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How do I do this without destroying myself?


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Just wondering if anyone could give me advice on how to break up with someone I'm madly in love with...

 

He loves me too, but he has a long-term g/f who has medical issues and a child, and he basically will not leave her.

 

I have a professional opportunity in a faraway city, and I logically should accept it, which would mean leaving in just a few weeks. (I no longer have a job here, so it would be completely irrational not to take it.)

 

But leaving would mean breaking up with him. He knows this and says that I have to choose for myself, that he loves me, but because of his situation (he knows it's unfair to me), he can't weigh in on my choice.

 

I just want him to be mine, to tell me to stay, to give us a chance! But even though maybe he would do that eventually, he is not ready to do that right now, and now I have no more time.

 

I can't imagine my life in a new city with no friends and a broken heart, though. How do I do this, when I know that if I stayed, even if things aren't perfect, I wouldn't have to break up with him?!

 

How can you make yourself break up with someone you want to stay with with all of your heart?

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Nikki Sahagin

Okay so he wont break up with her because she has medical issues? How serious are these medical issues? And is the child his, or was it a child from a prior relationship?

 

I think sometimes people are afraid to make decisions which will bring about change. They feel a sense of responsibility/obligation to their partner, even if the love is no longer there. They are then essentially cheating 3 people out of a loving relationship. Themselves - if they are no longer in love with their partner. Their partner - because they cannot love them. And the outside person - because that person is not being given 100%. Are you sure he is not using this as an excuse? I mean, when is 'the right time' to leave this woman? There isn't one.

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Nikki Sahagin

Also you break up because you use your rational mind to rule over the emotional heart. This job opportunity would be good for your life and yes life in a new city will be difficult at first and initially may intensify your feelings of loneliness but it also promises new experiences, places and PEOPLE. God knows who you will meet!

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Cloudberry

Absolutely take the job and move away! If this guy really loves you, this could be just the thing that makes him realize how much he loves you. But if he's only mildly interested in you, which is what it honestly sounds like, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, and sticking around would only prolong your frustration.

 

Plus, he sounds unfaithful and a player. Are you telling me he has 2 girlfriends, you and the girl with health issues? Maybe you should have left a long time ago...

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desertsun09

You should move! I believe you will regret it if you don't. What's the difference in staying in the same city and moving to a different one when he is not even really with you in the first place? He has a girlfriend, and a child, sounds like he will never leave her. Let him be the one to give up things to be with you, not the other way around.

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Agree with Desert. Moving to a new city may actually be the only way you two can ever be together. Even if you stayed and he left her, would you trust him to not see her at all anymore? Moving to a new city is the best thing you can do for yourself. If he loves you and can't live without you he will want to follow you to wherever you move.

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Sorry, but if he has a "long term girlfriend" it is pretty much impossible for you to "break up" with him, because he's not your bf. Sorry to be harsh, but are you seriously going to screw up your life and refuse to move forward just because you want to screw a guy who has a gf and a child??? If he wanted to be with YOU he would be, but he's chosen his gf and his child.

 

If you are unemployed, and don't have any prospects currently where you are, I think you should take the job, meet new people, ENJOY yourself, DATE, and have that be the end of it. He is committed to someone else so I think you need to move on and do what is right for YOU.

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Thanks for the input. Obviously, I know what's the right thing to do. But knowing something logically and doing something when you're attached to someone and in love isn't exactly the same thing...

 

Part of me knows that he's behaving badly. Either he should break up with her (no matter her neediness) or he should not have gotten involved with me. We've been involved for eight months.

 

The problem is that my feelings for him are stronger than anything I've ever felt -- and I have had four long-term relationships. (I am not a spring chicken.) We have an incredible "fit."

 

I almost want to throw out my whole life just to be near him, but I know that is stupid, stupid, stupid. Which is why I'm putting it out here, to hear the voice of reason from people outside of the situation. Why do we ever make life choices based on emotions?

 

Also, breaking up with someone when it *could* continue, and you want it to, takes nerves of steel.

 

I'm afraid I won't be strong enough. I know it's not so admirable of me...

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Does it bother you that he has a girlfriend? Doesn't that hurt you? Are you really happy with him? Just curious. If I was with someone whom was with someone else while we were together it would drive me nuts. I probably wouldn't even be able to sleep at night.

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Yes, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. But I know that they are not physically intimate, that I am the only person he is physically intimate with. But there is something else there, with her, that kills me.

 

I was thinking about this, and I thought (seriously) "I would rather have half of you than all of anyone else."

 

Why do I think he's so special? I don't know. We are such a perfect fit.

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But wouldn't you rather be a "perfect fit" with someone who is 100% about YOU and 100% committed to YOU, than 50% or less? There are billions of people on this planet, I have no doubt in my mind that you could easily find someone else, and maybe it wouldn't be as easy, but you could also fairly easily find someone ELSE who is a "perfect fit" for you.

 

You are allowing him to use you, and you are definitely not a "perfect fit" for him.

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Cloudberry

verywary: how do you "know they are not physically intimate"? A few health problems do not keep people from having sex. If the other girlfriend is paralyzed from the waist down, okay, then maybe they aren't having sex. But I would be really skeptical about what he says.

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Cloudberry - Of course. I'm just taking him at what he said. He said it when we were talking about something unrelated. He could obviously be lying, though I just assume he's not.

 

lora22 - I hear what you're saying, but I can't explain the feeling of being a perfect match with him. Our interests, our sense of humor, a million things. I am in my 30s and I have never found anyone this close to perfect for me.

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If he wasn't getting sex from his gf, he would be unlikely to remain in the relationship - I doubt if he is so altruistic as to stay in a relationship with no sex and let you (his only source of sex) go. Of course he's banging her; he just wants to have his cake and eat it, and he thinks he can get away with shagging both of you. He clearly doesn't care about you, otherwise he would be with you, not with her... just because someone has medical issues that's no reason to stay in a relationship with the person if you don't want them. Do you know what sort of medical issues she has, and why he "can't leave her"?

 

My advice is to take the job and ditch him, and make sure you tell his girlfriend all the details because she deserves to know that her boyfriend is a lying cheating scumbag... both of you can do a lot better than him.

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lora22 - I hear what you're saying, but I can't explain the feeling of being a perfect match with him. Our interests, our sense of humor, a million things. I am in my 30s and I have never found anyone this close to perfect for me.

I'm honestly not trying to be an a-hole, just trying to help you.

The guy that is "this close to perfect for you" has a gf? And he's not willing to give her up? There's two problems right there. I mean...you're letting him be your "perfect guy" while you're obviously not his "perfect" girl. This is not fair to you. At all. And the only person you can blame is yourself.

 

I think you can do a lot better.

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crackerjax9

i say to move and to go for that opportunity...if he really loved you he would have left her & maybe hell follow u.. u never know...and if not this will give u a chance to let go and meet new people and maybe find another guy thats a perfect fit

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