Should I meet ex after break-up?

[Baubles]

My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me on Valentine's Day. It was partly my fault. He is 35; I'm 30. The week prior we had seen each other 5x that week and he commented how well things were going b/t us- that we were closer than ever. We had planned a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day and would exchange gifts then. I told my boyfriend early on in the relationship I loved him @3 months (it was too soon I know- but I later deeply felt it). I was often saddened I never heard it back. A day never went by he didn't call and we never went to bed angry. We had some arguments- maybe once a month that I did prompt b/c of my insecurities about the relationship- the "LOVE" word- in hindsight it was foolish and I did have a tendacy to take some things said too personally and overreact, but I had greatly improved on this- he acknowledged.

 

On Valentine's everything on the net and radio was talking of the holiday for couples in "love" and I got sad- my boyfriend wrote me an e-mail that day saying he liked me a lot...and i called and left a message on his cell saying i was sad b/c valentine's is for people in love and he just reminded me he didn't feel that way- that i'm ok w/ waiting (he had told me it typically takes him 8-12 months) but sad and i didn't want to bring him down that night, but i wasn't a date breaker and it was his decision. An hour later I realized my error and left a message apologizing saying i was being silly earlier and that i couldn't wait to see him, that I remembered how wonderful he was and how luck i was.....well, the 2nd message made no difference once he heard the first message- he broke up w/ me. He says I hurt him too much and he cannot forsee marrying someone who can be unstable and hurt him w/ words even though it's unintentional. He claims he was going to tell me that night that he loved me- that he was waiting for the right moment (true or not- I don't know) and my message crushed him. We spent 2 hours that night talking on the phone and 3 hours the next day mainly of me crying and insisting i had revelations about my behavior and could change, he said that may be true but he didn't think he had it in him to be hurt more. When pressed he said there was a very small slight chance that if he had some space for the week his wounds might heal and he'd feel differently...this was on sat...i gave in on tues...the pain was too much and called. He said it was a permanent break-up when pressed..that he didn't like the way he was feeling - poorly and bummed out. He said he thought of me every waking moment and missed me. I said I missed him too and part of it was we were such a large part of each other's lives- he agreed. I suggested we get togther 1x a week for dinner w/ no contact in b/t - I wanted a trial seperation- he agreed to see me next week- I asked if I'd get a kiss, he said no but a really big hug...He said if he saw me and it was too painful for him that that would be it and that if we did get together during weeks that follow that either of us could take a break from it for any reason. I said of course, b/c if he started dating someone then it wouldn't be right for me to see him - he said that it would be a long time before he felt up to that. When I suggested getting together, I was thinking to all the wonderful times we've had together (I've had a fear of driving my whole life and he's been teaching me to drive- to have that kind of trust in someone...) we've been inseperable. He'll be at a restaurant during lunch at work and call me just to chat while his meal is being cooked... anyway, then i started thinking this would give him an opportunity to see that i can and have made changes and can be more even -tempered (there are never shouting matches, rather I get sad or insecure about the relationship and get moody) and that he might realize what a mistake he made. Or seeing me would keep me in his life and maybe not make him as vulnerable in looking for other women. Ex promised to get together next week but wouldn't set time (although he has never broken a promise) and said we'd talk Tues. first- that he would call by 9 so i wouldn't worry, as long as i gave him space til then, no calls, e-mails. I agreed.

 

The next day I set up an appointment w/ a therapist, but do not go in until Wednesday. I would like to control my emotions a little more and not be moody over petty things. But then...I started thinking- he feels he was 100% right in everything in the relationship and that's not possible...he laid this huge grief thing on me when I called- that he is in so much pain and I'm perplexed a little when I am suffering the way I am...that I haven't been that bad of a girlfriend or that unstable- I've never cheated, hung up on him, broken up or threatened to break up, actually cancelled a date, etc...whereas he has dominated a lot of my time..some nights i just wanted a night alone to catch up on work, laundry etc and it would get very offended.

 

Where this leaves me now- it has been amicable surprisingly (considering I'm supposed to be the unstable one)...I did some crying but didn't call him names or make it ugly...I don't feel it in me to hurt him...and I think at this point i accept it is permanent as it has been a week. He has spoken to a mutual friend at length about this and he says my ex is "conflicted about his feelings"- I asked if he agreed to see me out of guilt or he missed me- he said probably both.

 

I am feeling a little resentment now for him hurting me this way that he can go this long w/out calling (although i called tues) and w/out seeing me and for breaking up w/ me on valentine's day of all days...and for if he was going to tell me he loved me why not just call me back and ease my fears and be happy. One thing perplexed me also after break-up he said i had been withholding feelings from him that i hadn't said i loved him since jan. 1 and I wasn't being honest. Yes, I had stopped saying it b/c 1) it was painful not to hear it back and made me vulnerable and 2) I felt like I was pressuring him...is he just insecure or was I wrong to withhold even though my actions were very loving and he insists actions speak louder than words.

 

My question - do i pick up the phone when he calls? Or do I avoid the agony and let him know he hurt me and he's out of my life by not picking up. do I answer and meet with him this week? I'm sure it may help him feel better but will it help me? Or help towards a reonciliation? I accept it won't be this month. I am torn b/t thinking maybe he is torn and seeing me might make him loose the feelings for the breakup and knowing he is 35 and must be secure in his decision not to have reversed it by now. We both have never been married, he sadly has been my most serious relationship- he's had (2) 3yr realtionships years ago, both involved reuniting- 1 after 6 weeks.

 

What do I do- I am finally coping w/ the pain and forcing myself to see things about him that weren't that great just to deal w/ the break-up BUT if there is the slightest hope of a reconciliation in the future if we work out our probs- I don't want to destroy that-

but I'm tired of hearing of his pain in this- I have hurt deeply- 2 wks ago I thought I could spend the rest of my life w/ him.

