Difficult Post, but Seeking Advice

[Perdido]

Warning: this may be a bit of a long read.

 

 

Early in 2002 I started playing an online game. Its something that literally captivated me and well, became what I spent all of my free time. I live in the southeastern US. Such games are great, you meet people from all walks of life and all aprts of the world. Well, I found myself spending most of my in game time with a friend "J". Over time J and I talked and it seemed she and I had lots in common. I had a crush on her, but she lived far away, in England. So I opted to never tell her and leave it at that. Not so easy tho because in April of 2002 she told me she had a crush on me.

 

Well, we eventually talked more and more and found out how she could visit me here in the US. As it turns out, she can legally come for 90 days at a time. She came to visit in mid June and left late August. Then she came right back in early September and left at the end of November. Needless to say, we enjoyed one anothers company.

 

During her second visit, we realized she could not legally visit so frequently. We began discussing ways to be together, and marriage came up. If married, we can legally stay together indefinitely. If she got a fiancee visa (a 6 month process). Well, we decided this is what we want to do, likely out of desperation to be together at the tiem, not for the usual reasons people want to get married. Sure, we loved each other but still was likely a bit too soon. Nonetheless, it is what we were set on doing.

 

In early December, after she'd returned home, we decided to have a lawyer handle the visa application process. To take the pressure off of us somewhat. My main focus was to get it done as soon as possible, the sooner the better ebcause I wanted her back here asap.

 

So, I daily talked about things we needed to get done, forms to complete, documents to collect, etc. I also told her how much I was missing her and how lonely I felt in my own house. I did this a lot. Holidays came and went, I was pretty depressed without her being here. Definitely not the usual person I had always been around her. I suppose to her it looked like I was dependant on her for happiness. (Note: this is me looking back at things now, relaizing how I acted)

 

It was obvious to me that she was not in the greatest of moods afetr the first of the year. I kept trying to find out what was going on for a couple days... I eventually asked her "Do you have any doubts about us?" Well that day she answered me, which was three weeks ago.. She tells me "I don't know if I should live there.. I don't know if we should marry.. hell I don't even know if things wil even work out for us together."

 

Those comments stunned me and really set me back big time. I did not know how to react. I ended up avoiding talking about it because I did not know what to say. There were stil some things we needed to get filed to lawyers for visa, and I continued to talk to her about them over the next few days. Well, two weeks ago she told me she wants to "End things' between us. I was devastated. I could ahve udnerstood if she ahd said "I am not ready for marriage". I can cope with that. But wanting to suddenly end it all just like that..... I went into extreme panic mode, literally demanding we talk about it day after day for about a week, accomplishing nothing. I am sure all I did was make her feel justified in her decision. At one point she even told me "You scare me".

 

Right now, she wants me to be her friend. She wants me to play the game that we play together. Its hard to explain, but its very much like being together for real while in the game. For me, this is unbareable. I can't tell her what she wants to hear "being friends is fine" and she can't tell me what I want to hear "We can give our relationship a chance." Yet, she wants me with her in the game. I have told her I just need to get away for a week or two. She tells me she would be bored without me around and would not know what to do. That getting away would not do me any good.

 

I dunno what to do, I want there to be some hope for us to get back together. If I go away for a while and avoid the situation, I woudl hope she'd realize how much she loves me (if she does). Or that she'd realize she is ok without me. Either is really fine, I'd just like to know. However, I'd hate for me going away for a while to be something she sees as me doing soemthing bad, bailing on her. At this point tho, I need more than a friend at her and eevry minute i spend with her online makes me more and more miserable.

 

Any advice given would be much appreciated. For those of you wondering ages, J is 22 and I am 27. I would love to somehow salvage our relationship obviously. Thanks for reading this long message.

 

 

Laters

 

 

 

On a side note... This is the exact same forum software used by the makers of that game she and I play.... I notice this as I am proofreading message

[Ally Boo]

We have a joke around my house about all of us being computer nerds.

