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Should I Stay or Should I Go


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 27th April 2002, 3:32 AM   #1
Gweedo
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Should I Stay or Should I Go

Okay. Is it possible to love someone, yet realize at the same time that you aren't meant for each other? I've dated this girl for a year and a half, and I love her, yet I've thought about this for months now: She is not "the one." I can't really see her as a potential wife, growing old with her, etc. I do have fun with her and care about her very deeply. And I do NOT want to hurt her. Obviously I'm confused. But at what point do you know that it's time to let go? Are there obvious signs? (Obvious to all but me, of course.) And is it possible that I'm (subconsciously) looking for "greener grass"? I would miss her if she weren't in my life, but I don't want to prolong this if it isn't meant to be. Suggestions and/or comments welcome.
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Old 27th April 2002, 3:40 AM   #2
C
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go

Well, can you explain why you think it's not meant to be? What makes you think she's not the one?
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Okay. Is it possible to love someone, yet realize at the same time that you aren't meant for each other? I've dated this girl for a year and a half, and I love her, yet I've thought about this for months now: She is not "the one." I can't really see her as a potential wife, growing old with her, etc. I do have fun with her and care about her very deeply. And I do NOT want to hurt her. Obviously I'm confused. But at what point do you know that it's time to let go? Are there obvious signs? (Obvious to all but me, of course.) And is it possible that I'm (subconsciously) looking for "greener grass"? I would miss her if she weren't in my life, but I don't want to prolong this if it isn't meant to be. Suggestions and/or comments welcome.
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Old 27th April 2002, 8:32 AM   #3
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go

What's wrong with the relationship? What parts of you aren't being met? You ought to try to pinpoint the source of your doubts.

If you can't get to the root of your doubts, then it sounds to me like there's nothing wrong with her or the relationship -- I'd say there's something within you that isn't ready to make the kind of commitment you're contemplating. Are you thinking about marriage because that's a topic that has come up with her lately? Are you confronting her expectations, or those of others? Maybe you're just resisting the idea itself, rather than the person involved.

But you're right in thinking that it's not fair to string her along when you're having such doubts. I was in her position myself for a long time and it took such a toll on me. My ex boyfriend couldn't reconcile himself to making a permanent commitment to me. He felt that something was wrong with the relationship, something that would sooner or later wreck everything. He refused to discuss it with me -- because, he said, there was nothing to discuss. He didn't know why he was uneasy and doubtful, he just was. He was all torn up at the thought of losing me, and when he did eventually break up with me he was a basket case for a long time. Couldn't bear the thought of me being with someone else, etc. A lot of unnecessary melodrama, and I can't tell you how much pain he put me through. It still hurts more than a year later.

What he should have done is scrupulously examine what was going on within himself, with the help of a counselor. His friends are useless, they just nod and validate whatever idea he has at any given moment, even if it contradicts what he said last week, or flies in the face of everything they know about him. If you don't have friends who will speak up honestly to you, who can give you objective advice that's not colored by their own situations, and who really care enough about you and your specific happiness to hear you out and help you get to the bottom of this, then you need to seek objective assistance from someone who's been trained to listen and to help people get to the bottom of their problems.

And you should be talking to your girlfriend about your doubts, even if you don't have the answers right away. I'll bet she knows that you're torn, that there are things you're not saying. She has a right to know that you're contemplating terminating the relationship. You aren't doing her any favors by keeping silent. That's the cowardly route. Maybe she'll be able to help you. Maybe she'll break up with you since you don't feel strongly enough about her to fully embrace her. You need to take that risk, rather than force her to carry on unaware of the storm clouds brewing overhead.

Maybe you'll realize that there are real reasons that your relationship with her won't work. Then you'll be able to end things with her knowing why it's the right thing to do (doesn't mean you won't be sad, but you won't be doubtful either, and you'll be able to articulate your reasons to her in a meaningful way). Maybe you'll realize that you're just not ready to make a big commitment to her -- and you'll have to tell her that and let the chips fall where they may. Whatever the source of your doubts, you owe it to yourself and to your girlfriend to figure your own mind out. Sounds like you haven't been able to do that on your own, which is fine. So get the assistance you need. Talk to a counselor, a clergyman, or some other sound advisor who will take the time to listen to what you're saying, and who has the wisdom to help you to the insight you're looking for. Don't just bump along hoping this will resolve itself. It won't. It will just get worse.
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Old 27th April 2002, 8:47 AM   #4
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go

I totally understand what you are going through. You obviously want to move on and try new things. I went through the same thing 2 months ago...but didnt want to hurt my boyfriend (b/c he was so in love with me.) It was really hard for him, and hes still trying to get over it..but hes been going out and getting his mind off it. I was so worried about him for the 1st couple weeks...like being suicidal and everything...and he was DEEPLY depressed...but I helped him through it, and told him how much more to life there is than just me. Hes doing good now... I miss him, but I feel so good to be out on my own and free after 2 1/2 yrs. Write me if u need more help!!

Candi
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Old 27th April 2002, 11:38 AM   #5
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go

Breaking up is very hard to do----is the understatement of the world here. Only you know if you want to continue or not. If you decide to move on, do it as quickly as you can, lingering makes it worse. Yes it will hurt now, but it will hurt more the longer you continue the charade. Good luck.

