Interpretations welcome

[redmelon]

So, my ex contacted me under the guise of wanting the engagement ring back. He had already told me that he wanted me to keep it, so this was hurtful to me, and I took it as a sign that he had moved on. He sent me an email and I did reply to it, as I was advised this was not considered breaking NC, because of the circumstances.

 

I had given the ring to my parents for safekeeping when the break up happened because it was too painful for me to have it in my house and knew it wouldn't bring me anything but pain right now. At the same time, I didn't want to sell it, as it was something I designed and had a lot of meaning to me, obviously. I wasn't ready to make any decisions about what I wanted to do with it, and decided I would let them hold it until I was able to think more clearly.

 

So, when I received the email, I responded and said that my parents have the ring, and that he could contact them to get it back. He did contact them, went to their house, and proceeded to say that he never wanted the ring back, didn't realize that they were in possession of it, and decided to take the opportunity to come and talk to them, apologize for hurting them, and thank them for being so great to him and making him feel part of the family. He cried to my parents. He refused to take the ring, even at my parent's coaxing. It was apparently very sad and emotional.

 

MY question is, do you think this was a sincere, heartfelt meeting with my parents, or something done to manipulate my brain even further? He sent me a text later that night saying that he never wanted the ring, but needed contact, and didn't think I'd talk to him regarding anything else, as I hadn't been in touch for so long.

 

I have no idea what he actually wanted to talk to me about, but I was wondering if anyone can offer some guidance here, or help me figure out what has happened. I feel very confused. It doesn't seem quite normal behavior, all of this. I am at a loss to interpret the meaning, but I am skeptical to take it at face value.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Sounds like an attack of loneliness. I have to give him credit for coming clean on not actually wanting the ring back. It could be a manipulative thing to mess with your head. It doesn't seem like it though. That would be one hell of an acting job in front of your parents. Stay NC! Let him sweat it out. You did the right thing.

[Island Girl]

Hello redmelon.

 

He is missing you. He was desperate for a reason to get in touch. He even went so far as to go talk to your parents because he knew they'd tell you the whole of what happened.

 

He is very confused emotionally and as you know he doesn't handle his mood swings appropriately.

 

You may expect more of the same. I venture to say you are the closest person in the world to him still and although he called off the engagement that was done in the heat of the moment. So while he may still feel his reasons were valid, he still can't help the fact that he still cares for you. So while his emotions run rampant he is feeling longing and loss along with bouts of anger and resentment.

 

I'm afraid it is not going to be easy with him because he is in need of medication and intensive therapy. It is my understanding he is not doing either.

 

The best thing you can do is expect him to contact but it will depend on what he is feeling.

However, the best course of action for you is no response.

 

Just stay NC to get your world back together. He shattered it with his sudden decision which has left you reeling. Understandable but from the looks of it he did you a big favor - but I know it doesn't feel like that right now.

[msjules]

Hi, redmelon. I read your other thread about the ring late last night but had just returned from a very long and somewhat intense road trip with my boyfriend (my ex-ex, LOL) and was just too tired to respond.

 

I am a social worker, clinically trained, for 22 years and here are my thoughts. Mind you, I am not diagnosing him as I obviously have not seen him, these are just my impressions.

 

I think he may be suffering from a bipolar spectrum disorder. And I agree with Island Girl. I think he asked for the ring back because he wanted some sort of contact with you. I also think he is hurting, badly, and he wants you to hurt too. He probably thinks he is the only one hurting and that you are doing fine. He no doubt realizes that he is the "sick" one in the relationship --- that's why I think he thinks he is the only one hurting. And your going NC probably also causes him to think that you have moved on and are not hurting. So he asked for the ring as a way to strike out at you and hurt you.

 

You absolutely need to maintain NC. He is emotionally unstable and is likely to remain that way. You were right to bring up his drug seeking behavior in your couples therapy. He broke up with you in anger, but now he has to live with the consequences of that hasty decision ---- and I doubt he likes it very much. I think his texting of you during your therapy session several days ago was another way in which he wanted to engage you in conversation. He is trying, perhaps, to provoke you.

 

You are handling this superbly. Your email was short and to the point and unemotional. Getting emotional is only going to cause him to spiral even further out of control and you don't want that. You seem to be a very level headed person as others have pointed out --- and you deserve someone equally level headed. This man is trouble. You deserve better. Big hugs and pats on the back to you. Keep up the great work.

 

edited to add: I have no idea why he went to your parents' home other than perhaps he had been fooling himself that he wanted the ring back and when he got there he realized that he truly didn't and the pain of seeing them and not you hit him hard. And perhaps seeing them and not you reminded him that he is having to live with the consequences of his impulsive behavior. I will repeat that he is appears very emotionally unstable right now. You have, as others have pointed out, no doubt been a stabilizing influence in his life and he may be seeking you out as a way of regaining control. That is too big a burden for you to bear. He needs medication and therapy and to be able to handle his problems on his own. Take good care of yourself.