Sad Christmas

[pinkroses]

I found out Christmas Eve that my relationship of a year and a half is not going to last. My boyfriend and I have ended up wanting different things in the future. When we started out he wanted someone to grow old with, he wanted to eventually marry and be a family with my son. Although I had my doubts, things looked that way for a while. But particularly since we moved in together I've been disappointed by things and have not felt loved. For the last couple of months he's been pushing me away, emotionally, more and more. He's turned into someone completely different than he was even six months ago. He seems bent on self destruction and he's sabotaging the relationship by pushing me away through lack of affection and verbal abuse.

 

It will take a month before I can get re-settled back in the state I used to live in. I'll have to start over with a new job, and find a place to live. I know it's for the best but it's never easy to watch hopes die. This was the worst Christmas of my life. The only people I felt like being around were my mom, my sister and my son, but I had to go to my aunt & uncle's house and be around my happy, married cousins. I was alone six years between my divorce and this relationship, and I got so tired of feeling like the old, lonely spinster cousin. Finally last year I had a special someone with me (he was a year ago). Now I'm back to where I was.

 

It is murder being in the same house with someone and not being able to relate to him the same as before, and not trying anymore, just giving up. He says his feelings haven't changed, he still loves me as much as always. Yet he'd be just as content living alone. I feel as though he can take or leave me by his actions. How can he act as if nothing is different, when everything is different to me? When someone tells you it's not working out and they are encouraging you to leave, even if they are doing it nicely, it changes feelings. There's no point in being together if two people are not working toward the same goal. Not to sound selfish, but my needs are not being met in the relationship and I think I owe it to myself to have a chance to be treated better, and find someone with a heart that's open to my love, not closed.

 

Nonetheless, I'm hurting so much. I really wanted this to work out, and for a long time I thought it would.

[Tony T]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It sounds like it all started way before Christmas. It does make the holidays a lot more lonely when you're relationship is sour.

 

But things do get better. There are happier times. You are so correct, though. If someone doesn't make you feel special and loved, if they aren't putting a proper level of energy into the relationship, you have no choice but to move on.

 

Luckily, this didn't happen after you married him. You have to understand that dating is a gamble and people...their feelings and behavior...are always subject to change. It's a fact of life. If I would have put the world together, I probably wouldn't have done it differently, though. If everybody knew exactly how a relationship was going to turn out in the longrun, they wouldn't be nearly so interesting...and they probably wouldn't last as long because life would be so boring.

 

Go figure!

[Just A Girl2]

Dear pinkroses,

I was so sad for you, as I read your post. I guess it sparked in me, the very same feelings I had a few years ago...when I was with someone who turned out to be anything but the man I fell in love with.

 

In my case, he went out of his way to portray himself as the kind of man who was ready to settle down...and not just ready, but willing and ABLE! He had 2 little girls (that he had joint custody of), I didn't have any (still don't), but I began to love them a lot and we felt like a family.

 

For the first few months, until we moved in together, he was extremely attentive and romantic and thoughtful and seemingly sincere and genuine. I felt so blessed. I had such hopes for all of us, as a family. He portrayed himself as a good, loving, kind and fair man.

 

Ha.

 

Prior to him wanting me to relocate to live with him, I brought up the topic of my "requirements" for us as a couple......things that would have to be agreed upon in advance, for me to move in. We had to work as a 'team'.....which meant sharing chores, housework, grocery shopping, yardwork, balancing time alone with time with his children, etc etc. He swore up and down that not only would he contribute his fair share, but heck, that he'd treat me like a queen (not that I wanted that or expected that).

 

Well, about 2 weeks after uprooted myself and all my possessions (an entire household of furniture, appliances, you name it) to live with him, things changed in a very abrupt way.

 

He *refused* to lift a finger to help with anything even remotely related to housework. He refused to make the odd meal (not talking a gourmet meal, I'd have been happy with a baloney sandwich or Kraft Dinner) because "he didn't have to do that when he was married so why should he start now?".......he expected me to be the babysitter of his children so that he could go off for the weekend golfing......the little romantic gestures were a thing of the past. (when I asked him about this, his resopnse to me was "Now that I have you, I don't need to keep trying." !!!!!!!). I begin to see his true colors......controlling, domineering, condescending, a poor communicator, would withhold sex if he didn't get his own way about things, etc etc.

 

Talk about a shock. It was like he was some stranger. This just wasn't the man I'd fallen in love with.......this just wasn't the man who told me I was his "best friend."

