how to stay friends after a long-term relationship

[sadndead]

I got myself into a mess.

 

Living together for almost 10yrs, 6yo kid, recently found i want out.

 

I was 19 when we started, i was crushed by 2 previous failed attempts at relationships and when she came along she won me over with all the love she gave me. We don't really have much in common, but I guess I was blinded by her affection and never really thought if she was the one or not. No one ever made me feel that good so I ended up stringing her along and letting it roll. I never really had a girlfriend before, so I think I loved her but don't really have a comparison. Now I think something's missing.

 

Now we share a house and are financially dependent on each other. We have a kid and our schedules make him dependent on me in the morning, her in the afternoon. I'm having second thoughts about our relationship but feel trapped, unable to physically leave. I don't want to dodge my responsibilities, I love them both and want to be a part of their lives forever. But with my wife I feel like I want to be her best friend, but not her lover.

 

After 10 years, I feel I've become a different man than the one I want to be.

 

I'm never alone, I need that.

 

I'm a bit overweight. I need to get back in shape, start eating well and go to the gym.

 

I need to invest time in finishing the book I started last year, perhaps even start a new one. Dedicate myself to my projects.

 

I need to develop new social bonds, meet new people that I relate with. When we started dating, we cut off with all our friends. I realize now that other than my business partner I don't really have any friends that I can relate to.

 

It's like every day I just drop off the edge of the world after I leave work. I go home, eat, go to bed, watch a bit of TV, sometimes have sex (very occasionally now), sleep, start over. It's like all this time I haven't really taken anything from life. I look at people around me, what they do, how they live, and find myself boring as hell.

 

I ended up telling her I was having second thoughts. She was devastated, convinced there's another woman in the middle of this. Now she's pretending everything's ok, praying that I get my head back on top of my shoulders and things return to normal. She thinks I may have cheated on her and am being manipulated into dropping out of marriage for a new relationship.

 

Now I'm trying to find a way to end things on a good note, to turn from lovers to friends. On a practical level, the only solution I see would be for me to move into the guest room, sharing responsibilities like always, the kid, finances, but each of us having his/her own space. Does this make any sense? Is something like this possible? Of course this wouldn't be forever, and we'd have to come up with rules about everything, like dating and such.

 

I really don't know how to approach her, how to deal with her pain, what to suggest, what to do. I've never felt so lost in my life.

[EmperorR]

Have you thought about a marriage counsellor?

 

10 years is a long time, and it looks like through communication etc the relationship can still be salvaged.

[Ronni_W]

I'm never alone, I need that.

I'm a bit overweight. I need to get back in shape, start eating well and go to the gym.

I need to invest time in finishing the book I started last year, perhaps even start a new one. Dedicate myself to my projects.

I need to develop new social bonds, meet new people that I relate with.

It's not clear if you're suggesting that all of what you're missing is due to your relationship obligations and responsibilities.

Or if you're recognizing that it is more that you and your wife haven't figured out a schedule/strategy that'll help each of you to "do your own thing", from time to time?

 

Sometimes we tell ourselves "stuff" -- crap, really, that sounds something like, "If only this was this way, then I would do that."

You are making choices to watch TV instead of go to the gym, or do a bit of writing, or develop your social network.

 

It's not easy. It may been getting a babysitter more often. But it's also about self-discipline and making better adult decisions that will support and encourage BOTH you and your wife in your individual pursuits.

 

Other options include a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.

[sally4sara]

I got myself into a mess.

 

Living together for almost 10yrs, 6yo kid, recently found i want out.

 

I was 19 when we started, i was crushed by 2 previous failed attempts at relationships and when she came along she won me over with all the love she gave me. We don't really have much in common, but I guess I was blinded by her affection and never really thought if she was the one or not. No one ever made me feel that good so I ended up stringing her along and letting it roll. I never really had a girlfriend before, so I think I loved her but don't really have a comparison. Now I think something's missing.

 

 

I really don't know how to approach her, how to deal with her pain, what to suggest, what to do. I've never felt so lost in my life.

 

So your plan so far is to go back to stringing her along till you can find a less messy way of getting out?

 

Have you even tried going to counseling? You don't take on such heavy responsibilities and then decide you've outgrown them and leave. A kid and wife is not the same thing as a career. Go see a counselor to help you figure out how to make the life you already have run better.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm a bit overweight. I need to get back in shape, start eating well and go to the gym.

 

I need to invest time in finishing the book I started last year, perhaps even start a new one. Dedicate myself to my projects.

 

I need to develop new social bonds, meet new people that I relate with. When we started dating, we cut off with all our friends. I realize now that other than my business partner I don't really have any friends that I can relate to.

 

It's like every day I just drop off the edge of the world after I leave work. I go home, eat, go to bed, watch a bit of TV, sometimes have sex (very occasionally now), sleep, start over. It's like all this time I haven't really taken anything from life. I look at people around me, what they do, how they live, and find myself boring as hell.

 

Nothing's stopping you from fixing this stuff now. So what do you think is stopping you? Don't tell me SHE's the one stopping you, because if you did you'd be lying like a rug.

 

So get off your ass and start working on yourself. Within your relationship.

[sadndead]

First of all thank you all for your replies.

 

I wrote an arm-long post and somehow didn't mention this: I've been tempted more than once, but never came to letting anything happen. In these times, and perhaps more importantly sometimes even when no other girl was in the picture, I thought to myself "do I really want this?". I sometimes get the feeling I'd be happier with someone else, someone I'd better relate to.

 

I now think that I never really told myself she was the one.

 

I have the feeling that I "could" make it work, but I just can't get past the feeling that I'd be going back to what made things the way they are today. It's like trying to change the very core of our relationship, change everything but the person. It feels forced and too hard. It's an effort I don't know if I'm strong enough to take.

 

I know I am supposed to do everything within my power to save this relationship, but I just don't see it ever making me fulfilled.

[Sleveless]

Those sound like some pretty profound realizations. I think you've put some really serious thought into your relationship and have come to the conclusion that right now, it's not great. Counseling could do some good, but (correct me if I'm wrong) I think both parties would have to genuinely want to resolve issues in the relationship and put it back "on course".

 

How long have you been feeling this way? I'd have to suggest that, if it's been 2 years or less, it might be a bit early to go through the motions of a full blown divorce.

 

As far as these other personal projects... you know, your life is what you make it. Like Ronni said, you could easily replace TV time with writing your book, or going for a jog. One of my friends is a journalist/novelist, and he actually started a writer support group. Does one exist in your area? It would be a good way to meet new people.

 

As far as the actual relationship goes... I'd encourage you to be more transparent. Tell her you're starting to panic, and that you just don't feel the same... god knows women do that to us enough! Tell her that you've been tempted, but have never done anything that would violate your marriage. Just put everything on the table instead of carrying it on your back, and ask her too tell you how she's interpreted the relationship for the past x years. If things get too much into the "I love you, don't leave me" stall, ask her when she started noticing you weren't happy, what were the signs that she noticed, why did she think you were sleeping around? Sometimes circular questions like these can make people process things that they typically would shy away from.

 

I'm not sure if you really want to maintain this relationship in the capacity it's been for 10 years, so I'm not going to tell you things will get better. At the same time, if she is as invested in you as she sounds, perhaps a friendship isn't enough for her to get a satisfactory emotional return when compared to not having any relationship at all.

 

I hope everything works out for you