Am I being immature about this?

[CaliGuy]

So the 22 year old that I dated at work is now seeing someone else from work. That's fine I don't really care but I do care that she lied about it to me. Since I found out she lied, I haven't spoken a word to her. We pass each other often and sometimes I have to come into her work area for documents. Each time, I say nothing to her and mind my own business.

 

This morning I was making coffee in the break room area and she came in. She said "Oh hi…" like she used to when we were dating. I said nothing to her. I did not even acknowledge her presence.

 

I know some of you will say "Oh it shows you are bitter" but I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends. I simply excommunicate them from my lives. And when I say lie, I don't mean "Stretch the truth to make you feel better" kind of lie. This was a blatant, selfish thing she did and I don't want her in my life.

 

I also did not want to open up a line of communication and felt by responding I would be opening myself up to dialog. It was more or less "no contact" in an up front and personal manner because we have to see each other quite often though we do not work together.

 

So there are two rules of thought.

 

A) Say nothing and seem bitter, immature and childish

B) Say something as if it didn't bother me (it does) and open myself up to dialog.

 

Thoughts?

[Art_Critic]

but I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends.

 

Of course she is no longer your friend CG.. But she is a COWORKER and as such she needs to be treated as one as if you both had never dated.

 

Would you ignore a guy coworker ? or any other coworker ?

 

There will always be people that we aren't friends with for whatever reason.. even lying..but we have to treat them with the respect they are due..

Even though she lied to you she still deserves the respect of being politely talked to when she says Hi in the breakroom..

 

IMO shunning her at work when she does initiate a Hi shows her you are bitter and carry a grudge.. I'm not saying that is wrong in your personal life but this is work.. Learn to separate the two

[CaliGuy]

Of course she is no longer your friend CG.. But she is a COWORKER and as such she needs to be treated as one as if you both had never dated.

 

Would you ignore a guy coworker ? or any other coworker ?

 

There will always be people that we aren't friends with for whatever reason.. even lying..but we have to treat them with the respect they are due..

Even though she lied to you she still deserves the respect of being politely talked to when she says Hi in the breakroom..

 

IMO shunning her at work when she does initiate a Hi shows her you are bitter and carry a grudge.. I'm not saying that is wrong in your personal life but this is work.. Learn to separate the two

 

Ok, I see what you are saying. I don't work with her or have to interact with her. If I had something work-wise, I would speak to her professionally but not chit chat. In this case, it wasn't work related so I didn't feel the need to acknowledge her.

 

I have implemented strict NC with her and it's working fine. Like a fool, I WAS falling for her but it's a good thing it didn't get to the point where I fell in love. LOL. I'm a fool for love I guess.

 

Anyway, I get what you're saying. If I do have to interact with her, I will do it professionally.

[northstar1]

So the 22 year old that I dated at work is now seeing someone else from work. That's fine I don't really care but I do care that she lied about it to me. Since I found out she lied, I haven't spoken a word to her. We pass each other often and sometimes I have to come into her work area for documents. Each time, I say nothing to her and mind my own business.

 

This morning I was making coffee in the break room area and she came in. She said "Oh hi…" like she used to when we were dating. I said nothing to her. I did not even acknowledge her presence.

 

I know some of you will say "Oh it shows you are bitter" but I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends. I simply excommunicate them from my lives. And when I say lie, I don't mean "Stretch the truth to make you feel better" kind of lie. This was a blatant, selfish thing she did and I don't want her in my life.

 

I also did not want to open up a line of communication and felt by responding I would be opening myself up to dialog. It was more or less "no contact" in an up front and personal manner because we have to see each other quite often though we do not work together.

 

So there are two rules of thought.

 

A) Say nothing and seem bitter, immature and childish

B) Say something as if it didn't bother me (it does) and open myself up to dialog.

 

Thoughts?

 

I wont' even touch the pandora's box of her being 22 and working at your office lol.

 

How did things end with her at the time?

Could you sit down with her outside work and explain your thoughts and tell her you no longer want anything to do with her?

[CaliGuy]

I wont' even touch the pandora's box of her being 22 and working at your office lol.

 

How did things end with her at the time?

Could you sit down with her outside work and explain your thoughts and tell her you no longer want anything to do with her?

 

I told her that when I found out she lied to me. I told her I did not want anything to do with her. So her interaction today took me by surprise. She should know that I don't want to talk to her.

[northstar1]

I told her that when I found out she lied to me. I told her I did not want anything to do with her. So her interaction today took me by surprise. She should know that I don't want to talk to her.

 

Then I'd just ignore her. She knows your stance.

She's got the naivety and immaturity of youth - she probably doesn't even think it's a big deal. Girls of that age are flighty and don't know what they want.

[CaliGuy]

Then I'd just ignore her. She knows your stance.

She's got the naivety and immaturity of youth - she probably doesn't even think it's a big deal. Girls of that age are flighty and don't know what they want.