 

What should I do?

[Tony T]

You just don't get it, do you?

 

Not only does this guy not love you, but he has the mentality of a young child and he doesn't want you in his life.

 

YOU WROTE: "He claims he was going to tell me that night that he loved me- that he was waiting for the right moment (true or not- I don't know) and my message crushed him."

 

Reading the above made me throw up my dinner. He is so full of hogwash it's pathetic. He is the sorriest excuse for an organism I have ever come in contact with in all my days on the planet.

 

His inability to communicate his love to you, forgive you (if that was actually necessary) and work things out rather than act like a two-year-old is clear evidence this guy is not ready to get out of diapers much less engage in an adult relationship.

 

Don't you see what he did??? He threw the whole thing back in your face by telling you he had intentions of telling you he loved you. Gimmee a break!!! If he was in love with you he would have forgiven you in a heartbeat. He is a rotten, no good, worthless scumbag of the highest order.

 

If you have one more ounce of contact with this low class worm you deserve every bit of pain you get. Just reading your post, my blood started to boil. I don't think I've heard of a more manipulating baxtard in all my life.

 

And he puts all this on YOU....what a piece of txrd!!! You don't need this.

 

Keep your appointment with the counsellor and find out why you would want such a slice of worthless trash in your life.

 

Never, ever contact this guy again. He is trouble with hair on it. He is not worth the bandwidth it took to publish this reply on the Internet. He isn't worth flushing down the toilet...the sewage treatment plant would reject him!!!

 

I hope you got my message.

[Baubles]

Thanks Tony...I was fooled..he said actions speak louder than words- he was always there for me...but I was fooled. Thanks!

[Tony T]

We all get fooled sometimes. I'm sorry this happened to you. There are so many more honest ways he could have let you down easy. But being the sleeze he is, he able to fool you for a long time...and then able to play with your head on the way out.

 

What a rotten basta....oh, nevermind. He isn't worth it!

[flowers]

hi

sorry to tell you. but, this guy was looking for an easy way out....maybe because his feelings were not as strong as yours....

And, it may have scared him with you message

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG....you communicated with him and told him how you felt. If he can't deal with it...then he doesn't deserve someone like you to love him

don't talk to him for a while. see what happens.

[Baubles]

Thanks flowers. Right now I am in a state of confusion- I go from feelings of resentment to remembering just how good he was to me- at least the intense grief seems to be lifting- which is good!!!. I was reading my diary and perhaps I did contribute more to the relationship's demise than I blamed myself for. Mid december I was feeling pressure from my boyfriend to spend more time w/ him on weekends and I was busy w/ a project at work- I had left a message telling him that we needed to take a break- I needed to concentrate on work and that I would call him the following week. He took this to mean a blow-off, I meant a true 3 day break of just not seeing each other- a misunderstanding of sorts. I called him that night and he was upset...next day he called and we made-up....but I should not have done what I did. Yes, he did require alot of time, but I should have handled it differently, saying I'd call him on Monday and that all was fine. November I had been hurt by something he said (I misconstrued the intent) and did say something hurtful back which I regret- so I have been a bit of a pill in the months following the break-up.

 

I think he did care for me, his actions showed it- to my family our friends (although not the break-up!), and a mutual friend he has been talking to thinks he did love me even if he though he didn't tell me (he's recently spoken to him)- and that he believes Aaron equates saying love w/ close to wanting to propose. Again, he won't reveal his conversation of course as he is b/t the 2 of us- I take it w/ a grain of salt.

 

BUT you're right his feelings couldn't have been as strong as mine and I knew that all along and that reinforced my own insecurity- I think he was way more cautious than I as he is looking for the marriage partner now- I saw him as that but couldn't see really thinking about whether he is for at least 6 more months. He may have been taking the easy way out as I had been pressuring him, I had relented in the past 2 months but still....I have learned complaining about a guy not loving you yet gets you NOWHERE!!! Maybe the message reminded him again about pressuring him or did hurt him or gave him the excuse...it's just so strange. I felt I deserved a gradual break-up...not him spending more and more time w/ me - his e-mail to me the day before he wrote that he was missing me and signed it "wuvy-duvy" Aaron. I just missed signs...or his feelings weren't deep enough to overcome the message. As I have had a poor history in relationships and the only men to tell me they loved me were when I was younger and w/in 2 months. What is typical for men? I know now not to push. My diary reads on and on about my hurt and insecurity that he hadn't said he loved me yet- but his actions seemed to suggest it....I may have had a bigger part in the demise than I acknowledged in my first message or his feelings weren't there and the pressuring gave him an excuse to quit.

 

