journey1 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Did anyone you love and were seeing ever say to you " I love you and the thought of us not being together for our one life hurts me, but you deserve the best and I am not that for you. And I ahte that more than you know???? Does this mean he is already with someone else??? I also got a text " If I feel like we are better off together than apart, I will try to get you back?? What does this crap mean?? We were trying to make this work. He'd spend 4 days a week with me but wouldnt call the other three?? Maybe there was a side dish. He wouldnt commit!!! PS We were engaged, broke it off and tried reconsiling but he never fully came back I guess....ANY THOUGHTS??????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 It does sound like there is someone else, I'm sorry to say. When my ex-husband was trying to convince me that he wasn't ending our marriage to go date his married co-worker, he told me "You deserve better." The fact that this guy is basically encouraging you to stick around in case he determines that you're better off together is really priceless. What, pray tell, is going to be the determining factor that allows him to decide? NOT being together? How is that going to help? I'm guessing that he wants to see if he can make things work out with another woman and if he decides it isn't working, then he'll come back. I encourage you to make the decision FOR him. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
iwanttolive Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Did you guys experience any major problems before he said this? My ex and I loved each other but both of us had issues and we were both miserable sticking together despite our love.. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I love you and the thought of us not being together for our one life hurts me, but you deserve the best and I am not that for you. And I ahte that more than you know???? If I feel like we are better off together than apart, I will try to get you back?? I can tell if from the point of view of someone who used nearly these exact lines in a very similar situation. Here is the translation: 1. I love you, but I don't want to be with you right now and I don't want to look like a bad guy, so I will say that it is for your benefit that I'm doing this. I'm going to make myself look bad by saying that I don't deserve you. That way you don't feel so bad about me leaving, but on the other hand I'm saying it so that you will say in your mind... "but you are the best!". I tell you that it is tearing me apart, because I want to manipulate you into thinking that I can't bear to be away from you. I am trying to look selfless and concerned for your well-being, because it will get you to sympathize with me, and make it more likely that I can get you back if this other thing doesn't work out. 2. I'm either seeing someone else, or getting ready to and if it doesn't work out, I want to know that you are still on the back burner. What to say to counter this and sidestep that blatant manipulation? Here's an example that will shut him down and keep you with the power in the relationship: Him: I love you and the thought of us not being together for our one life hurts me, but you deserve the best and I am not that for you. And I ahte that more than you know???? You: I love you too, and I think you are right. I do deserve better. I think we should just call it quits and stay out of contact with each other. Him: If I feel like we are better off together than apart, I will try to get you back?? You: I don't think that will be a good idea. I am planning on seeing what else is out there for me, and stepping backward like that won't help me. Good luck with your future. GOODBYE Period. End of story. Tell him you want NO contact. None. Nada. Nothing shuts down manipulation faster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey1 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thank you for all your ideas. He swears that there is noone else. He told me to look through his phone and check. He told me he has nothing to lie about. He just said that after us trying all these years that something inside him changed. He also said there is no other girl nor does he want one. A relationship is the last thing I want he claims???? Who the hell knows. Its really strange because he would spend his entire weekend with me....leading me to believe how can there be time for another......... unless she had someone who she was spending hers with. I dont know. I really am starting to hate him! Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 My ex g/f fed me the BS "its me not you" blah blah . Yeah,then I find out she was bangin her coworker. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 My ex g/f fed me the BS "its me not you" blah blah . Yeah,then I find out she was bangin her coworker. Sorry, could not possibly resist: "You're giving me tha 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented this routine! Nobody tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, that's me!" (George Costanza) But, to address the OPs thread, I'll sing with the choir: this is bull***. A very pathetic attempt not to own one's actions. Forget him. (If somebody honestly thought you deserved better and loved you, they'd hold onto you with all they had and would try to improve themselves so they deserve you. The other possibility is what my girlfriend did - being so pathologically insecure and jealous, that eventually she did act in a self-destructive mode by dumping me for a loser.) Link to post Share on other sites
