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its been over for so long but its not over in my heart AT ALL


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I kept a journal in the first few months and I was reading it earlier...umm woah...EVEN ME the person who wrote that...looks at it like "wow calm down girl"...Im bout to just rip off some pages because they sound SO DEPRESSING and filled with hurt...

 

 

I mean if I can read my thoughts and feel awkward about how depressed I sound, imagine what others would think about feeling like this?

 

 

Now i KNOW it's over but my heart doesn't want to accept that. I swear it hurts just as much (ok LESS obviously) but the point Im trying to bring across is that it hurts very bad. Time passes but nothing changes with how I feel. My love for him DOES NOT fade..not even a little bit..not at all.

 

 

I wrote a post earlier about us being "strangers" now. Although I know we're NEVER strangers with our ex'es and that we ARE in their memory, we are special to them and always will be...Deep down, something tells me different...Something tells me...although i live in his memory, he doesnt sit there and think of our times together, he's over them...he has moved on..and that I'm not that special to him because if I was, I would still be in his life...I'm someone who WAS special to him, but not anymore.

 

 

And it shouldn't matter because once it's over, it should be over. But to me it doesnt feel like that. The memories of him are still so fresh, its crazy. I remember everything. I went to the park yesterday just to think and to talk to a friend of mine and it felt like nothing had changed. My heart is still with him and He is constantly on my mind.

 

 

Now tell me, how is it that I just cant seem to be able to let him go? I know there was soo much baggage and things I want to say, but he has locked the door on me and I dont think I could get in..

 

 

I see it. I feel it. WE'RE OVER!

 

 

So why do I still hurt that he ignored my birthday and text messages? Because we promised to be friends...Once you're broken up, do you have to not talk to each other anymore? Is this 4 real? That's it? No more talking to him or nothing? For Ever??

 

 

It's hard to grasp and it has got me feeling weak, hurt & dissapointed.

He was texting me before but I ignored it in order to heal...Then I apologized for it and told him I did that out of hurt and he didn't respond.I feel torn up about this whole situation...at times Im okay, but overall I have cried soo many tears over him...which is crazy, because i have never cried this much..sometimes there's this pain that i feel deep inside me...i long for him...i want to hug him and hold him and see his face or just hear his voice...i dont like that feeling!!!!!!!

 

I was thinking about writing him a message or a text or calling him to get things off my chest...but I always keep in mind that while its raining on my heart, it is sunshine in his...And who knows if he has a new girl? You know I dont want him reading my message and feeling 'annoyed" or feeling pity and some type of other negative feelings towards me...

 

 

 

Also he has never been heartbroken before and is not really the emotional type, basically Im assuming hes very happy and doing great...Im not just saying this but I highly doubt he ever cried a tear or listened to a sad song after our first month of being broken up...

 

 

So Im afraid of writing to him because of how he might react...and also if he doesnt respond...what a better way than to say I want nothing to do with you...I didnt want to make the message all *emotional* but I did want to express myself and get things off my chest...However I dont want to talk to a "wall" either...

 

I really dont want to seem pathrtic and I know that telling him how I feel would make me seem that way and like Im still thinking about him and EVERYTHING (which is true) but I really feel like I need to get some things off my chest...I regret not responding to him..I should've had and probably would have made it easier to tell him everything I want to say...but then I think about it? What would come from that? He still wouldnt come back...BUT perhaps I would feel at ease knowing that he KNOWS everything, that he knows Im sorry for things I did and that certain things he did hurt me......

 

 

I dont want to be strangers with him. I know most of you would disagree but I would much rather have him as a friend than as a stranger. However I do not want to force nobody. That is why I have been NC for so long now because i EMBARRASED myself so bad the first few months.....

 

 

What is your advice?? Keep up the NC or try and talk to him?? Keeping in mind everything I described...

 

 

Also sometimes when I go out, all I can think about is him....I know I sound like a crazy person, trust me, I KNOW THIS...lol...but thats how I feel....my logic pulls me together sometimes, simply because im EMBARRASED for feeling this way....but I dont know how to stop missing him??? Sometimes I fight with myself about this because I feel like an IDIOT...and people tell me Im being overly sensitive (some people) and a few others say they understand because it is hard to lose the one u love...but overall Im still like this....Its insane to have one person in your mind from morning till night everyday...Blahhh!! Im sick of myself too...Maybe I need to see a therapist cause is it possible to think of ONLY ONE PERSON for the whole day?? then dream of them soo much?? im not obsessed although it may seem like it...but i just want to be with him..or have him in my life and talk to him because he is the ONLY one who truly understood me and who made me soooooo happy!!!!!

 

 

Also the fact that he kept on texting me, made me think we were freinds and now that he ignored me i fee like hes doin it because he is mad at me for ignoring me...or he just simply doesnt care to have me in his life....

