arguments...a simple "please" to do so would have made me feel better. But understanding your emotional posture at this time, I'll go ahead and do so anyway.

 

I will support my argument by using your words (the quotations are yours):

 

1. "I continue to be in contact with her, it's all very respectul and caring, which is more than I can say for alot of the time we were together."

 

When the two of you were together, the atmosphere was not very respectful or caring...that is what your statement above indicates. So why would she want to go back to that when she's getting along with you just fine under the current status?

 

2. "I try to make our time together as pleasant as possible, and try to subjugate my needs and desires and concentrate on demonstrating, in word and deed, love and care."

 

Compromising who you are and what you need is not intellectually honest and does not present an accurate view of yourself. Setting your own needs aside in the interest of being with somebody is extremely unhealthy. Fulfilling relationships are based on mutual satisfaction. I'm sure she's seeing this and for her to allow it to continue shows gross inconsideration on her part.

 

3. "She tells me she loves me, but that it'll be a long time before she opens her heart to anyone again, much less lives with anyone."

 

This indicates she is very hurt...so you must have done some things that really got to her. I'm sure she will forgive you but most women don't want to revisit a situation that was so difficult that had to leave it. Making the statement that it will be a long time before she opens her heart to anyone again indicates very deep hurt. And it doesn't appear she indicated you were in a future scenario since she stated "anyone" which is a pretty broad description.

 

4. "Not that long ago she seemed to be softening her stance, she said she now viewed it as a "time-out" rather than a break-up ("a few months", which would "fly by") But now she says she doesn't remember saying that - and it's true that whereas I never stop thinking about this break-up and how to repair and regain, she, by her own admission, has neither the time nor the inclination to be quite so reflective."

 

As time has passed, it seems she is developing a tougher stance. Evidentally she has done a lot of thinking and has come to the conclusion that things were worse, not better, than she had previously felt. Your statement indicates she is not willing to expend the energy into healing this relationship but is rather trying to get over it. She does not make overtures to you about repairing or healing the relationship. She is not in the same headspace you are in...nowhere near if your words are accurate.

 

5. "...she has said that she needs to protect him from further hurt - caused by being witness to and being caught in the middle of 'parental' rows and niggles - themselves caused by anger and frustration which I bitterly regret and which I have since expelled from my psyche."

 

This child will always be number one in her life, far in front of you or any other man. She will seek to find the absolute best family environment for that child. Your statement indicates that you contributed to the child's instability and that is not something she will stand for ever again.

 

6. "We talk about him endlessly, and seeks my advice - in some ways it's though we never broke up!"

 

In some ways, this may be a good thing...her way of seeing if you have softened. But it seems more to me that she's trying to settle things in her mind...she discusses this with you because you are there. I'd have to talk to her to see what's in her head.

 

7. "She seems content to be 'alone', though she does say that it's hard for her, financially (and I continue to contribute, unlike her ex-husband) and emotionally - but she says that if we get back together, it'll have to be for the right reasons, i.e not because she's broke and alone."

 

This is usually a woman's way of blowing somebody off. If the right reasons don't exist by now, how will they appear out of the blue? If she's waiting for you to make some major changes, she also will be very concerned that such changes may not be permanent. She sounds like she's been through a lot and she just doesn't want to go through it anymore.

 

8. "Our meetings, of which there have been many, in a variety of forms, are in secret. She doesn't want her family (who feel let down by me) knowing that I'm seeing her, if "seeing" is the right word."

If her family is against her "seeing" you or being friends with you, this puts an extra burden on any future reconciliation. Blood is thicker than water and her family has far more influence on her than you do. I'm not saying you can't win here but you're going to have to go through a baptism of fire.

 

On the face of it, secret meetings are not the stuff of a good relationship.

 

9. "But inside I'm becoming more and more desperate about losing her."

 

Your own subconcious mind is giving you the message that the odds are not good here. You need to listen to that voice. So far, I think that she really wants you as a friend and is sufficiently happy with that level of relating to you at this time.

 

I urge you not to get desperate. She will sense that and it will drive her farther away. To the extent that you can leave her to her own devices and find other things to do and other people to see, the chances of a reconciliation will increase.

 

10. "I know that our souring relationship towards it's final(?!) six months or so caused her son a lot of hurt."

 

What is going on with her son is of greatest concern to her. Instinctively, she will give up any man in favor of making her son's life comfortable. If you did things to make her boy's life unstable or chaotic, it will take a very major effort on your part for her to ever allow you in his life again in any meaningful way.

 

11. "I feel the need to be able to have contact with him at some point, if only to prove to him that I love him and his mum, to prove that all that anger has gone, and to say sorry for hurting him. His mother says no, not for a while, she wants to get him back on an even keel."

 

This is an indication that she feels very strongly about the issue of the effects of your behavior on her son. I do agree that if you could talk to him, apologize, and move in a positive direction that would be a good thing. But a certain amount of time has to pass and healing has to take place before that can happen. The fact that she doesn't want you to be around him is a very strong indication that he is at the root of her reluctance to get back with you anytime soon...if ever.

 

12. "She says "if it was meant to be, then it will happen" I feel, though, that things don't happen unless we make them happen."

 

You are correct...but the key word is "we." You are wanting to make things happen, BUT her burner is on simmer and will be there for quite a while. I'm sure she feels a love for you but her love for you is conditional...her love for her son is unconditional and you will never, ever be able to compete with that.

 

If you really and truly love her, you should back off and explore other more productive avenues of romance, taking with you the lessons you have learned here....and let her get her life back together. It will be a long time before her son is of the age that he will trust you again....or men her mother brings into her life in general. Here, the kid is the key.

 

This woman may love you, but not nearly enough to surmount the obstacles that have been dropped between the two of you.

 

Now, I don't blame you for not liking what I write. That's OK. I don't BS people.

 

There may be others who will come here and give you lots of encouragment. I'm sorry I can't. I've been where you are, I've made mistakes I couldn't take back, I've screwed up worse than most people. I know what you're going through...I've been there more than a couple of times. It's hell. I only wish I had had somebody like me to take the time to write and tell me the honest truth and not screw me around.

 

I wish you the very best of luck in whatever happens! Meantime, if you feel you need counselling for anger or temper problems, get help. Until you get that resolved, your chances in relationships with other than highly dysfunctional women may be very bad if you do have an underlying anger problem.

[runthroughfire]

There's a lot to what you say, my provocation worked...thanks