Never ending break-up...PLEASE ADVISE.

[dave_1966]

You may have read this on another forum, but this site has been excellent reading matter for me to come to terms with what I've been through over the last 3 or so months. This is a bit long-winded, but I'd appreciate any advice. Until just before Christmas I was conducting a long distance relationship with a young woman from my home town, but she was studying miles up north. I'm 34, she's 22 but I didn't feel the age gap that much on account I'm still into all the same things that I was in to when I was 22 (music, going out to bars, etc). Plus, I look very young for my age anyway. We were getting along fine for the previous 3 years, alternating at staying at each other places at weekends. Last summer she stayed at my place, we went on holiday and had a lovely time. I'm self employed and work in a very competitive industry tied very closely to the economy, and with all the bad stuff happening at the time in the world I found myself in a position where I wasn't as busy as much as I'd like to be and I was concerned that companies that owed me money might go under without paying me, etc. So, I was naturally stressed, which led me to being somewhat distracted from keeping the relationship, shall we say, healthy.....

 

I was thinking really long term with this girl, despite her age, and planned to trade my flat for a nice house upon her leaving Uni, where we could both live happily ever after. I had always been faithful to her and loved her immensely, despite her mother having a problem with the age gap and making it painfully clear.

 

So imagine my surprise when just before Christmas she calls me and says we're not an item anymore. It felt like being hit with a sledgehammer in the stomach. I instantly thought no new year together, no more holidays together, no future together. I'd lost my lover and best friend, and my world had caved in. I ended up at the doctors, and was in a bad way. One of my pals was going abroad on business, and he suggested I go along with him to help get myself together. At the airport my "gf"calls to say that it's only a temporary break, and that it's only for a couple of months so she can get her work done,blah blah blah. Being a mature guy, I did not believe this bs for a minute and drove miles up north the following weekend to collect my stuff from her place. I was prepared to leave it at that.

 

After new year I did not call her so not to distract her from her finals, and to get myself in shape. However, I was treated to a barrage of calls from her blaming me for the situation. It struck me that when she missed things about us, I had to prop her up but I got nothing in return. In fact on one occassion when I called her I was told that I was "making it difficult for myself". I told her to stop calling me, as it was doing nobody any favours and she continued to call at all hours repeatedly.

 

Then, a month or so ago (mid feb), the calls died down to a trickle and I sensed relief at last. My heartbreak was over the worst, and life could move on again. Unfortuneatly, a week or so later in a moment of weakness I sent her a letter explaining why I missed her, and wishing her the best for her future. She called me back, to say that she missed me too. I asked her if there was anybody else in her life, and she said not really, just a guy she'd had a few drinks with (mmm...). Having had the time to calm down, I suggested we meet up at the weekend face to face to see if we still had feelings for each other. I did this on the basis that my time with her had been the happiest of my life and the meeting would finalize things one way or another. She agreed to meet, but then a couple of days later decided against it saying that she had other plans to go out with the girls that night. I told her that answered everything I needed to know, end of story, no tears, etc. She then calls the next day to ask what time I'm coming up!

 

I said that I wouldn't be. The following Monday I get a call off her, she's in tears apologising for everything. I call her back that evening and she's not around, and she eventually calls 3 days later.

 

Now, this is the point of all this, we ended 3 months ago and tonight she's called me AGAIN to tell me she loves me and is missing me, but in the same breath she tells me that she's been sleeping for a month with a builder that she met in the bar where she works. She hasn't any feelings for him and keeps thinking of me all the time but doesn't know if it could ever work out between us again. I thought that this put the question of me seeing her a couple of weeks ago in to context, that she was busy having casual sex with a guy she'd met at the bar. It hurt me to think of her being with this guy after a relatively short ammount of time.I commented that it would take me more than a couple of months for me to be ready to sleep with someone again after being in a committed relationship for three years, before telling her to stop calling me for good. Do i have the right to be upset when she slept with this guy after she'd finished with me, and was I right to tell her to stop calling me for good?

