stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 I wanna know if I'm being unethical in some way here.. Three weeks ago, my bf of 3 yrs got pissed about something and said we needed to take a break. This had been a rough relationship, we lived together more than a year, constantly fought and I was majorly insecure due to some past events. We had been talking about taking a break for a LONG time, like at least six months. I said that I felt we should break up, not just take a break. I know the guy is not the right person for me, despite the fact that I love him dearly. So we broke up, but then the same week started talking a lot again and missed each other. However I still felt breaking up was the right thing to do; BUT he only wanted to "take a break" and hopefully get back together. I don't want to get back together. So Friday we talked and I explained to him we were falling back into our routine of talking frequently, mostly b/c he's having a stressful time and needs to lean on me. I said that wasn't okay and that we need to do what we said we were going to. He got mad and hung up on me. Haven't spoken since then. In the mean time, I have been acting as if I'm single... talking to guys I have met out, giving someone my number, and now I have a date Thursday with someone I went out with several years ago. Am I in the wrong? I assume that he knows we never got back together after I said I wanted to break up. I feel badly because I know he would be hurt if he knew I was already talking to and going out with anyone else. Even though nothing is even remotely serious -- I just want to enjoy being single and meeting new people; no serious commitments now or anything. What do you guys think? Do I have an obligation to "clarify" and let him know we aren't together anymore in my eyes? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 I wanna know if I'm being unethical in some way here.. No you're not. But it sounds like you may have to stress the point again sometime soon - the point being that you are no longer going out. Then you're going to have to cut him off, no chats, no leaning on you, in other words that ever popular two word phrase - no contact (though it is usually associated with the dumpee, it works both ways). Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 I wanna know if I'm being unethical in some way here.. No you're not. But it sounds like you may have to stress the point again sometime soon - the point being that you are no longer going out. Then you're going to have to cut him off, no chats, no leaning on you, in other words that ever popular two word phrase - no contact (though it is usually associated with the dumpee, it works both ways). Thanks. I have felt like I will have to clarify things, but don't want to if it's not necessary. I don't want to, like, rub it in his face, you know? I am not usually the dumper, but I sure know how awful it feels when someone dumps you, and I hate for him to feel that way. Really do love the guy, but just know he is not the one to make me happy for the rest of my life. He text msg'd me right after posting this "Thinkin of ya" and now I guess I will just ignore the text? I don't really know what to say. Don't wanna lead him on by saying "ditto" or anything, and certainly don't want to reinforce the dumping over text msgs! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 Do I have an obligation to "clarify" and let him know we aren't together anymore in my eyes? no, you don't owe him ****. just as there are no hard and fast rules to getting together there are no rules to breaking up. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 No, you told him you were broken up. Go live your life, don't worry about what he thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 Ha -- alpha and sotired clearly must be guys. Typically I do feel I can do what I want, I just don't like hurting people. I SUCK at breaking up with people. I avoid it like the plague. I'd rather someone else break up with me, but this guy won't do it. I truly believe that deep down he knows we're not right either, but he would let it drag on and on and ON AND ON.... So I had to do it. The other bad news is that he still has some of my stuff at our old place -- laptop, vacuum, some furniture. At some point I will have to talk to him and I'm NOT looking forward to it. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 LOL! Everyone thinks I'm a guy....But I'm a girl Get your stuff quick! It being at his place gives him a tiny shred of hope that you'll come back. Best to cut all ties now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 Yeah -- see I can't get my stuff right away. Some of it I will have to add to my storage unit, but I will have to get a bigger storage unit and hire movers; plus he may be moving too and wants to buy some of the furniture. Blegh, breaking up just sucks no matter what end you're on! I so don't want to hurt him. I am not a mean person! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 While I understand not wanting to hurt someone, it will rip his heart out if you're not straight-forward. Imagine what he would be feeling, believing you're on a break, then seeing you dating around. Imagine how betrayed you would feel, if the shoe was on the other foot. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 I SUCK at breaking up with people. everyone sucks at it. join teh club Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 While I understand not wanting to hurt someone, it will rip his heart out if you're not straight-forward. Imagine what he would be feeling, believing you're on a break, then seeing you dating around. Imagine how betrayed you would feel, if the shoe was on the other foot. This is exactly why I feel so guilty and conflicted about it. I want to be sure I'm being on the up-and-up; I would hate for this to be misconstrued as "cheating" or something. However, I also don't want to call him or see him and be like "Hey I just want you to know 100% that I dumped you and it's over, because I'm going out with someone else on Thursday." You know what I mean? I honestly don't know what he thinks right now. If he understands we are broken up, I don't want to bring up the subject. But if he doesn't understand that, I do want it to be clear. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 Free will comes at a price. While you are free to dump him and date whomever you want, he's also free to not like it and hate you forever. It's a trade off that most people dont want. A lot of people just want the other person to feel exactly the same way, thereby sparing them any guilt. (like how you said you wanted him to dump you) Problem is, this guy obviously still wants more than you do. By being there for him, and falling back into your dating routine, youre actually doing both of you a huge disservice. Youre giving him false hopes, and a shoulder to lean on thats going to dissapear. You want to date other people. The ONLY thing you can do is cut him out for good. If need be, explain why you need to make a clean break and leave it at that. If you do make a clean break, he's probably going to be upset but eventually accept it and respect you a lot more. If he feels like youre using him or leading him on, he's never going to want anything to do with you, and you can pretty much forget about getting anything back from him without a court order. You cant have it both ways, if youre broken up, act like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Juristhea Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Cut him off completely. Go incommunicado. It's draconic, I know but there's nothing you can do that's remotely close to dignified when it comes to making him move on. I'm glad that you're moving on and all, but with you still talking to the guy, it's like you're dangling a dog treat in front of a starving dog. When I broke up with my fiancee a year ago, I had to completely cut him off and went incommunicado because he was always in touch with me and that was difficult for me to move on with him always texting or emailing me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 all's fair in love and war Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Share Posted April 28, 2009 UPDATE: So after discussing this ad nauseum with friends & family, I decided I definitely need to make everything clear & official, and also needed to get my stuff back. My sister & her husband said I definitely owed it to him to talk to him face-to-face. He called me last night to invite me over to "hang out" with him & his roomies, so I took the opportunity to go talk to him. At first I thought it would be easy and he wasn't going to fight me on it. I felt more upset than he appeared to be. Then when I finally left he starts texting me, calling & begging me to come back and not to break up with him. It got so bad he even asked me to marry him. Obviously I said no. He kept me on the phone for several hours. I had to start being mean even, which I wanted to avoid. But he just won't accept that my feelings have probably permanently changed for him. I don't feel like he's the right person for me. Anyway he wouldn't get off the phone and kept saying he was going to come over to my house. So finally I told him he could call me on Sunday but that was it. He kept begging for another chance, and I'm like even if I said I was giving you another chance it wouldn't be real, because it's over in my mind & heart. I agree with the posters who said to stop communicating with him, but what if he won't accept that and starts showing up at my house and stuff? I don't want to be cruel but I feel like he's forcing me to be. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Tell him if he shows up at your house, you'll call the cops...and do it if he comes over and refuses to leave. Be firm and make it clear there are consequences to his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stace79 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Share Posted April 28, 2009 I sincerely hope it never comes to that. I would hate to have to treat him that way. I can't blame him because I acted this same way when he broke up with me about two years ago -- crying, begging, basically making an idiot of myself. At least now I understand firsthand that acting this way really doesn't help your cause at ALL. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 It sucks when someone is that broken by you leaving. But that's life..people break up....stalkerish type behavior doesn't have to be tolerated. You don't owe him anything...You've tried to be sensitive to his feelings, but don't let him manipulate you into continuing allowing him to contact you. Hope everything goes smoothly for you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Juristhea Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 The guy clearly has dependency issues, at the rate of how he's always trying to get back with you. The best thing that you can do right now is to go out of town for a few weeks, change your phone number and vanish completely from the guy's life. That ought to change his dependency on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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