 

 

 

 

 

UHHHH!! Somebody talk some sense into me......I definetely need to see a psychologist dont I??? lol

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I'm sorry you feel so bad. IMO the best thing right now is to remain in NC. Your feelings are too strong now to even attempt contact or friendship. If you really truly want to be in his life as a friend, wait, and wait and then wait some more until you don't feel anything romantic. Once you can truly wish him the best with another woman, and really mean it. Then and only then should you contact him and start building a friendship. Funny thing happens though along the way. Once you are over him and hopefully dating someone new and exciting, the thought of contacting him and being his friend may not sound as good to you.

We have all been where you are, and it sucks, no doubt. Let yourself mourn, cry, get it all out. Accept that it's done and work on moving forward without him. You can always reconnect down the road as friends, if you still want to. For now, stay away and stay NC. It will allow you to heal quicker and get back to the great girl I'm sure you are. Good luck, were always here to talk.:)

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I'm sorry you feel so bad. IMO the best thing right now is to remain in NC. Your feelings are too strong now to even attempt contact or friendship. If you really truly want to be in his life as a friend, wait, and wait and then wait some more until you don't feel anything romantic. Once you can truly wish him the best with another woman, and really mean it. Then and only then should you contact him and start building a friendship. Funny thing happens though along the way. Once you are over him and hopefully dating someone new and exciting, the thought of contacting him and being his friend may not sound as good to you.

We have all been where you are, and it sucks, no doubt. Let yourself mourn, cry, get it all out. Accept that it's done and work on moving forward without him. You can always reconnect down the road as friends, if you still want to. For now, stay away and stay NC. It will allow you to heal quicker and get back to the great girl I'm sure you are. Good luck, were always here to talk.:)

 

 

 

Awww thank you!!

 

Telling him I still love him and reminding him of our good times would only make me look pathetic right?? I dont know why I want to tell him how i feel sooo bad...like i almost hope he would feel the same, knowing he wont though...cause like this i feel invisible to him..

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If you have already told him how you feel, then yes, it would look pathetic. If you have not laid it out there, then maybe you should talk to him one more time and lay it all out there. If you really think it will make you feel better, then go for it. But, only say it once and never again. Sit him down, tell him exactly how you feel and what you want and then leave. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. After you do this, you will feel better for a little while and then probably worse than you do now. The most important thing is if you think you need to do this to heal, do it and then walk away, disappear, vanish and leave it in his court. Don't sit by the phone, wait for emails, just move forward without him and feel like you have done all you could. If that is not enough, so be it.

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You're definately not crazy. I still think of my ex day and night. Its rare that a minute passes without me thinking of him. I also have difficulty going out with friends and having a good time. I'm usually feeling down and it doesn't make me good company. My friends have been really good to me and can sympathize. I hate that before we split I was more intellectual, paid attention to the news and what is going on in the world. Now, I'm trapped in my head. I hate it. I want to stop caring. My relationship with him didn't work. Its over. I'll admit that I am getting better, but still got a long way to go before I'm indifferent. I don't cry as much anymore, but inevitably I'll do something that reminds me of him. Sometimes I start laughing at something on tv and then say to myself, "hey wait a minute, you can't laugh because you lost someone you love". Its stupid to say that, I know, but thats what happens when I'm in this state.

 

Anyway, whatever you do...DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! It will only set you back. If he wants to work it out with you, he will call you or get in touch somehow. I've noticed that some people experiencing a break up will resort to thinking that their ex is waiting eagarly by the phone for your call. They aren't. Most of the time I think they are surprised when you do call. Its not a game. A break up is just that. I've asked my self this question a lot, "How many times did you crumble when you broke it off with someone?"

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paddletennis

I think the main reason you can't get over him is because you are spending so much time wondering about what he's thinking, doing, feeling, etc. You are wasting your energy and time doing this. You have NO idea what he is doing, feeling, thinking. And it does not matter. Tell yourself when you start wondering about him: "it doesn't matter" over and over again. He is not in you life anymore. You are the ONLY person you should be thinking about. Think about getting out, hanging with friends, working out, throwing yourself into work/school, volunteering. Do things that move YOU in a positive direction. The only person holding you back is youself. Get out of your own way.....

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As Fox has said, breaking NC is not a good idea, particularly when your feelings are still so strong. Let's be honest, you want more than friendship, despite thinking it would be better than nothing. You simply cannot be friends right now. Maybe down the road when you have healed and no longer have such strong feelings, but now is not the time.

 

We've all been where you are, and know how hard NC is, and you can rationalize to yourself that some contact is better than none. But those who have broken it, even to send the 'letter' of how they feel, rarely come back with anything other than more disappointment and heartache.

 

You need to heal, and you cannot heal if you are in touch with him.

 

And talking to a therapist may help, someone to express all your thoughts to, who is not connected to the situation, and can try and guide you to some healing and understanding. There is nothing wrong with this at all.

 

It's a tough road, but you will get through it.

