Stupid stupid stupid...

[Kage111]

I had a dream last night. It took place in the future, I was older, she was older. We ran into each other at Costco. She told me she wished we were still together and if I had only called her and told her how I felt, she would be with me at that time.

 

Then I woke up... oddly feeling excited.

 

I've been 2 weeks no contact which is a HUGE record for me, and each day gets harder and harder.

 

I grabbed the phone, dialed her number, which I deleted, but it's ingrained in my head. (I accidentally dial it when I just want to call my parents sometimes.) I pressed cancel. I dialed again. This went on for a while until I finally pressed send.

 

Rang until her message.

And I called again.

And again.

 

Weird she wasn't answering, since I clearly remember her saying "I don't want to lose our friendship."

 

I gave up, showered, and went about my day, assuming she'd call back when she saw the missed calls. She didn't.

 

I heard from my friend that she's online a lot, which is weird, cuz I am too, and I never see her. She had blocked me. wtf?

 

Last straw, I'm out eating with my friends. She comes in with her friends, says "Hi" to everyone but me...

 

I go back to my place eyes watery and finally convince one of my friends to find out why she is acting this way.

 

He eventually prints out their conversation for me. Apparently she's "Significantly better" now that I'm gone, she wants me to know she's "serious about the break up," and she "just wishes I'd find a new girlfriend already."

 

Now, of course, I feel worse than before. I don't even know why I still love her. She was a horrible girlfriend. Always borrowed money and never paid me back, would spend nights in her "guy friends" rooms, constantly put me down. I know this makes me sound pathetic, but that's how I feel right now... I want so bad to hate her for everything... for her to leave me after she used me and then say she's better off now... I don't know... I want her back in my arms... but I don't ever want her back...

[Trimmer]

Now, of course, I feel worse than before. I don't even know why I still love her. She was a horrible girlfriend. Always borrowed money and never paid me back, would spend nights in her "guy friends" rooms, constantly put me down. I know this makes me sound pathetic, but that's how I feel right now...

Just be sure you keep one thing straight - all that stuff about her... is about her. It doesn't make you pathetic or undesirable or anything else. It just tells the story of HER and that's all.

 

You are still who you are, and your image of yourself doesn't depend on her being with you or being apart from you.

 

Be clear on this point: she's gone because of who SHE is, not because of who you are.

[Goatsbreath]

Listen to trimmer, that's good advice to remember. Also, when you make a significant period of NC DON'T BLOW IT. 2 weeks is not huge but I know it can feel huge and it will trick you into thinking, I bet shes really wondering what I am up to now. Maybe this time has made her reflect and she realizes she misses me.

 

NO, If she did she would call and then who knows, probably still just wants her ego stroked but its never a call you should make.

 

Your dream wasn't some apocalyptic prophecy of the future. You are still holding the idea that maybe this time will make her want you back. Maybe she will want you or maybe you just want her to want you. Whatever the case, your dream was a reflection of your thoughts and they are tricking you into making bad choices.

 

Next time you go to pick up the phone and you have it in your hands and you dial and stop then dial, think this......Does this girl really deserve the 14 days or however many days you have gone. Days that I went around painfully trying to achieve nothing else in my life but time and separation. Days I suffered and clang desperately to hope of a better future while trying to ward of fear. Hell no she don't is the answer, haha......ok.