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Lies, lies, lies


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ladylazarus

Sorry for the long post...

 

Hi guys. So, my ex boyfriend of now 2 days made me promise to post on this website so that I could 'heal'. I'm doing it more for myself though, because since he's not in the picture anymore, why should I care what he thinks?

 

Anyways, so we were together for 2 and a half years. We've been broken up twice before, or rather were on a 'break'. All three breaks were due to his personal difficulties and his lack of initiative in the relationship.

 

The finality of our relationship all started when he decided to tell me a secret he'd been keeping from me for a while. He had lied to me about sleeping with a girl before we met... turns out, he slept with her during our break. Now, there are a few problems with this. First, he had sex with her basically right as soon as we went on break (impressive, i know). Second, not only did he do it once! but twice! Third, apparently, he did it because he was lonely... but see... if he was lonely, why'd he break up with me to be alone? Lastly, for both the breaks we'd been on before this one, he'd first gone out with a girl the day AFTER we decided to stop seeing each other for a bit and for the second break, he decided to sleep with a girl twice a few weeks after we broke up.

All this and he supposedly loves me.

 

The fact that we were on a break and he slept with someone else is okay... it's just the lying that makes it all wrong. See, we made promises to each other that during our second break, if we wanted to date someone else, we could. But, if we just had a random **** here and there, the relationship we had could not continue.

He obviously broke the rule and didn't tell me but instead lied and said that the sexual text messages he had been getting from some chick named 'mimi' were a coincidence and it had been almost 3 years since he last saw her.

 

He told me he lied about it so he could be with me. Unfortunately, what he did hurt more than if he would have just told me the truth.

I love him more than anything... he just took my heart out and smashed it to pieces. He led me on for months believing he was in love with me and that everything was good and moving on.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He told me lies about us being together one day and getting married.. I don't believe him.

I don't believe that the reason he broke up with me is because he needs time to think about his life and that he isn't good enough for me...

I truly believe he broke up with me because I was in the way and he wants to experience other sexual things and date other people.

 

I just can't understand why he told me things like wanting to marry me and wanting to be with me forever when he didn't mean it at all.

I know I can move on because I've been hurt before and I have been able to move past the hurtful things in my life.

 

I'm just... so empty. I feel completely helpless and scarred. He just used me to cure his own loneliness and now I'm left with the memories.

 

What should I do?

 

-Ally

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Charmaine_Champagne

i can relate to a lot of what you've said about lies. i was in a long term relationship, we've broken up now but were broken up once b4 this time also. the 1st time he broke up with me apparently because he wanted to go out with his friends and not be tied down. the real reason was because he wanted to sleep with someone else. when we go back together after our 'break' i gave him another chance. he denied sleeping with anyone during that time but he didn't know i'd found out from some detective work on a social networking site that he lied and had infact slept with a girl he met online. to this day he still won't admit it even though i've showed him the evidence and know it to be true.

 

many men want their cake and to eat to too so they will tell these kind of lies. he probably lied because he didn't want to lose you and he knew that it would be over if you knew the truth. but why is he only coming out with the truth now?

 

you need to go NC.. just think of him with her and that should repulse you enough that you won't want to break your NC. I wouldn't just assume that he used you because he was lonely though as he spent a long time with you. it just sounds like a man who doesn't quite know what he wants, or he wanted the best of both worlds. but he will realize his mistake in time and eventually feel alot worse than you do now.

 

he has repeatedly lied to you and so you could never 100% trust him again and just keep telling yourself you deserve better and are better off now that you are away from him. from what i've read i think you already know deep down he is no good for you but it seems you are having trouble coming to terms with the deceit/lies and lonely feelings rather than missing him specifically. i would just try to keep busy, go out with friends, etc and just be thankful you are now away from such a deceitful liar. we can't be responsible for other peoples actions so please don't beat yourself up about it.

 

sorry if my advice is crap. i could just relate to parts of your story. i'm 100 days NC now and i still feel a lot of the negative feelings you mention but it will get better.

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ladylazarus

thanks for replying! your advice means a lot and it does help, trust me.

 

what does NC mean?

 

i am completely torn. i dont know whether to love or hate him, whether to hate or cherish our memories and whether to believe him or not... it's so difficult because i do not trust him.

 

hes been talking to my friends, who are his friends as well (one of the downsides of a long term relationship- your friends become his)

anyways, he told them that he hasn't been so depressed and cried so much since he left his hometown in egypt when he was 13.

if that is true, then thats saying a lot and i can maybe believe that he DID love me and DID not mean to hurt me.

he told me that he slept with the girl twice because he thought it would help him forget me.

i cant understand that... not even one bit. we were supposed to get back together eventually, so why would he want to forget me?

 

im really sorry to hear that a similar thing happened to you... it just doesnt seem fair. guys and their stupid brains.

 

how long did it take you to be... okay?

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nc is no contact

 

i like the fact that you said that you posted for yourself; it is for you not for him. 'us' is gone, now you must focus on 'me' and 'me' and 'me'. you have to look out for number one. you do not need a man to validate who you are. my X broke up with me after 4 years through an email. he told me not to call him, not to text him, not to contact him in any way. i felt like dying, something i think i still do. it gets better - slowly and slowly- it gets better. how old are you? be glad he had the decency to end it now instead of prolonging it, it may seem like a better option now but trust me it wouldnt have done either of you any good longterm. they always say never forget but you can forgive - i like to live my life with that motto. use the thought of him sleeping with another girl to stay away from him, you need to not talk to him for a while. there is nothing wrong with you. he is a douche for lying to you thats obvious but hes a guy and guys have weird reasonings. like i said focus on yourself. i believe the number 1 reason for failed marriages is one person going through a crisis because they believe they didnt 'experience' life. its stupid and i dont get it because i believe sharing your life with somebody you love is the most rewarding thing in the world, but i also believe that everything happens for a reason and if it wasnt meant to be it wasnt meant to be. but also, if its meant to be things will have a way of working themselves out. right now, you need to disconnect from him and focus on making yourself happy on your own. we come into this world on our own and guess what, we leave that way too. dont just post on this site, take a good hour to read through the breaking up and coping forums and see what people say, lots of very good smart mature people on here even though im new.

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