* * after 2 months no contact ex texts & says 'i miss you'

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i'd been doing NC for exactly 2months when i get a text from my ex yesterday that just says 'I miss you.' it was sent a 4am in the early hours of sunday morning so i'm assuming he'd been out drinking on the saturday night, started getting sentimental (or else had a sh*t night) and decided to text me. his birthday is in afew days so i assume he was out at the weekend there celebrating it and maybe actually did miss me, considering this will be the first birthday in 6 years that i haven't been there for. on the other hand he may not have been out at all and that's why he texted, feeling lonely on the weekend approaching his birthday. who knows. but 4am is a weird time.

 

he ended it with me (see other threads for the whole boring story) but basically we were first loves, been together 6 years and back in Feb 09 he started ignoring me, acting weird, avoiding me, pretending he wasn't receiving my msgs etc etc. i asked him to be honest and tell me what was wrong, he still ignored me, played mind games etc. i took the hint that he didn't want me around but hadn't the guts to tell me and so i went NC. i heard very little from in the 2months NC, apart from 2 texts msgs in the month of march- one of which was blank. i didn't respond, i felt this was attention seeking, wanting to test the waters with me but without having the guts to say sorry and admit he'd done wrong.

 

Anway.. so i get this 'i miss you' text and part of me feels happy because i miss him so much and i had been torturing myself for ages wondering does he think about me, does he care, how can he just cut me off like that, etc. but now i don't know what to do! i haven't responded to it so far and my friends/family have told me to remain silent. but his birthday is in 2 days. should i text him?

 

we were together a long time and so i would eventually like to speak with him, to hear his side of the story and have my say cuz the way it ended was so confusing, i was left in limbo and i do feel i would like to speak with him even just to get closure. i feel maybe further in the future we could be friends as he was a big part of my life for so long. but i don't want to communicate through texts and i feel that if he really wants to make proper adult conversation with me a text at 4am is not the way to go about it. he should call me sober at a normal time of day and if he really misses me i feel that he will.

 

so do i wait, ignore the text, remain NC and see what happens?

or do i text him on his Bday? or use this 'i miss you' text to open the door to further contact?

i don't want to just look like a doormat, that he can ignore me for two months then text 'i miss you' and i will come running. I know if i ignore his birthday it will prob hit him hard but he ignored me on valentines day and for two months thereafter. I am worried that if i don't answer him now he will never be in contact again and i would like to speak with him at some point. i still love him but i know he has treated me like crap (and not for the first time) so i know that i'd be an idiot to take him back. but i'm not over him, i miss him so much and think about him all the time. i dunno how the hell i've been strong enough to remain NC for two months. i have almost drunk-dialled him so many times but luckily i had no credit on my phone or my friends have stopped me from making a fool of myself.

 

so any thoughts? or have any of you guys had 'i miss you' type messages before?.. i am also aware that 'i miss you' doesn't mean 'i'm sorry, i want you back' so that is why i'm inclined to say remain NC until he phones me, calls to my house etc. but i'd like to hear outside opinion on this one so hit me with it...

[bubblegum]

Everything you said is exactly right. He's doing the absolute minimum to see if he still has you under his thumb, which is how he'd perceive any type of communication from you on or around his bday. The good news is, he's not so sure he has you under his thumb because he texted you before his bday, to hedge the bets in his favor.

 

I realize that you have questions and would like to get some answers from him, but I highly doubt you ever will. So calling up and attempting a conversation, let alone a meeting with him, would be fruitless.

 

I'd ignore him, and see what he does next to get your attention.

[a_f_w]

This doesn't seem like sufficient contact from him to justify a response, in my opinion. If he wrote a longer message to you at some point then that would be worth considering, but this is just a quick and empty text that really doesn't mean that much. He knows that he can speak to your properly if he wants, presumably he has an email address for you, or could post you a letter if he wanted?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yes he has an email address of mine and i feel he could call me up if this was really bothering him. also he knows where i live, where i work, etc. i realize he may not know how i'd react after so long or he may not have the balls to call me but if he truly missed me and was sorry and really NEEDED to talk with me he would call. you are right he has done the bare minimum.

