Confused confused confused...

[aya]

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend after 9 months of being in long-distance relationship.

While we were in relationship, it was not until 7th month of our relationship that he allowed me to call him "my boyfriend". He never said he loves me -- all he said is that "if you ask me later on, I'll probably say yes".

 

He has bad temper, has terrible road rage, although he is very smart and very nice when he is with other people. He actually was very nice to me when we first met, until he "got" me. Once I said, "only 2-3 hours with you is enough to make me happy", then he said, "that is very bad -- that is the sign of your weakness".

 

Whenever I tried to leave him, he begged me to stay, and I thought may be he'll commit and stayed in the relationship. The relationship went so much better after that, but only for short periods of time.

 

One day, when he's back from his trip to Thailand, he said he needs "break", but he really doesn't want to close the door completely, so he said he wants to see how he'll feel if he is not under the pressure of having girlfriend. After getting upset, crying, confused, I gave it to him.

 

Then I found that, in the digital camera that he borrowed from me, more than 100 of topless pictures that he has taken during his trip -- some of them implied that he might have an affair with one girl (he deleted it but somehow I was able to open in in my computer). I called him and asked what it is, he blamed me for seeing things that don't exist, so I sent it to him. Then he said I have no right in blaming him because we are not together anymore.

 

Next day he apologized in the E-mail, and he said we'll talk in 3 weeks or so, as he is not in a good shape at all to talk to me.

 

But I really don't want to talk to him anymore. Part of me still loves him, and hopes him to change and we can spend good time together (we did have some good time together). But he says he wants to talk to me once in a while. I still like him, but I am greatly confused.

[midori]

this man is absolutely using you. Even if he doesn't think he is. Even if you don't think he means to.

 

Where is his consideration for you? Any worthwhile guy would be absolutely APPALLED at having hurt you with those pictures -- even if he honestly believed that he wasn't cheating on you while he was in Thailand because you two were on a "break." Let's face it, any worthwhile guy wouldn't have taken dozens of topless photos with his (ex?) girlfriend's camera.

 

Now's not a good time for him to talk to you, huh? So ... he messes things up and hurts you, but his primary concern is whether or not he's in the right mood to talk to you? That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old: charming and fun to be with at times, but also inconsiderate, selfish, unable/unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions (like the photos on your camera -- he tried to blame you at first!! It doesn't matter that he apologized later, his initial, instinctive reaction was to blame you!!!). Lacking in empathy. Has he given any thought to how you must be feeling right now? No. It's all about him in his mind. Why are you making it all about him in your mind?

 

I used to be in a long distance relationship with an immature, selfish guy who was sorely lacking in empathy. I thought I wanted to marry him, have a family with him. I admired his many fine qualities, and hoped that he would grow up and out of his many flaws. You know what happened when he broke up with me a couple of years ago? He went off into a melodramatic depression, refused to give me answers and basically made the break-up 100 times more difficult for me to come to terms with -- because in his mind it was all about him, his needs, his feelings.

 

You know what would have happened if my ex hadn't broken up with me, if we had married and had children, as I'd wanted? I would be the sole parent (even if he stayed with me), all responsibility for childcare and other tedious chores would fall to me. I would not be able to rely on him for help without feeling like I had to apologize for inconveniencing him. I would be married to a guy who thinks of himself first, always -- and he'd always have a "good" reason for doing so. His job would come first, his friends would come first, his recreation would come first. I would not be happy. Not with him.

 

Think about what you want from a partner. Can this guy possibly be what you want, given his obvious lack of consideration for you, his untrustworthiness, his general unreliability? Why would you want that? Especially from a long-distance relationship? And if you were thinking that things would improve once the two of you lived in the same place, think again. It's much much easier to show your good side to someone who's not living with you (or near you). Usually people's bad sides emerge once you're in close proximity to them. You've already seen many bad sides to him -- who knows what else there is.

 

He does not sound like someone worth your time, effort, energy or concern. He sounds like someone whose calls you shouldn't take, whose emails you shouldn't open, whose letters you shouldn't read. Who cares what his excuses are? Who cares what's going on with him? He's not treating you well at all, and there is simply no acceptable excuse for that.

[Swamp]

This guy is a worthless, insecure, controlling, narcissistic human being.

 

Anyone who points out someones weakness on the offensive is obviously emotionally and mentally fragile.

 

Neurotic pervert.

[aya]

Thank you very much for your advice. I haven't called him and I only E-mailed him once to tell not to call me at least for a while (a couple of months at least). I don't wish to be friends with him, I don't think I can. I met somebody really nice at the new-year eve party and we went out a couple of times. He is really nice person, and now I can appreciate it even more because of what I went through -- I think it's reward from God that I moved on. It was very painful, at first, I cried cried cried cried so much. But message from Midori (although we never met) really helped me -- thanks a lot!