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how can he be so disrespectful??


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aloneanddepressed

It's been about three days since I found out its definitely over between my BF and I. For the past couple of weeks, I had tried to call him, and send messages online. As I mentioned in a previous thread, he hasn't spoken to me after an argument, which is going on three weeks ago. I am aware the relationship is over, and he is done, but is this normal behavior for person to ignore someone who is trying to contact them? I have explained how that it upsets me, regardless of it being over or not, that he will not say anything to me. I told him I had some things to say, and I don't understand why he can't talk to me. I know it is over, but I feel like he is disrespecting me.

 

I would understand if his phone was the only means of communication, but he has approximately three instant messengers, Email, Facebook and Myspace, in which I've noticed he has been active on there recently. What is so difficult about saying something to a person behind a computer screen? I am not going to try to contact him any longer, but I don't appreciate his disrespect for my feelings. I'm not trying to seem like I don't/won't accept the breakup, but I think after eight months, he would at least respond and say something. This makes me so mad, and I wonder if he has lied about his feelings for me. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship anymore, but you would think he would still somewhat care about my feelings. Maybe men are different, but if was the other way around, I would send him an email at least for proper closure.:mad:

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burningashes
I'm not trying to seem like I don't/won't accept the breakup

 

Hun, that's not far from the truth actually. If you are aware that you and your boyfriend are no longer together- he actually has no obligations to respond to your contacts, whether he cares or not. I'm sure you've read about NC, and in your case, he's gone NC with you. Stop contacting him and look after yourself. It's tough, but you can do it!

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aloneanddepressed
Hun, that's not far from the truth actually. If you are aware that you and your boyfriend are no longer together- he actually has no obligations to respond to your contacts, whether he cares or not. I'm sure you've read about NC, and in your case, he's gone NC with you. Stop contacting him and look after yourself. It's tough, but you can do it!

 

Well yes I see this. However, he never told me it was over. It was two weeks after the argument, before I found out it was over. During that time I kept trying to contact him. I found this out from one of his friends. By ignoring me, he initiated it was over. I just think if a person is trying to contact you that you have known for a good period of time, you could hear them out, even if you don't want to date them anymore. I personally would say something like "im sorry, I do care about you, but I can't do this anymore"..but its pretty clear he doesn't care, so yeah why did I bother trying to get him to say something. :o

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Ignore him and let it go...That will have a reverse effect. If you keep trying to contact him you are pushing him farther and farther away. Not sayin that you want to reconcile but it will be better for the both of you in the long run. Delete him from FB/Myspace whatever and just let it go...Then in time he might contact you and THEN you can tell him how you feel.

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aloneanddepressed

I think I just hate the feeling like he is in control.....like he doesn't "have" to speak to me. Maybe that is true, especially at this point, but I go to the trouble to write him and not one word. I apologized for what I had done on my part, and now I wish I hadn't even done this. He contributed to the breakup as well, but he has nothing to say. I wish I could take it back..I wish I had just not send him messages, because I do see how this pushes him farther away if I keep writing. As of now, I won't say anything else. I hope he realizes what he has done. :mad:

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My ex girlfriend pulled the same crap on me. I couldn't understand how someone that I had been with for so long suddenly turn so cold and hateful. In the end I relaized her actions spoke volumes of her character.

 

Like another poster here said, turn the tables on him. He WILL be back sooner or later. When? No one knows.

 

About 6 months after my ex and I broke up, I had dropped off the face of the earth by then. She suddenly starts sending me messages on myspace... and then I kicked her to curb just like she did months earlier. $#%%

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You're on the receiving end of No Contact.

 

Yes, it hurts. No, I don't expect he'll come back. His actions are telling you volumes.

 

You mentioned "closure." In the vast majority of cases involving romantic break-ups, "closure" is just a code for "getting the last word."

 

You're better than that, you don't need the last word.

