Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Take it from someone who shut off their emotions completely for 2 yrs. The sadness, it is a good thing. No emotion is good for a while, then you are like, oh ****. I'm robocop. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I'd rather feel the sadness. As much as it might be debilitating at the time, I find solace in the strength I achieve after healing. I'd much rather face it and deal with it head on. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 How long were you and your ex together for? Too lazy to go back and read past posts. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Death will rob the air from my lungs before I'll give up the essence of what makes me feel alive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 We were together for over a year. But it wasn't her who caused me to shut off emotion. It was the first girl I ever loved. We were eachothers first everything, etc. Few months into that relationship, about 6 months, after I was falling in love with her, I found out she was a cutter. Nothing I could do, I couldn't abandon the girl. I loved her. Stuck around, ripped me to shreds emotionally. She had borderline personality disorder. Bipolar 1, too. I still stuck around, tried to fight for her. Tried to save her. I knew enough back then about psychology to help her, but not enough to know she had to save herself. I put myself in the line of fire, got blasted not with a pistol but rather a whole artillery of weaponry, that girl. After we broke up, she started screwing with a mutual friend. At that point, after all the cutting, all the bipolarness, borderline disorder, ups and downs that make tidal waves look like puddles... My emotion shut off. It was a lot of fun let me tell you Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 We were together for over a year. But it wasn't her who caused me to shut off emotion. It was the first girl I ever loved. We were eachothers first everything, etc. Few months into that relationship, about 6 months, after I was falling in love with her, I found out she was a cutter. Nothing I could do, I couldn't abandon the girl. I loved her. Stuck around, ripped me to shreds emotionally. She had borderline personality disorder. Bipolar 1, too. I still stuck around, tried to fight for her. Tried to save her. I knew enough back then about psychology to help her, but not enough to know she had to save herself. I put myself in the line of fire, got blasted not with a pistol but rather a whole artillery of weaponry, that girl. After we broke up, she started screwing with a mutual friend. At that point, after all the cutting, all the bipolarness, borderline disorder, ups and downs that make tidal waves look like puddles... My emotion shut off. It was a lot of fun let me tell you I see. Do you know if she still has those same tendencies? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 The thing about borderline personality disorder, and every cluster B disorder for that matter, is they don't go away. Ever. I spent many nights staying up on the phone with her, trying to get her to see someone actually loved her, gave a damn about her. (Her father abandoned her. No doubt she took much rage towards him, out on me, because I was a male, and actually there for her. I'm sure she resented me for that subconsciously). Anyway, after successfully getting her to stop cutting (for a long period of time), I was able to take a deep breath. After we broke up though, her next boyfriend, who txt me telling me how nutty she was (lol), told me that he just found out she cuts herself. Then he told me that when he tried to get her to stop, she told him no one has ever been there for her through that... and she's always been alone. People like that can't change. Cluster B disorders are like terminal cancer. They don't go away til you're dead. She is a wrecking ball, and will completely obliterate anyone and everyone who ever cares for her. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 The thing about borderline personality disorder, and every cluster B disorder for that matter, is they don't go away. Ever. I spent many nights staying up on the phone with her, trying to get her to see someone actually loved her, gave a damn about her. (Her father abandoned her. No doubt she took much rage towards him, out on me, because I was a male, and actually there for her. I'm sure she resented me for that subconsciously). Anyway, after successfully getting her to stop cutting (for a long period of time), I was able to take a deep breath. After we broke up though, her next boyfriend, who txt me telling me how nutty she was (lol), told me that he just found out she cuts herself. Then he told me that when he tried to get her to stop, she told him no one has ever been there for her through that... and she's always been alone. People like that can't change. Cluster B disorders are like terminal cancer. They don't go away til you're dead. She is a wrecking ball, and will completely obliterate anyone and everyone who ever cares for her. Count your blessings, my man..damn! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 OP, it is possible to love someone who is mentally ill, but just not as an equal partner. It's also possible to 'deal' with them with love, essentially letting go of your expectations. I would never choose to do it. I've loved and cared for someone who is and will die mentally ill (my mother). I've loved someone who exhibits many of the symptoms you have described and continue to do so, and have done so for many years. The key, and extremely difficult part, is detaching enough emotionally to not be irreparably damaged, and retaining and revitalizing the essential emotional self in order to offer genuine love to the other. If you look back at some of my early posts on LS, when I was still figuring it out (MC helped a lot), you'll see the battle going on within my psyche. I was determined to never give up those qualities which I hold dear and define myself by. I'm sorry to read about your past relationship. I have some understanding of how difficult it must have been. I know, for me, there was a lot of anger, a lot of hurt and a lot of "why me?". MC taught me the concept of acceptance and choice. I can accept the reality in my midst and I can choose how I will process my feelings about it. It's not a perfect process; it's a human process. I wish you a safe journey, wherever life takes you next Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Count your blessings, my man..damn! Shoot, my friend. These days? I could count them on one hand. How bout you? How are you doing Carhill, that's crazy, your situation. I'm glad you turned out as good as you did despite the hardships. A lot of people don't make it through. I know I sure took a hit that left a crater. I will survive though, I don't want it to come off like I'm some victim. I knew full well the damage I was inflicting to myself by staying with my first gf. I knew and I stuck by her despite it. That's what gave the meaning to the song "I'll Be" by Edwin Mccain. He says "I'll be your love suicide" Or something. That's what I was. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Shoot, my friend. These days? I could count them on one hand. How bout you? How are you doing. Relationship wise.. Better than I've ever been! Got 4 dates lined up starting tomorrow night through sunday. One wants me to come see her tonight when she gets off... I'm back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Rofl hilarious. What state are you from? Share the wealth Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I recall the anger is some of your early postings here and saw a lot of myself in that. Eventually, the anger gets out of the way and the rest of the stuff comes out. I didn't and don't see you (or myself) as victims; rather, we're people doing the best we can with what life has shown us. Tomorrow is another day. Luckily, we're relatively sane and healthy and will be able to enjoy it. That's a true gift Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Rofl hilarious. What state are you from? Share the wealthsent ya a pm..don't want that type info out in the public Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Carhill, that's interesting you saw the anger. It's definitely there. I definitely have anger, mostly towards my recent ex that has me so twisted. It hurts so badly that she never gave us a chance to really work. Such a shame on her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well my night just got amazing. My most RECENT ex (never before mentioned. Not the ex im hurting over, and not my first ex. this is the most recent ex, who i never mentioned) just txt me and told me she needed to admit one night she cheated on me right before we broke up. Lovely, my blessings are down to about 2 fingers Link to post Share on other sites
username8 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Take it from someone who shut off their emotions completely for 2 yrs. The sadness, it is a good thing. No emotion is good for a while, then you are like, oh ****. I'm robocop. I choose no emotions.. ROBOCOP IS PRETTY COOL I've seen the series I have had enough w/ emotions. I'm sure the correct thing here to do is work through ur emotions and move on.. but for now i choose ROBOCOP! Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Take it from someone who shut off their emotions completely for 2 yrs. The sadness, it is a good thing. No emotion is good for a while, then you are like, oh ****. I'm robocop. Emotions are good. Better to have torment and ecstasy than just...grey...bland...nothing. Hooray to strong emotions! Link to post Share on other sites
Peanut9330 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I would rather feel sad and grow from the experiance then to feel nothing at all and let all the pain to hit me all at once cuz at some point its gonna hit you no matter how strong you are. I'm feeling the pain right now and it would be nice not too but its just a part of life and I know that with each day I get stronger. and a lil off topic comment lol I looked at your website seems like you got a promising career ahead of you. Your pics are really good!!! Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Shoot, my friend. These days? I could count them on one hand. How bout you? How are you doing Carhill, that's crazy, your situation. I'm glad you turned out as good as you did despite the hardships. A lot of people don't make it through. I know I sure took a hit that left a crater. I will survive though, I don't want it to come off like I'm some victim. I knew full well the damage I was inflicting to myself by staying with my first gf. I knew and I stuck by her despite it. That's what gave the meaning to the song "I'll Be" by Edwin Mccain. He says "I'll be your love suicide" Or something. That's what I was. So what are they? Your blessings I mean. Oh, I don't mean this in a condescending way by the way. I really want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 Oh, and I chose the emotions btw in the past wrt lost love. I chose no emotion, repression, wrt the abuse and things I suffered. Needless to say, it wasn't until I finally decided to go to therapy some 15 years after the affect that the abuse stopped tainting my life. The moral of the story is, if you don't allow yourself to process and work through emotions - for whatever reason you are having them, they will fester in your psyche and continue to do so until they are dealt with. You will never get past or move on, until you confront and face them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 I used to be a model for calvin klein, and I have a good father. Lastly, I'd like to think im a good person. That's about it though. oh and a hyundai tiburon Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I used to be a model for calvin klein, and I have a good father. Lastly, I'd like to think im a good person. That's about it though. oh and a hyundai tiburon What about your life? Do you think that's a blessing? What about all the beautiful things in life to enjoy? Places to see etc. Do you consider those blessings? I think it's wonderful that you have a good father. It's invaluable. Do you have a stable home environment? Do you have a way to put food on the table? If so, do you consider those blessings? BTW not trying to imply you're ungreatful, just wondering . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 I consider life a blessing, but can't appreciate it when I feel like this. So currently, no. I'm curious though why you are concerned about what I consider blessings or not. What's the inspiration? Just wondering about your fellow person? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I consider life a blessing, but can't appreciate it when I feel like this. So currently, no. I'm curious though why you are concerned about what I consider blessings or not. What's the inspiration? Just wondering about your fellow person? Well, I felt kind of sad for you to be honest. I don't mean pitty, I mean empathy. That your perspective was you only had a handful. Especially after reading what you do count as blessings (I don't mean that to say they aren't, they certainly are!) but what I mean is, I have had less than what one would consider a charmed life, I have a physical father who has never been and I don't think ever will be present emotionally, and I'm sure people would pay me to NOT model in my underwear, but I can still think of probably 300 blessings I have in my life, and only probably 15 of them have occured in the last year, the rest were always there. But I know what it's like when you have a broken heart, it's as you stated - difficult to appreciate what they are. I know you are having a really difficult time lately. Was just concerned about you that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
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