Fear of commitment??

[Ayla]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is the first time I have done this. Feels a littel strange - but here goes....

 

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago. It came literally out of the blue. To be honest I thought we were really happy. I am quite atune to people and their actions, and even now I can not recall any signs. We have been living together for just over a year in a country that is not our homeland.

 

A week before we broke up, i was visiting family in the home country and it was rather emotionally draining. I told smsed him and told him it has made me realise how good we have it. he replied with "We may not be perfect all the time, but no one is, But what we have is better than most xox"

 

2 days before we broke up we were away for the weekend and we were talking about the holidays that we were going to take in the next year, about my job etc etc - all future stuff. Sex, cuddles, holding hands etc etc. The night before we broke up, I said to him that i wished we talked more. He said that he was happy with the amount we talked, and some of the stuff I talk about is not interesting to him and vice versa.

 

The next night - out of the blue he said he wanted to break up. he had feelings for me but would prefer to be single. He did not have to be responsible to someone, and did not want to compromise and thought we had nothing in common. He knew what he wanted. He insisted that i stay the night as it was quite late. he cuddled me and when I woke him during the middle of the night crying he was comforting.

 

The next morning I started packing. He was working form home in the morning and came into talk to me. We both had a cry and he said he was not sure if he was doing the right thing, but thought he would be better off single. He would stay in a hotel and I would stay at our place. he left for work about 2 hours later crying.

 

4 days later, 1 day before I was leaving the country, we agreed that he would come over to our place at 10am. At 10.20 I got an sms saying that he was running late and would be there around 11. At 11.20 he still was not there. he eventually turned up at 11.45. He was so cold and mean. A completely different person had taken over. He had not told anyone that we had broken up, even when they had asked how I was he said that i was good. I left telling him that I loved him and that I only wanted him to be happy. He left me a note saying "I hoep you can get through this. What does not kill you only makes you stronger". What happened to the person he was just 7 days before???

 

Later that day i found out that he had slept with someone the night before and that was one of the reasons he was late. Apparently it was just sex - but how can someone do that??? Did I really mean that little to him? I spoke to him and told him what I thought - that he was a selfish bastard who should be embarrassed to be the person he is.

 

it has now been nealry 2 weeks. I ahve left the country, I have not heard from him at all. I stupidly sent him and email yesterday saying I miss you. Happy Easter - but that is all.

 

How can someone change so much with no signs in such a short period? How can you be with someone for nearly 2 years - and just not care? I knwo this is some form of fear of commitment - but it hurts so much. I am now heading back to my home country with no job, no money and no home. Thankfulyl I ahve great friends.

 

Sorry about the long post. Let me know your thoughts.

[Darkness7]

First of all I'm sorry that you're going through this and that you are feeling so hurt at the moment. I know there is nothing I can say to make things better for you.

 

I don't think people can just 'change' like that. He wouldn't have been with you for that long if he didn't really love you and care about you. It is quite possible that he is just confused and doesn't know what he wants at the moment. Sometimes when you're not ok in yourself, then you find it very hard to be with someone else and love them...do you get what I mean? You don't have the 'energy' in a way to be in a relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you anymore. Maybe all he needs is some time away from the relationship so he can sort out his head. (My ex-fiancee is doing that at the moment.) Taking a break from a relationship is not always a bad thing, it depends on the nature of the relationship and how strong the bond is. It can make people realise how much they really love each other and that all they want is to be together.

 

Sometimes it also happens that little things build up and then it comes to one big 'explosion.' Had there been any problems in your relationship? Even minor ones? But even if that was the case, it doesn't mean all hope's lost. He might just need time away from you to appreciate being with you again.

 

As much as it hurts right now, give him time and space, it's the only thing you can do. Anything you do/say is just going to push him further away and make him think he doesn't want to be with you. It can well be that he is 'trying to tell himself' he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but he can't lie to himself forever if that's not how he is truly feeling. Like I said, give him some time on his own. Try not to think about what he is doing or worrying about what he might be doing. Try and have faith in your love and that things will work out. If you give him a chance to miss you, then he might realise that it's you he wanted all along. He can't miss you if you're still 'there' all the time, drop off the face of the earth. Don't text him, don't call, don't email, don't check his Facebook, etc. If it's meant to be, he will come back, trust me. You need to be patient now and not break NC. That's the only way there is a chance for you to get back together. I wish you all the best.

[Ayla]

Thansk Darkness7 - I hope your Fiance works their stuff out. One thing I forgot to add is that when he finally admitted to sleeping with someone else - he said that he did not love me....again not what i was feeling 7 days before or 2 days before breaking up! Not sure if that was something to push me away as well.

 

In regards to problems - 4 months prior to this we almost broke up - but didn;t. But we had been working together and living together and I left my job so that we could have something separate - and I really thought it worked and that we as a couple were much happier! The main problem is that although he is good in actions - he is not good in words. Communication is a little problem. He thought that cos he didn;t want to say certain things - like "you look nice" - didn't mean he wasn't thinking it or showing it in other ways. But you know - occassionally a girl needs to hear things like that. He didn't think he should have to - and therefore didn't. Funnily enough - I am not a mind reader.

 

Will have to see what happens - but I would love to stop the hurt and for him to overcome whatever it is.

[Darkness7]

Thansk Darkness7 - I hope your Fiance works their stuff out. One thing I forgot to add is that when he finally admitted to sleeping with someone else - he said that he did not love me....again not what i was feeling 7 days before or 2 days before breaking up! Not sure if that was something to push me away as well.

 

In regards to problems - 4 months prior to this we almost broke up - but didn;t. But we had been working together and living together and I left my job so that we could have something separate - and I really thought it worked and that we as a couple were much happier! The main problem is that although he is good in actions - he is not good in words. Communication is a little problem. He thought that cos he didn;t want to say certain things - like "you look nice" - didn't mean he wasn't thinking it or showing it in other ways. But you know - occassionally a girl needs to hear things like that. He didn't think he should have to - and therefore didn't. Funnily enough - I am not a mind reader.

 

Will have to see what happens - but I would love to stop the hurt and for him to overcome whatever it is.

 

He might just have said he doesn't love you because he was too ashamed/proud/hurt or whatever to admit he felt bad for sleeping with someone else. People can get weird like that and say exactly the opposite of what they feel when they 'panic.'

 

Maybe you can consider going to couples counselling if you do decide to get back together? It might help him communicate more easily with you as you need that for a good and healthy realtionship. I know it hurts so much when you can't really tell what the other person is thinking and they won't talk to you about it. (Been there!)

 

I think all you can do is let him know that you are there for him and that you will support him if/when he needs and wants your help. Otherwise, give him space and time. Try and fill your days so they won't feel as empty. It will get better! Hope you have a good Easter.

[Ayla]

Or he meant it and just does not care about me at all - and thinks very little of me. It has been 2 weeks since I saw him/heard from him last - does he not care about how I am doing???

 

If we ever get back together I will suggest couples counselling. But right now with me having left the country it is not possible.

 

Trying to fill my days and get my life back in line. Happy Easter to you too.

[Darkness7]

Or he meant it and just does not care about me at all - and thinks very little of me. It has been 2 weeks since I saw him/heard from him last - does he not care about how I am doing???

 

If we ever get back together I will suggest couples counselling. But right now with me having left the country it is not possible.

 

Trying to fill my days and get my life back in line. Happy Easter to you too.

 

My ex fiancee hasn't contacted me in almost a month now. I really doubt he really meant that and maybe he's pushing you away because he's unsure of how to react. People do weird things then sometimes. 2 weeks is not a long time, so I'd give it more time before worrying too much.