I can't handle this

[rawkwell]

My boyfriend told me last night that although he enjoys spending time with me that he doesn't see himself ever being able to fall in love with me.

 

I'm devastated. He and I shared a connection I've never felt before. I never thought I could feel that way about someone, and he doesn't love me.

 

I'm not able to sit up, I've cried all night long, and I feel horrid. I can't see myself getting out of bed for awhile, thankfully I'm not working at the moment. I don't know if I'll be able to stop crying. In one bout of sadness last night, I got a knife from the kitchen and brought it into my room. I wasn't going to do anything with it, but just the gesture of bringing the knife into my room made me feel slightly better.

 

This is worse pain than I'm prepared to deal with. It's a personal blow, and I'm already insecure, so this has toppled me. I'm 34 years old and I feel as though I'll never find someone. And I'm so sad about that.

 

Please, I just need kind words right now, I need to know how to get over this.

[reservoirdog1]

You WILL get over this. I'm speaking as somebody who is right now ending a relationship with his partner, who feels just as devastated as you do, and as somebody who got his heart brutally ripped out just about five years ago.

 

There is nothing he or anybody can say to you that will make it better, or make the pain go away. The ONLY thing that will make it better is time. You need to allow yourself to be devastated, to grieve, to cry your eyes out. That spell may last a few days, or a couple of weeks. But you will reach a point where you feel like you've "cried yourself out" and have no tears left. And that's the beginning of acceptance.

 

In some ways it's beneficial that you're not working, but in other ways it's not. Working would take your mind off your pain. But since you're not working, rent a bunch of movies and watch them. Don't make them all sappy love stories -- mix it up. Use the movies as your distractions from the continuing sadness. Once your start to reach acceptance, you will start to feel better and you'll feel like DOING things again. Seeing friends, exercising, etc.

 

Don't expect your recovery from this to be on a straight upward line, because it won't be. You've suffered the devastation. As you climb back up from that, you will have peaks and valleys along the way. You will have setbacks. But overall, your recovery will trend upwards. And you will be happy again, and find love again.

 

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

[critter909]

Hey there! We all know your pain. I am trying to cope with the break up of an almost 10 year relationship. I'm one month in and am starting to see a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I completely broke down last night and sobbed for several hours, so there will definetly be ups and downs. Like Reservoir said, the only thing that helps is time. Try not to isolate yourself, it's really not fun to go out for a long time but you have to force yourself, I did and I'm glad. I also try to exercise a lot, it seems to help. I also try to keep to a schedule (I work so I kind of have to) to not give myself too much time to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I just go and walk around outside, just to get out of the funk. I don't even remember the first couple of weeks after the break, that's how bad I was, so I feel for you, hang in there, like everyone says- it will get better.

[Geishawhelk]

How long has he been with you?

What a class A, grade-1 SH*T!

 

If it's any consolation, I found great love aged 46.

As the previous posters said, you rightly feel this way, and may do for a while.

But a good friend of mine told me once - "Don't let a guy live rent-free in your head".

Don't let him take you over.

If he can do this to a woman who must have told him loads of times she loves him - then frankly, you're better off without him. That said, at least he did 'the decent thing' and told you, rather than go off and do something behind your back.

Cry all you like, scream all you like, rant rave, yell and rage all you like.

But it will pass.

 

truly.

 

GW *hug*

[stolenheart123]

I was in your place not so long ago. I thought my relationship of 6 years was great for the most part, but apparently one day she woke up and felt different. It was the hardest thing I ever faced because I relied on her as my best friend, my girl and everything. But when she left the first time, i begged and pleaded, and we got back together but it was short lived. You have to live for you, and make yourself happy. We broke up a month later, and the day we broke up all the pain subsided because I knew in my heart she was not right for me. You cannot make someone love you, and there is someone out there for you. You have to be strong and rely on you. Cry and grieve but do not let it consume you. Stay active and it will all get better in time.

[rawkwell]

Well it's been about 15 hours or so and I still haven't stopped crying. And I can't stop obsessing about him. I can't physically leave the house, because I feel too weak and shaky. I can't shake this depression. And he still wants to hang out as friends. He said "maybe months down the line, I will fall in love with you." I know I shouldn't hang out with him, but I love him so much and he makes me feel so happy. But it's wrong, right? I should stay far away but I can't! I'm not strong enough to say no.

[critter909]

You HAVE TO stay away. If you go crying and begging to him you will only push him away further. Call a friend, go for a run, anything! Contacting him will only make it worse, he will reject you. Hang in there

[Geishawhelk]

That's cruel. "Maybe months down the line...." What does he expect you to do, fall at his feet and declare "Oh yes! I'll wait for you, even if it takes forever!"

 

Well...Ok...maybe right now that looks like a great deal, and that's probably precisely what you feel like doing, but... WTF - ??!!

 

This is really a crappy, nasty, callous and insensitive thing to say to you.

