Lost and still out in left field.

[Wonderlandless]

I am sorry, this is kinda long (I put as much back story and detail as possible) but I really need unbiased opinions.

 

I had been dating Will almost four months, which is actually a pretty big deal for me. I usually only stick with a guy for maybe a month at the most before getting bored of him. No one ever gets to me, as I usually shrug off the advances and pursuit of others.

 

Not Will.

 

I remember when I first met him. I was working at a deli when in came a group of people roughly my age. I talked to them for a little bit, learning about them. They were fresh and lively, telling me about their band and their return from their European tour.

 

I remember I couldn't stop eying the red head, Billy. He was honestly just so beautiful, I had never been so stricken before. I ended up spilling his beer in his lap when I gave them their food and he luckily laughed it off. Not too long after he asked me for my number, which I happily obliged. I went home to listen to their band and honestly, I was cynical. Everyone is in a band these days, and a large majority of them suck. I clicked on their Myspace and was just...blown away.

 

He however, didn't call. I wrote him off as being a dick and left it at that. Exactly one week later, he came back to get my number. I didn't believe him that he hadn't saved it in his phone, but sure enough, it wasn't there. I had been stupid and hadn't hit the 'save' button. I told him he better call else I would never forgive him, and he asked me out after I got off of work.

 

I was fascinated with Will (he was amused that I was the only person ever to call him Will instead of Billy) with all of his stories and experiences. His band is gaining international attention and I just...couldn't stop hearing about it. It thrilled me to think someone was living such an amazing dream. We had quite a few things in common, and plenty of opposites. We could talk for hours about random things.

 

I hadn't had sex in over a year when I had met him, which freaked me out. Was I still good at it? I had always been complimented before, but I found myself pushing him off and pushing him off until, finally, I gave in. I'm quite glad that I did. The sex was really good, and stayed that way for a bit.

 

However, between him working full time and his band practice three times a week for about four hours a day, it was hard to really see him. I was always very understanding and didn't push him to see me. We just...saw each other whenever it was possible. If anything, he was always asking me when he could see me again. If he had to cancel, I was fine with it.

 

Haha, oh god, I remember this one time while we were walking around together in Wal-Greens, just talking, not even holding hands or anything, this older lady came up and complimented us on what a lovely young couple we were. I giggled and blushed, which only seemed to amuse Will.

 

Perhaps I was too flexible with him. We mostly stayed the night at his house, as I don't have a bed, would eat, hang out, watch movies, do it and sleep. He'd take me home when he had to work (a few times he left me at his place and I would clean up for him) and then see me whenever.

 

We always had these jokes that we can't become 'those people' when we'd catch ourselves running to Kroger, Wal-Mart or anywhere else. It made us laugh endlessly. Everything about Will put me at ease. I'm a naturally intense person and yet...and yet when I was around him, he made me feel so silly. I never bothered to get too serious with him when I had a problem because he made it all seem like it was just silly. He was there for me when my work tried to say I was stealing from them (and wouldn't show me the proof) and was there when I was told I had to leave my apartment.

 

In return I always made him food, bought him groceries, tried my best to pay my way in meals and just...was there for him. I knew his album is going to be released later in the summer and then he's back on tour, but I was okay with it; I knew times would get very hard and he would get stressed, so I wouldn't push him or try to stress him out. On the weekends I went back to hanging out with my friends and he do his stuff with his friends since he was always so busy during the week.

 

I made fun of him, asking him about the crazy fan-girls he'd have over the weekend and the rockstar diet (Cocaine and Whiskey). It was our little joke. He knows I was fine with him going out to strip clubs with his buddies if he wanted to, looking at porn, having female friends. I trusted him completely, as Will never struck me as the kind of guy who is a player, due to his shy nature. His band mates aren't players either, nor were his friends (well, besides one or two).

 

I helped him move from his old Studio to the new one. The room smelled awful, so I bought a nice room freshener and some soap for the bathroom. Of course, I made sure to supply him with food. He lived in the studio with two other guys...there was never any food.

 

It was here, however, the sex started to go downhill. Will hates condoms, but always wore them for me. I admit, I dislike condoms as well, but better safe than sorry. The sex wasn't bad, he just couldn't stay hard because he said he couldn't feel anything when he wore the condoms. We agreed me getting on birth control was the best idea. He refused to take no for an answer when I told him I was paying all of the $150 bill to get it. He said it was good for us and he wanted to do it.

 

I was supposed to go to Milwaukee with him and the band to see their first gig on the tour. He took me to his cousin's wedding and was loving all over me. I admit, I get intimidated in crowds like that, and I also didn't want to hang all over him and give him the idea that I had plans to get married. I was happy where we were; in this perfect little cocoon of just us. No labels, no expectations. We just were.

