the ultimate guide to breakups

[flash582]

I had to repost this message I found on the best of craig's list ... I thought it was an excellent message:

 

You can smell it coming. Your paramour has left an ominous message on your voicemail. S/he wants to talk. Perhaps you have been invited to meet him somewhere public. Maybe she's cancelled a date, and is meeting you at your place instead. But you're not an idiot and you can anticipate what's next: your ass is about to get dumped. C'est la vie.

 

Here is your foolproof guide to navigating your breakup. Follow these simple directions and I can guarantee a minimum of stress and heartbreak. If you desire, this technique will ensure your probability of reconciliation is maximized. Want her back? Listen well:

 

1. On the day you get the news, listen very calmly. Say as little as possible. You will probably hear some BS like, "It's not you - it's me" or "I just need some space for a while" or "let's still be friends"... blah blah blah. Do not argue. Accept everything s/he says. S/he may become emotional. Make no move to comfort him or her. When s/he has finished, do not linger. Say goodbye and leave. If you are in your own home, show him or her the door. A chaste hug is OK, but under NO circumstances should you offer or accept a goodbye kiss, a final quickie, or any of that ****. If you're at a restaurant, do not hang around to split the tab: guys - pay the bill and leave. Ladies - just bail. There is no need to be sterile or brusque, by all means be courteous and kind. Understanding even. But wait until your (now) ex is out of earshot to cry like a bitch.

 

If you get the news over the phone (ouch), the same rules apply. Just hang up.

 

If you get a voice/email message, DO NOT respond. Chances are a relationship that ends electronically can't be salvaged, but don't make things worse by taking the bait.

 

2. The bad news is, this is the hard part. The good news is, this is the part of the Ultimate Guide to Breakups over which you have the most control. It is the centerpiece of the method, and your stamina during this phase will determine your success later on. Want the secret? Here is is:

 

DO NOTHING.

 

At first you will be sad. Possibly very sad. Get out of the house. Distract yourself. Hang out with your friends - preferably the ones your ex doesn't know too well, because s/he will be checking up on you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you contact your ex. For anything.

 

Chances are after a few days s/he will contact you, "just to see how you're doing." Do not respond. Let it go to voicemail. Don't call back. Delete the email. It's that simple. It'll be hard, but hang in there. Don't let your curiosity get the best of you. You are under no obligation to respond to someone who has kicked you to the curb.

 

Maybe you've been together for a while and s/he has left personal items in your home. This is the only circumstance under which it's ok to respond. Wait at least 24 hours before you reply. Tell your ex that you will FedEx his/her stuff. Pay for the fastest method you can afford. If s/he insists upon picking it up, leave it someplace safe and make sure you're NOT there when s/he arrives. Make your interaction courteous and brief. Get off the phone as quickly as possible.

 

If you do not receive a call within a month, you probably won't get a call until s/he drunk dials you many years from now. Move on.

 

The sooner s/he calls you after dumping you, however, the better your chances are for reconciliation. Again, do not call back. Stay tough. You are now in control of the situation.

 

3. The sooner the first post-breakup call comes, the more calls/texts/emails you will likely receive. DO NOT RESPOND to any of them... yet. In these modern times you may also be privy to his/her evocative facebook updates, blog posts, reality TV show episodes, whathaveyou. Make no contact. If you absolutely must be in the same place at the same time, try to look fit and happy and surrounded yourself with people s/he doesn't know.

 

Right around this time (unless you were dumped for someone else) your ex is beginning to experience the downside of singleness. S/he may be feeling lonely and horny, and start wondering if s/he made the right choice. That is exactly what you want. Let him/her ****ing stew in it. Your patience will be rewarded.

 

4. By now, your ex is curious about you. Maybe s/he's even been seeing some new people. But the fact that you have made a clean break with such poise will be a blow to the ego. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. S/he will be thinking, "Was I really so easy to get over?" and "Gee - maybe it really WAS me." If you've done this right, you will receive a call (or email) inviting you to "hang out." Perhaps the tone will be casual, perhaps it will be desperate. Either way, congratulations for getting this far. The ball is now in your court.

