How did y'all find closure?

[Template]

So that's my question of the day. I know a lot of us has been broken up over obvious and not so obvious reasons. Like everyone, we all seek closure of some sort, and many times, the person that broke up with us never gives us the closure we need. I feel like writing my ex a nasty letter just to tell her how miserable she is, and I hope she stays miserable (but that would just mean that I'm letting her dictate my life even when she shouldn't be). Or sometimes I feel that I should write a "I wish you well letter" to show that I'm the bigger man and that I don't need her (but does she deserve such kindness). Either way, I'm pretty sure she doesn't care. Or just continue NC. It's sad right. We all loved, and had love taken away, so it's natural we all feel the "I just want you to be happy" phase. How did some of you find the closure, if not within the ending of the relationship, at least with yourselves.

[justletgo07]

Forgiveness is a big part of it. You have to forgive your ex for how they handled things, for not telling you why or giving you a BS reason. You also have to forgive yourself for everything you did or feel like you did to cause the break up.

 

You also have to let yourself feel everything...every single emotion related to her and the break up. Just feel it all.

 

I would stay NC. No good will come from contacting her. She may care, or she may not. There's no way to know, and no reason to spend your time speculating. Start living your life, and become the best possible version of you.

[kizik]

How did some of you find the closure, if not within the ending of the relationship, at least with yourselves.

 

Hi Temp,

 

It is very good to see you again.

 

I never found closure through anything that I did, or anything she did or said. Personally I believe that closure is a buzzword that amounts to very little. It's supposed to mean that you have finally reconciled the loss of your R and accepted it and all that.

 

But I find that I still have daily thoughts of her, and that no matter how much 'closure' I think I've found, this is a continuing process. Some days hurt less than others, some more.

 

'Closure' for me - and this is VERY important - has been most about realizing this: I'm great as I am. There was nothing wrong with me. That R ended b/c she was unhappy. Sadly, I would have clung onto it like a lifeboat.

 

Closure has been all about, as the above poster says, forgiving myself for loving so much. Knowing that I am lovable and that the way she treated me was not OK by any means.

 

And I think you still have more thinking to do about the terrible way your ex treated you. You still have some more getting angry to do, dude.

[Trialbyfire]

Closure happens when you stop playing the blame game. Own your portion of the responsibilities and mentally allocate her portion of the responsibilities. This is all part of the forgiveness and moving on process.

[Template]

Hi Temp,

 

It is very good to see you again.

 

I never found closure through anything that I did, or anything she did or said. Personally I believe that closure is a buzzword that amounts to very little. It's supposed to mean that you have finally reconciled the loss of your R and accepted it and all that.

 

But I find that I still have daily thoughts of her, and that no matter how much 'closure' I think I've found, this is a continuing process. Some days hurt less than others, some more.

 

'Closure' for me - and this is VERY important - has been most about realizing this: I'm great as I am. There was nothing wrong with me. That R ended b/c she was unhappy. Sadly, I would have clung onto it like a lifeboat.

 

Closure has been all about, as the above poster says, forgiving myself for loving so much. Knowing that I am lovable and that the way she treated me was not OK by any means.

 

And I think you still have more thinking to do about the terrible way your ex treated you. You still have some more getting angry to do, dude.

 

Can't say it's great to be back, because obviously I broke up with someone. I'm glad there are caring people here to give unbiased opinions though. I have every reason to be angry, and you're right. I just don't want to live an angry life. I know what I did right, and what I did wrong; but I also know that I cannot hold this woman's actions as a benchmark for all women in future relationships. Most women would actually care when their bf are in need of medical attention.

[sedgwick]

It's been 18 months now since he left me and I have no closure at all. I guess knowing he doesn't even remember me or care if I'm alive or dead should be enough, huh? It still hurts every day and I can honestly say I haven't stopped thinking about him for a minute in the year and a half since he left. I'm not the same person I was before. I am a much sadder, much less trusting version of myself who doesn't really go out anymore because I'm too afraid that other people will reject me for not being a musician just like he did.

 

My world has gotten much smaller and grayer since he left. I don't know if any amount of closure could ever make it vivid and colorful again. Basically I try to comfort myself by telling myself I *had* a beautiful life and true love for a little while, which is more than some people ever get. And I try to make peace with the fact that the rest of my life is going to be sad.

[lofi_tokyo]

For me closure finally came after months of posting on LS and talking to friends, asking question after question. I tried tirelessly to dissect my relationship with the ex, our break up, our future, until one day I just got sick of it!

 

From there I just threw in the towel and started to let myself heal. I realized the only real closure I'd ever get was letting myself shut the door without all the answers. Because the thing is, I could find a new question every day, and no one on this site, not me, not my friends, probably not even my ex, would give me answers that satisfied me, because all I really wanted was to feel loved again.

 

Five months after the break up, here I am. At about three months was when I threw in the towel. By the end of the fourth month I was confident in saying I was over my ex. Today, I don't think about my ex daily - he comes in maybe every second day, and only for an instance, something reminds me of him, the memory is neither painful nor happy, its just a flicker .