 

It felt like being sucker-punched.....and what was even more upsetting, was the fact that he simply didn't give a sh*t, OR, he didn't see there were any problems. It was basically "his way or the highway" and if I didn't like it, tough beans for me.

 

I'd invested many months with this guy. I packed up my home and relocated to be with him and his daughters. I fell for his BS. Ugh.

 

I tried to 'get through to him' but either he couldn't be reached, or he just didn't care. After 1 month, I was making arrangements to move out and away from him. A costly venture, financially and emotionally.

 

He even had the nerve to still say he loved me. Yeah, well actions speak louder than words.

 

So anyway, I can really relate to what you're going through......and I wish there was something I could say to lessen your deep disappointment and sadness. I know it sounds very trite, but time will heal your heart..........and know this: he was obviously not the right man for you.....or your daughter. THere is someone out there, who's waiting for you, and your paths will cross when the time is right.......(and not before)......and he will treat you like the gold that you are (you and your daughter).....honest!

 

Hugs

JAG2

[pinkroses]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, it helps to hear how someone else coped. I hope your life is much better now.

[pinkroses]

To go along with the topic I just posted, things are at a point where I need some advice about what to do. I found out Christmas Eve my relationship wasn't going to last, but then I came back home and my boyfriend had apologized and he was acting much nicer. Nothing was going to change my mind about leaving, but at least, I thought, in the meantime we could be civil to each other. I was actually at peace inside for two days. My son is out of school and will be here with us for a week, and I was feeling okay about things. I figured I'd try to live "normally" for another month, while I made arrangements to get back to my home state.

 

Well, I don't know if I can wait. Tonight my boyfriend treated us to a movie, and it turned out to be too frightening for my eight-year old son. When my boyfriend realized he was scared, he suggested we leave. I said we didn't have to, my son was okay covering his eyes on certain parts, (even though as a mom, I was contemplating taking him out or standing in the back of the theater---I wasn't sure what to do). We were on the second row, so it's not like we could keep getting up. Well, at first I thought my boyfriend was being considerate, but then when we got out of the theater he suggested my son and I go on home, he wanted to be by himself and would find his own way home. What the F???? I asked what the heck was wrong, and he couldn't give me an answer, he just acted mad as hell. He ended up taking us home, and he's been sitting here at home ever since, but I took my son back out to a store, just to get away from the a**h***. Then we came back home, and I decided to write you guys for advice.

 

This jerk even cancelled out on his daughters, having his Christmas with them tomorrow---and is undertoning it's somehow my fault. I did NOTHING WRONG!! Anyway, I don't think this jerk is going to live peaceably with me, even for a month. Every single thing I do is wrong. I've been nice, in spite of how rotten he's treated me, just trying to get by. I just can't stand it anymore and I don't want my son in this environment. I am thinking of just skipping out on my job and leaving him now. I'll have to find a way later to get my furniture. I don't know what to do. Should I bite the bullet and know that when things are more settled in a day or two, to try to work with taking things a step at a time, or should I just leave this son of a bitch this weekend?

 

Help, please.

[Tony T]

This is a decision only you can make. You are there and you know what you can handle. You know this guy better than we do. Even though it would be better to leave a bit later, if you are absolutely miserable I would get out of dodge this weekend.

 

So make an accurate assessment of the situation for yourself. If you determine that you're much better off getting out of there right away, put some things together and get out.

[pinkroses]

for all the bad words I used in my latter post. I was very upset. I've decided I'm going to wrap things up in a month's time and be out of my relationship. At the time I first started posting on this site, I thought I had a future with my boyfriend.

[New Girl]

Dear Pink roses,

Don't be so blue. Christmas is just a few days on the calender. It will get better next year. I think you've been very brave to call it quits abnd move again. You shouldn't have to take that kind of confusing rubbish from anyone.

 

I had a weird time this year with a guy I was going out with who would not commit. he was a HUGE passive-agressive sulker.

I ended the relationship earlier in december. It's pretty rough but at least i won't be taking all that stuff into my glorious new year. Chin up girl. Best foot forward and just tell yourself what a lucky escape you've had. You've spent a fraction of your life with this guy, a tiny fraction! He has to live with him forever!!!!!!!

Your whole life is ahead of you. Go and buy some bath bombs and take up running so you can get away faster if it ever (god forbid) happens again.

It's a head ---- You fill in the gaps.

Good luck and be easy on yourself.