 

i should also point out we have been broken up before and got back together. he dumped me before and hurt me so much. i went NC that first time too. after a month or so he started sending short emails and texts but the more i ignored him he began actually begging me, pouring his heart out in messages to me and eventually he called me and i agreed to see him. he begged me, literally for months to take him back and eventually i gave him a 2nd chance because i missed him and felt he was sorry. i don't know if it will pan out like that this time or not. but whether or not he runs back after me i think i'd be a fool to give him a third chance.

 

i don't want to play games either and this isn't about wanting attention, it's not about wanting him to chase me but i can't be a doormat that just jumps at the first (possibly drunken) text msg that i get. there is also the possibility that i could respond now and he would reject me or go back to ignoring me. that is why i feel it is best to remain silent and see what happens & to see, like you say, what he will do next. ideally i would like him to call me but i don't know if he will ever have the guts to do that as he may not want to admit wrong.

 

do u guys think he is just trying to open the doors to see if i wish him a happy birthday? and do you think he will care if i don't. i think i am going to remain NC and he will have to try alot harder if he wants to talk to me. he may well have missed me that weekend but i need to hear more. am i being unfair??????

 

Anymore thoughts on my 'i miss you' situation??

[sugarmomma]

You say he dumped you and treated you like crap many times? His ego just needs to be stroked that is why he texted. Be strong girl!! I would ignore his azz, his text and his birthday!!!

 

You deserve better and a man will go as far as you let him. If he wants you for real, let his azz come back right.

[Truly Lost]

I don't know if a "Happy Birthday" text will initiate any contact, but it is the bare minimum and implies that you would like him to have a good day. You both have a long history with each other, so I don't think a B-day greeting will make you a doormat. If you do send that text, make sure it is all you say. It really tells him nothing except "Happy Birthday". You are thinking about him, that's the truth. A Happy B-day text doesn't translate to "I'm miserable without you and desperately want you back." You are the better person and, if anything, it will make him feel more guilty for what he has done to the relationship you both had. I had to deal with this situation last month and sent my ex a text saying "Happy Birthday", which he replied, "Thank u". That was it. This of course was because he sent me a "Happy Birthday" text on my b-day a month previous. Which I too replied, "Thank you".

 

As his birthday grew near my anxiety grew more with deciding what to do about the birthday text thing. I decided to send it and I didn't feel bad about it. Had I not sent that text, I would have been constantly wondering to myself what would have happened if I had. I didn't want to be consumed with that thought. So I did. It was harmless and I have no regrets.

[Ingenue]

Charmaine, your experience sounds similar to mine. I dated a fella for 5 years. He dumped me over email. He was already dating some new woman a week after the break up when he was "too emotionally devastated to talk to me". I implemented NC. About a month later, he sent me an email telling me that he wished me a happy birthday and that he missed me. If I were you, don't bother responding. I didn't.

 

When I eventually spoke to my ex 6 months later, he admitted that he sent the "I miss you" email and birthday greetings because he was missing me and regretting breaking up with me. At that time, his new relationship was hitting a rough patch and I suppose he thought he could message "old reliable" to see if I was still available.

 

The text is a fishing expedition meant to stroke his ego. He wants to insinuate himself into your mental thoughts without actually having to commit to anything. He wants to know that the slightest text, the most insignificant words can unsettle you. Why give him the satisfaction. If he truly missed you and wanted to reconcile, he wouldn't be sending a text message. He'd tell you blatantly.

 

After break ups, I think we all feel this sense of insecurity that if we maintain NC, our exes won't remember who the heck we are. He won't forget you. You were a significant part of his life. Maybe your ex is hedging his bets. Perhaps he's testing the waters. But until he sends you a message worthy of a response and not something he took exactly 2.5 seconds to compose, it's not worth sacrificing your respect and dignity for. You've done so well with NC. Keep up the great work.

[madgun68]

Anymore thoughts on my 'i miss you' situation??

"I miss you" and "I want to be with you" are two completely different animals.

 

You already know what the right thing to do is.. Stick to NC. Never settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.

[gavinus]

stick to NC, my ex contacted me, i met her, nothing changed, I now have to start again, be strong you can do it!!

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks for your responses everyone. the majority of people i've asked on here and also my friends/family have said ignore the 'i miss you' text (which i have) and also ignore his birthday (which i'm still undecided about).. his birthday is tomorrow and as it approaches i'm feeling very anxious because i just want to know i'm doing the right thing. Is the right thing to do in my situation ignore it?

