I made a terrible mistake!

[stayin' alive]

I made a terrible mistake and hurt my boyfriend very badly. I apologized profusely, and he said that he forgave me, but couldn't move past it. He broke up with me, but said that he would like to remain friends if I would like to. I completely understand why he broke up with me, even though I wish that things had turned out differently. I know that he is moving on, and we don't have a future together. He made this very clear. It has been a month. Do you think that contacting him with a friendly email to say "Hello" is a bad idea, or should I maintain NC?

[ThomasX]

NC.

 

Did you cheat on 'em or something?

[stayin' alive]

No...much worse. I drank waaaaay too much when I went out with work friends that I actually ended up blacking out. I haven't had that much to drink in ten years. I got my wires crossed, and thought he had ditched me when we were supposed to meet up later that night. I freaked out on him, and left him about ten horrible horrible messages on his voicemail saying nasty things that I had never even consciously believed. Then I actually pushed him when I saw him later that evening. I don't remember almost any of this. I am mortified. I have never done anything like that in my life. I know my behavior was inexcusable, and I am trying to forgive myself.

 

We got involved very quickly after my last relationship, in which my boyfriend was extremely verbally abusive. I think that all my built-up insecurities, fear and anger just exploded, and unfortunately he was on the receiving end.

 

I am seeing a counselor now, and trying to get back to loving myself. I know that he did the right thing by breaking up with me, because he is an emotionally healthy guy, and I am just not there yet.

[ThomasX]

No...much worse. I drank waaaaay too much when I went out with work friends that I actually ended up blacking out. I haven't had that much to drink in ten years. I got my wires crossed, and thought he had ditched me when we were supposed to meet up later that night. I freaked out on him, and left him about ten horrible horrible messages on his voicemail saying nasty things that I had never even consciously believed. Then I actually pushed him when I saw him later that evening. I don't remember almost any of this. I am mortified. I have never done anything like that in my life. I know my behavior was inexcusable, and I am trying to forgive myself.

 

We got involved very quickly after my last relationship, in which my boyfriend was extremely verbally abusive. I think that all my built-up insecurities, fear and anger just exploded, and unfortunately he was on the receiving end.

 

I am seeing a counselor now, and trying to get back to loving myself. I know that he did the right thing by breaking up with me, because he is an emotionally healthy guy, and I am just not there yet.

 

 

You are honestly very wise, from what I can tell. That is a great thing!

 

I can tell you're no idiot, and you have a good head on your shoulders. Chances are you're correct about past pent up anger. Your current ex maybe should take that into consideration.

 

But at least you are seeing a counselor, and that is cause for a congratulations. You will be healthy again soon, and this will never happen again. We all make mistakes. (Including me. I've made a bunch).

[stayin' alive]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is extremely difficult to change patterns of thinking that are negative, yet have been ingrained for so long. I am hoping that counseling will help. For me, I think my parents' divorce also played a part in my insecurities and fears. Hopefully, by facing the pain head-on, I will become a stronger and better person.

 

I know that the relationship as it stood would never have worked, as my insecurities and neediness would have eventually driven him away. I truly want him to be happy. He said he was really shocked by what happened and that no one has ever treated him so disrespectfully in his life. I know I need to focus on myself right now, but I would love to see how he is. Maybe I am being selfish, because I am hoping that he won't be angry anymore. However, I know that one cannot control how others feel. I just don't want to upset him by contacting him too soon, and perhaps cut-off the possibility for a friendship in the future. Do you think I should give it more time?

[lofi_tokyo]

I think giving it more time is a good idea. It sounds like he left you because he felt he had no choice - he was betrayed. That means hes probably hurting right now, at least a little. Its probably best to give it a bit more time, continue working on yourself, and when you are finally feeling really on top of your emotions, call him up.

 

I'd like to believe he will sincerely appreciate you working on yourself, and all the while giving space. Maybe it will prove to him you are mature enough and reflective enough to get a second chance. I don't know if you should necessarily hold out for that, but with hard work, maybe reconciliation is possible?

 

****

Edit:

Its entirely possible though that regardless of if you call now, or call a month later, or a year later, the result may just be that its done. For some people, even a drunken kiss can be an absolute deal breaker. Its terminal.