 

Everything was so lovely. We never argued, never nagged each other, and he removed my shy, secretly-self-conscious, pessimistic side to the point he didn't even believe me when I told him that I was like that.

 

He introduced me to everyone, held my hand a lot, and was cuddling on me. I guess I seemed too aloof because he made the comment to me that I hadn't been close to him all day. After that I made sure to stay by his side.

 

I didn't dance with him at the wedding. I was feeling too awkward when he asked, and he said he wasn't much of a dancer either. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and dance with him. After the wedding I got ready to go out, as it was Pride and I wanted to be with my friends. Honestly, the night kinda blew. I wish I had went home with him instead.

 

I talked to him Sunday, we chatted for a bit and then Monday when he was supposed to come over, he sounded really odd and asked if he could come over Tuesday.

 

Tuesday came. He told me that it wasn't me (and he apologized for using such a cheesy line) but that between working so much, the new album, the touring, the band and what was going on in his head (which he said he couldn't understand) that he didn't feel 100% there in our relationship.

 

I explained to him we weren't ever in a relationship. We just...were. No labels. He said that being on tour soon and finishing the album was going to suck up all his time. He swore it wasn't someone else and a part of me wants to believe him, as he really has been so busy and another part says it is someone else.

 

Honestly, he couldn't have picked a better time. I was getting kicked out of my apartment at the end of the week because the landlord wants to turn the building into condos and I had just started my period.

 

At least I didn't cry in front of him. I was shaking and pacing back and forth. I asked him if he thought we'd ever date again to which he said he doesn't know right now, that he can't even think straight.

 

He also went on to say he wouldn't try to cheat while on tour...but rockstars are prone to the one night stand, even if its not in their normal nature. And that it would be hard for him to talk to me, maybe once every couple of weeks. I told him I was fine with it, as I wasn't a phone person very much and if he did have a one-nighter while on tour, well, thats his thing.

 

When I walked him downstairs he said he was going to help me move, and I said "Just focus on your band, or find some fan girl. I don't care, but you're not helping me move."

 

Then the bastard hugged me. I stood there awkwardly while he hugged me and said a soft 'bye...'. I didn't even turn around when I waved him off. I then cried so hard when he walked out of the gate. I hope he didn't hear me...but I am afraid he did.

 

It hurt. I guess it would have hurt less had I seen the signs coming. He said he had been gradually feeling it, that he needed to be single to focus right now. But the signs were getting better and better.

 

I talked to several people who are/were in his position, and they said it really does sound like he is overwhelmed with the sudden tour dates and all the work. One of my friends, a grammy winning DJ who is always on world tours mentioned 'If he didn't care about you, he would have just strung you along while on tour'. He added that cutting an album brings out the worst in everyone and that there is a reason bands only release an album once every couple of years: it sucks.

 

I apologized via text for being so harsh on him. He said he understood my reaction and we would talk more when he got back from their first gig, as he also has to give me my stuff back.

 

I contacted him twice since then, to let him know I am fully out of my apartment and where to drop off my stuff. His responses are always long. I had to call him yesterday and he asked how I was...and didn't seem to want to get off the phone. When I said I had to talk to him there was an eager note in his voice and said "Yes, yeah go ahead, I am all ears." After I said I was hanging up, he lingered on the phone for a few moments longer.

 

I just want Will back. Its so hard for me to have an interest in someone as much as I did with him. He actually made me happy to sit in with him and his friends on a Saturday night rather than going out.

 

The wait to see him and get my stuff is killing me. I want to talk to him about us, but I know he probably won't say what I want him to say and I hope I don't cry when he talks to me.

 

...I just want Will from before the wedding back.

[KamKakes]

I say the best thing to do is to keep yourself busy right now. I know exactly how you feel... while my situation is a bit different, I got along the same lines of "it's me, not you," and then the sudden eagerness to want to talk to you. Focus on getting yourself together because that hurt you can turn into something productive and positive.

 

Push yourself in your job or working on finding an even better place, obviously I know you don't want to start dating but go out with friends. And when he crossed your mind, let him cross your mind, go ahead and think about him but don't dwell on it. Let the scenarios run through your head because repressing anything can bring on nightmares and can manifest as a physical illness. Smile at the things he did that made you smile and cry at what's going on now.

 

Good luck.

[Wonderlandless]

I've been trying to keep my mind off of him but its been so hard, and I can't do anything because he has some of my stuff (my ID and debt card included) that was left over at his place by accident.

 

He told me he has it, but still hasn't given it back.