 

Anyway, about your problem. That's asking a lot of someone...to fricken move across the world, without knowing if it could last! Hell, a friend of mine moved from Louisiana to Wisconsin and it was an act of God. That's just asking a LOT. Now, I understand that this wasn't just your idea, but I mean, she'd leave everything she knows....to be there. Frankly, she's probably had some people talk some "sense" into her. And really, I can't say that I blame her.

 

My friend moved from here to Wisconsin, but at least it was the same country. At least you know there are certain cultural things that run throughout the entire country.

 

She's probably scared ****less, and I would be too! Just give her a break, keep getting to know one another, and see what happens.

[yes]

that's so mean of her - u'r supposed to be there cuz she'd be bored otherwise, yet she's ending things. what the hell?

 

i'd disappear from her for a while. instead of ending things, she cd've said just putting off the move, invite u to visit her in England, etc. There're always better things to say than ending it.

 

good luck,

-yes

[Perdido]

Ally,

 

As for her having talked to someone, I am quite sure this is not the case. Knowing her, she has not talked to anyone. She lives with her family still, but has always told me she is not close to her parents at all. To this day, they don't really know anything about me. She has not told them anything.

 

About all they know is that she visited someone in the US for several months. Obviously they are not dumb and know she was with a guy tho heh.

 

I'd always wanted to visit there first or even moreso after (like over the holidays) but she said it just would not be feasible with her family. From what I gather her parents are having a rough go of things together and its not pleasant to be around them.

 

Reading your response has gotten me thinking a bit. Over time she has mentioned things about having no real friends or nothing to do at home, etc. I wonder if she just needs soemone to talk to and just has not had anyone to actually talk to. :/

 

 

 

Btw, I am in Louisiana as well.

[Perdido]

Originally posted by yes

that's so mean of her - u'r supposed to be there cuz she'd be bored otherwise, yet she's ending things. what the hell?

 

i'd disappear from her for a while. instead of ending things, she cd've said just putting off the move, invite u to visit her in England, etc. There're always better things to say than ending it.

 

good luck,

-yes

 

 

I dunno how to describe it. But if we are in contact with each other regularly, at some point I can't resist the urge to talk or mention something relationship related. Usually does not lead to a long conversation but I know she'd rather not hear anything. Which makes me want to get away, so that her mind can be clear of thigns I am saying and so I can just.... get away. :/

 

As it is now.. She is basically telling me she wants nothing to do with me as far as a relationship but is more than willing to babysit me while I sulk and whimper (some sarcasm here yes) about us not being together. :/

[Ally Boo]

Maybe she would find it hard to explain to her family that she was moving to the US. I would question if she even told her family in the first place. I don't understand how they would be ok with her staying in the US with a guy...and not let him come over there. Just doesn't make much sense to me.

 

What part of Louisiana? I'm in Shreveport.

[Perdido]

Originally posted by Ally Boo

Maybe she would find it hard to explain to her family that she was moving to the US. I would question if she even told her family in the first place. I don't understand how they would be ok with her staying in the US with a guy...and not let him come over there. Just doesn't make much sense to me.

 

What part of Louisiana? I'm in Shreveport.

 

 

From what i gather things are just not very good within their home. So she would rather not i go and experience taht enviroment. Trust me, I have wanted to go. She's done all the traveling, so to speak, and I have not.

 

She is not close to her parents and I know for sure she has not told them anything. Yes, she did tell me she would have a very hard time telling them she was leaving. However, she told me its not because they would be upset, its just that she never talks to her parents about anything. So having to have a serious discussion would be a bad thing.

 

 

Baton Rouge....

 

 

Laterness

[Perdido]

Decided tonight to avoid all contact with J until Sunday night. May not seem like a long time, but this is somebody that over the past year not one day has gone by where we have not talked to one anotehr within a 12 hour span. I hope this is a good thing to do.