[Dexter Morgan]

I made a terrible mistake and hurt my boyfriend very badly. I apologized profusely' date=' and he said that he forgave me, but couldn't move past it. He broke up with me, but said that he would like to remain friends if I would like to. I completely understand why he broke up with me, even though I wish that things had turned out differently. I know that he is moving on, and we don't have a future together. He made this very clear. It has been a month. Do you think that contacting him with a friendly email to say "Hello" is a bad idea, or should I maintain NC?[/quote']

 

I think contacting him would only serve your interests. I am assuming you cheated on him. If that is the case, and he made it clear you have no future with him, then breaking contact will not allow him to heal and move on. It would be playing games with his head.

[Dexter Morgan]

No...much worse. I drank waaaaay too much when I went out with work friends that I actually ended up blacking out. I haven't had that much to drink in ten years. I got my wires crossed' date=' and thought he had ditched me when we were supposed to meet up later that night. I freaked out on him, and left him about ten horrible horrible messages on his voicemail saying nasty things that I had never even consciously believed. Then I actually pushed him when I saw him later that evening. I don't remember almost any of this. I am mortified. I have never done anything like that in my life. I know my behavior was inexcusable, and I am trying to forgive myself.[/quote']

 

 

Ok, that clarifies it. So you didn't cheat. What you said to him must have been some humdingers. Because to me angry words may not be a deal-breaker, where cheating is.

 

I don't suppose you care to elaborate as to what messages you left him?

[ThomasX]

Ok, that clarifies it. So you didn't cheat. What you said to him must have been some humdingers. Because to me angry words may not be a deal-breaker, where cheating is.

 

I don't suppose you care to elaborate as to what messages you left him?

 

 

... Yeah I kind of want to hear what you said to him too >_>

[stayin' alive]

Okay wow. Here goes. I think the fact that I pushed him was what really got him. In this twisted turn of events I got locked out of my apartment and had to stay with him that night. He said that I kept repeating the same things over and over for about 3 hours, and wouldn't go to bed. I don't remember any of this, but he said I basically kept saying what was in the messages.

 

1) The first one was pretty much just calling him curse words

2) The second one was me telling him that I am tired of competing with his ex fiance and that I understand why he didn't get married

3) I told him that I should sleep with my coworker that likes me, because at least he cares about me and my boyfriend doesn't.

4) On one I asked him why he just can't ever say he is sorry when he screws up

 

That is pretty much the gist. Oh, and I kept saying FU pretty much after every message. Gosh, when I think about it, it's so bad that I cringe.

 

I mean this is something totally out of character. I would never ever behave like that if I wasn't blacked out on wine. Please don't think I am making an excuse. I definitely am not. It's just I would never say things like sober.

 

I was very insecure about his ex-fiance, because he told me a lot about their relationship, and all the nice things he did for her, but wasn't necessarily willing to do the same at that stage in our relationship, because he had gotten burned. I took it personally though.

 

He told me that he thinks I need to deal with my issues before going further in a relationship, and he is absolutely right. My self-esteem is really shot at this point. My last boyfriend did a number on me, and I let him, but I am trying to improve and love myself again.

[Dexter Morgan]

Okay wow. Here goes. I think the fact that I pushed him was what really got him. In this twisted turn of events I got locked out of my apartment and had to stay with him that night. He said that I kept repeating the same things over and over for about 3 hours, and wouldn't go to bed. I don't remember any of this, but he said I basically kept saying what was in the messages.

 

1) The first one was pretty much just calling him curse words

2) The second one was me telling him that I am tired of competing with his ex fiance and that I understand why he didn't get married

 

 

Ok, the first 2 on the list may be bad, but not the end of the world. Sure I don't like being cussed at, but I can think of worse things.

 

 

3) I told him that I should sleep with my coworker that likes me, because at least he cares about me and my boyfriend doesn't.

 

Boom! #3 here is the deal breaker. I can see why he left. You threatened him, compared him to another man, and now he has serious doubts whether he can trust you, much less feel good about you being around this other guy you threatened him with.

 

Everyone is different, but I wouldn't stay with someone that threatened to cheat on me.

 

so my advice is to leave him alone. He needs to move on and heal. Because if you ever did get back with him, #3 will stick in his mind and he won't be able to trust you, especially since you work with a guy you said you should sleep with.