I do have a new problem or situation. I am an architect and I designed one of the newest medical offices for his group- this is how we met. My client, which is the group's administrator is married and works w/ Aaron (who is one of the doctors). My client and Aaron are good friends outside of work. Aaron moved to the country 3 years ago from Canada so most of his friends have developed from work- all the partners are married except him and are much older, so are male staff- so he has been closest to my client who is also 35. I knew the client earlier b/c I had done another project w/ him- he introduced Aaron and I in hopes of a spark. Now...Aaron is typically private and avoids telling my client too much- but the client, Jerry, tells me he has been talking to him as much as I. Jerry has only really heard one side, Aaron's, the unstable side and I had been hesitant to divulge too much about Aaron as they do work together- I always am sure to say that I think he's a great guy and any issues are only relationship issues. I did clarify some of this w/ Jerry on Friday at a meeting (I am working on a new project w/ him) and he feels also Aaron must have some relationship issues along w/ both of us needing work on "conflict resolution." I agree. I hope at times he's a crystal ball but whatever he knows he's not telling- other than to say Aaron is licking his wounds and is "conflicted" and he did say he would see me this week. My prob is I'm not liking the idea of being seen as "unstable" by a client yet I'm hesitant to air all dirty laundry w/ my ex to a man who is an administrator over the doctors. We have also double-dated w/ Jerry and his wife and I have spent time at his house. I like him very much and am sad I will not be seeing him out of work as I am no longer Aaron's gfriend. I've probably have crossed some boundaries already...told too much...but I was annoyed Aaron was talking so much in a way knowing I have some business w/ Jerry that I thought I'd give some of my side too, and he approached me as a friend. I'm cutting off discussing it w/ Jerry now b/c whatever he knows he cannot tell and it's over- it's been a week of a break-up. BUT, Aaron still is calling on tuesday and he did express to Jerry he wanted to see me. In addition to the work I am doing now, w/in 9 months I will be working on an addition to a facility in which Aaron is still a partner in the group...I don't want to do anything to hurt me professionally (talking to the client/friend wasn't the best idea...but Aaron had been doing it).

 

I have wicked fantasies of when he sees me next week telling him he's needy and controlling or forwarding him this link....but I won't. He won't get it and it'll only anger him. Plus, I do have feelings for him and I don't think any point would be served in pointing out his weaknesses to him like that. I think at this point I am emotionally strong enough, or will be by mid week, to be able to handle seeing him. I don't want to appear spiteful and immature in front of the client, b/c Aaron is apparently leaning on him in this time of need (I am still amazed by this as Aaron typically does not air any dirty laundry or ask for love advice fro someone in the group- what does HE have to be conflicted on?!?!?). I am at odds on what to do- I also should offend not Aaron too much as w/in 9 months I will be in contact w/ him through work. i'm wondering if it would be ok to take his call, act normal, see him for dinner if he mentions it, and be friendly. As it is most likely out of guilt, it won't come up again and that's that. I have to admit, part of me want to look at him w/ my new impression of him and see what I missed, etc. I think I am past the pain enough to do that.

 

It would be healthiest to not have contact again, but I cannot burn bridges here- I do have contact w/ his friend/client and will have to come in slight contact w/ him 9 months down (by then I'll be over him, but it would be unpleasant for him to hold a grudge). And...sad as it is...I do have a little tiny hope that as time goes on w/out contact form me he'll realize what he had and find his way back and then I can address what we need to work on. I recognize this is most likely an improbability- but him asking Jerry for advice after the break-up...it makes me think he wasn't 100% sure in his decision, but it's over- we are broken up.

 

But he will be calling Tues. Would it set me back too much to see him for dinner and not mention break-up? Since I had asked for the dinner- if he mentions it I'm worried I might appear immature and "unstable" to say now I don't want to. And why in the h*ll did he agree to see me???

 

oh, another weird thing (or mind games)2 weeks before valentine's day we were at the grocery store and candy rings were at the counter- he threw one in the cart and said i needed one... when i didn't eat it he told me to give it to him so he could put it on my finger- it felt weird so i told him no- but he imitated putting it on my ring and said "w/ this ring I wed thee"- it was all good-natured of course, he later described it during the break-up conversation as he was being "whimsical." He then mentioned his family has an heirloom engagement ring and described the ring and that if we were to marry I could change the simple band if I wanted to. In no way did I take this as an impending proposal, but I was touched that he was not embarrassed to discuss this w/ me. Now what the heck was that all about!!!! Just to mess me up more?!?!?! I melted...and then 2 wks later...break-up. Thanks for any advice and/or reality slaps.

[Baubles]

thanks to this board, I've at least been able to keep the strength of not calling him since Tues, as he requested to give him his "space" until he calls Tues. strangely, it's hard but i think it's helped the pain go away faster...still there, not as severe though...I probably am holding onto the hope a lil that there's a 1% chance me not calling will give him time to miss me over time and rethink his reasons...bad, I know...but it keeps me from picking up the phone and making a sobbing fool of myself.

[flowers]

wow. sounds like you have a little mess on your hands

but, here it goes....

Don't go to dinner with him. If he asks then just tell him that considering the circumstances that you you 2 are not dating anymore that it would be best if you keep your distance for a couple of months or more. Otherwise, you look like you will do anything for him. And, this distance will give both of you a chance to clear your minds.

Anyway, you are not going to look "unstable" from what you told me of how you acted in the relationship. LOOK, THESE PEOPLE THAT HE WORKS WITH HAVE WIVES AND THEY DEAL WITH WOMEN ALL THE TIME. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND FOR THEY ARE MARRIED AND LIVE WITH WOMEN. THEY WILL UNDERSTAND THAT....BECAUSE THEY WILL UNDERSTAND THAT WOMEN ARE MORE EMOTIONAL THEN MEN.

THIS GUY THAT YOU WERE DATING SOUNDS LIKE A SPOILED BRAT. JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ACT EXACTLY THE WAY HE HAD I PORTRAYED IN HIS MIND....HE RAN. HE NEEDS TO GET REAL.....THE WAY YOU ACTED HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS DESCIONS...IF ANYTHING IT MADE HIM REFLECT HIS FEELING OF HOW HE ACTUALLY DID FEEL ABOUT YOU...AND MAYBE HE REALIZED HIS FEELINGS MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE SAME AS YOUR.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG...YOU WERE HUMAN!

LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT...KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY AT WORK ABOUT IT...EVEN IF THEY TRY TO PROBE.

YOU WILL LOOK MORE MATURE THEN HE IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AT WORK.

THE RING THING THAT HE TALKED ABOUT....MEANT NOTHING.....HES IMMATURE.

THANKS.