 

I just...am so lost. Whenever I break up/get broken up with, I never cared. I shrugged it off because I didn't believe in forcing a relationship to work.

 

But I just...can't shake this one. The more I think about it, the more I go back to the wedding, and thats where I messed up. Someone said to me it sounds like he got the vibe that I wasn't into him at the wedding (when he was proud and showing me off) and broke it off because of it.

[KamKakes]

If he has such important items that belong to you, you need to push at getting that so you can start to pick yourself up. Don't keep letting him tell you he's going to give it to you, if he's too busy to keep on a relationship with you that is very important then he is too busy to worry about giving you back your stuff so make sure you do that and soon!I understand about all of that which is why I'm not going to tell you not to think about him because it's near impossible right? Why not try a new activity in the mean time, something that does not require your ID or debit card, start a new hobby just to get yourself onto the first step.And I doubt it had anything to do with you not wanting to dance during the wedding, you said he didn't want to dance really either so don't beat yourself over that. The past is set in stone and while you can't help but think of the mistakes you may have made, it's over and unchangeable.

[Wonderlandless]

I suppose. I just know how insanely busy he always is. I want to get my stuff back before my birthday next week (when I told him it is next week, he said he knew then sounded really shocked that I couldn't believe that he knew).

[Wonderlandless]

Sorry for the double post.

 

He called me today and said tomorrow he wanted to give me my stuff back. We chatted on the phone for a little bit (despite him being at work) and when I said where should I meet him he said he didn't know.

 

He sort of alluded to the fact we might hang out tomorrow. I'm so nervous!

[MaxManwell]

I think you need to cut down on the dough nuts and lard shakes.

[Wonderlandless]

I think you need to cut down on the dough nuts and lard shakes.

 

Hahaha, you're so cute, retaliating because I called you out in your thread.

[lemony fresh]

The mistake that you made in this entire relationship is that you catered to him (buying him food, cleaning up for him, etc. etc. etc.) and he lost interest and respect for you.

If a boyfriend offers to help you move, then you take the offer because he wants to help you out.

 

It's OK for your boyfriend to have one-night stands? Ummm, wrong answer. He knows he can stomp all over you now and you'll still be there.

 

There is no challenge for him, he has a little servant, not a girlfriend who he respects.

 

Your world revolved around pleasing him, and this is what you get. If you get the book Why Men Love Bitches it will help you get your life back.

 

Anyway this guy is a cheating loser. Do you want an STD? Kinda scary.

[Wonderlandless]

I never said it was okay for him to cheat. But, when he is out on tour we wouldn't be involved and he can do whatever he pleases, as can I.

[lemony fresh]

That doesn't sound like a very fun, healthy "relationship." You are making it too easy for him to walk all over you and treat you like s**t. If he is wanting to just break up with you and screw other women when he's on tour, he's just not that into you. He isn't invested emotionally at ALL with you.

[Wonderlandless]

He's never treated me like ****. He's always been very caring and considerate of me and my feelings/opinions when we were together.

 

If he's on tour for months at a time, the temptation is always going to be there. I don't expect him to remain faithful to me when he's a 22-year-old guy whose band is getting famous when he is thousands of miles away.

 

Thats asking for a lot for someone. I'd go on dates while he was away, I might have sex while he's away.

 

How is it any different from breaking up for awhile?

 

Also

 

I saw him today when he gave me back my things. He met me at the park and we talked for a bit, as he filled me in on everything going on in his life and the studio. He said he had been working a lot, and there has a been a lot going on this past week at the studio, mostly his roomies partying.

 

Then he asked if I wanted to walk around with him. So we walked around a bit, bumping into eachother and laughing, flirting. He'd look over at me every now and then and he kept staring into my eyes with this weird little look on his face (and, of course, glanced at my chest). He offered me his water to drink which, I guess was nice. Then he said he'd give me a ride home (to which I refused, but he insisted, saying he would be happy to).

 

We walked to his car and I showed him I had bought him stuff he needed, to which he laughed and seemed both surprised and amused. We drove home and he'd look over at me every now and then.

 

Then we he pulled into my drive way I told him that I understood he's busy and I don't begrudge him for being so...and whenever he had some free time and was bored to give me a call. He said he would. Then we sat there awkwardly and I asked for a hug. I told him I missed him terribly to which he said "I miss you too."

 

We broke the hug and leaned in close, he acted like he wanted to kiss me, but I backed away and kissed his nose (I always did that to him). Then he said 'take care, and I will call you about next week' (I am going to do my best to get advance tickets to The Dark Knight). I laughed and said 'don't be a stranger' and then hugged him tightly again.

 

Then, feeling like I was being silly and girly, I got out of the car.

