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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 8th May 2002, 1:58 AM   #1
David S
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Unhappy Heartbroken,Sad,Depressed

I need some advice and I am new here. My ex broke up with me a day before valentines day. The reason was because shse was sick of the nit picking we both were doing and that she need time and space. We both were going through a lot in our lives. She was dealing with her grandmother being hospitalized and finding out she had lung cancer and that she only had two months to live.She did not make it past a month. Her brother leaving for the army. I went her funeral and wake to show her I still cared and i was there if she needed me. I found out that I have two cyst in my chest.I never told her because she was dealing with a lot at the time and I did not want her to worry even more.
A week went by where I did not call her or see her. I went to a bar saw her there asked if we could talk. We argued she said she was leaving I grabbed her by the back of her arms and said we are not done talking. I did not grab her forcefully or anything. I never abused her verablly or physically. Her last relationship was a veerbally abusive one. I find out that I brusied her arms bad. She is a diabetic and she brusies easily even when we would playfully wrestle. I called to apolozie but she did not want to hear it.
We dated for seven months. We never argued and always had fun doing and being with each other.She was the first girl I feel in love with. All the other relationships I had I cared for them but never loved them. Her friend kelly told her I was acting like her when she broke up with her boyfriend.
A few weeks went by when a friend and I were going to a bar when I noticed her car there and told him I did not want to go in. HE said we will have one drink and leave. We did that and I made sure I did not talk to her or look at her. We left when she came running out and said we had to talk. We argued. She said that if I had given her the space and time we would have gotten back together and that know there is no chance because she was afriad of me and she had to change her number. She also asked why I was asking kelly all these questions. I never asked kelly any questions all I told her was how much I missed her and how sad I was. SHe told ME if I needed some one to talk to she was there for me. I opened up my heart to her.
Another two weks went by when I was at a bar with friends on a tuesday night when one of them notices my ex and kelly come in. My ex comes up to me and asks if we can be civil and talk I blew her away because she said she was afriad of me and that she had to change her number because she thought I wanted to hurt her. Kelly comes to me and asks why I blew her away and I told her the same thing. I blame Kelly foy my ex and me breaking up. We ended up talking where I told her how I felt and she did not say one way or the other how she felt. I found out the next day from my pals that were with me that she told them she misses me and that I do not call.
A week later I see her best friend out and she tells me that she is so messed up right now that she has no cluse wha she wants. Her family and friends thanked me for being in her life and they have never seen her this happy in a long time.
SO I guess my quesitons are:
1. How does someone throwout a relationship that lasted for seven months and was fun until all this happened in our lives in the last months as if the relationship never happened?
2.Can her friends be clouding her judgement because she does listen to her friends a lot?
3.Does she miss me a little bit even though she tells me our relationship is over and yet tells my friends and her friends something diffrent?
4.Doesn't everone deserve a second chance even when they make a small mistake.
5.We have a wedding of a coworkers in june and I am scared to go
6.I have written a letter expressing how I feel and want to send it but to afriad to.
7.Is there any hope of getting back together cause I will do anything to get her back.
Any advice would be great. Sorry so long.



Dave
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Old 8th May 2002, 5:20 AM   #2
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1. "How does someone throwout a relationship that lasted for seven months and was fun until all this happened in our lives in the last months as if the relationship never happened?"

When a relationship is terminated, that's the very best way to do it. It's a way to cut off the feelings and heal faster. If the person terminating is angry, they can do it even quicker. However, because it appears that way to you don't assume your ex is not hurting from all this. While she may appear to have forgotten everything, I am quite sure she has not. But she is going through a LOT of loss right now...and you seem only concerned about yourself. She probably notices that.

2. "Can her friends be clouding her judgement because she does listen to her friends a lot?"

It's possible. But if she cares for you, she will give more weight to how she feels than to what her friends say. But if she doesn't care for you a great deal now or if she has been badly hurt by you, what her friends tell her may make a lot of sense at this time.

3. "Does she miss me a little bit even though she tells me our relationship is over and yet tells my friends and her friends something diffrent?"

That's hard to say because we can't read her mind...but I would assume she does if she's at all human. But whether or not she misses you is totally immaterial. What she tells your friends and her friends is immaterial. The fact is the two of you are not together. That's called physical evidence. She doesn't want to be with you because she's sick and tired of dealing with the feuds that ensue everytime she sees you.

4. "Doesn't everone deserve a second chance even when they make a small mistake."

You didn't make just one small mistake. You made lots of them. And grabbing her at the club was a medium to large mistake in her eyes. A woman does not want a man who argues with her everytime he sees her. Every encounter you described in your post resulted in an argument. I personally have only had a couple of very minor arguments (hell, I wouldn't really call them arguments) with females in my entire life.

That's not the way to conduct a relationship. You're going to have to learn how to be more civil. A woman is certainly going to be afraid of a man who will engage in arguing with her every time he sees her. What you have got now is called, in psychology, an approach-avoidance conflict. She is avoiding you because with everything else happening in her life she needs support, not arguments.

