Confessions and recovery of a love addict

[moo]

I am addicted to my ex. It's true. It's a fact. I felt like I would die without him and when too much time went by without speaking to him, I would get jumpy, feel like I was going to jump out of my skin and I had to call him for an emotional fix.

 

As many of you know, I broke NC, and let me tell you, I had to fight my way back up. I got a temp job and I had no choice. I had to find my way and I did.

 

This past Monday before work was my last crying fit. I feel so much better now. I don't plan on intiating contact with him anymore because I dont' want to compromise my recovery. Here are my steps for ME. You can tailor them for yourselves.

 

12 step relationship recovery/healthy relationship program:

 

1-To recognize that I have power over the decisions I make. I can choose NOT to initiate contact. My emotions are not in control of me.

I can choose not to give into them.

 

2-I must keep doing things that foster and enhance healing: working, school work, crafts, exercise, going for walks, posting here, therapy, etc.

 

3-I must continue to process the relationship and think deeply about what I did wrong so I can learn from it.

 

4-Recognize that I can change my behavior.

 

5-My feelings are important to me. Being rejected and disregarded in a relationship hurts me and I do NOT have to put up with that.

 

6-I have the right to be in a relationship with somone that takes the relationship seriously and is willing to put TIME and EFFORT into it. I will NOT settle for someone who treats me like a sex-object, a toy, or takes me for granted.

 

7-I must continue to lead a fuller life and have more people in my life so that my life does not revolve around my next bf.

 

8-If someone is not willing to appreciate my gentleness and sensitivity, then they can go.

 

9-I am not going to try to convince a man to "give me a chance to see what develops." If he doesn't want to date me because of my size or any other physical aspect; he can go.

 

10-I will not engage in a relationship with any man that smokes, does drugs, get drunk every weekend, or drives drunk. That's just not for me.

 

11-I will not have a relationship with men who sells drugs, have been in jail, have multiple children by multiple women, or deadbeat dads.

 

12-I will not blindly trust any partner. Trust is earned. A man must show me he is interested in me. "Just words" are NOT acceptable.

[northstar1]

I am addicted to my ex. It's true. It's a fact. I felt like I would die without him and when too much time went by without speaking to him, I would get jumpy, feel like I was going to jump out of my skin and I had to call him for an emotional fix.

 

As many of you know, I broke NC, and let me tell you, I had to fight my way back up. I got a temp job and I had no choice. I had to find my way and I did.

 

This past Monday before work was my last crying fit. I feel so much better now. I don't plan on intiating contact with him anymore because I dont' want to compromise my recovery. Here are my steps for ME. You can tailor them for yourselves.

 

12 step relationship recovery/healthy relationship program:

 

1-To recognize that I have power over the decisions I make. I can choose NOT to initiate contact. My emotions are not in control of me.

I can choose not to give into them.

 

2-I must keep doing things that foster and enhance healing: working, school work, crafts, exercise, going for walks, posting here, therapy, etc.

 

3-I must continue to process the relationship and think deeply about what I did wrong so I can learn from it.

 

4-Recognize that I can change my behavior.

 

5-My feelings are important to me. Being rejected and disregarded in a relationship hurts me and I do NOT have to put up with that.

 

6-I have the right to be in a relationship with somone that takes the relationship seriously and is willing to put TIME and EFFORT into it. I will NOT settle for someone who treats me like a sex-object, a toy, or takes me for granted.

 

7-I must continue to lead a fuller life and have more people in my life so that my life does not revolve around my next bf.

 

8-If someone is not willing to appreciate my gentleness and sensitivity, then they can go.

 

9-I am not going to try to convince a man to "give me a chance to see what develops." If he doesn't want to date me because of my size or any other physical aspect; he can go.

 

10-I will not engage in a relationship with any man that smokes, does drugs, get drunk every weekend, or drives drunk. That's just is not for me.

 

11-I will not have a relationship with men who sells drugs, have been in jail, have multiple children by multiple women, or deadbeat dads.

 

12-I will not blindly trust any partner. Trust is earned. A man must show me he is interested in me. "Just words" are NOT acceptable.

 

This is a great list moo. If you can stick with those points, you will notice a change in habits and thought process.

You know what will make you happy and that you alone control that happiness.

Don't settle for anything less in life.