[stayin' alive]

I understand what you are saying. In all fairness, I have described this coworker as a dirtbag to my ex before, because he hit on me and has a wife. He also works in an office in another state. I told this guy in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in him, and I meant it. I don't know why I said something so stupid. I would never ever sleep with that guy, or cheat. I have never cheated on anyone before, and my ex knows that. I understand it was a ridiculous thing to say, but I have to believe that my ex knows that it completely out of character for me to do something like that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I understand what you are saying. In all fairness' date=' I have described this coworker as a dirtbag to my ex before, because he hit on me and has a wife.[/quote']

 

 

Not saying this pertains to your situation, but my xW would talk bad about other guys all the time. Turns out it was because she was screwing them.

 

 

 

He also works in an office in another state. I told this guy in no uncertain terms that I wasn't interested in him, and I meant it. I don't know why I said something so stupid. I would never ever sleep with that guy, or cheat.

 

I would tend to believe you. But you now put serious doubts in his head. Alot of people would think, if you can say it, you will do it. And the fact that you were drinking probably tips him off that you said what you really felt because your inhibitions were down.

 

 

I have never cheated on anyone before, and my ex knows that. I understand it was a ridiculous thing to say, but I have to believe that my ex knows that it completely out of character for me to do something like that.

 

Well if you had cheated on him, I'd say leave him completely alone.

 

however I still say leave him alone. let him sort his head out. If he can realize you just said a stupid thing and it is nothing more, then he'll come back to you. maybe after your counseling.

 

Oh, and if you really want to change, I'd say drinking is over.

[stayin' alive]

Yeah...I definitely didn't cheat on him. That coworker was actually working on a proposal down at our office, and came out with us for happy hour on that fateful day. I definitely didn't cheat on my ex, and I never would. I think I just said to hurt him as much as I was hurting. Ridiculous I know.

 

I still drink, but I have a two drink maximum now. I don't ever drink more than two, and I will not again. I have a drink, then a water, then another drink and a water, and then I am out.

[stayin' alive]

So the consensus is to wait? My Dad said I shouldn't contact him for at least six months. I miss him so much, but I understand that I betrayed him, and even though he said he wanted to be friends, he may not mean it. Our mutual friend that introduced us asked him why we didn't talk anymore, and he said, because I said I didn't want to be friends, and he was respecting that. Maybe he was just trying to be nice though.

[lkjh]

Im sorry you are going through this but honestly I don't think I would get back together with a girl that threaten to sleep with another man. I don't care how many bad things you said about the guy Im sure its in the back of your exbf's head.

[stayin' alive]

I am sure you are right. I really really didn't mean it though. I would never do that to anyone. Sigh. I guess sometimes we say things that can't be taken back.

[WiseOne1]

I understand your situation, however this is not all your fault, not 100% maybe 70 or 80%. He's in the wrong in a small way and I think most of us on LS can agree with this one

 

"Its discrimination" Although we have all been burned by ex's before, you cant hold that against the next person, your ex did it, not them! Everyone deserves a chance, its kind of like stereotyping.

 

He’s doing exactly what a ex wants you to do, a ex doesn’t want to hear you treat a new GF the same as she was treated or better, so instead he declines aspects of your relationship and im not sure what he did for his ex that he didn’t do for you...

 

Maybe buying her gifts, spending more money, making sacrifices or such, but you had every right to take it personal, how would he feel if you told him that your weren’t going to sleep with him because you slept with a past ex and it didn’t work out, he'd be pissed!

 

However I think you should give him time as well.

[stayin' alive]

Sorry this is going to be so long-winded, and THANKS "WiseOne1". When I brought that up to him when we broke up, he said that he was "getting mad", and not that he said he wouldn't do the same for me, but that he wasn't willing to do "all that I required". I actually laughed and said I didn't "require" much. I really don't. Mostly, I "require" thoughtfulness.

 

For example, I asked him to go to my best friend's wedding (we have known each other since we were seven). He told me "no", because he is deathly afraid to fly, which I know is true, (although he will fly to see sporting events) and that he didn't have the money. I offered to buy him a ticket, because I wanted him to be there, and I knew it would be emotional, as my best friend's Dad has a terminal disease. Then THREE days later, he asked me to go to an out-of-town wedding that we could drive to, the weekend before my best friend's wedding.