[Perdido]

This has been the most difficult 2 months of my life. J and I have stayed in touch as friends in our game. She wanted to come back so I bought her tickets. She was supposed to be here tomorrow (Feb 27) and stay for a few months. She just told me that she is not coming. I feel so helpless. Every day is a struggle. This is awful. I just sent her an email... I am gonna copy it here. I am sure people will blast me but, I am so down. :/

 

"I don't know what to do. The past two months have been miserable. I spend a large portion of my days crying my eyes out. I need help but I do not know who to turn to. I was so badly hoping I could have you here once again. Just to see you in person would have meant the world to me. I have been crying all day and I just can't stop. This is not unusual tho, its a regular thing. I can barely even get out of the house and do anything. :/ I feel so lost and helpless. Just so miserable. There has gotta be an easier way. I want you in my life so badly. I can't cope I can't deal with this. This is no fun, it hurts. endless pain and I can't take it . I want it to end. Please help me . ( can't stop crying .. I love yo so much I wish I could make it obvious yet all I do is bring pain and suffering to you. you're not alone in the pain. I feel it, nonstop. this isn;t easy, isn;t some game to me. its my life in shambles. I am so lost without you. :/

 

I truly love you babe. :("

 

 

I cna't deal with this. :/ Thing is I can't do without her in my life.

[HokeyReligions]

Perdido, You need some serious help now. After reading your last post and the email you sent her, I don't blame her for staying away.

 

Do a search on co-dependency and read up on that and get some counseling.

 

Your life does not revolve around her and frankly, it's damn selfish of you to attempt to place such a burden on her shoulders. If my husband said something like that to me I'd have him in counseling faster than the speed of light. You have some issues that you need to deal with for your own sake.

 

I don't think what you are feeling for her is real love, and it's certainly not healthy.

 

Get some help or you won't be able to have a healthy relationship.

[Perdido]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Perdido, You need some serious help now. After reading your last post and the email you sent her, I don't blame her for staying away.

 

Do a search on co-dependency and read up on that and get some counseling.

 

Your life does not revolve around her and frankly, it's damn selfish of you to attempt to place such a burden on her shoulders. If my husband said something like that to me I'd have him in counseling faster than the speed of light. You have some issues that you need to deal with for your own sake.

 

I don't think what you are feeling for her is real love, and it's certainly not healthy.

 

Get some help or you won't be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

I staywed away from her for several weeks.. three or so.. She kept asking me to be around, be her friend. It is just something I can not do. Why does she keep wanting it? Today I told her we need to go our separate ways. She told me "It sucks that the only friend I have is going to leave me because he wants more than a friendship and i can't give him that" Well I can't give just a friendship but she insists.

 

And this.. she wanted to come back. I was elated. I bought tickets. She baited me into it ... Then at the last minute tells me she is not coming. I was not prepared for this. A lot of weight on my shoulders as well. :/

[Ally Boo]

Ok, I agree with Hokey. This is driving you to the point that you believe you are helpless. I would talk to my PCP and see about getting treated for depression. With that being said, I would also suggest that you analyze your situation (WITHOUT SITTING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN) and think about what it is that you want from her and a relationship with her. Afterwards, see if there is anything YOU can do to make that happen. Chances are, there isn't. The ball is in her court, and she's frankly not serving it. You obviously can't make her see you, you can't make her feel sorry for you, and you can't make her change her way of being. So let it go.....

 

If you really loved her, her happiness would be more important than yours. Maybe you should just tell her that you two CAN'T be friends. You are beyond the point of being JUST friends, and there is no way your relationship can handle it.

 

I feel for you. You are in WAY over your head by being in a relationship with someone at a long distance....not to mention the fact a different COUNTRY. The culture difference alone can be too much to work past.

 

I don't know what all to tell you, other than what I've said. Good luck!!

[wonderer]

offtopic, but can I ask what game you guys played together?