wierdmunky Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Are you dating my ex?? lol. I swear I went through the EXACT same thing. He didn't want to plan the wedding, didn't want to do anything with my family, he disappeared after the proposal almost... I initiated a break to clear our heads, and we never got back together. In fact, a whole week after, I heard he had been hooking up with a mutual friend of his sisters! It's hard but after the first 3-4 months I was starting to see that life was better. There are so many more opportunities to be had on people who actually want to treat you the way you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
carrot10 Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 I heard something like that myself last night. The one thing about me is that when I'm done, I'm done. He doesn't love me then fine. Bye.. I agree with everything everyone has said. LB awesome advice!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 All to familiar... here's few more classic quotes I heard. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "I'm just not good at being married." "I'm setting you free so that you can find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved." All code for-- "Someone else is getting me hot and bothered now and I want to reduce my guilty feelings by making it seem like I'm doing you a favor.... " Link to post Share on other sites
Cheshire Cat Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I do not think there is necessarily some other girl out there he is interested in (although it is very likely), but such a sentence usually means he is no longer in love with you and he is much less into you as he thinks you are into him. Link to post Share on other sites
Issues & tissues Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 My ex gave me all of the above lines. And even though he swore there was no-one else, it turned out that he was nailing every Tom, Dick, Harry and his dog! My only regret is that I didn't kick his @$$ out the door sooner --i.e. when I first smelled a rat! Stick to LBs advice above and you will come out of this much stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Oh, yes. My crap radar just went on. That's settled, then. This is utter crap. I remember participating in a thread where people listed the reasons their exes gave them for leaving. I'm not disrespecting anyone's heartbreak, but seeing other members infuse humor in their situation - and other people I can infuse humor in mine with - was very, very satisfying. Link to post Share on other sites
suzie q Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 i might be naive, but i just don't think we can all just assume he is full of it. no, it's not fair and it's not right, but maybe he really doesn't feel like he can give you what you need right now. in any case, the best thing to do is let him be and initiate no contact. it's not fair for him to string you along whether or not he cares about you, bottom line is he doesn't know what he wants. i'm really terribly sorry you're hurting--i know, it sucks! trust me, i know it just as well as the rest of us. by not being in contact with him (starting now!) you are able to figure out what YOU want and if what YOU want even involves him anyways. good luck, i'm here listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey1 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 I contacted him after 9 days and he still denys my accusations...overall he had nothing comforting to say.....and it made me crazed and i just kept texing. Its liKE the devil posessed me. I had no control...the more he ignored the more i had to fight thru text. Now i look weak, defeated and pathetic. I encourage all people reading this who are tempted to contact...............dont!!!!!!! Unless you were the one who dumped then you will make someone happy by contacting them...only if your intentions are good. Thanks for all the replys. I want to puke now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
suzie q Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 journey: i'm sorry you feel so crappy. what you said emphasizes that people want what they can't have--he ignored you, pushed you away...and you want it. it's not too late to start NC. do this for you. you need a few days to calm down---after the first few days, things start to become a little more clear and, even if you're sad, you aren't in desperation mode. start now, okay? you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 This is painful to read, because I got all that same bull**** from my ex-girlfriend. All of it. I hate her Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I agree that it's not too late to go into nc mode. We have all had our little moments of weakness where we crave that contact- even if it's negative contact. When my one ex broke up with me after a year he did it over the phone and didn't speak to me or talk to me again for a full year. I went a little nutty at first wanting closure and sent him a couple e-mails and texts. A year later he e-mailed and we had dinner. It was a good thing because at that time I felt nothing for him anymore. Forgive yourself for that moment of weakness and start nc now. It's amazing how much quicker one can heal when you don't have contact with the person. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey1 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 Thank you all ......it just makes me mad when i did NC for a little while and then I mess up. I am going away to Dominican Republic for a week, what would have been the week we were married and on our honeymoon, I am going with my best girlfriends, thank god for them. So I know I wont be able to contact him then. It kills thinking about him all hot for someone else and persuing a girl who has nothing with him...if this is the case. I believe he wouldnt have let me go so easily if there wasnt a girl waiting. I dont know how to make him believe I am moving on after my pathetic display of pain today. I cant fool him....maybe after a month or so he will grow suspicious. No better time to start than now. thank you for all the support. Isnt it amazing that we cant die from a broken heart??? Link to post Share on other sites