 

Very true. I have been ignoring her and I thought she had a lot of audacity to say something to me this morning. She's oblivious to the fact I do not have time in my life for liars.

 

In fact, I can't think of a time in my life where I knew a friend lied to me and they stayed a friend... lol

[northstar1]

Very true. I have been ignoring her and I thought she had a lot of audacity to say something to me this morning. She's oblivious to the fact I do not have time in my life for liars.

 

In fact, I can't think of a time in my life where I knew a friend lied to me and they stayed a friend... lol

 

I agree. I shouldn't generalize that all girls in their early-mid twenties are like that, but they aren't always looking for something stable or that and she may not see the error of her ways.

[Ronni_W]

I have this rule. When people lie to me, they are no longer my friends.

That's my philosophy, too. But simply bidding someone 'hello' or 'goodbye' doesn't make him/her a "friend" -- imagine how many cashiers, taxi drivers, telephone salespeople, etc., we would have to claim as "friends" .

 

The other consideration is that your HR can turn it into a case of YOU being uncivil, creating an uncomfortable/hostile work environment, etc. Lawsuits in this area are going nuts, so your employer will likely do what they feel is in their (and other workers') best interest to protect themselves, regardless of whether or not you have cause for your behaviour.

[WiseOne1]

Well Caliguy, you dodged a bullet I see, its times like this that were happy that we didnt fall in love with them.

 

Yea I almost fell in love with a girl like that but she started showing alerts, and I kicked her to the curb toooo fast.

 

Lol but you dont care about her, but you did care that she lied, hey If i were you I would act as if nothing ever happened! I would talk to her like regular, CG just be thankful that this happened before you dated for a year or something.....ooch. You'd be back thinking of ways to get your ex back then.

 

Shes not gonna be in your life, shes just gonna be a co worker, nothing else could punish her more than you acting as like she never meant anything to you, because right now ya know what shes thinking? Shes thinking that you care and that she hurt you. think about it!???

[CaliGuy]

That's my philosophy, too. But simply bidding someone 'hello' or 'goodbye' doesn't make him/her a "friend" -- imagine how many cashiers, taxi drivers, telephone salespeople, etc., we would have to claim as "friends" .

 

The other consideration is that your HR can turn it into a case of YOU being uncivil, creating an uncomfortable/hostile work environment, etc. Lawsuits in this area are going nuts, so your employer will likely do what they feel is in their (and other workers') best interest to protect themselves, regardless of whether or not you have cause for your behaviour.

 

I don't know that I am being uncivil. If I need to talk to her in a work related matter I will be civil to her. In this case I was not in a work related situation other than being in the same break room. I seriously doubt she would bring it up to HR. lol

[CaliGuy]

Well Caliguy, you dodged a bullet I see, its times like this that were happy that we didnt fall in love with them.

 

Yea I almost fell in love with a girl like that but she started showing alerts, and I kicked her to the curb toooo fast.

 

Lol but you dont care about her, but you did care that she lied, hey If i were you I would act as if nothing ever happened! I would talk to her like regular, CG just be thankful that this happened before you dated for a year or something.....ooch. You'd be back thinking of ways to get your ex back then.

 

Shes not gonna be in your life, shes just gonna be a co worker, nothing else could punish her more than you acting as like she never meant anything to you, because right now ya know what shes thinking? Shes thinking that you care and that she hurt you. think about it!???

 

When my friends lie to me, it does hurt. When people take me for granted, it does hurt. She once told me "I need you in my life" and I know she loves talking to me. But once she lied, the advantages she had of being my friend first were taken away from her.

 

Yes, she can tell it bothers me. But I also think by ignoring her I am sending a clear message that I do not want or need her in my life. Chatting with her like nothing ever happened would be like saying to her that I am her friend again.

 

Ignoring is much easier. I don't have to dodge conversations with her -- because she's gotten the message. I don't want to talk to her.

[WiseOne1]

When my friends lie to me, it does hurt. When people take me for granted, it does hurt. She once told me "I need you in my life" and I know she loves talking to me. But once she lied, the advantages she had of being my friend first were taken away from her.

 

Yes, she can tell it bothers me. But I also think by ignoring her I am sending a clear message that I do not want or need her in my life. Chatting with her like nothing ever happened would be like saying to her that I am her friend again.

 

Ignoring is much easier. I don't have to dodge conversations with her -- because she's gotten the message. I don't want to talk to her.

 

Well when you put It that way it makes perfect sense, it probably would be best to kick her out of your life, you really dont want to give her the thought that your her friend again, you dont wanna give her the thought that she can do whatever to you and it will be alright.

[CaliGuy]

Well when you put It that way it makes perfect sense, it probably would be best to kick her out of your life, you really dont want to give her the thought that your her friend again, you dont wanna give her the thought that she can do whatever to you and it will be alright.

