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What would you do in this situation?


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0gravitypirate

Hello

 

Thank you for reading this and thank you all again who has helped me before here under a different name. This will be very long winded.

 

My story.

 

I met this girl through my cousin back in 94/95 and we were married in 96. We had a very rocky start at things. We would fight constantly about stuff i considered small and trivial. We were blessed with a son in 99, 2 days after my birthday. Becoming a father was the best thing that ever happened to me and forced me to grow up. After he was born we decided to move to Columbus ohio for work and a better life.

 

After living in Columbus for close to a year, something terrible happened. It was so traumatic that to this day im still not over it. It haunts my dreams at night and my thoughts during the day. It sent me into a deep depression that lasted for about 6 years.

 

It was on a sunday and the wife had come home from a trip to visit her family 2 hours away. I was playing a game on the computer upstairs when she came in. She stomped her way up the steps and informed me she was leaving me. I knew this was coming and it was only a matter of time. I had caught her acting strange and shutting off the computer via the power button for many weeks prior. Anyway, she began to pack as she usually did when there was a problem between us. She said that i could come see my son the next day. I figured i would allow her some time and try to talk it out with her in a few days.

 

The next day i called her mothers house and found out she wasnt there and they didnt know where she was. I then called her grandparents house and i was informed that she had took my son halfway across the country to Oklahoma. She was talking to a 50ish year old man on the net and fell in love with him. He bought her a plane ticket and with the help of her mother left. If that isnt bad enough, this man could have been a serial killer or pedifile. She can be pretty gullable at times.

 

It was a month before i heard anything from her. During that month i had so many thoughts swimming through my head like them both lieing face down in a wooded area, naked and rotting. It was truely aweful. What i felt during this time is to painful to put into words. Finally she starts sneaking and calling me. I got to hear my sons voice again too. After a few weeks of this she called me and said she was coming home...

 

She arrived home and i was relieved and exhausted at the same time. So many emotions were playing on me at this time. I guess he bought her a plane ticket back home under the assumption she was coming to visit family. During her time back home she was distant and unfeeling. After a week of this she informed me she loved him. Another week goes by and she leaves again. During her home time she was unfeeling and not willing to talk about anything. Some words she said to me still ring in my head to this day...."i can be cruel when i want to."

 

After another month and a half she starts calling me again crying she wants to come home. Maybe she caught wind of me filing divorce? I will never know. During this whole ordeal her family treated mine like ****. They defended her actions with lies she told them. They also tried to start physical altercations with members of my family. The whole lot of em are the steriotypical trailor trash that you see on the springer show. Anyway, i told her to come on home. So she drove home in a brand new car with hail damage he bought her. She swears she never had physical relations with him but then again he did buy her a nice car. I am no fool.

 

She arrives home on a nice spring day and i wanted to strangle her. I felt so bad and i wanted to make her feel that way as well....but i didnt. She was home no more than 2 hours when a courier shows up and serves her with divorce papers lol. She was so angry over that...i will never forget it. The next day i take her to the attorney and agree to drop the divorce under the condition she sign a contract that the attorney drew up. The contract stated that if she ever left the state with my son again without my written permission, she waives her rights as a parent and i automatically get full custody of my son. During all of this i tried so hard to use the law to get my son home but no one would help...not the police, childrens services or attorneys. There is no law to protect a mother or a father when their spouse steals their children. In my opinion this was the same as kidnapping. Anyway i felt i needed to keep an eye on her so thats the main reason i decided to contract her and drop the divorce. I ended up losing my job and house in Columbus along with most of our personal belongings.

 

As time went by i slipped into a deep depression. I wasnt sure exactly why i was depressed. At first i thought it was childhood bullying or issues with my fater....or even chemical imbalances. I tried to blame it on everything but the truth. The truth was something i couldnt face because it was a taboo subject for us and i wasnt allowed to talk about it.

 

She was very good to me during this time. She seemed to grow up and took care of me. You couldnt even get me to leave the house...i just couldnt do it. At about the time i started feeling depressed she started holding sex from me. The reason for holding the sex from me is i couldnt even get a hug from her without feeling traped and closterphobic. I couldnt hardly kiss her anymore either. Those should have been clear signs for me as to why i was depressed but i ignored them. I spent alot of time soul serching...no pills needed.

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About 2 years ago i finally came out of it on my own and landed a really good job. I began work for the local post office as a sub...waiting in line for a full time route. During the past 2 years i have given my situation alot of thought. I started to think that she was never the one for me. I fell in love with who she was and not her looks or body type. Back then i thought i loved her for all the right reasons but now adays i think i should have at least been attracted to her physically. I think thats where i went wrong. I was always taught that it doesnt matter what they look like as long as their hearts in the right place.

 

About a year ago i decided that i dont love her anymore. I began to daydream of the perfect gal for me. I saw her as having dark hair, small and shapely. Her mind would be intelligent and she would love me unconditionally. About 6 months ago i decided it was time for me to start saving to leave. Our situation at that time (cars always breaking down, her not paying bills on time due to procrastination) made it very hard for me to save anything. So i gave up and gave in. I decided to lie in the bed i made and thats that.

