BLAH! A taste of what it feels like to be the dumper.

[lofi_tokyo]

Well, its been a while since I really, let go of my ex and I's relationship. That doesn't mean hes out of my head, he pops up from time to time, but hes just an ex, nothing more.

 

So! I started dating! Woo! (Actually I did it long before I was healed too - but it never went anywhere, I was hurting too much)

 

I fell for one guy, and things were going really well but then... as we went on more dates, I started to realize how incompatible we were. Sure, he has lots of attributes I LOVE in men, but he has so many that conflict with who I am - a big example being he is anti-gay rights, and I'm bi. We talked about that one - and decided to respect eachother for our differences, but that only lasted a week before I just felt like... maybe hes not the guy for me.

 

We were never an "official" couple, we just casually dated, but last night he kind of spilled his guts about how much he likes me - and I choked. I kept hoping I could make myself more excited about a future for us, but when he poured out his heart I just realized - what am I doing?

 

So today I told him I was not ready for a relationship yet. I explained I got out of a relationship four months ago, and I'm scared of getting hurt, and hurting someone. Thats not the entire truth, maybe I could have said how I didn't think we were compatible, but I didn't want him to think "I can change for her".

 

In conclusion: Though I was not in a real "relationship", I did go through the dumper motions kinda - feeling less attracted, considering calling it quits, but deciding to go on and see if feelings change, talking about it to friends, calling it off, feeling horrible and guilty for hurting someone I care about.

 

I've heard dumpers post those emotions on the boards before - and it kind of took away my anger towards my ex, and helped me understand hes just human and its not fair for him to be in a relationship with me if he doesnt want to be. Well now I got the final nail in the coffin as far as... understanding my ex's feelings throughout the breakup. It sucks on both ends. :S

[Nemo]

It sucks on both ends.

A delightful experience, if one has the necessary flexibility.

[lofi_tokyo]

A delightful experience, if one has the necessary flexibility.

 

Maybe ;p clearly I havnt found that flexibility just yet!

[Trialbyfire]

tokyo, I wish you could have been honest with him.

 

Having said that, as someone who's primarily been the dumper, it's no fun on either side. If you've been with someone awhile, you do go through similar break up emotions as the person being dumped. It sucks...period...

[lofi_tokyo]

You're right Trialbyfire, honesty is important.

 

Its true that I'm terrified of being hurt, or hurting someone who falls for me - I never want to go through the pain I did grieving my ex, let alone inflict that pain on someone else. That being said though, if that was the only problem, I know I could get over that fear.

 

So, while I did not lie, I did not tell the whole truth. I want to tell him, but I don't want to drag out this not even... breakup. I'm sure we'll keep hanging out - we have many, many mutual friends. If it hurts him though I guess I'll have to back off. Life is crazy.

[Trialbyfire]

Sorry, I didn't intend that you revisit the break up. It's too late for that now. What's done is done.

 

I would worry more about you if you didn't feel the pain of break up. It's similar to the employer who's comfortable firing people, where it never touches them. In essence, you've lost your humanity.

 

Take care tokyo. Plse don't forget the honesty component for next time. It can be done gently, albeit never without hurt if the other person is invested.

[amerikajin]

You're right Trialbyfire, honesty is important.

 

Its true that I'm terrified of being hurt, or hurting someone who falls for me - I never want to go through the pain I did grieving my ex, let alone inflict that pain on someone else. That being said though, if that was the only problem, I know I could get over that fear.

 

So, while I did not lie, I did not tell the whole truth. I want to tell him, but I don't want to drag out this not even... breakup. I'm sure we'll keep hanging out - we have many, many mutual friends. If it hurts him though I guess I'll have to back off. Life is crazy.

 

I don't think you necessarily have to tell him 100 percent of the truth. I understand that some people believe that honest is always the best policy, but I've come to believe over the course of my life that a little white lie here and there isn't going to hurt anyone -- especially if you're ending the relationship with them. You already knew enough about him to know that you weren't interested in dating him anymore, and I doubt seriously anything was going to change that. I doubt being honest with him about yourself would have changed that. Nobody here can tell you whether it was a good idea to be honest with him about that because only you know the guy. I trust your judgment on this one.