 

Thanks. And that's what I am trying saying by ignoring her. It's simply the message of "You can't treat me that way and expect to be my bud..."

 

I know a lot of people think it's immature, but I am a firm believer in cutting the people out of your life who lie to you or take you for granted. In my eyes that is not immature. That's what confident people do. I don't NEED people in my life like that and I will take the necessary steps to exclude them from my life as much as possible.

[northstar1]

Thanks. And that's what I am trying saying by ignoring her. It's simply the message of "You can't treat me that way and expect to be my bud..."

 

I know a lot of people think it's immature, but I am a firm believer in cutting the people out of your life who lie to you or take you for granted. In my eyes that is not immature. That's what confident people do. I don't NEED people in my life like that and I will take the necessary steps to exclude them from my life as much as possible.

 

Fair enough, and I agree with your resolve and principles.

[Art_Critic]

Caliguy.. you are acting immaturely...

 

I understand that you were hurt by her lies but come on.. why punish her and look like you are not over her ?

 

If she says Hi.. Wave and say Hi back.. you freaking work at the same company..

 

Saying Hi back to her isn't lower of your principles.. it is just being nice and business like...

 

A car Salesman lies to you also.. but when he greets you do you just ignore him ?.. No..

 

I'm not normally a get over it type of poster but seriously.. you need to get over it..

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy.. you are acting immaturely...

 

I understand that you were hurt by her lies but come on.. why punish her and look like you are not over her ?

 

If she says Hi.. Wave and say Hi back.. you freaking work at the same company..

 

Saying Hi back to her isn't lower of your principles.. it is just being nice and business like...

 

A car Salesman lies to you also.. but when he greets you do you just ignore him ?.. No..

 

I'm not normally a get over it type of poster but seriously.. you need to get over it..

 

I don't have the kind of relationship with most car salesman that I had with her.

 

I guess I just have a problem being nice to people who treated me like sh*t.

[Art_Critic]

I don't have the kind of relationship with most car salesman that I had with her.

 

You no longer have anything but a work relationship with her..

 

You have to separate the two.. leave your personal issues with her at home where they belong.

[CaliGuy]

You no longer have anything but a work relationship with her..

 

You have to separate the two.. leave your personal issues with her at home where they belong.

 

Agreed. And that is why I said "If I have to talk to her for business reasons, I will be courteous and professional with her." Also remember, Art, she pursued me vehemently at work. I had initial doubts but she kept at it. Now I wish I had stuck to my own rule about dating at work.

 

When I'm getting coffee and minding my own business, I don't see how that's work related.

 

It probably just bothers her because I am laughing and joking with other co-workers. I'm not moping around at all.

[carhill]

Work room = professional

 

Break room = your time, your prerogative

 

In time, perhaps, prerogative and professional will meld. Now is not that time, apparently. I don't think you're being immature, rather setting a clear boundary. Some people aren't happy with boundaries, if you know what I mean

[TrustInYourself]

I think you know exactly how you are being. You big baby. Oh oho oh oho.

[CaliGuy]

Work room = professional

 

Break room = your time, your prerogative

 

In time, perhaps, prerogative and professional will meld. Now is not that time, apparently. I don't think you're being immature, rather setting a clear boundary. Some people aren't happy with boundaries, if you know what I mean

 

Exactly! I should have been more clear about using boundaries. I think Art believes that I am acting this way towards her in every situation but that is not the case. In this situation, it was the break room and it was not business related. It's no different than bumping into someone from work at lunch (in my opinion). The boundary is simply that "Unless it's work related, I don't want to talk to you."

 

I'm not sure about the "over time" thing. I have a hard time letting people back into my life who have lied to me or taken me for granted. It's not that I can't forgive them (I can), I just don't forget.

[Ronni_W]

Break room = your time, your prerogative

Uh, isn't that giving workers' permission to hump, bully, fight, etc., in the break room, without having to worry about consequences and reprisals?

It's still the work environment, is what I mean, and the employer still has rights and obligations.

 

Cali, I meant it could be seen as "uncivil" by workplace legal definitions -- not on a personal level because, of course, you get to choose to whom you say 'hi' or whatever other communication you wish to undertake.

[CaliGuy]

Uh, isn't that giving workers' permission to hump, bully, fight, etc., in the break room, without having to worry about consequences and reprisals?

It's still the work environment, is what I mean, and the employer still has rights and obligations.

 

Cali, I meant it could be seen as "uncivil" by workplace legal definitions -- not on a personal level because, of course, you get to choose to whom you say 'hi' or whatever other communication you wish to undertake.

 

I don't know how I am being uncivil. If it's a personal situation I choose not to talk to her.

 

When it's work related, I do.

[carhill]

Everyone's actions and choices have consequences. I'm pretty sure the OP is well-versed in that part. She may indeed see his demeanor as uncivil. That is her prerogative. He is not the controller of her, nor should he succumb to her attempts to control him