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rainbowbrite

one word. CALL!!! thats what i did, and now i have him calling me! and this was just yesterday. so see what happens, chances are they feel the same. if he means that much to you, then the embarrassment and hurt if he doesnt respond won't matter that much, then to just simply try. good luck!!! xoxo

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hey :) good advice above, i can answer this from my experience>

 

"I regret not responding to him..I should've had and probably would have made it easier to tell him everything I want to say...but then I think about it? What would come from that"

 

 

when you contact them and say stuff, they will respond. you will feel good about what you did but then hours or days later your still be thinking on what they said to you etc. so it never ends. you will constantly be hanging on what they say.

 

so dont regret that, let me assure you !

 

and you are right, when you think about it, what good would come from it? trust me it brings more pain.

 

he knows he did wrong and im sure he knows how you feel.

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Great post by Peter Pan!! When you contact your ex it feels great.....for awhile, then as time goes by you start analyzing every word they said and in the end it drives you nuts!! I am speaking from experience, I wanna text my ex but will wait till my therapist app on Tuesday to talk to her first!! So my advice do not contact your ex because you think you are in pain now, but speaking to somebody who does not want to be with you does not hurt them, only you :)

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electriclove

I can really relate to everything you are feeling, which is sadly comforting.

It's been months for me too and still every day is such a struggle. My family & friends must think I'm pretty pathetic and that I should be over it by now. When I think about it logically I agree; I know it's crazy to spend so much time thinking about someone who probably barely thinks about me in return.

 

But I know contacting him is not going to solve anything. I've reached out to him several times since the break up and poured my heart out to him. All I've got in return was pity and it sent me right back to where I started, when we first broke up. Like everyone else has said, you think reaching out will make you feel better but it normally has the opposite effect. The only positive thing I got from contacting my ex, was the knowledge that I had tried everything I possibly could to salvage what we had. I don't have any regrets about the way I acted.

If you do contact him you need to be prepared for how he'll react. If he acts cold and indifferent could you handle it?

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well we did talk and i told him i forgive him and we had a good conversation..im not pushing the friendship thing though but im not going to stick to NC like its some miraculous cure when i believe doing NC to an extremem can hurt more than cure anything but everyone is different...im not going to stress it, if we talk..we talk..if not then i'll still be fine. anyway thanks everyone!

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You are not the only one who experiences this; I still think about a guy I haven't seen in a year; we weren't madly in love, but of all the guys I've met since then, none of them have made me feel the way he did...fun and beautiful. It actually gets more and more frustrating with time that I haven't found that feeling again. And to have him back in my life, is not an option for me what so ever. I still think about that and struggle with it when I do.

 

You said that the journal indicated you were hurt and depressed, then that he was the only one who made you happy...does the journal make it sound as though you were happy? It could be you only think that because you miss him...and it's perfectly normal to miss people that might have even done nothing but cause us pain. But did he really do what you needed to be truly happy...

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You are not the only one who experiences this; I still think about a guy I haven't seen in a year; we weren't madly in love, but of all the guys I've met since then, none of them have made me feel the way he did...fun and beautiful. It actually gets more and more frustrating with time that I haven't found that feeling again. And to have him back in my life, is not an option for me what so ever. I still think about that and struggle with it when I do.

 

You said that the journal indicated you were hurt and depressed, then that he was the only one who made you happy...does the journal make it sound as though you were happy? It could be you only think that because you miss him...and it's perfectly normal to miss people that might have even done nothing but cause us pain. But did he really do what you needed to be truly happy...

 

 

he was an amazing person..hands down, honestly, not many people compare to him...he has a lot of friends because he's just a really caring person...so yes he did make me very happy...it is MY LOSS & his as well...anyway im glad i talked to him..i am not overanalyzing what was said and done...what for? there is nothin to analyze...i love my ex with all my heart and that just doesnt go away easily but Im not going to stop my life for him...I will never forget him and if one day i do move on which i hope i do, after all i am young...i know he will always have a place in my heart even if im not "in love" with him anymore, i know i will always love him or the person i once knew anyway...i love the man he once was...i dont know him anymore so cant really talk...

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he was an amazing person..hands down, honestly, not many people compare to him...he has a lot of friends because he's just a really caring person...so yes he did make me very happy...it is MY LOSS & his as well...anyway im glad i talked to him..i am not overanalyzing what was said and done...what for? there is nothin to analyze...i love my ex with all my heart and that just doesnt go away easily but Im not going to stop my life for him...I will never forget him and if one day i do move on which i hope i do, after all i am young...i know he will always have a place in my heart even if im not "in love" with him anymore, i know i will always love him or the person i once knew anyway...i love the man he once was...i dont know him anymore so cant really talk...

 

Very mature of you. It's important to hold onto the fond memories of ex's with whom you had a special connection.

My ex and I ended things nearly a year ago, and I still think of her, miss her and have mostly fond memories of her, even thought we likely will not be a part of each other lives in the future.

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