 

Any advice appreciated, it's difficult being strong sometimes.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Do i have the right to be upset when she slept with this guy after she'd finished with me, and was I right to tell her to stop calling me for good?"

 

You have a right to be upset but she has a right to sleep with anybody she wants to if she isn't officially seeing you. She has no obligation to cork herself up while you are trying to dump her. She's 22, for Pete's sake, young and obviously unstable, vulnerable, adventurous, etc. Often people who are hurting go out and get laid simply as a device for lessening the pain they feel.

 

My personally recommendation to you is that you go out of your way to NOT upset yourself about anything in the world. It's just not being nice to yourself.

 

You were right to tell her to stop calling you for good. She is obviously very influenced by her mother and there's simply no way you'll ever compete with that. If her mother is against the relationship, while that may work in your favor in the short term with a gal her age...ultimately it will cause your relationship with her to fail as it seems it already has.

 

Trying to get back with this lady is only going to prolong your agony.

 

I will tell you that the age difference may have something to do with it in your particular case but there are many men in their mid 30's who are now or who have dated ladies 22 years old very successfully, marriage, had children and were very happy. You found the wrong one. You need to be extremely careful when dating females considerably younger than you....particularly under age 25....because the chances are greater they will be influenced by friends and family where the age thing is concerned.

 

You are both carrying on very immaturely here. For closure, you might want to have one more talk with her, in person, eye to eye, and be very firm in letting her know that while you love and care for her, you must part under the overwhelming odds against the two of you remaining together.

 

Maybe somewhere down the road, things might work out for the two of you but don't count on it. Learn your lessons and move on. Cut off contact entirely.

[dave_1966]

You said, quote.....

 

'She has no obligation to cork herself up while you are trying to dump her. She's 22, for Pete's sake, young and obviously unstable, vulnerable, adventurous, etc.'

 

Tony, you speak a lot of sense, but can I correct you on one point. I did not dump her, she dumped me, in a very brutal fashion prior to Christmas. I ceased to call her AT ALL after new year, in order to not distract her from studies and get on with things. She, on the other hand, has continually called, often up to 25 times a day until I take the call out of frustration. She also phones disguising her number, so I have to pick up the phone in case it's a work call (I'm self employed). These calls have all been along the lines of I love you, and we're just having a break, etc, etc, etc. None of which I took seriously or literally. I've been getting over things fine until she called the other day to ask if I was coming to see her this weekend (which I was not, and had not even said I would be doing). I was told not to visit (????) and it was then that I was told about the other guy and all the stuff like " I've been sleeping with this guy, but I have no feelings for him and I keep thinking of you, but we could never work out" in which case, why does she need to phone me with this crap? I find it's like perpetually opening an old wound.

 

Anyway, I called her brother and asked him to have a word with her about the calls, as she's gone from really hurting me to constituting a nuisance. I've had to warn her not to call as I'm not accepting calls from her anymore, and if they continue I'll call the police to have her cautioned.

 

She dumped me Tony, and then tried to keep me on a string in case plan B failed. And I'm very hurt by it.....

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I did not dump her, she dumped me, in a very brutal fashion prior to Christmas."

 

Yes, I understood that totally...and sorry. What I meant was that you were trying to get over her and the two of you were broken up.

 

This girl is obviously emotionally immature and very crazy. You don't need to have anything to do with her and you will see that clearly in the future when you're far enough away from that.

 

Even though she rejected you, she can't handle rejection herself so when you don't take her calls and generally ignore her it drives her nuts. But that doesn't consitute love or genuine affection, it's just a human nature thing and nothing more.

 

Again, this is not a female who is stabel or one you want to have in your life at this time. Give her some years to grow up...if that will ever happen.

 

Sorry for the misuse of words...clearly my fault.

[Pookette]

Dave:

 

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with this girl. I myself know girls like this. You are doing the right thing here. Tony is absolutely correct in stating she is emotionally immature and instable. I know it's hard to go through this, but you are taking the mature, level-headed route through her twisted games.