[clia]

I also think you should not go to dinner with him. You seem to be still hoping he is going to change his mind. Going to dinner with him is only going to re-enforce these feelings, which is going to make you feel even more terrible. I think you are crazy if you think you will be able to get through dinner without discussing the break up.

 

Look, he has your phone number! He can call you at any time if he changes his mind. He's not doing that. If he missed you, he would be calling and asking you out. Maybe he is conflicted right now. So what, let him be conflicted. Let him work out all his big, bad problems on his own. If he was that close to marrying you, your being upset about not hearing an ILY yet would not break down the dam. I still think he was looking for an excuse to end things.

 

Of course he's feeling conflicted and unsure of his decision--that is normal after a break up. Everyone feels that way. It doesn't mean that it's a bad decision, it just means that moving out of a comfort zone with one person and into the great unknown is difficult and scary.

 

All you have to do is say that the past week has given you a chance to think about things objectively, and that you think it best at this time not to go to dinner with him. (If he even calls.)

 

That said, I do think you need to call or e-mail him and ask him to please not share your personal relationship with your client. I realize he is friends with that guy, but it is extremely unprofessional and could come back to bite you. Surely as a doctor he understands the necessity of remaining professional. Tell him to find a new confidant.

[Baubles]

me again... it's been 2 wks from the break-up and I'm not sure what to think of my current feelings- perhaps I am in denial. I spoke w/ my ex-boyfriend Tuesday for over 2 hours, pretty much the same stuff and agreed to see each other Saturday for dinner. I had suggested a hockey game (fun and casual, so it wouldn't lend itself to too much talking)...he was worried it might be too much time at once, that we should start slower w/ just a dinner. I was offended and told him so, b/c he thought I would make a "scene"- I may have suffered grief and cried after the break-up but not ONCE have I gotten angry at him on the phone or called him names. He apologized. Right before this we had been discussing really great things we liked about each other and I said I saw no problem w/ dinner b/c in over 2 hours on the phone I hadn't shed a tear- that should be proof enough for him...he said he had awhile ago when were discussing the great things- who the heck knows....I made a point of saying how much we meant together and we had 7 good months, that we were best friends and I'll always be that for him.

 

so when i got off the phone i thought well we'll see each other for dinner sat and he'll probably end it then...i already accepted the break-up. on the phone he did admit now nothing was engraved in stone, whereas a week ago he thought no chance of reuniting in the future...now he doesn't feel it now, but he doesn't know what he'll feel in the future. i said that was fine, all I asked was for him to reflect and be open to spending time w/ each other. I asked what the phone rules were (this was tues. night) and he asked that I not call him til Sat, or he would call me then, as we set up a dinner time.

 

so, as a previous post said, if he missed me he'd call- and as he hadn't besides these "scheduled calls"- I figured that was it, proof itself. then last night (thurs.), I was away from the phone and he called at 9pm and left a message- he thought i might be interested in watching an episode of one of our favorite tv shows, that it was coming up and he gave a brief description of it, and that he hoped i was okay.....so....what the heck was that?!?!?! This was habit for us, about once a week when we watched this show we'd call each other up during commercial breaks and talk. I didn't expect him to call, especially since had i been there we would have spoken and I'm surprised he wanted that so soon knowing we'd see each other Saturday.

 

What is this?!?! A slip on his part due to habit or perhaps taking my "friends" offer to heart right away? Or could he be missing me and there's even the slightest hope of a future make-up?

 

Not to worry about me- I have accepted the break-up and feel strangely ok. I don't know if it's b/c I'm having some hope that w/in a month or so we'll reunite or if Ii'm just accepting what I cannot change. I've read the many arguments for a clean-break, and for the first week it was a very good idea, but i didn't have a gradual break-up, I think i do need to see him saturday and then maybe a week later and then let it die on his end... I honestly don't think Saturday dinner will get to me...I went through Tuesday's conversation w/ much less emotion than he and didn't get upset once or cry. I don't feel anger.

 

I had a thought last night after he called....I think I have always viewed dating as "when will the relationship end"...but when i think of being married or engaged, I don't think in those terms, my outlook is positive. I think my insecurity in dating is the lack of committment. w/ Aaron he has always treated dating as enjoying time we have together, never when will it end- but when he thinks of marriage he sees every possible bad scenario, a woman accusing him of cheating, divorce, someone leaving the house in a fight...etc. It's strange- b/c his outlook on dating has always been more positive than mine, but I view marriage as more stable and comforting than he. Is this typical of men/women? Another thing I wonder many years ago he spent up to a year living w/ a woman or summers for a few years w/ another (college) and they had a bad break-up, she accused him of cheating and threw something at him. It's like he projects this on me. Perhaps living together can be detrimental b/c the marriage committment isn't there to work it out? I made it clear we would never "live together" and he was fine w/ that.

 

Any case, alot of musings, but mainly what did his call mean? could there be a slight chance or just nothing, a force of habit he reached for the phone b/c that's his custom and he slipped? It's only been 2 wks since the break-up.

 

Only had one visit to therapist so far- he's hinting I may have a situational impulse something something, who knows, but he did say that you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your reactions to them. I think that's something to remember.

 

Don't worry - I might be feeling a lil hope, but i recognize the situation for what it is and am going on w/ life. If there is a glimmer of hope, I just need advice on how to handle it.

 

Thanks!

[flowers]

I think after this dinner thing that you decided to go on....I think that you need to take 3-4 MONTHS (both of you).. ALONE and decide if your relationship is worth salvaging.

lOOK, HE BROKE UP WITH YOU...SORRY TO SAY.. LET HIM BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS WORDS. HE DID NOT TAKE THEM BACK...HE IS HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATING IT.... HE MAY BE HAVING OTHER PEOPLE LINE HIM UP WITH DATING OTHERS OR SOMETHING....SINCE YOU 2 ARE BROKE UP.