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aloneanddepressed

I just wish he would have told me it is over in words. I had to find this out from a friend of his I contacted on my own. I really think that is what is making me so mad. The upsetting part is he didn't respect me enough to tell me face to face. He just goes on about life, and disappears. I think I deserved at least a word. Well, at this point if he did contact me I would not respond. I thought of him as not only a BF but a good friend, and was hoping we could remain friends, but who wants a friend of such nature. I feel so nauseated about this entire situation. I feel like I mean nothing to him, and possibly never did.

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I just wish he would have told me it is over in words. I had to find this out from a friend of his I contacted on my own. I really think that is what is making me so mad. The upsetting part is he didn't respect me enough to tell me face to face. He just goes on about life, and disappears. I think I deserved at least a word. Well, at this point if he did contact me I would not respond. I thought of him as not only a BF but a good friend, and was hoping we could remain friends, but who wants a friend of such nature. I feel so nauseated about this entire situation. I feel like I mean nothing to him, and possibly never did.

A couple of things in here:

 

  • You feel you deserved a word from him. He obviously doesn't feel that way. The problem isn't in what he did or didn't do, it's with your expectations. (I know this sounds harsh, but that's just the way I see it, sorry...)
  • You cannot remain friends with an ex. There's too much history. For a man to hear, "I know we're not lovers anymore, but I still want you as a friend" is a tremendous insult.

I know it's difficult, I know it's heartbreaking (we've all been there) and I know it frustrates the bejeezuz out of you for not getting any opportunity to make things right, but the fact is that he's moved on.

 

I suggest you do the same.

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green apples
You cannot remain friends with an ex. There's too much history. For a man to hear, "I know we're not lovers anymore, but I still want you as a friend" is a tremendous insult.

 

 

Some people don't want to be friends after lovers but why would a man feel that sentence to be an insult? Could you elaborate please?

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aloneanddepressed

yeah i don't quite understand the "wanting to remain friends" deal being an insult to him, especially if he initiated the breakup. maybe if he broke up with me and asked to remain friends, that would be insulting to me no doubt. he should be flattered i would even consider being friends, after all his insensitivity and heartbreak he has caused me. i know many people who have stayed friends with Ex's, but yes not everyone is able to do this. come to think of it, in this particular breakup situation, i feel him not being straight up with me in the first place about it being over, and showing little respect for my feelings..i highly doubt friends would ever be an option. its clear he doesn't care *period* and this does show his character. just the other week, he was like " I love you with all my heart..i know i do, i want you in my life" , and then kicks me to the curb. what a joke

 

PS: the comment "he believes I don't deserve a word"...yes this is what i find very disrespectful of him. it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything to him or that everything is my fault and I don't deserve anything. :(

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What he did was cold and cruel. I'm going through that myself. One day we are together. One day, he acts as if I have some kind of contagious disease. It sucks and it's extremely painful. You can't make him be a man. You can't make him act human towards you. I believe that relationships with selfish people turn into the worse break ups possible. Think about the relationship and the red flags you might have seen, but ignored, also go for therapy. Try to be cautious next time...not mistrusting, but cautious next time, until you REALLY get to know your new bf and know that trust is earned and should not just be given away. I'm so screwed up by my ex bf, I'm in therapy twice a week.

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What he did was cold and cruel.

Why is NC cold and cruel when it's done by the guy, but perfectly acceptable - even encouraged - when it's done by a woman?

 

My point remains intact: He's NC-ing you for reasons that make sense to him. I know it's very painful, especially since he initiated the break-up, but the fact remains that NC is the best way for both parties to move forward.

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NC is cold and cruel when it is suddenly done and the person wants to know why or the person has questions. You can explain why you have to do this and answer the person's questions and then proceed to NC. When I was in a previous relationship, I told my bf at the time, if we ever break up I might have to NC before we could be friends. It's not about males or females, it's about treating someone with respect. That's what I meant. I don't think I explained what I meant before, but I was talking about NC being cruel when it is initiated in a way that is confusing to the other person.