 

5. Proceed carefully from here. Eagerness could lead to a booty call, but little more. Ask yourself: what do I want? If you want to resume a relationship, wait 48-72 hours before responding. Say you're unavailable at the time your ex suggests, but recommend another meeting time at least a week in the future. You name the place. From here on out, everything is on your terms.

 

6. Let nature take its course. If your ex is ready to give it another shot, s/he will be dressed like it's a first date. If the sexual tension is palpable, you may choose to knock boots and sort out the details in the sticky afterglow. If you can contain yourself, feign trepidation and ask him/her to meet you again - also in a place you select. Build anticipation. Make him/her work for it. If executed correctly, your ex will be so grateful to have you back s/he will be on his/her very best behavior, possibly for years to come.

 

7. Repeat as necessary.

[alphamale]

dude, this is all common knowledge

[drummerprince81]

I did not follow these steps. I had no idea she was going to break up with me, it was out of the blue. I was a blubbering mess really. However, she did contact me then a few days later and she agreed to meet me. When we met she hasn't changed her mind but then we talked. I didn't accept what she was saying because none of it made sense and I convinced to her give us another go. The next day she changed her mind again and wanted to break up. I backed off...and give her loads of space. I eventually contacted her breaking NC to test the water and she seemed to be okay with the situation. I still believe we were meant to be but I have to accept its over now. We were both each others first love. Do you think I screwed things up?

[tkgirl]

that was on Craig's list?

 

yea, while it is "common kowledge" like alphamale said, it's something we all could use as a reminder... it is was pretty funny too! I think I'll C&P myself.... kinda wished I had read that during my last break-up (see my recent post!)

 

anyways, thanks for sharing it!

[silverfish]

Yep - 2 weeks too late for me. I did pretty much the opposite of all this stuff, talked him into getting back with me, but got dumped again on friday. I hope I can salvage some self respect by doing all this stuff now.

[Alex_M]

hah i wish i'd have known this, oh well.

[alwayssme]

I completely did the opposite of all that but even those who have followed that still didnt get a reconcilation...

 

 

Rules dont apply to the heart and there is no way to get someone back who is no longer in love with you. Perhaps it is a blow to the ego for them but nothing more. Who cares about their ego anyway? And even though i cried and begged and was the WORST at this, Im not going to regret how I acted. (it does embarras me though) but I have been NC now.

 

 

People will sit here and overanalyze everything, a text message,a phone call....the way they act around their ex..when it really doesn't matter. if you're doing it to HEAL and keep your dignity, thats fine..but if you're doing it to get them back then thats just not right.

 

 

I wish I would have kept my dignity but it was almost impossible at the time for me...I dont regret crying the first or second time but dear Lord, I complitely became a mess for months and we were friends so him and his whole family got to see how broken i was.... But it just showed how much I loved him, he hurt me bad and now I have moved on with my life. Is there really shame in tears and showing the one you love how much they meant to you once they left?? NO!

 

 

However next time, I will just leave without tears...lol...Lesson learned!

[electriclove]

I did the complete opposite to this too. I did everything you're NOT supposed to do when you break up with someone...beg, plead, sob, get angry. Even worse I kept repeating the above for months!

Why was this posted on here 6 months ago!?

In all honesty though its unlikely that I would have followed the above advice because I read several articles like this in the aftermath, even printing them off to have with me at all times, and still struggled to adhere to what they advised!

Like alwaysme says, when its happening to you at the time it's very difficult to lead with your head instead of your heart when your emotions are so strong. I think if I'm ever so unlucky to have to go through another break up like this, I'll be pretty t'd off but hopefully I'll know how to handle it better!

[joop]

Is there an ultimate break up guide for long distance relationships? Where relationships usually end either on ph, text or email. Approach from there?