[Surfer Girl]

Moo.... Just as you realized it is an addiction.... I have too.... I just know the longer I go NC the better I will be.... but the pain, addiction, and wanting to know.,. is like hell on earth..... I feel your pain....

[moo]

yes, wanting to know, all the unanswered questions...it was like...if I could just call him one more time, this time it would be okay, this time he will explain, this time he will apologize. If I could just email him one more time...this time it would be okay. It was as if I was an alcoholic saying.."just one last drink. I just need one last drink."

 

I don't like being this way...it's too painful. I know I need to SHARE my life with someone and NOT enmesh my life with their's..but it's so hard because of my personality. Still, I must try and try to be strong.

 

Thank you all for your comments.

[Thomas X Forever]

Moo is the first person we're going to see on the A&E show Intervention, for being addicted to someone else.

[moo]

Maybe they will have you on the show at the same time.:p

[Thomas X Forever]

Yeah, you probably will see me on it. But for my addiction is mirrors.

 

Oh well, it'll be an unconventional episode.

[moo]

are you sure you are not addicted to your ex?

[Thomas X Forever]

I deeply love(d) her, but I'm not sure about an addiction. I don't think anyone can truly be addicted to someone else. At least not unless they suffer with full blown Dependent Personality Disorder.

 

...But maybe I am... Either way, it truly does hurt everyday.

[moo]

I don't have that disorder. But I do have some of the traits.

[Thomas X Forever]

You mean you have some traits of DPD?

 

Alas, we all do, most likely. What determines disorders is not necessarily the symptoms, but rather how often the symptoms are presented.

[moo]

When I say I don't have it, I don't meet criteria for the disorder, but I have some aspects of it. Yes, we all have traits of many pernsonality disorders...but some have more or stronger traits than others.

[love_fool]

Moo, you are seriously speaking on behalf of my heart. I can agree with all that, and I just realized that my ex has damaged my self-worth to the point where I need to say these 12 things over and over again.

[moo]

I'm right there with you. My ex threw my self-worth into the gutter. I let him do it. Then I had to climb out.

[love_fool]

I hope the sting of me actually leaving him for good leaves a far bigger scar than when I slapped him across the face.. heh.

[hoping2heal]

Just an observation of mine. What might feel like "Addiction" i.e the jumpiness, the NEED for a "fix", is often usually not so much addiction as it is not being secure in your relationship. Falling in love can be scary, and if you don't feel secure about it, you can feel like you need constant reassurance and affirmation they still care about you. It can probably mirror addiction the way you start to associate your "relief" with constant attention/interraction with them. But mostly, I think when the same people who are "love addicts", were to get into relationships that were stable and they felt secure in; I'm willing to be anything it would be a different ballgame.

[moo]

These intense feelings I had was going through the he-tox withdrawal. However, after reading your post, I realize I did have these feelings in the relationship, but to a much lesser degree. This was not a secure relationship...I was pretty much in it alone. Thanks for your insight.

[moo]

Thank goodness I climbed out of that hole!! Just a few days back on the NC wagon (less than a week) and I feel sooooo much better. I can't believe I jepardized my recovery for that bombaclot. I am soooooo much better going NC than not.

[hoping2heal]

These intense feelings I had was going through the he-tox withdrawal. However, after reading your post, I realize I did have these feelings in the relationship, but to a much lesser degree. This was not a secure relationship...I was pretty much in it alone. Thanks for your insight.

You're welcome. I think if you would of felt he was just as committed to your relationship as you were, and you felt this person trully loved, adored, and appreciated you there wouldn't be the jumpiness if you hadn't heard from him in X amount of time. You wouldn't of been obsessing over every little detail if you just knew you were "home" with this guy. So glad you noticed, I don't think you were "addicted" at all.

[moo]

What you say makes sense...but still, I think I am addicted because the withdrawal from the relationship was the most God awful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I never felt like I was going to die before. I felt that way when he left. My situation reminded me of TV shows when I saw a character coming off of heroin.

[hoping2heal]

What you say makes sense...but still, I think I am addicted because the withdrawal from the relationship was the most God awful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I never felt like I was going to die before. I felt that way when he left. My situation reminded me of TV shows when I saw a character coming off of heroin.