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aloneanddepressed

What woman did that to you? Just curious. Did someone imply it's acceptable for a woman to do this? I personally don't think it is. I surely wouldn't do it. There are plenty of ways these days to communicate other then in person or by phone. Email, Instant messaging is simple. If you can't tell someone it's over that way-communicate in any way, you have MAJOR issues.

 

He gave me the silent treatment, and in my book, and think most people, would consider that a bit cruel. That is poor communication. I set around for weeks not knowing what is going on. We had fights before, and we didn't speak to each other for days, so I had no way of knowing it was definitely over, but yes when it was nearly two weeks, I realized it may in fact be over, but still wasn't sure based upon the severity of the fight. I think he had a major issue with confrontation, so it could be how he normally deals with breakups and such.

 

 

Why is NC cold and cruel when it's done by the guy, but perfectly acceptable - even encouraged - when it's done by a woman?

 

My point remains intact: He's NC-ing you for reasons that make sense to him. I know it's very painful, especially since he initiated the break-up, but the fact remains that NC is the best way for both parties to move forward.

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Some people don't want to be friends after lovers but why would a man feel that sentence to be an insult? Could you elaborate please?

I heard those famous words in MC when divorce began to be talked about as an option and I wasn't insulted at all. Here's the key: emotional detachment. Not as in being out of touch with one's emotions, but rather having broken the emotional bond with the other party. With that polite indifference comes acceptance of such words as "let's be friends".

 

IMO, such a dynamic is key to an amicable divorce, and there's a lot to be said for that in these difficult times.

 

OP, IMO, your dynamic was apparently one of you caring too much and him caring too little, relatively speaking. In a healthy relationship, there needs to be balance. I'm well aware of the caring too much perspective, as I 'chased' my wife for a number years prior to emotionally detaching. Now we get along just fine as friends while our D proceeds. She just called me today to help me out on a rental property. The key is neither of us expect anything. She's not expected to return my calls, nor I hers. Accepting that we each do what we want to do and are not beholden to the other in any way imbues a sense of calm over the dynamic. If you want calm and healing, it's up to you to be proactive in that regard. One sensitive person to another ;)

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It's hard to move forward when NC is done without explanation. People don't just say "oh, it's NC time...okay, I'll just move forward now." Instead, people wallow in confusion and get stuck in WHY! Believe me, if my ex had behaved like a human being, I would have been better off and not crying until I made myself sick, day and day because I was shocked and confused.

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What woman did that to you?

Just one of my exes during my "sowing wild oats" phase. I had visions of her being "the one" after my first wife died, but I did or said something - to this day I have no idea what it was - and she went full-on NC with me.

 

Tore me in half.

 

I, too, became angry, bitter and confused, so it's not like I'm unsympathetic. But once I got some perspective with time, it made more sense and allowed both of us to move forward instead of pining for the past.

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This happened to me a few years ago. I'd been seeing this guy on and off for a couple of years when he called me up and started a ridiculous argument. He made it all sound like my fault and then went NC. I was feeling the same thing you were feeling: confused and wondering if it was all my fault, and if I had just done A and B, then C wouldn't have happened and we'd still be together! I think maybe he'd already checked out of the relationship and was just looking for an excuse to get out, and in true ass-y fashion, managed to make you feel bad about it like it was somehow your fault. That way, less guilt on his shoulders.

Shortly after that, it occurred to me that the particular move was right in line with his character and showed how little respect he'd had for me throughout the entire relationship. Point is, I know it hurts right now but eventually you'll move on and learn from it. Trust me, I've had sudden NC happen to me twice.