[smiiiley]

Yeah I was kind of talking to this guy and its not like i liked him but he liked me and on Christmas I had to tell him in a way i wasnt interested..

 

 

i read your post and i would say that this is different..dating someone and actually being in a long serious relationship...

[smiiiley]

and 4 months out of a relationship? maybe i'm wrong but i doubt you are truyl 100% over your ex as you claim...i don't think you should rush into anything.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think you necessarily have to tell him 100 percent of the truth. I understand that some people believe that honest is always the best policy, but I've come to believe over the course of my life that a little white lie here and there isn't going to hurt anyone -- especially if you're ending the relationship with them. You already knew enough about him to know that you weren't interested in dating him anymore, and I doubt seriously anything was going to change that. I doubt being honest with him about yourself would have changed that. Nobody here can tell you whether it was a good idea to be honest with him about that because only you know the guy. I trust your judgment on this one.

Trust me on this one. When you have 100 white elephants running around, sooner or later they charge!

[lofi_tokyo]

and 4 months out of a relationship? maybe i'm wrong but i doubt you are truyl 100% over your ex as you claim...i don't think you should rush into anything.

 

Nope I'm over him!

 

Our relationship was dead long before it ended, and both him and I knew it... but neither of us openly admitted it until he found someone new. That hurt, losing him, but he found someone new to love - eventually you've just gotta call a spade a spade and move on.

 

Everyone has their own healing time though! Trust me, I wouldnt be saying I as over the guy if I wasn't. ;p

[Nemo]

I'm over him!

Do you prefer it on top?

[amerikajin]

Trust me on this one. When you have 100 white elephants running around, sooner or later they charge!

 

I don't know about white elephants, but I know that I've got a white pony I'd like to show you.

 

Forgive me in advance, I'm drunk.

[againstallodds]

Come on guys, we all lies. The truth hurts. I rather lie to make someone feel better. The truth sometimes can destroy lives.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know about white elephants, but I know that I've got a white pony I'd like to show you.

 

Forgive me in advance, I'm drunk.

Ha...keep that pony in the barn!

[CaliGuy]

Agreed. I've been on both sides of the coin. It sucks, period. We want things to work out and when we realize they aren't it's a disappointment to both people involved.

 

Sorry TV. But the one thing you should keep in mind is that each failed relationship brings you one step closer to the right person. Always remember that. Learning from your relationship failures is what helps make you a well rounded person who will eventually sustain a lasting, healthy relationship.

 

One thing too I might want to add: There is no such thing as perfection. No perfect mate, no perfect relationship. Everyone (and I mean everyone, myself included, lol) is flawed in some way, shape or form. If you (better said "we") are seeking perfection, we'll be sorely disappointed. Measure the person up as a whole before making a final decision.

 

Ultimately you have to be attracted to them (physically and emotionally) so I am not discounting it. Just be a little more flexible to working with their flaws.

 

Cheers!

[amerikajin]

Come on guys, we all lies. The truth hurts. I rather lie to make someone feel better. The truth sometimes can destroy lives.

 

I don't know if it necessarily destroys lives, but I know it can sometimes do more damage to someone's self esteem and sense of self worth than is necessary. I know it can make ending a relationship messier than it needs to be.

 

I guess it really depends on what we're talking about here. I agree with TBF in that, yes, you need to communicate with your partner about what the issues are, what's bugging you in a relationship and so forth. I mean, it's not fair to your partner to keep them in the dark, but you don't have to be explicitly or 100 percent frank about things. I think you can 'dress' the truth a little bit. Call it spin!

 

In this case, I don't know...I guess you could make the argument that had the OP been completely open about her sexuality, just maybe he would have modified his opinions on that. But I doubt that. The odds are that he would have bailed immediately, given his apparent distaste for gay/lesbian rights. It would have been messy - messier than necessary. Why not just let it go peacefully into the night?