SO, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IF THINGS GO SMOOTH FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS AND YOU GET BACK TOGETHER.

IS HE GOING TO BREAK UP AGAIN.... AND NOT TAKE HIS WORDS BACK....AND EXPECT YOU BACK AGAIN.....

IF HE CANNOT TAKE HIS WORDS BACK THAT HE DOESN'T WANT A BREAK UP....THEN YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE BY SEEING HIM TOO QUICKLY .

SECONDLY, IF U GET BACK TOGETHER TOO QUICKLY IT COULD RUIN YOUR CHANCES OF A LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIIP.

IN OTHER WORDS, IF YOU AND HE DON'T LEARN WHAT HAS HAPPENED ....AND TAKE SOME TIME OUT ALONE....THEN IT MAY JUST HAPPEN AGAIN....GET IT. GOOD LUCK, EITHER WAY.

[Girl]

Look luvvy, this guy is controlling and manipulating you, he's doing a great job too. So sad to see someone be a doormat like this.

 

For god's sake, all you did was express your feelings of sadness on Valentine's day that he did not feel the emotion of love for you like you did him. To someone who genuinely cared about you, to someone who felt it was just a matter of time that their feelings/words would catch up to you, this would be NO big deal. Instead, this guy reacted by telling you how he could never see himself marrying someone so unstable (huh?! just HOW does expressing feelings of sadness make you unstable?!) and to feel mortally wounded and hurt beyond all belief as if you'd just slain his family. Please!!!.

 

Here's some reality for you. Obviously he felt VERY threatened that you brought up something that he KNOWS he is never going to feel for you, never going to tell you, something big, therefore to regain his control he had to threaten you back (by breaking up with you) so you never bring this up again. You got it, right?. He achieved his result, right?. When he feels you've had enough time to learn your lesson and he reels you ALL the way back in (he's just started to) can you honestly say that you'll ever dare express your sadness that he doesn't love you??. Me thinks not. It's nearly game, set and match for him.... he's got you where he wants you.... he knows you'll never go down this road again otherwise you know what the consequences will be. He's taught you the rules now.

 

PLEASE wake up!!.

[Just A Girl2]

Dear Baubles,

 

I'm 35, and can tell you that I can definitely relate in many ways to what you're going through, and also to the kind of guy that your ex is. Reading your posts here, and the stunts he's pulling, it's made me angry..and my heart goes out to you.

 

First of all, who the hell does HE think he is, calling all the shots here? He's treating you like a child.......what's this sh*t that there are only "set times" during the week that you are allowed to phone him? That for the rest of the week, you're to 'give him his space'? He sounds like a manipulative, controlling assh*le, sorry to say. This is NOT how a mature, well balanced man conducts even a friendship!

 

And I'll tell you, it really burned my arse when I read his suggestion that you go for dinner Saturday night, and his pitiful response to your suggestion of going to a hockey game....this crap about that being "too much time to spend together" or however he worded it. What a dick! Who the hell does he think he is, I'd like to know? You are not just some skank he met while clubbing last weekend...you are someone who was in his life for over 7 months. Even just on a friendship level, he owes you a helluva lot more respect and courtesy than that, dammit! Since when does he get to call all the shots here? HE decides that DINNER is ACCEPTABLE, but if YOU suggest something, HE says NO because HE doesn't want to. Screw that noise!

 

And this cry-me-a-river-BS about the breakup on Valentine's Day. First of all, I have to agree with Clia and the others.......this is a typical type of behavior for someone who's looking to get out and appear blame free. He was going to tell you he loved you on Valentine's Day? BS! If you really love someone, and surely 7 months is MORE than enough time to figure out whether you love someone or not, you don't wait til the over-commerialized day of Valentine's Day to profess your love.....love doesn't just happen instantly on Feb 14th.........if you love someone, you just tell them WHENEVER, not on any certain day/holiday. I don't buy that crap for one minute.

 

AND...say this line of BS were true, do you really dump someone you love? I don't think so. Do you really come up with stupid rules that you are only allowed to speak on the phone once a week and that surrounding that time, you must be left alone to have your space? He sounds like a real piece of work.

 

You are better than this, you deserve so MUCH better than this. You should be in the driver's seat, Baubles, not him.

 

To be truthful, I find it amazingly suspicious..this crap about only being able to talk once a week...and HIM deciding what you do. Me wonders if maybe he's seeing someone else? .......and maybe he's not too sure about them yet, and isn't ready to totally 'let you go', so he's keeping you hanging on by a thread, no doubt KNOWING that if given the opportunity, you would get back with him in a heartbeat if that's what he asked for.

 

Like Clia says, give the sucker all the time he needs to deal with these huge conflicts of his (rolling eyes)...........he needs to p*ss or get off the pot. Right now, he's not even treating you like a friend....because he's totally in control of when you communicate, when you see each other, what you do WHEN you see each other. Even the most basic of friendships isn't this wacked.

 

I've dated guys in the past like this.....who pulled the same damn sh*t.......with them deciding "when" we'd see each other, them deciding what we'd do, being all in control...and if I suggested something well then too bad for me, it didn't sit well with them. I found it very humiliating and degrading. Even basic friendships are two-way streets. If the poor dear can't even hack going to a hockey game with you (something YOU would like to do), then tough beans for him. This isn't all about him, right? Where do YOU and YOUR NEEDS fit into any of this? It doesn't appear they do........and they won't fit into any of it until you stand up for yourself and your heart and stop taking his controlling BS, I'm serious.

 

He's not some kid who's wet behind the ears..who doesn't know anything about life, people, relationships, friendship...he's 35 yrs old for crying out loud. He needs to, as my Dad says, "get his poop in a group."