 

i can relate to what Truly_Lost has said about the thought of 'what if' ..if i don't wish him happy birthday and then i never hear from him again will i look back and wonder what would have happened if i had. bare in mind i would eventually like to speak with him to get closure and we were together a long time. so now he has 'opened the doors' to contact should i take the opportunity to contact him or would it simply be an ago feed and show him i'm still thinking of him despite how badly he treated me?

 

on the other hand i can relate to what the rest of you guys have said about maintaining NC because he really is just giving me crumbs off the table and doing the bare minimum to get my attention. i feel if he wanted to talk to me he should phone, but i do know he is a coward, he broke up with me in a cowardly way and right now he is probably afraid to call. so he is sending very short messages because he doesn't want to run after me & i feel he is still testing the waters at this stage.

 

i can relate to what Ingenue has said too, our situations seem quite similar. I have a feeling my ex was fooling around with someone else as we were breaking up- or else he was about to once i was out of the way. i have no proof of this other than his actions towards me at the time and my imagination has run wild. but i feel he must have had someone else lined up because once i went NC it didn't really seem to bother him overly so i feel he was otherwise occupied with something and i know a friend of his uses the internet to hook up with nasty girls behind his g/fs back. i may be wrong about my ex doing it and i am just guessing but i wouldn't want to send him a 'happy birthday' and for all i know he could be with another girl.

 

my fear is if i ignore his birthday it could just push him further away and i'll never hear from him. but on the other hand he ended things with me in a very cruel way and did very little when i went NC for two months. i would hate to text him on his bday and have him just ignore it. i would kick myself for breaking the NC. deep down i know i was right to ignore the 'i miss you' text and i THINK i'm right to ignore his birthday.

 

maybe i'm just a nice person that can't bring myself to be as cruel as he has been. the thing is i don't know what he has been up to or why he wanted to just dispose of me, i can only guess/torture myself with that. so i don't want to be making a fool of myself by reaching out to him on his Bday if he has cheated on me for example. BUT at the same time i can't deal with him being a complete stranger and i would hope in the future we could talk any maybe be friends or atleast talk and get closure (after 6 years).. if i ignore his birthday am i ruining my chances of ever seeing him again or speaking with him in the future?.. if he wants to speak with me he'll call, right? or will me ignoring his birthday make him too afraid to call?

 

i would eventually further down the line like to speak with him. but it would have to be him who makes the move. i feel if he really misses me he should call me, not send a text. so my gut feeling is to ignore his birthday and see what happens. will it push him away and confirm to him we are over? or will it make him miss me more and try to contact me more avidly (like an actual phone call rather than a text).. who knows?.. i just need to know i'm doing the right thing!

 

if he hadn't sent the 'i miss you' text i wouldn't have heard from him this month so i wouldn't have wished him a happy birthday but then i sent that miss you text 3 days before his birthday, is this a sign that i should wish him happy bday?

 

any thoughts???

[Truly Lost]

You know, everyone on here wants you to be strong and ignore this guy, but the truth is, you can't right now. He consumes your toughts. He is probably the last person you think of when you go to sleep at night and the first person you think of when you get up in the morning. This is OK and normal. Your grieving. Acceptance is the key to moving on in your life. You aren't at the acceptance stage yet, because you are still wondering what you should do to communicate with him. You don't want to screw up your chances of a reconciliation. Trust me, you haven't screwed anything up. He did.

 

The question is "why" are you doing this? He let you go. He should work to get you back, if he really wants it. Believe me, he would if he did. I've learned with every break up, being the dumper and the dumpee. Relationships are complicated, but if your company is something he is pushing away, then take it for face value. I mean.....think about it....would you push him away if you really didn't want to. He is pushing you away for a reason. None of us can tell you what that reason is, but he did it. Let him work hard to get you back. Think and pine all you want...you'll eventually get sick of it. Try to meet someone new. It will really help a lot. Good luck and I'm sorry you are hurting. I know all to well how that feels.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

the thing is he never said to me 'your dumped i never want to see you again' but he ignored me and played mind games until i took the hint and left him alone and by doing this he was trying to place the blame onto me so that when i went no contact it was like i was the one ending it.. and ever since i've wondered did he definitely not receive my msgs (he pretended not to be getting my texts and emails) but i know deep down that he did because if he was so worried he would have called me. it was all a game to place the blame on me and his cowardly way of ending it.