 

I can relate to her, however. I am 22 and my husband is 33. I KNOW that sometimes I can be/act very immature. Perhaps I can throw some perspective on her way of thinking, if it would help.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by my husband. He has so much more experience than I do. He's "been there, done that". He is a very intellectual, deep thinking guy. Sometimes I feel I have a hard time keeping up with him, although I'm no slouch in that department, by any means. There are other things too, but they are trivial.

 

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not defending her actions. She is dead wrong. But I hope maybe I could shed a little light on the mind processes of a 22 year old female dating an older guy. I hope I was able to help you at least a little bit.

 

Best wishes.

[dave_1966]

Thanks for the advice guys. I never thought it possible to hurt as much as I've hurt over the last few months, that last call about the other guy was a killer. She tried to call a few times afterwards for a couple of days, and I wouldn't take the call. This behaviour is just disruptive to my life and affects my work and everything. I worry that if I meet a nice new girl and bring her back to my apartment that the calls will also scare any new girl off. I finally got a sms off my ex pleading with me to "spare her 5 minutes of my time and talk to her". She's had 3 or 4 months to plead with me, so I replied with a message that said that I've got nothing to say to her and that if her calls persisted I would go to the police to have her cautioned. I figured that she was pleading for me to not tell her brother anything, for fear of her screwing this builder getting back to her nice middle class folks, who would be mad at her doing all this during her finals. I've already told her brother everything. Anyway, I have no intention of contacting her at all, and she hasn't been trying to ring now for 4 or so days. Funny thing is though is that I feel I've dealt with this correctly, but that if she calls me at a moment of weakness I'll take the call and be back to square one again. I sometimes feel that if she wanted to get back with me, what would she have to do to make it acceptible? (if indeed her behaviour is ever forgivable). It's just funny how your mind works at times like these......

[quankanne]

is there any way you can change your phone number and not give out the new one to her? That could stop a lot of her calls ...

 

basically you're going to have to come down hard on her and tell her to leave you the hell alone, otherwise, she is going to get it in her head that this behavior is okay even after you called off the relationship.

 

as for finding a new love interest ... well, if you explain to her that your psycho ex-girlfriend won't leave you alone, she'll probably commiserate, and figure out a way to help you get rid of that pesky critter.

[dave_1966]

Quankanne, I can't change my number as i'm self-employed and have spent the last 10 years giving it out to people, my phone number is my income. She called Wednesday PM, disguising her number (she's obviously figured I invested in a really good caller ID display). I thought it was a work call, but heard her saying "Dave, don't put the phone down I really need to talk to you...." I didn't have the strengh to put the phone down, which I find a real weakness on my behalf. She was crying and saying how much she loves me, that the way she's treated me has been awful, and that she regrets everything and how can we ever return to what we had. I listened with interest, as it was the first time I've heard her actually apologise. I told her to return to what we had before Xmas would take such a massive effort from her behalf that I didn't think it possible, and ALL the effort would have to come from her (don't worry, I'm not expecting her to). I told her that I was also actively looking to date other women, as I'm beginning to make myself quite busy socially. This seemed to really anger her, to which I said she had no right to be in light of the builder she met. I also accused her of calling to make herself feel better, and not me. Her moods swing from call to call, and if she calls again I'll listen to her for 2 minutes max. If I don't like the tone of it, I'll hang up and never listen to her again (honest Tony). At least she seems to regret it though.....

[susan]

It sounds to me like maybe you should give this girl a chance to express herself without her feeling pressured you give her a 2 minute limit on a conversation.

It takes a lot of talking, understanding and forgiving to be able to start something again, not just a short telephone call. Chances are when you do, she can finally have some closure and will move along just fine. If you for some reason do not want to give that to her, maybe ask yourself why,

maybe you like to have her "tag" along too, for your own sake of not letting go of her.