This is a really great way of making damn sure you NEVER get over him.

Well, listen.

In the middle of all your despair, sadness and heartbreak, try to find a little dignity and self-respect.

In the middle of all your sobbing, crying and body-wracked-with-pain, try to salvage a little bit of what you know you are definitely worth, in spades, and tell him where to go shove his "Maybe months down the line..."

 

The big thing will not necessarily be to tell him this now, but to still mean it tomorrow.

And the next day, and the day after that.

Because the moment - the instant - you capitulate, you'll be carrying out the emotional equivalent of beating yourself utterly black and blue.

Carry on crying, and being heartbroken, if you want to. And of course, for a while, you must.

But don't, for goodness' sake whatever you do, go selling yourself down the Swannee for anything.

 

ANYTHING.

Not even him.

Correction:

Especially him.

 

You know why?

 

One word he said, gives his intentions away.

 

One word.

 

And that word, is 'Maybe'.

 

He isn't guaranteeing you anything.

Not a damned thing.

Two parts of three-fifths of diddly-squat.

 

You want to sell your soul for 'Maybe'....?

[reservoirdog1]

In some ways, breakups can be worse than the death of a loved one. In death, the loved one is gone -- i.e. they're not there, anywhere. With a breakup, they're still around -- just not with you.

 

I say this to illustrate a point. Right now, you're in hell. You're dealing with one of the most painful situations people in the western world have to deal with. You're hip deep in the worst of it. You feel like life has no meaning, like there's nothing beautiful in the world, nothing to look forward to but pain and sadness. Everybody who's been through what you're going through feels the same way.

 

But you know what? It's your grief that causes you to perceive things that way. And the grief will subside with time.

 

And once it's subsided, and you're on the recovery path, you'll have a moment of clarity. You'll suddenly realize that, much as you felt like the grief would kill you, it DIDN'T kill you. You got through the worst. And if you can get through that -- and this is why I wrote my first paragraph just above -- you can handle pretty much anything life throws at you. The reality is that you're a much stronger person than you're able to acknowledge right now. Being devastated doesn't mean you lack inner strength -- it's your inner strength that keeps you alive, and that will get you through this.

 

A corny-but-true motto to live by is, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

[arian_ma]

Hey rawkwell, first of all let me say that I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It is always difficult facing something that you did not expect, something that breaks your heart.

I have so much in my head that I would like to tell you right now, but if I even began to start trying, I would end up writing a book thicker than the lord of the ring trilogies.

 

I will only say this, and it goes for anyone who wants to believe it: Face your emotions, face your fears. That is all this is, a fear, a fear of loneliness, a fear of new things, the feeling of getting rejected.

I know it is very vague and it seems like BS, but this is what I have come to realize after going through 6 months of solid pain.

 

I hope you are feeling better right now, and even though you're going to have tough times in the future, I want you to know that even though I don't know you, I am here to help you, because no one ever deserves to feel this way.

 

Arian

[MalachiX]

How long have you been with this guy???

[lorilynne]

Hey girl! We've all had those crying episodes. I would feel better if the knife was back in the kitchen so please trade it out for a spoon & a tub of ice cream! That will take care of the shaky feeling. It's hard to leave the house right away. What I've done is go out at night. Like Starbuck's with a book or my laptop & when you get a little energy back find a late night gym or safe lighted track to go run or walk at. Take your iPOD loaded with survival songs for women...you know Alanis Morrsette(sp?) and stuff. Of course, keep posting here, too!

I hope to hear from you again soon...update us with a post, ok?

Also...he's ***hole! Maybe he'll fall in love with you later? Are you kidding? Move on...and maybe he fall out of love with himself!!!

[rawkwell]

No more manic episodes. I have left the knife back in the kitchen. I'm still having crying episodes, but they're not as frequent. They're triggered by silly things that remind me of the good times we had.

 

I know that he is not worthy. And I know I need to stay away. I plan to.

 

Thank you so much for your words, all of you. You really helped out in this super dark time. It's still pretty dark, but it's getting lighter. So thank you.

[lorilynne]

Glad to hear that! We all have the lights go out occassionally! I know mine did again last night. I had a little crying episode to. I spoke to my ex and cried while on the phone with him. My sister-in-law is battling cancer so that's what started the crying but I know I was also crying about the break-up. It kind of felt good to get it out & cry without him knowing it had anything to do with him. He was actually compassionate since he figured it was just about my sis-in-law.

Hope I can get through this soon...hope you do too. Just post whenever you feel sad and people here will help.

[Geishawhelk]

Big respect to all those fighting crud, at the mo'....

 

there's a phrase I like quite a bit that says:

 

"If there's a frown on a womans face, 9 times out of 10, it's a man who's put it there...."

 

(TBH, it cuts both ways on this forum, but women tend to cry mostly, whereas men tend to get mad..... )