 

And you need to take back the reins here and put yourself in control of YOU.

 

So did I understand correctly...this dinner is tomorrow night? I could try to encourage you to tell him you can't make it, but I know how you are feeling and I know that you will still go.........but if I were you, I'd lay it all out on the table at dinner.....tell him things are just too weird, he hurt you, he has no right to twist it all around, call you unstable and HE is no longer in control of things, you are in control of YOU.

 

Ugh. Boys like this make me queasy.

[flowers]

Wow

I have to say the last letter hit the nail....he obviously is trying to turn it all around to make himself blame free in the relationship. I believe that also.

He is trying to brain-wash you.

Look, i have been out with a guy like this before...when we broke up he blamed everything on me. He did fool me for a while...thinking i was in the wrong... and I thought that I ruined things for us because of things that happen in the relationship.

 

Until I was able to break all contact with him( 3 weeks after we broke) ...and then began to see things much clearer....and then realized that he was manipulating, and a spoiled brat .

This guy wants everything his way....and you are giving it to him. If he wants a break-up then give it to him. It is way to WEAK...to give into his selfish behavior. ..of wanting a break, but still going out to dinner with you.

When a situation similar to this happen in a past relationship to me....I felt the entire way you did

Then, I began to realize that every thing in the past (in the relationship) was for him...and not US. It was almost like this person in my past couldn't handle things when they were what I wanted.....PLEASE, IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY THAT I DESCRIBED, THEN COME TO YOUR SENSES AND HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM FOR A WHILE.

If he loves you then he will be back. If you want to have dinner then do it....but then no contact with him....until he starts behaving like a responsible adult.

pesonally, I think him wanting a break has nothing to do with you being unstable....it has to do with him being unstable and not knowing what he wants......and you knowing exactly what you want....

[Baubles]

thanks flowers and everyone,

 

I cannot cancel dinner b/c I'm the one who suggested it- not he...although I gave the option of lunch of a hockey game and he picked dinner, I would have thought a hockey game more casual than dinner at our favorite restaurant (where many romantic conversations took place)...oh well...

 

I am confused....but I do think after tonight I'll let it be...if he calls or wants to see me again, not sure what I will do- but I think I'll quit the effort. I have been 100% blamed and that has sunk in, then there is there reality that perhaps he knew he would never love me and ran, or couldn't come to terms w/ how easily he can be hurt by his feelings and ran...who knows. My mother thought perhaps this was all to punish me, for pressuring him on the love thing which another post on here hit on, that it is to teach me not to do it again, that he's in control...could be. I doubt he's consciously doing it though- just his nature.

 

I have learned in the future if I catch myself b4 I say or do stupid things to jeopardize a relationship, then I'll never be left wondering like this- why did I do that, etc.... It's regret. Perhaps what he wanted to say was he didn't see himself loving me anytime soon and that's why he broke it off...which is sad, b/c all indicators were going in that direction, he spent more and more time w/ me and constantly remarked how happy he was in the relationship...oh well.

 

One magical change, after over a week of listening to his pain, his pain, I mentioned in our last conversation I felt I was treated unfairly in the break-up- he did it on valentine's day instead of cooling off and giving it a day, that he did it over the phone and not in person (not that it would have really helped), that he had been spending more and more time w/ me not less...this upset him, of course....he complained i didn't respect his one week rule and broke down and callled, i said yes the pain was too unbearable, that I didn't understand how he could resist the urge to call that's what hurt the most, and I think I had only called then for him just to tell me off (not break-up but be viscious) and end the pain (if a man were to tell me hated me and was just using me, etc and never wanted to hear from me again- I could lose all feeling- I didn't say this though). So, I stressed just how bad my grief had been due to the odd circumstances of this break-up, so I didn't want to keep hearing about his pain, that he had the decision to have taken it away, but he didn't. i was surprised by the message he left thurs....that he said he hoped i was okay. first time he's done that!

 

So...I'm having dinner, b/c I cannot cancel as it was my idea...but after that, I'm done w/ talking to him about it- nothing changed, he doesn't get it, I'm 100% at fault and even though I've started going to a therapist to control my emotional outbursts (which quite frankly aren't that bad), that doesn't matter...I can see there are things I can improve in myself but he doesn't. So...maybe in time he'll see something to change in himself...but until then, I don't think he'll come back just b/c I was soooo awful?!?! I'm going to press him for the valentine's day card that is still in his car, and it better say he loved me, etc....or I'll know then he made it up out of spite...!

 

thanks for your comments, i'll write tonight to let you know how it goes. i'm amazed how surprisingly strong i feel...it has only been 2 wks and when i think of him i think of an enjoyable dinner, nothing more, not angry, not really hurt anymore, just happy i had really great times w/ him and it didn't work out. I haven't understood if this is healthy or not, but I'm not grieving anymore which is good and I have no hope of anything developing tongiht.

[Just A Girl2]

Baubles,

 

Do you mean to tell me that through all this, he's only ever selfishly discuss "his pain" (pain he brought on himself, if he even FELT pain at all)....that he's never acknowledged YOUR PAIN? That he's never expressed some even indirect apology for having ended things with you on Valentine's Day, over the phone? Good God, woman.....the guy is as narcissistic as they come. Either he's full of sh*t or he's extremely self-absorbed. Is this all JUST ABOUT HIM? What about you?

 

How can you respect a guy who only thinks of himself and his alleged feelings of pain? I'd be more than hurt here, I'd be supremely angry.

