Bf wants a "break" to "sort through our issues" before moving forward - now what??

[Bella Jordan]

My boyfriend of 7 months and I got into a fight 2 weeks ago. It was a stupid argument that involved too much alcohol and a lot of misperceptions. He told me the next day he wanted some "space" but proceeded to text me every other day to let me know that he was "still alive" and "just sorting things out" in his head. He finally asked me if we could meet to talk, at which point he told me that he felt like (since I'm unemployed and he's struggling to make ends meet and we're both trying desperately to relocate together from the town we live in) that he felt like we have a lot to work on but that most of that work is within ourselves. He said he felt like we each needed to get our lives more stable before we could work on "us" and move forward. (We are each experiencing significant financial troubles, and this has certainly taken a toll on our relationship.) I suggested that we reconsider a "break"; rather, I offered that we try to spend less time together so as not to fall back into our bad spending habits. He said he understood where I was coming from but felt that continually staying up under one another (as we generally do) would only lead to a relentless cycle of unproductive and wasteful behavior and spending. He said he felt like we should take a break to allow each of us to get ourselves stable, but stressed very strongly that this was not for us to date other people and that he still loved me very, very much... that this would be a positive thing for us moving forward. He also tempered it with the notion that we could still "hang out" but that we should "chill a bit" until we were both "stable."

 

I'm so confused and am still trying to wrap my mind around what's just happened. For whatever reason (be it the argument or the stress he's under trying to get his new car [and other bills] paid for) he is slipping into the typical push/pull behavior. Since we decided to take a break 3 days ago, he has text me every single day: first to see what my friend and I were up to and who we were with, the next day to wish me luck on the interview I had today, asking when I was leaving and telling me to "be safe", and again this evening to ask me how the interview went. I don't know if our circumstances warrant no contact, but since this was ultimately his idea and, really, his decision, I refuse to be the one to contact him as the ball is now in his court. It really is a roller coaster.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what exactly should I expect now? I do not contact him myself because I want to respect his wishes for space at this time and because, ultimately, I want to focus on taking care of myself right now. However, it seems that there is no sign of the communication slowing on his part, however generic and breezy. I DO believe that he does still love me and that he genuinely believes that he's doing what's best for himself, as well as us. What I don't know is how to handle his communications in the interim nor how to respond to his (hypothetical) request to "hang out" at some point. I can't just shut my emotions off like that - to downgrade from the intimacy and loving affection that was being shown just a short time ago, to just "hanging out." And I've made him fully aware that in making this choice he cannot expect me to sit back waiting in the wings pining away for him - that I will continue to move on with my life and, in the event that I receive a job offer that requires me to relocate, he can and will run the risk of losing me. I DO want him to do what he needs to do to better himself and his situation, but not at the expense of my own happiness, professional success, and sanity.

 

Thoughts?? I apologize for unloading all of this onto you all, but I'm really struggling tonight.

[Exit]

"to downgrade from the intimacy and loving affection that was being shown just a short time ago, to just "hanging out."

 

That's better than those of us who have to deal with going from love and intimacy, to being dumped and ignored. It could be worse!

 

Anyways, first things first. You are permitted to make one phone call to him and tell him that you do not want to be texted every day if you two are "taking a break". Tell him that if he continues, you will simply ignore the messages, and that you don't want to hear from him unless he is ready to get back together. It plays with your emotions too much to talk on a daily basis. I think this message needs to be delivered over the phone, but if you don't want to call him, then send him a message, or an email, and let him know that he can't keep texting you every day.

 

As for the situation at hand, people are great at seeming genuine. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. If I was in love, it wouldn't matter one bit to me if we were both having money trouble, and I certainly wouldn't see spending time apart as a solution, but maybe he really thinks it a good idea. Maybe he really does want to improve himself and become more secure before getting more serious with you. There's no easy way to figure out. Obviously if you ask him if he's telling the truth, he'll say yes.