 

and i think that even now after 2months has passed he doesn't want to admit his guilt and say sorry and if he called me he knows i would ask questions. i just feel am i to blame because i went NC, should i have tried harder to get an answer from him in the first place but i was texting and emailing him and getting no reply, i even called to his house at one point. i think he wants me to chase him even now, he wants me to do all the running so he is sending these little texts to see if i take the bait. at the same time i have no doubt that he must really miss me, ofcourse he does we spent 6 years together. but i think i should ignore his birthday. if anyone agrees/disagrees i'd be interested in your thoughts

 

i'm worried about sabotaging a chance of talking in the future. me not contacting him on his birthday will probably send the msg to him that i don't care (this is not true) however, you are right it is up to him to make the moves to get me back and so no matter what i do, if he really wants me he can make the effort.

 

if i ignore his birthday when he says he misses me will this make him want me more??

[Ingenue]

Charmaine,

 

I mulled the same question about wishing my ex a happy birthday as well. What would he think if I didn't wish him a happy birthday? Was I pushing him away? But one of my friends gave me the sanest and most rational piece of advice that I thought I'd pass to you. She told me, that I didn't have to worry about pushing him away with my (in)actions because in his mind, I had already been pushed away through his rather calleous dumping method. The same applies to you. He may not have directly told you, "you're dumped". But his actions certainly did.

 

Why, my friend asked me, was I even mulling wishing him a happy birthday as we were not friends but ex-lovers. She thought it strange to continue to do all the "relationship like" things like wishing a happy birthday but not engage in any conversation especially given the recent break-up. You haven't spoken about the break up or spoken so why do this? The last thing she said to me was, "Ingenue, if you want to wish him a happy birthday, wish him a happy birthday. But if you're using the pretext of wishing him a happy birthday to attempt to open a dialogue, don't even bother". She was right.

 

After that conversation, I decided not to wish him a happy birthday and I haven't looked back since.

 

Your fella is even more of a coward than mine. Your choice of NC was the only option given the way he "ended" things. Do not doubt your strength or your choices. No matter what we say, the decision rests with you. The problem is that you're still weaning yourself off of your ex. It's only been a few months since the break-up. Many of us have been there, in that exact position. If we do X what will our exes think. If we don't do Y, what will our exes think. You've said yourself that your ex is a coward and his dumping method even more cowardly. Why would you want a man who in a tense and difficult time, becomes ugly and disrespectful? If your best friend did what your ex did to you, would you still be considering these questions? I know that if one of my best friends did what my ex did to me, I would have no problems implementing NC and stating that my ex-friend was selfish. Birthday or otherwise, there wouldn't be any future communication

[bubblegum]

Wow, great post Ingenue!

 

Listen to what your friends and people here are telling you, everyone is in agreement for a reason. Ingenue has laid it all out so nicely, think about everything she's said. It's clear that you are seeing things accurately, by how you lay out both sides of the "what if" questions. But you are torturing yourself thinking that anything you do or don't do will really matter.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thank u all so much for taking the time to read my (rather long) threads and thanks for your responses, they make alot of sense. it seems that everyone is in agreement here, saying the same thing and i think i know deep down that the right thing to do is not contact him on his birthday and remain NC. i am someone who thinks too much and over-analyses things though so i have been torturing myself with the 'what ifs' But i've decided not to contact him and thank u all for supporting me cuz in a weak moment i may have done something stupid and texted him but i feel stronger now. i have actually been speaking to my mother about this and she said to me ''DO NOT DARE CONTACT HIM!''.. and out of respect and love for her alone i'm going to be strong and not do it lol

[openbook08]

just adding in a quick message of support to you CC

youre so strong and playing a blinder

its just another day , stick with NC

YOU are number 1. now

[9Lives]

Dont feel bad. I would have been doing the exact same thing. Only because I still care. If you didnt care you would just call,,,wish him happy birthday and not worry about the outcome. He may respond, he may not but either way, it would not be any skin off your back. Until....it dont matter what he does or doesnt do....I would just chill. You still care alot. I do too so I have to keep my distance. I dont want him to hurt me anymore.