 

Why do you want to spend even 5 minutes with someone who believes everything is YOUR fault? Who dwells on 'his pain' but can't even acknowledge yours? I know you're desperate, that can't be it........but it sounds like you're already so damn brainwashed that you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

The reason you're taking this all so well, and not really feeling grief is because let's face it.......you still really *DO* have hope for things to work out. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be having dinner with him.

 

He may be a nice guy with some nice qualities and you may have good memories of good times with him, but don't forget, even some nice guys can be passive-aggressive, abusive, manipulative, self-absorbed, controlling peckerheads.

 

If ANY, and I mean ANY guy told me I could only phone him once a week, particularly given a situation like this, I'd tell him to drop on his pointed head.....and any woman should, too.

 

You must be hoping to 'gain' something by continuing this contact with him.....get honest with yourself.....what is it you hope to gain? It's not human nature to go back to the people who hurt us...unless we hope to gain something from it. What do you hope to get from all of this?

 

All you're doing is sending him a loud and clear message that he can f*ck you around, including your heart.......treat you like dirt, dump you on V-Day, make up lame excuses about "love", give you semi-communistic rules that you must follow in terms of when and how to contact him........and that this is all "OKAY" with you.

 

He's got the best of both worlds here. His ego is still being stroked due to the fact that YOU still want to be with him...yet he doesn't have to make any commitments or give anything of himself. He tells you to jump and you say how high.

 

Personally, I have no idea why you're not as angry as hell at him. He's treating you with zero respect.

 

And about the fact that you suggested dinner, and you can't cancel because you're the one who suggested it, WRONG. You can do anything you damn well want to do. You come across like you don't think you have any control here at all. You're making yourself far too available.

 

So what, he called you on thursday and babbled something about watching your favorite show on TV. My ex (abusive) hubby was the king of charm and BS and he used to pull that kind of crap all the time........he knew "just" what to say to lure me back in every time (when we were separated, I'd left him).......he knew just how to be sweet and thoughtful so that I'd think to myself "oh wow, maybe he's finally seeing the light, maybe he's finally realizing that I do mean something to him." I fell for this garbage quite a few times before I realized that he did these things to keep control over me.....there was not a sincere bone in his body. Everything he did or said was guided by what "he" could get from me......I see your guy being very much the same way.

 

I wish you well, I really do.......I wish you would quickly learn to think more of yourself and that you deserve so much more than to waste even one more second with such a putz.

[Baubles]

I guess I should not keep posting here- as I don't know what I feel.

 

But, in case anyone is interested...here's what happenned- not what I expected in any case.

 

Went to dinner...nice time...he picked up tab...we held hands during dinner about halfway through- thngs were very nice, just like b4, no real talk about break-up...I kept it that way.

 

goes to drop me off and i suggest he come up to my place to hang out and watch tv (i know..i know...we were having such a good time and I figured if he said no, well there would be no more offer). he said he wasn't sure it was a good idea, but that he wanted to.

 

so we hung out at my place, he wanted to talk, and he did LOTS of it...same ole, same ole, he did see my visits to therapist as a positive sign....somewhere in all this I'm thinking I want to get back together and if it takes control on my part from accusing him of being controlling, then so be it. If it fails again, well at least I won't feel the twinge of guilt I do now, that some of it was my fault. So...kiss some, etc...both of us wanted more, but we resisted- and we hadn't expected to get to that point. I mentioned him taking time, that time would heal his hurt, and reminded him of the don't ask/don't tell policy if we ever got back together. he then told me (again) that he wanted me to know he won't date anyone else for many months...and then he said he hoped I would wait also. (yeh...I'm the dumpee and I cannot date? I said nothing).

 

I have to admit I did surprise myself and him I think. I think he was confused by my strength in this. He must have expected me to be sobbing, etc. but there was none of that, no begging (other than to say over time he may feel differently). As to control issues, oh yeh I see them in him- not sure how I feel about it though and it may be a few wks til I'm sure of my own feelings. I am glad I saw him though b/c I do feel I regained at least some composure...crying like that on the phone....I regret...yes, that could change when he breaks off contact....

 

so...after the same ole stuff from him i say there are 2 things you can do 1) give it time to heal...see me and allow the pain to heal at the same time..that relationship hope is gone if a prob is not fixable...and that I have been actively addressing the problem and as time goes on he'll see this (yes he has probs, but I admit I did need to work on my impulse control- things I said etc)...he said he's scared to give me false hope, b/c he doesn't want to break my heart again, that every day he wakes up hoping he'll feel differently but he doesn't...I said just to give it time and see what happens, he admits he's still reeling from being hurt- that what hurt him most was that I didn't feel secure in the relationship, that I didn't trust him when he said things were good....he asked what happens if time doesn't heal it...I said then it doesn't and we'll stay broken-up, that's fine also. Stop dwelling on your past pain, give it some time and see what happens, that he could be missing out on something w/ wonderful

potential. That I'm not worried about him breaking my heart again, he did a good enough job of it on V-day, and that I can be strong for both of us.

 

or 2) he keeps dwelling on his past pain and stays on happy.

 

well, next weekend he is on hospital call- as he had suggested a hockey game then but then pulled his daytimer and said he couldn't (this is true, he has to go into the hospital throughout the weekend and it's a pain). So...I said nothing, didn't ask for another day, etc...he said it we'd get them on the next weekend they were in town.

 

the night ended w/ after another one of my time talks, he said he'd like to see me at least once in the next 2 weeks (as the next weekend he's on call)- now I am proud of myself, previously I would have been defensive and hurt, I've started rating in my head just how bad this s on a scale of 1-10 b4 I open my mouth, so I said "ok". Even though I was sad, I didn't let it show. then he asked if it was OKAY with me if he called me this weekend while he's on call...I said "sure". He said he needs time to think or something like that and to give him 2 wks. I said "sure"....