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I totally understand what you are going through. You obviously want to move on and try new things. I went through the same thing 2 months ago...but didnt want to hurt my boyfriend (b/c he was so in love with me.) It was really hard for him, and hes still trying to get over it..but hes been going out and getting his mind off it. I was so worried about him for the 1st couple weeks...like being suicidal and everything...and he was DEEPLY depressed...but I helped him through it, and told him how much more to life there is than just me. Hes doing good now... I miss him, but I feel so good to be out on my own and free after 2 1/2 yrs. Write me if u need more help!! Candi
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Old 27th April 2002, 5:34 PM   #6
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go UPDATE

Part of the problem is I think I am not ready to settle down and may, in fact, want to date other people at some point. I don't want to hurt her, but I think that although she has been fun to date, I don't think she is marriage material. And we haven't really talked about marriage. I think she is too young (21) and I'm not ready yet (I'm 30). Another problem is religion. I am trying to get closer to God, maybe attend church more, etc., and she really isn't that religious. Not a dealbreaker in itself, but it isn't helping things either. She doesn't really take my increasingly religious "nature" seriously. I don't know, just several things that, added up, make me doubt whether or not I'm with the right person just yet.
Quote:
Okay. Is it possible to love someone, yet realize at the same time that you aren't meant for each other? I've dated this girl for a year and a half, and I love her, yet I've thought about this for months now: She is not "the one." I can't really see her as a potential wife, growing old with her, etc. I do have fun with her and care about her very deeply. And I do NOT want to hurt her. Obviously I'm confused. But at what point do you know that it's time to let go? Are there obvious signs? (Obvious to all but me, of course.) And is it possible that I'm (subconsciously) looking for "greener grass"? I would miss her if she weren't in my life, but I don't want to prolong this if it isn't meant to be. Suggestions and/or comments welcome.
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Old 27th April 2002, 6:04 PM   #7
C
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go UPDATE

I think when you said that you love her very much you didn't really mean that.
Quote:
Part of the problem is I think I am not ready to settle down and may, in fact, want to date other people at some point. I don't want to hurt her, but I think that although she has been fun to date, I don't think she is marriage material. And we haven't really talked about marriage. I think she is too young (21) and I'm not ready yet (I'm 30). Another problem is religion. I am trying to get closer to God, maybe attend church more, etc., and she really isn't that religious. Not a dealbreaker in itself, but it isn't helping things either. She doesn't really take my increasingly religious "nature" seriously. I don't know, just several things that, added up, make me doubt whether or not I'm with the right person just yet.
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Old 27th April 2002, 8:34 PM   #8
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Re: Should I Stay or Should I Go UPDATE

The things you cite are things you ought to be talking to her about. If religion is an issue for you and you don't perceive her to be on the same wavelength that you are on, why not talk to her about it -- are you afraid she'll dissuade you from your chosen path? You ought to give her a chance to speak, maybe you've misperceived her views on the subject. It's unfair to write someone off before they've had a chance to clarify where they stand.

If you're just not feeling ready for a permanent commitment, fine. That's perfectly reasonable. But it does seem a bit strange to balk at a commitment that no one seems to have asked you to make. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to feel that you're ready to end the relationship, move on, and date other people. Perfectly fine and if that's what you want, no further justification is necessary.

You might live to regret it, sure. Or maybe not. But don't kid yourself that it's something wrong with her or with the relationship per se. It's you -- you want something different. Don't dress it up as something else. Make your own decisions and admit the real reasons. Don't try to put the onus on her, by telling her that her different views on religion or other things are what make you want to end the relationship with her. That's not fair, and you'll cause her a lot of unnecessary grief, she'll be left wondering, "what if I changed my views on this or that, would it have worked out?"

Just tell her that you don't love her enough to stay with her and that you're ready to move on. That's the truth, isn't it? She'll probably be hurt, but your message will be clear, you don't love her enough to want to stay with her, so that she won't have false hopes of getting back together. You'll both move on, and that will be that.

You don't want to be harsh to her, of course. But making up silly excuses when the plain truth is simply that you want out does no one any good. That's what my ex boyfriend did to me last year, and it just prolonged the agony for both of us. If he'd just admitted: "look, I don't love you enough to make the kind of commitment and sacrifices that keeping you in my life would require," it would have been an open-and-shut case. Instead he tried to feed me all kinds of ridiculous reasons as to why we "just weren't right for each other," none of which held up under the light of day. He couldn't even admit to himself the real reasons for our break-up. In the last year he's made himself look like an utter ass, moaning about how much pain he was in because he'd lost me, to the point where he couldn't bear to communicate with me; jumping into silly, ill-advised relationships that weren't about moving on but about escaping from the truth about what he'd done. He was a Man on the Rebound and in Serious Denial. There's been a lot of confusion, angst & animosity between us since the break-up. All unnecessary, and it wouldn't have been anywhere near as bad -- for him or for me -- if he'd just had the courage to be honest.

Maybe breaking up with her will be a mistake. Maybe it will prove to be the right thing to do. If you're going to do it, just do it. Don't dance around it. Be honest with yourself and with her. The wounds will heal much more quickly and cleanly if you are honest.
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