5. "We have a wedding of a coworkers in june and I am scared to go."

Going to the wedding and not starting an argument when you see her might go a long way to making her curious about whether or not you have changed. Go to the wedding and argue with yourself in the mirror before you go.

By the way, what the hell do you argue about??? I have never, ever done that. It's not very civil and certainly not mature. There are excellent ways for resolving conflicts civilly and upon seeing somebody is no time for starting an argument. If you have to argue with her so much, why would you even want to be around her? Maybe you were raised by parents who argued a lot...but she probably was not and is not used to this sort of weird stuff.

6. "I have written a letter expressing how I feel and want to send it but to afriad to."

Don't send it to her. She doesn't care how you feel. Her feelings are injured now and getting a letter from you now will only piss her off. It's not like you showed your butt just once, you did it multiple times. She wants a boyfriend who is soft and sweet, or at least normal, when he sees her. The arguing and immaturity has got to go!!!

7. "Is there any hope of getting back together cause I will do anything to get her back."

Well, start by growing up. See a counsellor to find out why you have to get all huffy and pissed and argue when you see her. If it's because of alcohol, STOP DRINKING. See what the other reasons are. Work through this. You will never, ever have a satisfactory relationship if you conduct yourself this way.

Now, if she is starting all the arguments, don't go along with them. But if that's the case, this is a chick you certainly don't need in your life.

But you've got to understand that if it's you who starts these arguments everytime you see her out somewhere, you're somebody she wants to avoid at all costs.

If you want her back, you are going to have to clearly show her you have grown up and you know how to conduct yourself and treat a lady. This lady has gone through a lot of pain lately over the death of her grandmother, who she was close to, and the departure of her brother for the Army. She doesn't need any grief from you. Be nice and kind to her for Pete's sake.

And be sure to have those cysts on your chest taken care of as soon as possible. Determine for certain they aren't cancerous.
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Old 8th May 2002, 11:58 AM   #3
David S
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Tony I never started the arguments. The only reson we argued in the last month was because of all the suff that happened in our lives. She started to take things out on me so I started to take things out on her. We never argued in the first six months. We always had fun being together. Her grandmother died two days after we broke up. I made it a point to go to the wake and funeral to show her I still cared and I was there for her if she needed me even though we had broken up. I do not have a problem with my anger or with alcohol. I am a very laid back guy. Her ex boyfriend who she went out with for five years was very verbally abusive to her. I never was physically or verbally abusive to her. Her family and friends thanked me for being in her life and making her happy. She had very low self esteem. I always told her how beautiful she waas and how lucky I was to have her in my life. I treated her like a queen. I made sure she was happy all the time. I blame her friend kelly for us breaking up because she said that I was starting to act like her when she broke up with her boyfriend. I work in the health profession so I see the physical abuse people go through. I find men or women cowards who have to abuse their partner. I felt like sh** when this happened. I did not grab her forcefully, I grabed her so she would not go any where. You are right when you said I was thinking of myself instead of her feelings. Her family told her to do everything to keep me because they all liked me and that I made her happy and smile all the time. I guess if we can't work through this then she never really loved me like she said and our relationship was nothing to her. I would like to show her that I have changed and that I would like to give another chance to our relationship. People say give it time and if she really loved you she will come back. I want to prove to people that if we can work through this that we can work through any thing.
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Old 8th May 2002, 2:30 PM   #4
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Question

okay, I'm confused ... you guys decided to lay low for a while because of so many outside stresses and pressures goin on in your lives. Then you see her, an argument/disagreement erupts; because her last relationship was an abusive one, she interprets your actions as abusive and changes her telephone number so you don't contact her. Then she tells her friends that she misses you and wonders why you don't call her?

Sounds like this girl needs some serious counseling, because it seems to me she's still hung up in the unhappiness from the relationship she was previously in! No matter how happy her family tells you that you make her, until she gets her bearings straight, you two are going to be miserable because she will expect the same thing from you as she got from her abusive boyfriend. Chances are, you need some polishing -- to be honest, we all do when it comes to interpersonal relationships -- but that doesn't mean the brunt of the work should be done by you. She needs to polish up too.

If you two are meant to be, it'll work out. Maybe not as fast as you'd like, but it'll work out. Meanwhile, do some research on the kind of relationships you two have come from, and the kind that you're in together. It'll open your eyes while giving you tools to succeed.
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Old 8th May 2002, 3:02 PM   #5
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Not a keeper

If she still has a really low self esteem, no relationship is going to work for her. A person cannot accept healthy love until they love themselves.

There is no good point to belabor this thing. It may have worked in the short term but until she becomes happy with herself, no person is going to help her keep that frame of mind in the long term.

I think it's nuts to remain with a lady who wants to start arguments about stupid things, especially when she needs love and support as she goes through difficult times.

I just don't think you need this in your life...so I'm not the one to give advice on how to get her back or keep her around. I don't see how that can happen or how that could be a plus in your life.
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