 

Funny thing is he was worried about our first outing and that being the hockey game would be a whopping 3 hrs together...the evening ended up lasting 5.5hrs!

 

The evening was confusing...I'm confused about what I feel myself, but we are broken up. I cannot say that I will be heart-broken when this weekend comes and he says he cannot see me again- as I've already had the heartbreak, even though the hope will be dead. I don't know what he's thinking...I was simply proposing to see each other in lil outings and give it time...I don't know if he's reconsidering the break-up or what in the next 2 wks...it's been 2 weeks though and his mind hasn't changed so that's not positive...then again, it's just messed up to want to see someone for over 5 hours and talk and talk etc and cuddle when you aren't interested...he did not pressure me for sex.

 

I know I took a risk on seeing him and went against alot of helpful advice- and I appreciate everyone's response- most importantly you helped me prepare for the worst- my emotions were deadened, I had no expectations- and that was good. I do feel I needed some sort of gradual end to the "dating".

 

I admit I do have some hope of him getting back, alhtough I don't know how realistic it may be- 5%? I've never had a break-up like this. Maybe he's just feeling guilt or missing me but knows it won't ever be more...I don't know.

 

Oh, one funny thing on tues. he asked if I had told a female friend of mine that we broke up(he's never met her, but we talk alot) and I said yes...but i stopped b/c of what she thought of him....then he asked,so I said "controlling and needy"- he was stunned and defensive and went so far as to say things like "how can i be controlling when i let you pick the restaurant or let you pick the appetizer" apparently, this has been on his mind b/c he brought it up a # of times last night- maybe something will sink in?!?!

 

Yes, I do want to get back w/ him...and this time I can accurately assess what I am looking at- if once I've had a hard look at him now w/out hurt I may decide not to go back- but I'm not there just yet. I think I didn't recognize some of his fault and took it all on myself- had I recognized his fault earlier I may have been able to handle things differently, or maybe not.

 

I also don't think there is anyone else- I know that friday night he had met a guy friend for drinks/dinner...so I'm baffled...is he easing into getting back or am I just guilting him and he feels he cannot break free.

 

Anycase, thanks for listening... if there is an interest on his part we get back, and that's a big IF I will be addressing the issues you all have discussed....

[Just A Girl2]

Baubles,

 

First let me say, my following response is in no way a reaction to the fact that you didn't take peoples' advice here, it's really not.

 

Okay, here goes. I think he is a big, wishy-washy, game-playing horse's a$$, an even bigger one than before.

 

All this talk about "his pain" is enough to make me want to toss my cookies. What the f*ck is this? Knock knock, Baubles, wake up and smell the BS. Why is this all about HIM? HIS PAIN? Are you not the one who got their ass dumped on V-Day all because you were rightly upset about him not being able to tell you he loved you after the significant period of 7 months? Geezus cripes. With all due respect, I think you should bump your therapy sessions up to twice a week.

 

There's been absolutely NO acknowledgement whatsover, about YOUR PAIN, about how he hurt you, about his hurtful words, etc.

 

And now, to ice the cake, he says you'll talk to each other ONCE over the next 2 weeks? What a large load of turds. It's just so much effort to pick up the fekkin phone? He's keeping you at arm's length, f*cking with your head and heart, enough so that you keep hanging on......but at the same time, putting him in the super position of having no responsibility, no need to be accountable, no commitment to you, nothing.

 

I can't totally blame him because you are obviously falling for all of this, hook line and sinker. You seem like a very bright gal so I'm dumbfounded as to why you're not seeing how he's playing you, and jerking you around.

 

Don't know what more to say, it seems you're just determined to let him play you and screw with you. I wish you well.

[Baubles]

thanks just a girl-

 

I know that's how I should feel and I'm trying, I just don't completely at this point. I will say I might have a thread of hope, but it's not controlling my life and the grief is mostly gone and that's a good thing and I thank everyone on here for getting me through the bad times.

 

I'll stop posting now.

[flowers]

Truthfully, i think you think your grief is over only because he gave you more hope by seeing you...

Secondly, if you want to know a faster outcome then you will let him go and tell him you can't talk to him for a while.....

If he calls after a month or two... or more....then maybe he can give you what you want.

But, for now, he is just a big ball of confusion.....

and, you are going to get so confused if you

continue to communicate with someone who is confused with what they want. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

I am sure he is a nice guy....but, he obviously doesn't know what he wants...so leave him be.

Have you ever heard of this saying: If you love someone....then let them go. If they come back to you it is yours....if they don't...it was never yours to begin with

save yourself the long agony of the break-up and let go for a while and see if he comes back. This is the least harsh thing you can do........in order to find out the truth

good luck

[susan]

It is hard for anyone to advice someone else in love, because maybe there is no real true answer to what makes two people stay together in good and bad, noone else can really understand that fully. Is there wrong and right in love? Can someone judge someelses decision to stay? even with an abuser.

However, you reached out to this forum because you felt you needed some advice, You felt unhappy and needed some validation from someone even just strangers on a website. I beleive there should be no judgments placed.

You are allowed to freely love this person inspite of your issues. Do.

Realise to think also about yourself and what you indure and what price you pay in your own life for this relationship.

Posting here can maybe kill all hope of reconciliation, I do not think that is the meaning of the forum, people just give you their advice (like myself) out of their own experiences and troubles. You got to work out your own.

Loosing self esteem in a relationship is a very tricky thing, love is suppose to be happy, we all know that, but sometimes you have to go threw hurt and past issues to get to the "real" thing,

You might be able to want to do that, but maybe he can not for some reason.

Your post really touched me because I feel a bit the same way with my ex, we are still dwelling on unresolved issues and do not seem to get anywhere.

Meanwhile, love can still be in the air.

Susan