Jump to content

after split - bf texting girl


Recommended Posts

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, we have had a fab time, been on a two week holiday and all sorts. We met at work, I was a senior manager and he wasnt which was intersting at the start but work were fine about it. We saw each other every day and I lived and breathed that place, working 14 hour days and generally working hard. This month I was let go, very distressing but bf was great, really supportive. Course now we dont see each other that much, he works lates so doesnt finish until gone midnight and Im then sleeping to get up early for my new job.

 

Yesterday he said he didnt know what he wanted - I sensed things werent right, I found texts from a 17 year old girl (he is 25) last week and got really upset, he said she was just a friend but because she works late (not at the same place) they are usually awake at the same time. They both live in a small village with not alot going on, I live 20 miles away. They see each other in the only pub there if he gets out of work early and he assured me she is just a friend. I do trust him but just said I didnt like it - he said he would stop texting her then. Since then I found texts because she is now seeing someone who didnt like her texting him!!! My bf was asking who it was and she didnt say because her relationship is a secret (??) My bf said she shouldnt put up with it and that he was "there for her". Then last night he says he doesnt know what he wants. I left, drove all the way home and he didnt try to stop me. He said he would be gutted if we split and when I got home, when I was most upset I said I would make it easy for him and end it - he didnt disagree.

 

I jsut want him to put up some sort of a fight but he just isnt like that - when we met he said he was "emotionally retarded" and it took him months to tell him he loved me. His friends say they have never seen him so happy or so close to anyone - it just doesnt make sense.

 

I am gutted and tearful all the time, its only been 24 hour but I dont know what to do!!!!!!! Have I been stupid in ending it? My gut feeling says if he wanted me he would have stopped me. It also says I dont want to be with someone who doesnt know if they want to be with me but that is so hard to accept.......

 

Im one sad puppy!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Awww. I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. I say don't contact him and be strong. I suspect things aren't going to work out favorably with the 17-year old, if he is indeed confused because of her.

 

Just hold your ground. If he finally discovers that he knows what he wants, and it's you, he'll be contacting you. Just have confidence in yourself, cry all you want, but don't let him see it. He doesn't deserve it at this point.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you - you are right, I sense Im going to have a long night tonight, waiting for him to finish work and waiting to see if he contacts me....I dont think he will, god I hate it when my gut instinct is right!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

From one sad puppy to another...

 

Just try to look at things logically. I know, the overwhelming power your heart has, but think about it with your head. He let you walk, didnt stop you, nothing. I assume he hasnt sent flowers or letters with his feelings in them, etc. You did indeed make it easy for him, but dont think you did the wrong thing.

 

Also, as I've read this forum I keep coming across people who got the same thing as me. " I dont know what I want" "I just cant decide if youre the one" etc are all completely and utterly BS. Its just something people say to give you the impression that theyre a wonderful person who tried their hardest to convince themselves that you are the right one, when in actuality, his actions show me that he obviously knows what he wants and has decided its not you for whatever reason.

 

Youre better than that, you dont need him. I know its hard, and I know life is going to be crap for a couple months, but youll get past this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
- when we met he said he was "emotionally retarded" ... My gut feeling says if he wanted me he would have stopped me.

The thing is, he is probably right in his self-assessment of being under-developed (aka 'immature'), emotionally. But...that would make it easier for him to deal with the (immature) emotions of a 17 y/o, than someone (you!) who is continuing to emotionally grow and develop.

 

I wouldn't even see it as him wanting you or not...his "adult self" probably does want you..perhaps very much, but he is letting his "child self" run the show and direct his feelings/actions. And, since you ARE becoming more emotionally mature, likely it wouldn't have played out to your own satisfaction for very much longer.

 

That doesn't make the pain any less severe, I'm sure. But hopefully it does help on some other level, to know that this is about his lack of emotional intelligence and has nothing to do with the person that you are. (((hugs)))

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am amazed at the wonderful responses people give on here - unbiased and very logical. Yes it hurts but this reasoning is helping.

 

Am sat listening to Sad FM, feeling like Briget Jones with my cats...ggrrrr!

 

Thank you though, it truly does help x x x

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well it is all over - he truly doesnt want to talk about anything and says it just wont work, he has stopped all contact and today I was strong and deleted him and his friends from facebook. I am gutted and just dont know what to do now, I have this space in my life, evenings and weekends with nothing to fill it, knowing he is having a jolly good time with all his friends which is crushing! I know I wont feel like this forwever but right now this feeling wont go away.........I cant imagine ever moving on!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well it is all over - he truly doesnt want to talk about anything and says it just wont work, he has stopped all contact and today I was strong and deleted him and his friends from facebook. I am gutted and just dont know what to do now, I have this space in my life, evenings and weekends with nothing to fill it, knowing he is having a jolly good time with all his friends which is crushing! I know I wont feel like this forwever but right now this feeling wont go away.........I cant imagine ever moving on!

 

Its better to know and move forward than to be strung along and hurt over and over. I was strung along for over a year before, and it was the most gut wrenching year of my life. You dont want to live in limbo, its just not healthy.

 

Fill your time with exercise, reading, going out with friends, and whatever you want to do. The first month or so is going to seem like its impossible, but I can assure you it starts to get better.

 

And who cares what he is or isnt doing right now. Dont worry or think about it, its only going to make you feel bad. Its not your concern any longer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well it is all over - .....I cant imagine ever moving on!

(((hugs)))

Congrats for finding your strength to delete him and his friends...that's an excellent (and mature :)) start!

 

You do have limitless possibilities of how you can, eventually, fill up that space with positive, self-affirming thoughts and activities that leave you feeling really good about who you are. It will come in time. For now, just allow yourself to grieve your loss in whatever ways feel good and natural for you.

 

In the meantime, why not pretend that you have already moved on...what does your life look like, then? What are you doing? What type of support and encouragement are you giving and getting from your friends, new and old? What have you learned from that relationship you had, a long time ago, with that "emotionally retarded" 25 y/o? What do you have in your life now, that you never could have had with someone like that? When you're ready for one, what's your new beau like...how's he treating you...what does he value in life...what do you love most about him? What are you valuing in your life, now that you've moved on?

It's just pretend, so go wild -- live in a castle and have a hundred 'personal assistants' to run your errands and do your chores, if that's what you want. You could just visualize, or you could journal, or you could start a blog about it.

 

And yeah...he is going to look like he's have a "jolly time" -- but it's also a jolly immature time, a jolly "retarded" time, like he said himself. Leave him to it, cos at some point he is going to crash and burn, and all his "retarded jollies" aren't going to help him then. I'm pretty confident about that.

 

I am sorry you're going through this. Like you said, it will get easier and better over time. Until then, just take care of yourself in all the ways you know how to do...and some new ways that your creative mind will conjure up for you, too. And then hopefully it won't suck as much as it does now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...