 

Thats closure I guess. Realizing that sometimes you've just gotta stop trying to rationalize things, life works in mysterious ways, as they say, and just let yourself move on.

[stace79]

One thing that has helped me is watching the movie "The Holiday". The character, Iris, has this really great monologue toward the latter part of the movie that somewhat describes getting over it and moving on. It's a great movie, I thought -- very uplifting and teaches a lot about expecting to be treated well and not just accepting mediocrity -- or worse -- out of our relationships. Anyway, here is what she said:

 

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

[Blessings]

I never got closure and I guess my closure was knowing that I wont get it and learning to deal with it. Also what would closure do for me? Yes I made plenty of mistakes, I cried over them I felt guilty, he chose to forgive me or not forgive me...I DID MY PART I GAVE HIM A SINCERE APOLOGY!! Then he made his mistakes, hurt me worse than anyone ever has...and yet nothing..no apology, no remorse...he's happy.

 

 

So my closure? I believe there was a reason for why he had to end it. Nobody (unless something is wrong with them) ends a relationship for no reason. Unfortunately sometimes they dont care enough to explain what was making them unhappy. For instance my ex was one of those people that kept everything inside (and he always said this was his flaw)...so say if he thought "She argues too much" he wouldnt tell me, he would stay ****...keep everything inside untill one day, he wasnt "in it" anymore....never letting me know where I was going wrong so we could fix it...because thats how much HE CARED (LIKE HE SAID HE DID RIIGHT) while i was the opposite...

 

 

then one day, after telling me i love you and all that junk, he "had been falling out of love for awhile now" so my closure is knowing that HE ENDED IT!!!! And I pretty much know what happened without him telling me...I'm in an angry mood tongiht so sorry if this post comes off a bit bitchy

[Joe Taylor]

I think it depends how you define closure.. if you define it as having all the answers and know 100% why she did all the things she (or he) did and finding total peace with it, then it's not going to happen in a lot of cases.

 

But if it's just closure for yourself.. just being able to move on and put it behind you (which in some cases that's all you can do..), even if you don't have all the answers, then I think it's possible, but it might just take some time...

 

I chased around one women for months after I learned she was cheating on me from others who told me; I was never able to get her to admit it etc, etc.. or face it. And I was absolutely crushed; why would she do this to me? She says she loves me?

 

The first closure stage came when I finally called her to meet one last time; .. I gave her one last time to come around and be with me. And it wasn't meant to be. So my closure was being able to do that, face her, put it all out there.. and then walk away. I made a commitment to finish it that night one way or the other so I could move on.

 

A few years later I was in love and getting married someone new.. closure came looking back and knowing I'm better off today; that she was in the end --- a loser. (you often have much greater perspective much later)

 

I had closure this last year too.. I bumped into another girl I had dated 10 years ago and who had left me for dumb, nonsense reasons. I had devoted a lot of time to the relationship and loved her very much.. I was crushed when she broke up with me..

 

But I saw how poorly she handled her child.. how undisciplined and unruly he was; in fact, he was a little nuts. I saw and heard from others how she didn't have control of him... she didn't really make a great mother. And I realized maybe she had some flaws... I had closure -- 10 years later. Good thing that didn't work out in hindsight!

[peteyj]

I don't think there is such a thing as 'closure' on anything. Yes as time goes by you might feel a little better, look forward to different things, and not feel so sad about what might have been or what was but it's still there. Most people just learn to deal with it and move on. Some people never deal with it, try to hide it deep inside for years and then never really can move on.

 

At some point you are going to have to deal with every emotion, every memory, every thought, and so on. I'd rather get most of that out of the way early on and then find ways to cope, deal, improve and then move on. Otherwise if you push it aside by drinking, working too much, taking up every hobby in the book and never really working through anything then you never really learn anything. You never become a better person. You never accept who you are and you never accept what happened or what was done. Eventually you have to forgive and forget.

 

You may never be friends or even like your ex and you may never like that other man/woman or thing(job, etc) that was a key reason for the split but at some point holding onto grudges and anger will eat away at your own emotions and soul. And if you hide those emotions for years by doing everything to ignore the pain you're never really becoming better person or learning anything. And we always have things to learn, good and bad, from everything.

[irishsimon]

I feel if you're looking for closure after a recent break up you aren't really in touch with yourself and still living your life and aspirations through someone else. We don't need other people to give us closure. You do that for yourself. In many cases looking for a response that we hope will close off a particular situation or mindset just leads to more muddled thinking. Looking for closure from another person is still asking the other person to be responsible for your feelings, while not taking responsibility for yourself. To let go is to give yourself closure.

 

I believe that the closure we all pontificate about is something you get further down the line, whether we have contact or not. Its seeing the relationship and other person in hindsight...seeing it for what it was..good, bad, a growing experience or how it contributed to your life or direction at the time.

 

I think closure and acceptance are quite similar.