 

Also, his ex told him the romance was dead in their relationship, so he vowed to buy her flowers every Friday. He told me that he never bought me flowers, because he would buy her cheap flowers, and he knows how particular I am about flowers. He said that he wouldn't want to get me something I didn't like. Ummm...yes...I do buy myself flowers a lot, because I like them. I spend about an hour each week making a new arrangement. I do this to treat myself, because I don't treat myself a lot. It is a little indulgence that makes me happy. I didn't even NEED flowers from him. It would have just been nice as a thought. I am always always gracious when someone buys me a gift, even if I really don't like it. I truly feel it's all about the thought.

 

Also, after we had been dating for four months, he didn't even buy me a card, let alone, even a tiny, cheap little thoughtful gift, for my birthday. My two close friends organized a happy hour where about 25 people came. It was so thoughtful, and made me feel really good to know how much I love my friends and they love me. He talked to his friend on the phone for about an hour that night about sports teams. He said he had a plan for taking me out and buying a gift, but it never came to fruition of course.

 

I would go to all of his football tailgate parties with him, because he loved doing that. Sorry, but we are 32, and I don't want to drink for 6 hours before a college football game, and play flip cup all day. Not one of his friends ever introduced themselves to me, or even said "hello". No joke. He told me that his friends and family aren't warm and welcoming like mine. He said they are insular, and don't know how to deal with someone new. Ummm...okay. No...they are just rude.

 

He also took me to his Mom's huge birthday party where there were about 150 people. I knew three people there, and he left me for four hours to hang out with his friends. When I confronted him about it, he said he "didn't have to worry about me, because I can talk to anyone." Yes, I will say that is one of my good points...I talk to everyone and anyone, and try to relate. Ummm...I am sorry though, but as my sister said "That is a d%$# move."

 

After he and his ex had been broken up for months, they met up for drinks. She got drunk, and drove her car home, even though he said he would pay for a cab. One of her tires blew, and he took the day off of work to help her change it, and sort out the mess. However, after we had been dating for a month, my oil light started blinking when I was on the way to a doctor's appointment. He was about 3 miles away at my house getting ready for work. He didn't have his car, but when I called him and asked him if he thought I could drive, he said he didn't know, and I should figure it out. He did call about ten times after we talked to see if I was okay, but wtf. Take a cab and help me. I am not helpless, but I was kindof stuck.

 

Lastly, he bought his ex an $800 dress to attend a party. I would never ask for any gift...EVER. I think buying an $800 dress is beyond ridiculous, and I would NEVER accept such lavish, and unnecessary gift. I loaned him $350 when he was low on funds. He paid me back a month later, but wtf. We were dating for two months at the time. I don't think I am a pushover, but I am a thoughtful person...I will give myself that. As much as he said that he would NEVER say the things to me that I said to him, I would NEVER treat someone differently because I had been burned. My ex treated me like absolute doo doo, which I must take partial blame for, because I allowed him to do that, but I would never treat him in any way lesser than my ex, because of what happened.

 

I am not a snob, but come on. I worked my arse off to get where I am. I got a Masters in Finance (which I don't even really like), in order to save for the future. My parents were highschool honeys that had nothing when we were kids. They both grew up in blue collar families. I don't care what the he&& your job is. Everyone is special, no matter what they do. Luckily, my parents are monetarily successful at this point, because they put themselves through school, and struggled and saved a lot. I put a crapload of money into my 401K each month...more than I can even really afford, so that my future will HOPEFULLY be solid. His ex worked for an energy drink company, and would call on bars to provide them with this energy drink. Okay...fine. That doesn't say anything about her charcter or intelligence. However, I don't have the luxury of waking up at 4PM, and going to work at 6PM, because I have been drinking all night. He is an attorney, so it's not like he doesn't get that. I have never depended on anyone else to get me anywhere, and it did offend me that because she seemed helpless, and I am not, that he would do so much for her. I think that is BS. They were going to get married, and I asked him why he wanted to marry her. He told me that "She was always up for a good time." Well...I would be too, if someone else was worrying about money. However, I am NOT that way, and could never be. I will never rely on someone else to take care of me. He told me that I was the smartest woman he ever dated. Great...I am smart, but so are many other people. I used to go into the bathroom and talk to him while he was showering, and he said that she would never do something so "intimate". Are you kidding? That to me is just normal. I just don't get it. Maybe he just wants someone that depends on him. Who knows.