I never thought it was so hard. Long read!!

[Nobel]

Why can't just stop doubting myself about my relationship. Tomorrow marks our very first year, but for more than half of the year I have been doubting myself. I'll give you a chronological run-down of what happened.

 

June 2000- we had I small arguement and the word (break-up) was said (never intended mind you);from there I became so terrified that I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. I really didn't know. Negative thoughts built on negative thoughts and I became a mess. I did not know what to do, my only resolution was to tell her I needed some time alone to think things over. That lasted less than a week.

 

September 2000- During the summer, I sought professional help, the sessions didn't really remove the demons, just pushed them farther back into my mind so whenever the thoughts came up, they really did not bother me. At this point we were still together, but when she would kiss me, I got so scared. We still stayed together, still had good times.

 

New Years- Things changed, I didn't doubt whether I wanted to be with her or not, it was a matter of whether I loved her or not. I told what I was feeling and wasn't sure if I should tell her or not. She said not to if I wasn't sure. I should have because all the demons came back.

 

March (last week)- again I didn't think about anything I was just enjoying my relationship, but last week I got mad for no reason, every little thing she did I got angry. It was as if I wanted to run away from my fears. Sometimes I would look at her and wanted to she beauty (but never did), but when I didn't try to examine her I saw the most beautiful person in the world (as I type that tears come to my eyes- I don't know why), but I still get scared.

 

Yesterday- She tells me that she wants to be with me, but it is hard for her to put up with what I do. Made me cry for her to say that, because I never wanted to hurt her.

 

I just want the thoughts to go away for good...so I can enjoy her and myself. I get the notion to end it, because it is easier (take the high road), but I run from everything and I will not run from this, but when the thoughts come, it gets very hard to fight the head with the heart.

 

P.S. - I have long gotten over what happened in June, but it seems that with every new episode I have gone through, the script does not go along with pervious experiences. Like someone is toying with me.

 

One thing for sure is that I like being with her, and will do what it takes to be with her. And as I type that, I think "maybe that's the problem"!!!

[Ed]

Did you mean to ask a question or are you just looking for someplace to unload?

[Nobel]

I feel so confused, I won't leave her, but I would like to hear from someone, other than myself. If you want you can read my previous post "Mind playing tricks on me".

 

Thanks

Did you mean to ask a question or are you just looking for someplace to unload?

[velvet]

Its normal to fight, have arguments, and consider what life would be like without your other half. From your post, it looks like these thoughts came every few months. Thats not abnormal for a r/s to go through that once in awhile.

 

You have to start caring more about her, stop being selfish of your on feelings. Than you will find your way and find the answer. If you dont mind the change, than do it. Otherwise the only person holding you back is you.

 

Why can't just stop doubting myself about my relationship. Tomorrow marks our very first year, but for more than half of the year I have been doubting myself. I'll give you a chronological run-down of what happened. June 2000- we had I small arguement and the word (break-up) was said (never intended mind you);from there I became so terrified that I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. I really didn't know. Negative thoughts built on negative thoughts and I became a mess. I did not know what to do, my only resolution was to tell her I needed some time alone to think things over. That lasted less than a week. September 2000- During the summer, I sought professional help, the sessions didn't really remove the demons, just pushed them farther back into my mind so whenever the thoughts came up, they really did not bother me. At this point we were still together, but when she would kiss me, I got so scared. We still stayed together, still had good times. New Years- Things changed, I didn't doubt whether I wanted to be with her or not, it was a matter of whether I loved her or not. I told what I was feeling and wasn't sure if I should tell her or not. She said not to if I wasn't sure. I should have because all the demons came back.

 

March (last week)- again I didn't think about anything I was just enjoying my relationship, but last week I got mad for no reason, every little thing she did I got angry. It was as if I wanted to run away from my fears. Sometimes I would look at her and wanted to she beauty (but never did), but when I didn't try to examine her I saw the most beautiful person in the world (as I type that tears come to my eyes- I don't know why), but I still get scared. Yesterday- She tells me that she wants to be with me, but it is hard for her to put up with what I do. Made me cry for her to say that, because I never wanted to hurt her. I just want the thoughts to go away for good...so I can enjoy her and myself. I get the notion to end it, because it is easier (take the high road), but I run from everything and I will not run from this, but when the thoughts come, it gets very hard to fight the head with the heart. P.S. - I have long gotten over what happened in June, but it seems that with every new episode I have gone through, the script does not go along with pervious experiences. Like someone is toying with me. One thing for sure is that I like being with her, and will do what it takes to be with her. And as I type that, I think "maybe that's the problem"!!!

[Nobel]

I read your response **(I never thought it was so hard. Long read!!)**, and thank-you for your insight, but how do I go about shifting my focus to her if I can't get my head in check.

 

It's like this, today I feel all scared, next week I feel fine and don't pay attention to what happened the previous week (I enjoy the relationship and her so much more), but that previous week always comes back, sometimes mild, and sometimes very strong; like now. I feel like running away, but I won't. Is this what feeling real LOVE for the first time is like. Because I have had girlfriends before (not many, but a few), I have had physical encounters before, but this girl has done something to me (figuratively) that I don't know how to explain.

[velvet]

Are you afraid of the commitment, and feel jailed? Why are you scared? Or are you just completely lost, and dont know what to think and feel?

 

When your in love and want to love that person completely, it should come easy. What triggers the feelings of wanting to let her go so you can run away? What do you want to run to?

 

I cant tell you how to put your focus on her, it should come naturally. Do you have wishy washy feelings about other things? School,work,friends,family,pets,food?

 

Do you constantly feel you cant make up your mind? Are you a Gimini?

 

Tell you something, you keep thinking this way, you will loose her for sure! What you think, you can become! Have you herd that one before? Its the truth.

 

It sounds like you recognize something about yourself that you want to change. Training your thoughts and emotions takes strength and a new level of thinking. You discover a new way of thinking, processing, and feeling.

 

Of course if this is something that is taking a serious effect on the r/s, ask a doctor for help for the sake of the r/s.

 

I admire your courage, I hope you find your way.

 

 

 

I read your response **(I never thought it was so hard. Long read!!)**, and thank-you for your insight, but how do I go about shifting my focus to her if I can't get my head in check.

 

It's like this, today I feel all scared, next week I feel fine and don't pay attention to what happened the previous week (I enjoy the relationship and her so much more), but that previous week always comes back, sometimes mild, and sometimes very strong; like now. I feel like running away, but I won't. Is this what feeling real LOVE for the first time is like. Because I have had girlfriends before (not many, but a few), I have had physical encounters before, but this girl has done something to me (figuratively) that I don't know how to explain.