Kat

[dave_1966]

Susan, you sound very forgiving. I'm still feeling quite cut up from what this girl did to me before Xmas. Her incessant calls have been all about making herself feel better, and not making things up with me. Her call of a few weeks ago to tell me she'd been sleeping with someone else, but that she regretted the way she'd treated me cut me up again for a second time. When she asked what would it take to get things back the way they were I told her that it would take such a vast effort from her side that I didn't think she was capable of it. However, her admission of seeing someone else explains what she was actually up to when she dumped me. The way I see it now is that I don't want to pick the relationship up again on the basis that I'm a safety net for her when she has second thoughts about the guy she's with/been with. When you say I should give her closure, I gave her the opportunity to meet up for a final time to see what happens, she declined the offer. Of course, I did not know about her builder friend at this point. So really, in the light of everything that's happened, I don't give a damn about giving her closure. And it's not about me wanting to tag her along, I have absolutely let go of her. I am moving on. I'm a nice guy who treated her like a princess, if she'd stayed with me she would have been my equal in a relationship based on love and trust. She decided to go out 'partying' with her new friends, who in my opinion were trash, and she can now pay the price and regret it. I feel to go back with someone like that would mean to perpetually worry about what they were up to when they stayed out at night, etc, and I don't really want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life. I still yearn for her a lot of the time, but I'm yearning for the girl she was before she pulled this stunt. Maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future when I've completely healed she'll call and I'll take a different view of it. But I don't count on it.

[dave_1966]

Well, the saga continues.....I'm at work yesterday and I get a call from her about some re-directed mail, and i ask her if that's the actual reason she's calling. She says no, and asks if we can be friends. I tell her that it's not the most convenient time to talk, and that in the light of everything that's happened it would be very difficult to be friends. Later I'm in a bar watching the barmaids being chatted up by some builders, and decide to send my ex a message describing what I'm watching, and adding that friendship is not possible. It still hurts me after several weeks. She replied with 'fine...I'm sorry' and I thought it best left at that. But literally, 5 mins ago, I get another message saying 'that was a pathetic text message off you yesterday". I don't understand what she's playing at, anybody got any ideas and how I should react? This is driving me mad, I loved that girl to bits but she put me through absolute hell. I would love to know if it's possible to get back to how we were, but I keep thinking of her with this other guy grunting away on top of her....and it's awful. Where before I trusted her entirely, I now doubt if I could ever trust her again....anybody got some informed advice? Come on Tony....

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

Later I'm in a bar watching the barmaids being chatted up by some builders, and decide to send my ex a message describing what I'm watching, and adding that friendship is not possible

 

Okay, up until this point, I thought you were handling yourself very well. But why on earth would you have initiated this contact with her (above)?? Not really a swift thing to do, in light of the fact that a lot of your posts talk about how you're tired of her incessant phone calls/going so far as to informing her that if it keeps up you'll contact the police.

 

She sounds like a childish little cow. Out of respect to you, she had no business telling you that she's bonking the builder, that's just tacky and insensitive. And much more than you needed to know.

 

Someone suggested you might owe her the chance to get things off her chest, so that she can have closure. I say screw that. Like you say, the only reason she contacts you is to make herself feel better (how selfish)...and for you, all it does is open this recent "wound" and set you back emotionally.

 

I'm not sure what country you live in, but here in Canada, if you call up the phone company, there's a special "feature" you can have added to your phone line, whereby you can program your line to "refuse" calls from a certain number....and if that person you have 'blocked' does call, they simply get a recorded message telling them that the person they're trying to call is not taking calls at this time. I had to resort to this years ago when my abusive hubby (who I had left) would not quit phoning me/playing lots of headgames. I had his phone and every payphone in town blocked (he'd go from payphone to payphone)...luckily it was a small town with not many payphones lol

 

If she calls again and manages to get through, you need to find the strength to simply hang up. Don't bother giving her even 5 seconds of your time, cuz you know where it goes (nowhere). She made her bed, now she has to lie in it. You should not be accepting any communication from her, whether it be sms, email, smoke signals, etc etc. Don't return any communication from her, either. She made her choice, and cruelly dumped you before xmas.....and now she has to buck up and deal with it.

 

I wish you well.