 

Moo, I'm guessing the relationship wasn't very good. Based on what you had to say about him, I don't doubt you suffered some erosion of your self esteem. It's quite common for women who get out of relationships with abusers for example (I don't know that he was abusive or not). To feel a strong sense of devestation, this is because their abusive partner becomes their identity. The abuser manages to bring the partner to a state of self worthlessness, and this in turn teaches the abused partner that they cannot trust their own judgement (afterall, they chose to fall in love with an abuser, right? ) While the abuser may be terrible- it soon becomes the only CONSISTENT part of the abused partner's life. Thus making it the only thing the partner learns to trust- even though this is a very dysfunctional version of that.

 

Were you abused at all in your relationship?

[moo]

no. There was some emotional abuse in this relationship, but mostly he just put no effort into it and rejected me. The relationship mimiced my parent's marriage. so did the one before that. I am working on myself so that I can break the cycle.

[hoping2heal]

no. There was some emotional abuse in this relationship, but mostly he just put no effort into it and rejected me. The relationship mimiced my parent's marriage. so did the one before that. I am working on myself so that I can break the cycle.

 

You say there was some emotional abuse. What do you mean by this? Good for you that you're recognizing a pattern and trying to end it.

[moo]

You say there was some emotional abuse. What do you mean by this?

 

Ignoring my calls, standing me up with no explanations for hours and hours, worrying me because I think he is in an accident, always talking about a woman in which there was a rumor at his job that they were seeing each other. Talking about her even though it hurt me. Seeing me once every 5 weeks, then telling me I should get a man who's available 24/7. Yelling at me when I finally trust him enough to discuss exchanging Xmas presents when I didn't want to do it before because I thought he wouldn't buy me a present. Telling me he would write me snail mail letters if I wrote him and then not following through. Always putting paperwork ahead of me. Not sharing his job schedule with me because "it always changes" yet he could make a plan to see me on a particular day. Not doing anything for my birthday, not even a card. Telling me he loves me then leaving me 2 weeks later and throwing another woman in my face and treating me like a stranger.

 

Not caring enough to take me shopping for a winter coat when I don't drive. Making me wait three months for that. Turning down my offer to spend all 4 days with me if I came to town because his friend might want to hang out...a friend he saw very frequently when I saw him for about 4 hours once every 5 weeks. Telling me he doesn't have money for flowers, but spending 50 dollars on CDs and 25 dollars every other week so he could run in a race. Getting nasty with me when I didn't want to have sex because I was in pain from cramps. Wanting to ditch me in a city I was not very familiar with for nine hours until my friend could pick me up so he could think about what his car breaking down means to him. Throwing it in my face that he couldn't ditch me.

 

Taken all together, it feels like emotional abuse.

[hoping2heal]

Ignoring my calls, standing me up with no explanations for hours and hours, worrying me because I think he is in an accident, always talking about a woman in which there was a rumor at his job that they were seeing each other. Talking about her even though it hurt me. Seeing me once every 5 weeks, then telling me I should get a man who's available 24/7. Yelling at me when I finally trust him enough to discuss exchanging Xmas presents when I didn't want to do it before because I thought he wouldn't buy me a present. Telling me he would write me snail mail letters if I wrote him and then not following through. Always putting paperwork ahead of me. Not sharing his job schedule with me because "it always changes" yet he could make a plan to see me on a particular day. Not doing anything for my birthday, not even a card. Telling me he loves me then leaving me 2 weeks later and throwing another woman in my face and treating me like a stranger.

 

Not caring enough to take me shopping for a winter coat when I don't drive. Making me wait three months for that. Turning down my offer to spend all 4 days with me if I came to town because his friend might want to hang out...a friend he saw very frequently when I saw him for about 4 hours once every 5 weeks. Telling me he doesn't have money for flowers, but spending 50 dollars on CDs and 25 dollars every other week so he could run in a race. Getting nasty with me when I didn't want to have sex because I was in pain from cramps. Wanting to ditch me in a city I was not very familiar with for nine hours until my friend could pick me up so he could think about what his car breaking down means to him. Throwing it in my face that he couldn't ditch me.

 

Taken all together, it feels like emotional abuse.

 

Well, he sounds like a jerk but I don't know that he was abusive. Abuse can usually be hallmarked by the abuser's need to control the victim. Unless a guy is doing this and trying isolate you, and control you; it wasn't abuse it was just being a jerk. I understand how they may feel similiar though. I'm glad you're away from him, he was no good, no good, no good..baby, he's no good.