 

Then out of nowhere i start getting laid every night...sometimes twice a night. I couldnt keep her off of me. It was welcome though and i was happy...and worried to see this out of her. Then out of nowhere she starts acting strange again. I know the signs so very well....she is cheating on me again! I asked her if she was...letting her know i remember these signs and she denied it and wouldnt stop. So i put a key logger on her laptop and watched as she fell in love with a man from florida. They met playing world of warcraft. I confronted her with this and she denied it to no surprise. I showed her the logs and she broke into tears. She stated that she done it so i would catch her. She said she wanted to get me angry...anything...any emotion out of me. I informed her it was over and we began to play a game. We tried to live together seperated but she would get childish on me and leave, then come home just to sleep in her car out in the cold. I dont understand this type of behavior. I ended up moving in with my parents for the first time since 96.

 

During this time i have been dating alot. I put a profile up on a popular dating website and have had at least 2 different dates a week. I hate to admit this but i have slept with 5 different women since i left her. It seems that upon meeting me they want me so bad that they do not even try to contain their sexual desires. Maybe i give off a vibe that was screwable or something i dunno. Those are just random thoughts though...with me being lonely its hard to resist...even though i am looking for a good relationship thats long term.

 

Since i left her i have not felt really bad at all. I have actually been happier than i have felt in almost a decade. Maybe sometimes in the morning i would feel a little bad, but that comes from not having a home of my own i think. I think its a comfort thing. Every now and again i will talk to her and we end up fighting alot, mostly over our son. We agreed to divorce each other without attorneys and we have already split up everything we own. We both agree on custody.

 

The last 2 weeks i have been talking to her alot. She finally whittled me down to agree to give her another chance. Again we lost our home and she is living with her grandparents. I got her to agree that if i took her back she would have no freedom at all until i could trust her again. I wanted to be an ass about this as to chase her off but it backfired. I told her all she would be allowed to do is work and come home, no going out with friends, no computers at all (not even allowed to touch one again), no managing the finances, no going out with her family....and she agreed. She is willing to sacrifice all her freedoms so that we may be together again...this doesnt make sense to me. I know that she would grow tired of it eventually.

 

So i decided to give her a shot with me knowing thats not what i want. I do find it appealing that i could go home again (would be a new home though). Thats the draw for me....home. All she does when i talk to her is cry, and not just small weeping but huge sobs of grief and despair with a hint of despiration. That turns me off. I allowed myself to spend the night with her last night at a local hotel. I think it was a big mistake. I cant even look her in the eye anymore. When she tells me she is sorry i feel nothing. When she tells me she loves me i feel nothing. But i do realize that i do love her in a very small way....but i dont think its enough to restart our marriage. I find myself going back to that dating site and searching again. I still think it wasnt meant to be....

 

What should i do? Should i resign myself to a life of comfort but unhappieness or should i seek my true love? I am torn between the 2 options...i am not seeing a 3rd option here. Please offer me some advice and opinions.

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starzphalling

where is your son in all this? i'm sorry but when there are situations like this the first thing you need to worry about are the kids, what is he seeing, hearing, going through? To me your actions should be based on what is best for him, and what you want your child to grow up seeing and knowing.

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0gravitypirate

he has stayed with her the entire time. he knows very little about whats going on other than we are split up. i only get to see him on the weekends and sometimes a day through the week when she allows it. trust me on this... personally i have tried to keep him out of this and comfort him as much as i can when i get to see him.

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GoneButNotForgotten

Not too long, Just really hard to put myself in that position. Personally I don't think I would give her another chance. You gave her plenty of them. You just arent' compatible. You are becoming the fallback guy even after the divorce. That is not something I can see myself doing. It just isn't fair to you or even your kid. If you are unhappy with it all the time kids will pick up on it. They may not understand why your not happy, but they can sense when something is out of place. As long as your still there for your kid as much as you can be I think that they will understand.

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It's called self-loating dude...you don't love yourself enough to right by yourself. You let this ditch pig of a woman wipe her feet all over you. You need to love yourself enough to want a woman who you can trust and who loves you enough not to run-off and screw old-geezers for cash & prizes.

 

Your responsible for your own happiness. Look inside. Fix what's broken. Live your life. Write a happy ending to it. You deserve better.

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emotionalydistraugt

Don't go back to her. You can never trust her again. How can you build any relationship whatsoever without trust. If you find the one true woman you're suppost to be with the comfort will be there. She honestly doesn't deserve another chance. She had it and messed it up. And if you keep giving her chance after chance after chance she'll be conditioned to think she can get away with it. Find someone who wont do that to you. Find a girl who will be one with you and will care for your well-being and your sons well being. I don't think your ex is really considering your son all that much. She seems very self centered and everything else is just other stuff.

You design your own fate mate. DO what's best for you and your child

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He has some problems, yes, but so does she. He isn't a narcissist. (At least not from what he has written above).

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