 

Oh and by the way... him asking you what you and your friend were up to seems like a bit of a trust issue. He initiated the break and now he's worried about what you're doing with your free time. And frankly you don't need to tell him what you're doing, he doesn't get to keep tabs on you when he's the one who suggested time apart. Let him worry about who you're out with and that he's going to lose you.

 

You say that you are not going to let him stop you from moving on, finding a job, etc, but do you mean that? You're still here asking for advice. You already know the answer. You don't deserve to sit around waiting for him for any length of time.

 

Sometimes taking a break can help, sometimes it is the beginning of the end. A few days apart never killed any body and you will be happy to see each other when it's over, but if it's going to be for any extended length of time, he needs to work up the guts to call it a BREAKUP, not a break. You don't get to put things on hold for months or years and expect someone to wait. He keeps talking to you because he wants you to stay in love with him.

 

A break can last one week in my opinion, and it doesn't sound like he's going to be ready that fast. Him calling it a "break" instead of breaking up was a cheap move. He wants to put you aside and take his sweet time. I might even be tempted to add this to the little conversation you're going to have with him.

[ON MY OWN]

Why some men act like this is beyond me. You deserve to not be put on a shelf and taken off that shelf at his convenience, what does he do think your a knick knack? You are a human with feelings and deserve the respect he fails to show in wanting you to turn off your on off switch? Do these men realize we are human beings with feelings?? I am going to post my situation on here later and would love to talk to you and ask that you read it, you may get something from it and if someone else other than myself can learn from my pain and some poor choices unforeseen i will bear my soul and its all worth it.

 

I have the uttermost empathy and respect for you!! I know what it is like to have your heart ripped out and left hung out to dry and would give you the biggest hug right now if i was there because you are in need of a true friend that truly understands and noone should judge you ever or tell you how to feel.

 

a counselor may be helpful as this has seemed to help me some, the rest is time and sorting things out and remaining positive and knowing I can wake up in the morning knowing i have never treated a person less then their worth. I am good with God and have a conscience at the end of the day.

 

Be very careful about the consideration of going back as my experience with 2 and so on times around has never woked, however if 2 people are open to going it has the possibility of having a better outcome that would make it worth your time.

 

It is in your best interest to make your own decisions and dont let anyone tell you how to feel, but you need to figure out if your in, out or in limbo and be fair to yourself because you are worth it and someone will notice this and end up being the lucky one!!!!

 

best of luck to you and maybe ill talk to you sometime!!!

 

 

be kind to yourself and keep a smile:D

[carhill]

OP, black-hole him for a month and see how you feel. Take charge of yourself. If he shows up on your doorstep showing in actions and words that he's ready to be a team and face life together, then listen Electrons are meaningless.

[Mike B.]

I agree with exit 100%. Sometimes people just need some time for themselves and then there are those who are looking for the escape hatch but wants to distract you while they tip-toe over to it ("the break").

 

Who do he think he is that he can put you on the shelf while he goes to do what he wants? The dominant individual in the relationship gets to pull this one off all of the time while the other sits at home wonder when it is safe to call. Don't let him do this to you.

 

Like Exit stated,tell him not to contact you during "the break." Meanwhile, keep your ears to the ground for someone who is willing to work at a relationship while others take their break. Let him wonder what you are up to.

 

A break has never solved any thing in a relationship. When you return, the same issues are there. The time spent away could have been time spent putting in work. While you don't want to smother someone and not give them time to enjoy other areas of your life, this can be done without breaks.

[LostLamb]

It's been two weeks , I don't think he wants to be with you and is too afraid to admit it. Seven months in you should be still in the lovey-dovey stage , not taking "breaks". You can't turn love off like a switch but I think you should start making plans for a future without him if he is unwilling to be an adult and have a face to face talk. Absence makes the heart forget. Your post reminds me of someone trying to go through NC , not two people who want a future together.

[NopeNah]

A break has never solved any thing in a relationship. When you return, the same issues are there. The time spent away could have been time spent putting in work. While you don't want to smother someone and not give them time to enjoy other areas of your life, this can be done without breaks.

DAMN!!! spitting(typing) fire tonight!!