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aloneanddepressed

I had been assuming the breakup was specifically related to the argument we had when I was at his house. I just keep thinking if he had at least talked to me after that, I wouldn't be feeling so terrible. Sitting around for over a week not knowing it was over. That is no fun. Last night I felt a little better about this situation, but then today I wake up with knot in stomach. I found out something else that makes me rather nauseated. The entire time I've know this person, he was portraying himself as "single", on Facebook. I didn't have an account so I didn't know this entire time. According to my friend that added him, she says it shows he has sent his share of flirts to girls on the SpeedDate thing, while we were dating that is. Well, it shows the recent activities of course. About three weeks ago for my birthday, he was asking for me to come hang out with him, and he had a present for me(which was a diamond necklace). Come to find out, on that exact day(according to Facebook activities), he sent a flirt yet again to a single girl. Of all days, on my birthday! I know this isn't as bad as flirting in real life, but the thought of him even thinking about other single girls. He acted like he loved me and all, and was doing these sort of things. I don't know why things seem so worse in the morning but I feel horrible. :lmao:

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mr.dream merchant
This happened to me a few years ago. I'd been seeing this guy on and off for a couple of years when he called me up and started a ridiculous argument. He made it all sound like my fault and then went NC. I was feeling the same thing you were feeling: confused and wondering if it was all my fault, and if I had just done A and B, then C wouldn't have happened and we'd still be together! I think maybe he'd already checked out of the relationship and was just looking for an excuse to get out, and in true ass-y fashion, managed to make you feel bad about it like it was somehow your fault. That way, less guilt on his shoulders.

Shortly after that, it occurred to me that the particular move was right in line with his character and showed how little respect he'd had for me throughout the entire relationship. Point is, I know it hurts right now but eventually you'll move on and learn from it. Trust me, I've had sudden NC happen to me twice.

 

 

Took the words right out of my mouth. My ex pulled this number on me to. Went NC, when she finally did contact me it was to lay all the blame on me. All that did for me was show me her true colors, and her kind of self centered nature. It really does open your eyes and it gives you great closure. You begin to accept that if it wasn't then, it would've happened later when you were both more emotionally invested.

 

When a person NC's you, and then contacts you, and acts an immature ass and lays all the blame on you, you'll know right then and there that they weren't the right person for you, or for anybody to be exact. They have some serious work to do on themselves, and in reality it wasn't you, it was them. So don't feel bad. I know it drives you crazy, all the why's, how's and what if's, maybe if I did this and that. But in time, those questions pass when you start accepting the person you loved for who they really are. I miss my ex alot, and I think about her. But like BWLoca, she pulled the same stunt on me. And it really just changed my view of her big time and gave me the push I needed to really get a move on with my life. I'll be damned if I'm stuck pining away for someone so selfish and immature.

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It's been about three days since I found out its definitely over between my BF and I. For the past couple of weeks, I had tried to call him, and send messages online. As I mentioned in a previous thread, he hasn't spoken to me after an argument, which is going on three weeks ago. I am aware the relationship is over, and he is done, but is this normal behavior for person to ignore someone who is trying to contact them? I have explained how that it upsets me, regardless of it being over or not, that he will not say anything to me. I told him I had some things to say, and I don't understand why he can't talk to me. I know it is over, but I feel like he is disrespecting me.

 

I would understand if his phone was the only means of communication, but he has approximately three instant messengers, Email, Facebook and Myspace, in which I've noticed he has been active on there recently. What is so difficult about saying something to a person behind a computer screen? I am not going to try to contact him any longer, but I don't appreciate his disrespect for my feelings. I'm not trying to seem like I don't/won't accept the breakup, but I think after eight months, he would at least respond and say something. This makes me so mad, and I wonder if he has lied about his feelings for me. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship anymore, but you would think he would still somewhat care about my feelings. Maybe men are different, but if was the other way around, I would send him an email at least for proper closure.:mad:

 

He's an a-hole no doubt. Even if you are mad for a couple days or a week...if you want to end things or whatnot as you said, you are behind a computer...you can take the easy way out and let this person know.

 

Anyway...do not give him the time of day anymore. Email him your feelings saying he is a coward and all that you have to say and take charge and get your own closure. Email him and move on with your life. He probably won't respond but chances are he would have read it and saw all that you had to say....and do not look back as this person doesn't even deserve a second chance. Say your piece to this fool and move right along. He will get his in due time.

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