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NC/Money/Ex/Kids!!!


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Ok here it goes, I have been reading the posts in here for a few months now and thought I need some advice now from you guys.

 

Let me tell you about my ex relationship. Well we had been living together for about 3 years, we are both in our mid/late 20s, we have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous relationship who I raised as my own. We had a number of issues in our relationship that really could have been dealt with better (hindsight is a wonderful thing). We had money worries, we had a sexless relationship for about 18 months, we had both neglected each others needs and she had a couple of online emotional affairs. What finally ended it was a text from an unknown person saying I was cheating on her. I was not cheating on her and I have my suspicions about if there actually was a text as I hadn't actually seen it.

 

So really quite a messy relationship huh? So the problems I am trying to deal with and need advice for is this... Firstly guilt. I am feeling pretty guilty for not taking action sooner in trying to sort the relationship out. Its only after the split did I really start a lot of reading about that kind of stuff and really know what it would take to have a better relationship. Our relationship was loving and good at one point and I feel pretty guilty for not dealing with it and sorting it out sooner. I believe one person can make a difference to a relationship through their actions and we were both inactive. Is there grounds for guilt?

 

Second problem... Like everyone else on this site I cant get her out of my damn mind! NC is not an option as I look after my daughter for 4 days a week she then goes home to her mum for 4 days and then back to mine. So every 4 days I have to see the ex. Tough huh? You know how hard it is not to ask what they have been up to, who they are seeing, plead and beg to sort things out? Its pretty damn hard to remain cold and emotionless, I am NOT over her at all yet I know it is over. The ex is very good at the cold and emotionless bit as she genuinely is over us. So I ask how do I deal with that? I need to get over her and NC is not an option although self control is but emotions do some funny things to people and self control is hard to do. Oh and getting someone else to "hand" our daughter over is also not an option for a number of reasons but the issue really is getting over her like she has with me when NC is not an option?

 

Third problem... When the ex left she left without a job, no money and moved back to her parents house. She also has quite a large debt of about 8000 and no job. She has to run a car, pay bills, etc, etc. Now I have a pretty decent job, my own home and a pretty large disposable income each month (which she greatly enjoyed spending when we were together). I pay more then I should in child maintainece and I ask for nothing from the ex when I have my daughter for 4 days so in effect I am supporting her twice. The ex text me a couple of weeks ago asking for a favour and she basically asked me to give her some money to pay her bank who are chasing her and threatening her. The amount she wanted was a large amount pushing 1000 (which I have). Do I take the stance of "its your problem not mine, I support our child fully and your debts are your own" or do I step in and help? I have already given her 300 this month (not including child support) and have paid to fix her car and she is still cold, harsh and distant. I don't expect at all to give money and have her decide to sort things out, I know things don't work like that at all but I care enough to think of her why can she not think of me, us or our family? She says she has asked me to help her with money because she cares about me (so would I if I was asking for 1000) or it could be that she is desperate and none of her friends and who ever she might be seeing now has that kind of money and are willing to help. Pretty cynical of me huh? So should I help or not? What about guilt in not helping much like not sorting out our relationship problems when we both had the chance?

 

Ok now bit of a rant! lol. I don't think I am a bad guy, I support my child and I supported her son, I look after our daughter a lot, I have a good job and well paid, I have my own home and I am caring. I did do things wrong in our relationship and neither of us changed or learned any lessons which is why it went wrong. Why does she think I am such a bad guy? Are there guys out there who would take on her mountain of debt and 2 children from 2 different fathers? Maybe I am being naive and cynical but I would imagine people would look at her and see there were issues and problems that would make things hard and maybe that's the way I should look at her but my emotional side sees and tells me something different. I have taken the break up quite badly although I am getting better there are those few sticky issues. When we first broke I did the whole pleading, begging and bugging her which as we all know does not work! I do sometimes slip back into doing that (thanks to the lack of NC). I have also, I am ashamed to say, been rebounding in quite a big way when I know I am not ready to move on. Someone gave me the advice to f**k her out of your system so I tried (and done very well) but its only tempory and is NOT good advice! I am also seeing a counsellor which has helped but I just need some good advice or direction from you guys.

 

So -

Guilt?

NC problem?

Getting over her without the ability to go NC?

The whole money issue?

All those other questions about my exes feeling towards me and us and any insights?

And any other useful advice you guys might have?!

Not much at all! lol

 

Thanks guys, love you all!

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NC is not an option. You will have to deal with it which will make it harder for you to get over her. Remain amicable -- it's the best way.

 

Rebound relationships are selfish in my opinion... If you are a nice guy, don't do it!! Spend time with friends and family instead for the support you will need and until you are stronger to be 'out there'.

 

As for paying off her debts... DON'T! The law holds you to certain payments and that is all that you are obligated to give her. She, sorry to be harsh, is using you. She cannot hold your child from you as you are making the necessary payments. It's as simple as that.

 

Good to know you are in counseling. Time will heal. (((hugs)))

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