suzie q Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 it IS amazing we can't die from a broken heart... you know what they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." you can do it! have a blast on vacation! i'm going on vacation next week to texas and i know my ex won't be all over my thoughts because i'll be too busy enjoying myself. there's no day like to day. it's never too late to become what you might have been:D Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey1 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Share Posted August 7, 2008 youre awesome. have you posted any threads? I dont know anything youre ging thru, did you recently get out of a long relationship?? Link to post Share on other sites
yongyong Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I totally agree with this strategy When she told me 'let's just be friends for now', I was asking her why and how much I loved her, it didn't work. so I just decided to say I agree with her blah blah and this woman asked me if I was still in love with her What a fxxxin bxxxh I can tell if from the point of view of someone who used nearly these exact lines in a very similar situation. Here is the translation: 1. I love you, but I don't want to be with you right now and I don't want to look like a bad guy, so I will say that it is for your benefit that I'm doing this. I'm going to make myself look bad by saying that I don't deserve you. That way you don't feel so bad about me leaving, but on the other hand I'm saying it so that you will say in your mind... "but you are the best!". I tell you that it is tearing me apart, because I want to manipulate you into thinking that I can't bear to be away from you. I am trying to look selfless and concerned for your well-being, because it will get you to sympathize with me, and make it more likely that I can get you back if this other thing doesn't work out. 2. I'm either seeing someone else, or getting ready to and if it doesn't work out, I want to know that you are still on the back burner. What to say to counter this and sidestep that blatant manipulation? Here's an example that will shut him down and keep you with the power in the relationship: Him: I love you and the thought of us not being together for our one life hurts me, but you deserve the best and I am not that for you. And I ahte that more than you know???? You: I love you too, and I think you are right. I do deserve better. I think we should just call it quits and stay out of contact with each other. Him: If I feel like we are better off together than apart, I will try to get you back?? You: I don't think that will be a good idea. I am planning on seeing what else is out there for me, and stepping backward like that won't help me. Good luck with your future. GOODBYE Period. End of story. Tell him you want NO contact. None. Nada. Nothing shuts down manipulation faster. Link to post Share on other sites
nopainnogain Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Not related to breaking up but still BS none the less.... "My phone died" "My cat chewed my charger" "I tried calling you but went straight to V/M" "you didnt recieve my text,weird:confused:" blah Link to post Share on other sites
celinedion1 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Did anyone you love and were seeing ever say to you " I love you and the thought of us not being together for our one life hurts me, but you deserve the best and I am not that for you. And I ahte that more than you know???? Does this mean he is already with someone else??? I also got a text " If I feel like we are better off together than apart, I will try to get you back?? What does this crap mean?? We were trying to make this work. He'd spend 4 days a week with me but wouldnt call the other three?? Maybe there was a side dish. He wouldnt commit!!! PS We were engaged, broke it off and tried reconsiling but he never fully came back I guess....ANY THOUGHTS??????????? Sounds like the situation that im in except without that speech. It sounds like he can't commit to you. My ex is the same way, he wants us to be together yet he has some girl in another state who hes never met. He told me that we're not together cause I currently dont have a job. However he enever has money cause he recently got fired and gave it all away to homeless people. Maybe he has someone else, or maybe he's just using those 3 days as just a kind of break. I wish i had the answers for you, but what can I say men are strange. Link to post Share on other sites
celinedion1 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 it IS amazing we can't die from a broken heart... you know what they say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." you can do it! have a blast on vacation! i'm going on vacation next week to texas and i know my ex won't be all over my thoughts because i'll be too busy enjoying myself. there's no day like to day. it's never too late to become what you might have been:D Hehe I guess it's the season for breakup vacations. Im going on a vacation in 2 days. I look forward to having fun, flirting with really hot guys. and enjoying myself without having thoughts of my ex and what's going on with us. Link to post Share on other sites
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