 

He drove away after that, still watching me until he got into the road.

[lemony fresh]

You catered to him again and kissed his ass by buying him stuff again. You have to learn that doing stuff like that doesn't help him fall in love.

[Wonderlandless]

So, being a wretched bitch who only thinks of herself is the best way to keep a man, huh?

 

Pardon me, but I like doing things for my guy. It makes me happy to see him happy.

[lemony fresh]

No, not being a wretched bitch, but why are you catering to a man who is not in love with you and is going off to screw other women? You are showing him you have no backbone.

If he really cared about you that much, he wouldn't entertain the thought of one-night stands and sleeping with other women. You can make a relationship work and be faithful if you really love the other person.

You're not seeing the forest for the trees here.

[Wonderlandless]

I've only been with him four months. He can't love me yet, as I don't love him in a romantic sense either. I care very much for him, which is why I still want to do things for him, and it makes him smile.

 

Again, he will be on the road for months at a time. He's young and good looking and women will throw themselves at him for the simple fact he IS in a band. Accidents and drunken regrets will happen.

 

Its unrealistic to expect him to stay 100% faithful to a girl he doesn't yet love when he is on the road touring.

 

As I said, I just want to be with him while he's here. When he's on tour, its his own business as what I do here is mine when he's gone.

[northstar1]

I've only been with him four months. He can't love me yet, as I don't love him in a romantic sense either. I care very much for him, which is why I still want to do things for him, and it makes him smile.

 

Again, he will be on the road for months at a time. He's young and good looking and women will throw themselves at him for the simple fact he IS in a band. Accidents and drunken regrets will happen.

 

Its unrealistic to expect him to stay 100% faithful to a girl he doesn't yet love when he is on the road touring.

 

As I said, I just want to be with him while he's here. When he's on tour, its his own business as what I do here is mine when he's gone.

 

I see where you are coming from. However, 4 months is long enough to develop feelings.

Most cannot emotionally separate themselves easily if someone they care about go off and see other people. Just be sure you can do it - you don't want to be hurting in a few weeks/months when he's off doing whatever.

[Wonderlandless]

I'm hurting now, and I think he knows it.

 

I want to ask him if we can try it again, and let him know I won't hold whatever happens to him while he is on tour against him. I just think its too early to ask if we should try it again.

[northstar1]

I'm hurting now, and I think he knows it.

 

I want to ask him if we can try it again, and let him know I won't hold whatever happens to him while he is on tour against him. I just think its too early to ask if we should try it again.

 

I think you need to really think about this one. Giving him a free pass while on tour - that's gonna be a tough pill to swallow, even if you say you won't hold it against him.

 

How long is he gone for?

[Wonderlandless]

A few months unless they do another European tour as well...then it can be upwards of six months.

 

He's not the cheating type, really. I don't see him going out and screwing everything that moves because he's not like that, nor are any members of the band. But there are girls out there who will want him simply because he is in a band and there is always that temptation, especially since he is young.

[northstar1]

A few months unless they do another European tour as well...then it can be upwards of six months.

 

He's not the cheating type, really. I don't see him going out and screwing everything that moves because he's not like that, nor are any members of the band. But there are girls out there who will want him simply because he is in a band and there is always that temptation, especially since he is young.

 

Well, you may not like my advice - but I'll put it out there anyways.

 

I would say you need to let this guy go do his thing, and you need to focus on your life w/o him. I'm not saying you need to cut him off completely forever, but I think you need to look out for yourself and not try and get him back right now.

 

Then, when he's back in a few months, maybe touch base at that point and see where you both are at.

[Wonderlandless]

We weren't really in a relationship before he broke it off, however. Just dating. I want to go back to that.

 

And, its obvious he still has feelings for me, its hard to hang out with him.

[northstar1]

We weren't really in a relationship before he broke it off, however. Just dating. I want to go back to that.

 

And, its obvious he still has feelings for me, its hard to hang out with him.

 

Well - if you think you can handle what he may be up to on the road, then see what happens.

I just know myself, I couldn't do it.

[Wonderlandless]

I know I can do it. I just wish I could make him understand that.

 

My birthday is next week (he remembered because he told me he remembered the date). Should I ask him out, just he and I?

[lemony fresh]

So he's still in town? OK I thought that he had left for the tour already.

Why did you tell him not to help you move? That is what a guy you're dating does and wants to do (help his girlfriend with No,things like that). I don't get that at all, you would get a chance to see him and he probably wanted to help you with your move. Let him do "boyfriend duty," he should insist on helping you with things like that.

 

If he doesn't call to ask you to do something special with you for your birthday, then I would write him off for good. That is pretty much inexcusable.